z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 22.2: Gael

by Lightsong


‘I’ll have to go, and so do you,’ Gael said after a few minutes of them lying on the bed side by side, shoulders touching. ‘The priests would search for you by now.’ He shrugged. ‘I guess the same goes to Aleveri.’

Haka turned to the side and buried his face in Gael’s shoulder. He hummed. ‘I don’t feel like going with the church. I like being here with you.’

Gael sighed. ‘You don’t have a choice. Your parents have given them their permission. Like I said, don’t worry. You won’t be with them for long.’

They left Gael’s room and walked to Felaris’s. On the way there, Haka spoke. ‘Um, so, how do we do this? Are we – are we a couple now? Do we kiss?’

Gael chuckled. ‘You like me. I like you. Maybe that makes us a couple?’ He raised his eyebrow. ‘Do you want to kiss me?’

Haka stopped. Gael turned to him. He was staring at him intensely. ‘Actually, I do.’ There was a hint of growl in his voice. ‘I do so much.’

Gael shook his head, chuckling. ‘You’re horny.’ He did enjoy the thrill of hearing Haka, though.

They continued their walk. ‘I’ll do so much more if you let me,’ Haka said. Of course, he had to whisper it to Gael’s ear just to make Gael have goosebumps.

By Xesar’s fire did Gael have goosebumps. Haka was being a tease, unafraid to show what he felt – and wanted – in public. Gael wasn’t prepared for this. If he wasn’t in his right mind, he’d let Haka pin him to the wall and kiss him hard. He’d let him tear his clothes and take his virginity right there, right now. Damn it. He was horny too. He shook his head. Focus, Gael.

Once they arrived at Felaris’s door, Aleveri came out. She looked at Gael before turning to Haka. ‘It’s time. We have to go.’

Haka’s jaw tightened. ‘What if I don’t want to go?’

Aleveri sighed. ‘I don’t know. Something bad? Maybe you’d be expelled? Our parents have agreed to this. We have to go, Haka.’

Haka muttered how his parents didn’t want him to go this academy in the first place.

Gael was too surprised with Aleveri’s sudden exit to hear it. ‘Is the meeting over?’ he asked.

She shook her head. ‘It’s not, but I’ve said my part. Ilami can fill you in.’ She touched Gael’s shoulder and took a deep breath. ‘I wish none of this ever happens. I really wish the church isn’t that bad. But that would be too naive of me. Be careful, Gael.’

Haka looked around to make sure there was no one watching them and quickly kissed Gael. Deep. He wrapped his arm around Gael and hugged him tight, sending sparks to his stomach. He couldn’t do anything but to kiss back. After a few seconds of eternity, Haka released him. Both of them breathed heavily before they realized Aleveri was watching.

She was wide-eyed and silent. ‘Wow,’ she said, finally, blushing. ‘I – that was too intimate.’

‘Yeah, well, we’re a thing now,’ Haka said, grinning. ‘Deal with it. Let’s go.’

When Gael entered the room, everyone was watching him. The atmosphere turned rigid all of a sudden. It was like Serra encased it with ice.

‘We need to talk about you and Haka,’ Veris said.

Felaris raised her eyebrows and folded her arms. ‘We do need to talk, but it’s just about Haka. Can you trust him?’

Gael frowned. ‘Why shouldn’t I? He’s my friend.’

‘You saw how he fought me. You saw how he fought Ilami. He wasn’t sane the moment he turned into that beast. The experimentation changed him for the worse.’

Gael clenched his jaw and looked at Ilami. She only looked back… reassuringly? He turned to Felaris. ‘I saw his fights, yes. I can see how he gets angry easily right now. But deep down he’s still the same Haka I know. If he doesn’t look as stable as he was before, it was because of what the experimentation did to him. Not literally, but emotionally. The things he went through…’ He gulped and took a small pause. ‘They planted an artifact inside him.’

Felaris tilted her head.

‘What?’ Seya said, frowning.

‘Are you sure about that, Gael?’ Ilami asked, finally.

Gael nodded, suddenly feeling tired. ‘It’s the only answer I could come up with. I don’t know how they put it in him, but it explains why he could drain someone’s energy. Farava’s Twin Bracelets, Life Taker and Life Giver, can respectively drain energy and provide it. They’re among artifacts that have another exact copy of them but with opposite ability.’

For once, Veris didn’t look interested with the knowledge. ‘Just be careful around him, Gael. For all we know, if someone pisses him off, he’ll give them no mercy, even if they’re you.’

‘We get it, Veris,’ Ilami said, staring at him. ‘It’s not as if you don’t have a volatile friend. I remember how one of you locked me as a target the moment I entered this academy.’

Seya laughed and pat Felaris’s shoulder. ‘That’s a good one, can’t lie,’ she said, wiping her tears. ‘We have to focus on the plan, though. You’re late to the party, and I’m too lazy to repeat things, so Ilami will fill you in.’

He wasn’t in the mood to think, anyway, not after these people who didn’t Haka like he did doubted him. It reminded him how the real friends he had in this room was Ilami – even Veris was biased when it came to Haka. For Serra’s sake, how was he going to break the news to him? That they couldn’t mess around any longer now that Haka and he were a couple?

If he has the same understanding of the relationship you have – which is ‘messing around’, as you said – then he would be fine. But from what I can see, he sees it as something more, Serra said. Nonetheless, I do believe it is best if you end your fling with him. It will bother you when it should not be.

Easy to say, Haka said, unaware of the conversation going on. You aren’t in my position. Are you Naturals even have romance? From what I know, you might as well don’t have the capacity to love.

Serra laughed. Far from it. Xesar prefers both women and men while Lio is boring – he likes women and women only. Wermin strictly desires on women while I – well, let us just say I love whomever I want regardless of their gender.

Oh my Natural, Haka said, in awe. And the Church dares to think love between men is sinful.

Or women, Serra said, her voice sorrowful. It disgusts Lio. His downfall, I might say.

What do you -

Felaris slapped him in the face.

He blinked, then turned red. ‘What is that for?’

‘Your mind’s somewhere else,she said coolly. ‘I’m just putting it back to where it belongs.’

‘Don’t do that to my friend again,’ Ilami said coldly and stepped closer to him. ‘You blanked out, Gael.’

‘Oh,’ he said, then smiled. ‘Sorry.’

‘Don’t apologize. The meeting’s over. Let’s go,’ Ilami said, glaring at Felaris. She grabbed Gael’s hand and dragged him out of the room. No one stopped her.

‘Who does she think she is?’ she said as they passed a group of students at the hallway. ‘It’s like she thinks she can do whatever to you.’

‘Maybe it’s because I don’t look like I’d fight back,’ Gael said dryly. They arrived at Ilami’s room. Thankfully, it was empty.

‘That’s one thing I’ve been wanting to ask you,’ she said as she settled on her bed and gestured him to sit next to her. ‘Have you been practicing your fighting skill?’

Gael shrugged as he was reminded about what he had lost by losing in the Test. The plan he had agreed with Serra was to use the artifact he had won against the Church. It would take a while to master it, but it was better than having nothing. Now that he lost, he didn’t get the artifact and his friends were taken away.

‘I’ve been studying for the Test,’ he said. ‘I didn’t make time to practice my fighting skill.’

‘As expected,’ Ilami said, nodding and frowning. ‘That is bad news. I also was too focused on winning the Test that I forgot to learn advanced spells. We don’t have much time for that now. The current plan is to have half of us infiltrate the laboratory and the other half to wait.’

Wait? Why do some of us have to wait?’ Gael said, frowning.

‘To keep watch,’ Ilami said. ‘Felaris, Seya and I will check the laboratory. We won’t be long – we just want to find evidence that the experimentation did happen. Veris and you will keep watch. That way, we can alert each other if we’re in trouble.’

The plan didn’t sound foolproof at all, but Gael couldn’t think of something better. Well, he could, but he didn’t think Serra would approve. ‘Is that it? I just have to… look out for you?’

‘Practice your blood magic,’ Ilami said. ‘We think it’s better if you learn more effective stealth spells. Felaris and Seya will find the right magical triggers for that. It shouldn’t be hard for Felaris – she comes from a Great House, after all.’

‘So do you,’ Gael said, raising his eyebrow. ‘Why don’t you check if your family has magical triggers?’

Ilami sighed. ‘Too risky. Mother is involved in this experimentation, I’m sure of it, and after what we did at the Restricted Area, I’m pretty sure she’s secured the magical triggers tightly.’ She laid on the bed. ‘I’m just – I’m too tired to think about her right now. Am literally tired. Let’s talk about this later.’

‘Um, okay,’ Gael said, rising.

‘Also, you’re going to tell me what happened with you and Haka. Do avoid lying. I know there’s something going on with both of you. I’m just not sure what.’

‘Will do, mistress.’ After he left, he wondered, Am I that obvious?

Yes, Serra said.


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Mon Nov 29, 2021 8:13 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm, so this is perhaps the first part I don't feel great about. A lot of moments here like the sudden escalation of the relationship with Haka and Gael and then that meeting with Felaris and just so much with time almost being turned back there with the understandings these characters had built with each other going missing for a bit there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

‘I’ll have to go, and so do you,’ Gael said after a few minutes of them lying on the bed side by side, shoulders touching. ‘The priests would search for you by now.’ He shrugged. ‘I guess the same goes to Aleveri.’

Haka turned to the side and buried his face in Gael’s shoulder. He hummed. ‘I don’t feel like going with the church. I like being here with you.’

Gael sighed. ‘You don’t have a choice. Your parents have given them their permission. Like I said, don’t worry. You won’t be with them for long.’

They left Gael’s room and walked to Felaris’s. On the way there, Haka spoke. ‘Um, so, how do we do this? Are we – are we a couple now? Do we kiss?’


Well that was a properly awkward moment there..love that, and its a sweet moment as well with the whole church thing coming into the picture and Gael promising to make a stand against all that. Yet...I kind of can't help but feel that Veris is just getting cast aside much too fast here and I'm not liking that side of Gael at all, hopefully he fixes that by the end o the chapter and puts things right. Also that bit of sudden sexual tension there feels a bit out of place. LIke....I get that these two are young and there's some pent up feelings here, but the background for this whole things is far too serious without needing to leave, these experiments and just a lot more there.

Haka muttered how his parents didn’t want him to go this academy in the first place.

Gael was too surprised with Aleveri’s sudden exit to hear it. ‘Is the meeting over?’ he asked.

She shook her head. ‘It’s not, but I’ve said my part. Ilami can fill you in.’ She touched Gael’s shoulder and took a deep breath. ‘I wish none of this ever happens. I really wish the church isn’t that bad. But that would be too naive of me. Be careful, Gael.’

Haka looked around to make sure there was no one watching them and quickly kissed Gael. Deep. He wrapped his arm around Gael and hugged him tight, sending sparks to his stomach. He couldn’t do anything but to kiss back. After a few seconds of eternity, Haka released him. Both of them breathed heavily before they realized Aleveri was watching.

She was wide-eyed and silent. ‘Wow,’ she said, finally, blushing. ‘I – that was too intimate.’

‘Yeah, well, we’re a thing now,’ Haka said, grinning. ‘Deal with it. Let’s go.’


Wow, this is now going kind of fast here. I still don't what to feel about this development. I mean, I'm happy to see Gael's dreams realized, but this just doesn't feel like the right time and things are a little awkward to see here, especially in the midst of so many much more pressing matters.

‘You saw how he fought me. You saw how he fought Ilami. He wasn’t sane the moment he turned into that beast. The experimentation changed him for the worse.’

Gael clenched his jaw and looked at Ilami. She only looked back… reassuringly? He turned to Felaris. ‘I saw his fights, yes. I can see how he gets angry easily right now. But deep down he’s still the same Haka I know. If he doesn’t look as stable as he was before, it was because of what the experimentation did to him. Not literally, but emotionally. The things he went through…’ He gulped and took a small pause. ‘They planted an artifact inside him.’

Felaris tilted her head.

‘What?’ Seya said, frowning.

‘Are you sure about that, Gael?’ Ilami asked, finally.


And he's revealing this only now? I feel like that's a little uncalled for, that sort of information needs to be a bit more apparent earlier, we got enough moments for him to say this sort of thing. Also having him be the one who defends Haka and everything just weakens this whole case a bit as well. Right there are some odd dynamics in this group and its now quite working for me here.

‘We get it, Veris,’ Ilami said, staring at him. ‘It’s not as if you don’t have a volatile friend. I remember how one of you locked me as a target the moment I entered this academy.’

Seya laughed and pat Felaris’s shoulder. ‘That’s a good one, can’t lie,’ she said, wiping her tears. ‘We have to focus on the plan, though. You’re late to the party, and I’m too lazy to repeat things, so Ilami will fill you in.’

He wasn’t in the mood to think, anyway, not after these people who didn’t Haka like he did doubted him. It reminded him how the real friends he had in this room was Ilami – even Veris was biased when it came to Haka. For Serra’s sake, how was he going to break the news to him? That they couldn’t mess around any longer now that Haka and he were a couple?


Well at least he's finally thinking of Veris, so that's something, but uhh, this sudden hostility with everyone is starting to sort of blow some holes in this team dynamic here. I guess they were never really friends here and those original circles are the only ones that exist but this chapter is suddenly putting everything back to ground zero, with Ilami standing up for Haka in a very odd manner that I think is out of character considering how she reacted to the earlier fight and its just a slight mess at the moment I think. I feel like a few parts of character development have gotten deleted here.

Serra laughed. Far from it. Xesar prefers both women and men while Lio is boring – he likes women and women only. Wermin strictly desires on women while I – well, let us just say I love whomever I want regardless of their gender.

Oh my Natural, Haka said, in awe. And the Church dares to think love between men is sinful.

Or women, Serra said, her voice sorrowful. It disgusts Lio. His downfall, I might say.

What do you -

Felaris slapped him in the face.

He blinked, then turned red. ‘What is that for?’


Okayy...well this is taking even more turns here and right now I don't know how to feel about it. I don't like this sudden hostility that's only sprung up since the Haka chapter. Everything looked so much more stable in the chapter right after the Ilami fight, but now, its all changed so fast and I don't feel this change is justified.

‘Your mind’s somewhere else,’ she said coolly. ‘I’m just putting it back to where it belongs.’

‘Don’t do that to my friend again,’ Ilami said coldly and stepped closer to him. ‘You blanked out, Gael.’

‘Oh,’ he said, then smiled. ‘Sorry.’

‘Don’t apologize. The meeting’s over. Let’s go,’ Ilami said, glaring at Felaris. She grabbed Gael’s hand and dragged him out of the room. No one stopped her.

‘Who does she think she is?’ she said as they passed a group of students at the hallway. ‘It’s like she thinks she can do whatever to you.’

‘Maybe it’s because I don’t look like I’d fight back,’ Gael said dryly. They arrived at Ilami’s room. Thankfully, it was empty.

‘That’s one thing I’ve been wanting to ask you,’ she said as she settled on her bed and gestured him to sit next to her. ‘Have you been practicing your fighting skill?’


Okay yeah, I don't really know how Ilami's actions are going here. It feels so different to what we saw a chapter or so ago and I'm sure she wasn't subjected to any experiments. This is all sounding like forced conflict between the two groups of friends for the sake of it so that it can just add to these problems. Hopefully, things get a bit better soon.

‘To keep watch,’ Ilami said. ‘Felaris, Seya and I will check the laboratory. We won’t be long – we just want to find evidence that the experimentation did happen. Veris and you will keep watch. That way, we can alert each other if we’re in trouble.’

The plan didn’t sound foolproof at all, but Gael couldn’t think of something better. Well, he could, but he didn’t think Serra would approve. ‘Is that it? I just have to… look out for you?’

‘Practice your blood magic,’ Ilami said. ‘We think it’s better if you learn more effective stealth spells. Felaris and Seya will find the right magical triggers for that. It shouldn’t be hard for Felaris – she comes from a Great House, after all.’

‘So do you,’ Gael said, raising his eyebrow. ‘Why don’t you check if your family has magical triggers?’


Okayy..so there's another sudden plan, this one appears to be a lot more rushed and I don't quite know where its trying to go. I get the gist, but with this plan, it feels more like we're thrown into the deep end somewhat and well, it is an exciting change, but I hope there's going to be a bit more to this plan that what is immediately apparent here.

‘Will do, mistress.’ After he left, he wondered, Am I that obvious?

Yes, Serra said.


Odd ending there cause I feel like Ilami isn't exactly blind...so she could easily spot the kind of tension on display there in that chapter....and hmm, well this brings an end to what has been a slightly confusing ending here. Its maybe the first part I find myself not really liking.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I like the promise of some excitement to come, but this chapter which was supposed to be a sort of recovery from this aftermath hasn't done its job all too well I feel. Its feels more chaotic and I feel like we got no break at all between the test and that chaos and now this new plan. I hope the next bit is better here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Nov 24, 2018 11:33 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hey, Lightsong! Thanks for your patience. Rest assured that I'm still eagerly following this novel, it's just that between LMS and university it's not easy to find the time to review. But I'm here now!

Minor grammar corrections in blue, as usual.

Small Comments

‘The priests will be searching for you by now.’ He shrugged. ‘I guess the same goes for Aleveri.’


The would/will conundrum strikes again. Remember that 'would' often refers to an event in the past, usually a habitual one. Either that or it's talking about a hypothetical.

‘Actually, I do.’ There was a hint of growl in his voice. ‘I do so much.’

Gael shook his head, chuckling. ‘You’re horny.’ He did enjoy the thrill of hearing Haka [not sure what you're trying to say here?], though.

They continued their walk. ‘I’ll do so much more if you let me,’ Haka said. Of course, he had to whisper it to Gael’s ear just to make Gael have goosebumps.


This kinda did feel pretty sudden, I'm not going to lie. I don't think there's enough awkwardness or caution from either of them, especially given that (a) Haka has only just acknowledged his feelings for Gael and (b) there's so much hostility towards same-sex relationships from the wider world. I can understand them being giddy and elated about it all, but they should be nervous as well. A bit afraid. Navigating a relationship/feelings is daunting enough at the best of times, let alone when you're about to be ripped away from each other and your attraction to one another is basically criminalised.

Aleveri sighed. ‘I don’t know. Something bad? Maybe you’d be expelled? Our parents have agreed to this. We have to go, Haka.’


This feels like a pretty feeble concern, considering that going with the Church is probably going to put their lives at risk. I still have a sneaking suspicion that you're going to kill Haka before he and Gael can reunite...

Haka muttered how his parents didn’t want him to go this academy in the first place.

Gael was too surprised with Aleveri’s sudden exit to hear it.


If Gael couldn't hear it, why did you mention it? The chapter is from Gael's perspective, so I feel like we should only be told about what he actually perceives.

‘I wish none of this ever happened. I really wish the church wasn’t that bad. But that would be too naive of me. Be careful, Gael.’


For whatever reason, 'wish' can't be followed by a verb in the present tense, even if it seems more appropriate. You'd never say 'I wish that she is my friend' - you'd have to say 'I wish that she was my friend'. (I'm not sure what the reason for this is, but I'd be interested to investigate it, actually.)

‘Have you been practicing your fighting skills?’


Using 'skill' in the singular just sounds weird here.

After he left, he wondered, Am I that obvious?

Yes, Serra said.


I loved this end! It really made me smile.

Overall Thoughts

The pacing and character interactions in this chapter felt a little wild. As I mentioned earlier, I don't think there was enough uncertainty and fear coming from Gael or Haka. I like that they've realised how they feel about each other and that, like Mea says, there's some real emotion coming into play. But their interaction just seemed a little too smooth and comfortable considering what an early stage they're at - and considering the pretty terrifying circumstances. It came across a little indulgent on your part, dare I say? Like you wanted to write these two characters being hot for each other and didn't want to focus on any of the nerves and fear that they'd surely be feeling. Understandable, but something I'd definitely fix in a redraft. It has to feel real.

I agree with Mea that the others' reactions to Gael and his trust of Haka felt a bit sudden. They came across as hostile rather than concerned. I can understand why they'd want to keep Haka at a distance, considering how aggressive and mindless he was in the fight a few chapters ago. My problem was more with how they expressed it. I'd expect them to be worried, incredulous, maybe scathing of Haka, but not quite so serious and hostile right off the bat. Though I think it makes sense for Veris to be a bit snappy, because he's probably picked up on Gael's feelings for Haka and is bound to be jealous.

(Can I just say?? Bad Gael. Gael has been an absolute rat to Veris. He's toyed with that boy's feelings and he doesn't even seem particularly guilty about it - he's more worried about how uncomfortable it will be for him to break the relationship off. Great character flaw to have, but I hope Veris doesn't forgive him too easily, because that's such a terrible thing to do to a person).

I'm also just going to throw this out there, but I kind of feel like you have too many characters for your own good. Early in the novel, it worked well enough because each pool of allies was distinct from the others. Now they're all grouping together, it's a real struggle for you to give them all the spotlight they need - there are too many competing voices and they all blur together. I also don't feel like you're exploiting their differences enough, which is part of the problem. At this point in the story, everyone seems to be driven by the same exact motivation: find out about the experiments. Nobody really deviates from that goal, even subtly, and that means that this vast cast of yours is starting to feel like a hive mind.

What I'd suggest is that you sit down, make a list of all of your characters, and ask yourself what each of them wants at this point in the story and why. This is something I try and do with my own novel whenever I feel like I'm getting lost, because it lets me differentiate my characters and figure out how they're going to behave going forward. No two characters should want the exact same thing for the exact same reasons, even if they're working towards the same goal.

Subtle differences in aims and motivations are how you maintain conflict among a cast that's working as one, so don't overlook things like that. Like Mea says, we don't have a good sense of how Gael, Felaris, Veris and Seya would naturally act around each other, and I think that stems from this broader problem about motivations. What do your characters want? Why do they want these things? I could probably answer that question with regards to Ilami, Felaris and maybe Gael, but the others? I don't really have a clue what personally drives them.

Felaris does really shine in this scene. Her approach stands out as different from the other characters (especially with the bit where she slapped Gael!) and I like her distinctiveness. You just need to differentiate the rest of the cast in a similar fashion.

That's all for this review, I think! I've been harsh, but I'm still looking forward to the next part. I'm quite eager for them to delve into investigations again, though I'm not sure why they need to after investigating the restricted area. Perhaps they're going to discover something more, something I didn't anticipate...

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Fri Nov 16, 2018 3:34 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey Light! I'm finally here for a review. :D I know it's been a while, but I definitely haven't abandoned this story.

I'm not quite sure what to say about this chapter. It feels like we've spent a while in the transitional period after the big reveals earlier, and so I'm hoping some kind of change will happen soon.

I liked the way you wrote Gael and Haka's attraction here. xD It felt natural and really brought an emotional element to the narrative that's a bit rare. Sometimes your main characters can feel really stoic, or it can feel like they're talking and thinking about their feelings but not actually feeling them in a way that makes me as the reader feel like they're real, but this was an exception - it definitely felt real and alive.

I'm not quite sure what to make of Gael's interactions with Felaris, Veris, and Seya (so not Ilami or Haka). It feels like they're a lot more hostile to him than they were and I'm not really sure why. I feel like I don't have a very good handle on how they relate to and would act around each other. I also feel like I don't really know what those three's motives are in the scene, why they're acting the way they're acting, and their reasons for being here in general are a lot less clear to me than, say, Ilami or Aleveri. I feel like I don't know them well, even though they're part of the team now and so I should.

Also, I wasn't very sure what the overall point of this meeting was. Was it just to talk about whether to trust Haka, or are they trying to plan something else?

Gael was too surprised with Aleveri’s sudden exit to hear it. ‘Is the meeting over?’ he asked.

We're in Gael's head at the moment - if Gael doesn't notice Haka muttering about his family not wanting him to be here, then we as readers shouldn't know it either, because we should only see and know what he sees and knows in this chapter.

Ilami is great as always, and so were the interactions with Serra. Serra is just fun to read. xD

And I think that's about all I've got for this chapter! Let me know if you have questions about what I said, and I'll see you in the next!





Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning