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12+ Violence

The ghost from rumble cafe part 1

by Sally37Z


Sitting at the cafe trying to do my home work but it’s getting harder and harder deeper I get into the seas. I slouched back on my chair starring at my computer, starring at what is called information about the seven seas. As I picked up my meat pie to take a bite my computer takes me to a new page on word and starts to type it said “turn around I want to see your face.” I had no Idea who this is, I had no idea what was going on. I turned around to see what would happen then my computer beeped I turned to look what it was. It was another speech from mystery person (speech I think that’s the right word) it said that I was pretty, but the one problem was that there was know one there I’m in my mums cafe and it is closed. know one at the tables, know one at the windows. I am basically shaking so much that you could call it a spaz attack. “Are you alright” typed the mystery person I nodded my head assuming that he, she, it yes it could see me. Then it said “good” well typed “good”. I went back on google to continue to research about The seven seas, I was reading though a really boring paragraph then the word page came back and said “don’t you want to talk.” I shook my head in fear. I went back onto google then I felt something touch my back I was to scared to see what it was so I called “MUM WAS THAT YOU PLEASE TELL ME THAT WAS YOU” in return my mum yelled “What do you mean I’m in the kitchen.”

“Ohh nothing just my imagination.” I returned trying not to scream “don’t worry darling it was only me.” It typed. I had even more fear on my face then the first time I went in a horror roller coster, “what is your name and why me?” I called out to it

“My name is Alfred and I can’t explain why to you yet”

“Where are you?” I said nervously with a little smile

“Right behind you”

I turned my head there was on one there “no your not, your not there, what do you mean behind me, there’s no one there” I said in complete fear

“ARE YOU SEEING THINGS AGAIN RACHEL” yelled my mother

“NO”

“Who’s that I wasn’t told there was another person here”

“Told what do you mean told”

“Ummm well that I can’t quite tell you yet but I’m planing to” Alfred said, typed, no said, no typed yes typed.

“Tell me now” I said with a tear dropping down my face

“I can’t”

I heard a slight whisper in my ear “please don’t be scared, please don’t scream but you can’t tell anyone that you can contact me I’m going to leave and will talk tomorrow about the situation” what “ps this is Alfred, but you can call me Alfie. Bye” said Alfie

“Bye” I said sadly, I mean really scared


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18 Reviews


Points: 1609
Reviews: 18

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Sun Nov 11, 2018 9:19 pm
RowenaLynn wrote a review...



Hey! The idea of this is great! One thing that confused me was the change in tense. Throughout the piece, you sometimes switch between past and present tense. ' Proof reading is important so you can fix these and other little mistakes in grammar, punctuation and such. Choose a tense and stick to it.

In addition, there are some wording and grammar issues. There is this run on sentence too:
"I went back on google to continue to research about the seven seas, I was reading through a really boring paragraph then the word page came back and said "don't you want to talk.""
The story isn't described the best and sometimes confused me.

'"Bye" I said sadly, I mean really scared'

As a reader, I don't really understand what some of your sentences mean. Does she not actually feel scared or does she change her mind?

Also, I think that you don't need the "ps this is Alfred..." part, because readers, and the narrator, already understand that his name I Alfred. That is up to you though, if the 'Alfie' nickname is important.

You should proof read the story to make sure that it all makes sense. The plot points are good, but the presentation isn't always.

Other than some of those writing problems, the story seems interesting. The story is good, it just needs some polishing.

Stay motivated, keep writing!




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12 Reviews


Points: 1136
Reviews: 12

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Thu Nov 08, 2018 7:57 pm
bigsisfarmer wrote a review...



Hey, I love the creativity of this piece!

Quick suggestion, whenever another person begins talking, start a new paragraph. It helps the reader to not be as overwhelmed as to who is talking.

Also, I am a big fan of long paragraphs, but beware of making them too long. It can be an eyesore for the reader and make it hard to read.

Add a little more description! It can really bring to life you piece. For example:

"NO" I screamed, leaning back in my chair in order to let my voice reach towards my mother. I then fixed my eyes back onto my computer screen, captivated.

Don't forget punctuation as well! Proofreading, although the worst part of writing can be your best friend!





A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief