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E - Everyone

It's Not Just A Game !

by Muzzammil


Our hopes and dreams,

Carried out with our teams .


Parents, brothers , sisters,

I apologise for my wrong deeds.


It's a football night,

Imagine why it's so bright.


Not just eleven they are all,

Numbers can't define them at all.


Football is as ,

Not just a game.


It's our passion , 

No wonder what's its destination. 


It unites us with what,

At just a little spot.


It's very rare,

Why people don't care.


They have a doubt,

Don't know what's its all about. 


They should know,

Let the secret blow.


Players go there for a test ,

So they can be the best.


They contain the emotions,

From world's many portions.


They lose , they cry , they fall , 

But they stand again to fight all.

 

                                                                                                                                (KHAN)





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95 Reviews


Points: 155
Reviews: 95

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Thu Nov 08, 2018 5:15 pm
smile wrote a review...



hey there

i was searching in your works and this was what i found catchy, because i just love football
i first i thought you're talking about the american football since they call this soccer, but i was happy to realise it's about FOOTBALL

anyways i think that your poem is really well written, it rhymes and flows just nicely
i totally loved the first two lines, such a nice opening

i think you've captured the feeling of loving this game quite well with these lines:



It's a football night,

Imagine why it's so bright.


in this part i loved how you showed that it's a passion of lots of people around the world and how unites them tegether no matter where they are from

though i enjoyed it a lot but in my opinion it needs some metaphors just to apear a little more" poetry" it just my opinion though

overall, your piece is soo unique and lovely and i enjoyed it so much

have a great day

-SMILE-




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Mon Nov 05, 2018 5:48 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Muzzammil, I'm here as requested!

I'm going to be mainly covering form/flow/rhyme aspects in this review - but before I get to that I always like to cover interpretation - since to me that's the most important aspect of a poem anyways. As I like to say, "you can have many pretty words, but if they mean nothing, it is not poetry". :)

Interpretation
I interpreted this poem to be from the point of view of a speaker who absolutely loves the game of football, they are reflecting on the different aspects and relating to the audience the different ways that it is "more than a game". It's a love-poem of sorts, but directed at a sport. A concept that isn't covered all that often in poetry, so I enjoy the unique message you tackled here.

The speaker loves the game because it encompasses more than just the people on the field; it expands to family members, fans, friends etc.

And the game also brings out the player's best in their playing, creating something that is larger than just the strategies and game-plays involved, but something truly admirable.

After reading the poem I feel I have a better appreciation for the game.

I want to get to flow and form, so I'm just going to make two suggestions on message (that are really good general tips too)

1) Make sure your message is specific
Rather than talking about hopes and dreams and passions, as a reader I want to know what the specific dreams of the speaker are, what do they hope for, what is their passion. Making it more specific will allow the reader to better connect with the content.

2) Show, don't Tell
You may have heard it said in prose critiques to make sure you are showing the reader, rather than telling the reader what is happening, the same tip applies to poetry. This is another way to make sure the poem is engaging. In some of the poem it seemed like you were talking around and about the game, but you never painted a picture of what it looked like.

For example, maybe rather than saying "numbers can't define them" you could paint a story or give an example of how that is true, even in just a short line. By painting with more imagery you can also help engage the reader's senses a bit more.

Flow and Form
Let's move on to flow (how a poem sounds) and form (how the poem is broken up, how it looks on the page).

I like that you stuck with a consistent rhyme scheme, this helps flow tremendously to incorporate a bit of rhyme. I did notice you altered the rhyme scheme in one couplet though

Football is as ,
Not just a game.


and here
Parents, brothers , sisters,
I apologise for my wrong deeds.


^this very much disrupted the flow of the piece, and also seemed a little random, because I could figure out the reason for dropping the rhyme mid-piece. Sometimes it's fine to drop a rhyme scheme to draw attention to a particular part of the poem, but I didn't see that applying here.

Now as far as your rhyme scheme, I would encourage you in such a short poem, to try to avoid using the same words as your end-rhyme words. This makes it look like the author ran our of words to say, and also ends up being a bit "clunky" for flow. For when words repeat, and they repeat for now reason then the repeated words form an awkward sort of flow. (<- do you see what I did in those last two sentences, I repeated the same words again and again to show how it ends up sounding a bit odd). We like to read variety in words, unless there's a purpose to the repetition. So see if you can change a few of the times you used "all" as an end-rhyme word.

My last suggestion of flow is a good practice to follow generally too, and it would be to see if you can make the lines a bit more even. The more even that your lines are, in general the cleaner it looks on a page and consequently the easier it is to read.

There's a few grammar mistakes here and there in the poem - so you may want to give it a quick read-through out-loud to catch some of those mistakes.

That's all I have for now, please let me know if you have any questions.

~alliyah




alliyah says...


Also I see you're looking for a title maybe you could consider "More than a Game" or "A Field of Dreams" or "Game Day"?



Muzzammil says...


Thank you very much alliyah , i have noted all my mistakes and i will try to cover them next time .



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Sun Nov 04, 2018 3:42 am
sophies36 wrote a review...



Hi! Is sophie here for a review!
~
This is a really nice message and I enjoyed reading this. It has a nice rhyme scheme. The story line in this is super amazing. I like the title but it seems a bit angry. Like almost yelling. It has a message but I think it could be better. I don’t have any ideas but maybe you could think of something. This gives a really nice meaning to the sport and u enjoyed reading it. Good job and write on.
~




Muzzammil says...


Thank you , i really can't thinknof a title but i will try , thanks for the review.



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Sat Nov 03, 2018 6:01 pm
Chinku wrote a review...



Hi there Muzzammil,

It's a beautiful poem giving a full deep meaning/sense of sport and the the character of game to unite people from different places. I like the way you described it with a continuous accent of reading.

one part i love in this poem is, the end of all the stanzas are well placed to give a sense of rhyme, that makes the poem a nice one.

Another part is quite different that, the title shows the game equipment (Football) where as the poem describes the game. I would like to suggest you to think again about the title of the poem, which can attract the reader.

out of all it's a nice work. keep writing.

Thank you,
Chinku.




Muzzammil says...


Thanks ! Yeh i thought about the title too , can you recommend any other?



Chinku says...


That's fine now.



Muzzammil says...


Ok



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Sat Nov 03, 2018 5:39 pm
ThatOneGuy2002 wrote a review...



Nice poem, however, there were many grammar errors. In line 4, its spelled "Apologize". In line 13 it should be "it unites" instead of "it unite". In line 18 you spelled know "no". Besides these errors, its an alright poem. Good job, hope to see some more in the future. :3




Muzzammil says...


Thank you very much , ihave corrected the mistakes you mentioned





No problem.




"If I see an American in real life or a kiwi in a blockbuster, it feels surreal and weird, and like a funny trip."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi