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LIFE is Light ..... and Darkness

by Muzzammil


LIFE , is like a wind,

Which can even burst through a rim,

Sometimes , it provides you a bunch of beam,

Which can open your ways to cover thy dreams.


LIFE , is just a fire,

An honest servant but a dreadful master,

Can eliminate everything which you call a pry,

But it can also make thou cry.


LIFE , is a synonym of water ,

Grant you gifts like a precious daughter,

But also lets you experience the pain of slaughter,

It will never leave you dry , but it also fall, when you cry.


LIFE , is a life,

It goes on , whether thou happy or sad , alim or fat , alive or dead .

LIFE ALWAYS GOES ON!


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Fri Jan 11, 2019 3:12 pm
IbadurRehman wrote a review...



I think here comes the reality of a human's "life".This is such a poetry that is really heart-touching.The rhymes you used,the words you selected and the topic you choose is absolutely fantastic!
But ,Muzzammil,you should be more careful in using the the words because there are some words which are changing your real meaning whatever you are trying to convey.
Anyway,well deserved, 10/10 :)




Muzzammil says...


Got it!



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Thu Nov 08, 2018 1:24 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Some of the word choice in this piece felt a bit forced to me - like "synonym", "pry", "slaughter", "alim".

The phrasing also is a bit quirky - for instance "a bunch of beam" - I cannot imagine what in the world that might look like. I would encourage you to be very careful on word choice to make sure that you're familiar with the words you're using, because sometimes the slight change in connotation creates an opposite effect than the intent.

I think the formatting of the extra capital letters and italics is a bit dramatic also. Maybe pick one or the other?

Now what I do like, is the instinct to use metaphors! :) Metaphors make poetry really pop and make the reader think of even ordinary concepts like "life" in a brand-new way. So I was happy to see how many different metaphors you weaved in here. You could even make the metaphors themselves connect a bit more to bring the poem to the next level.

Keep up that figurative language, it makes poetry shine! :)

Let me know if you had any questions about my review, have a good day!

~alliyah




Muzzammil says...


Ok , thanks %u263A



alliyah says...


You're welcome!



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Sat Nov 03, 2018 9:23 am
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EagleFly wrote a review...



Hi there @Muzzammil I am here to do a review on you poem.

LIFE , is like a wind,
okay I think that this is very true, to me I feel like this happen a lot not all the time though.

Which can even burst through a rim,
okay I do not really no what you were getting at here, the bit were you say a rim, I am not quit shore what you mean, the next line is a bit strange as well.

Sometimes , it provides you a bunch of beam,
okay just to say, beam is like a thing that a gymnast does things with so I would not really say this word unless you meant that. I will try to suggest something down in suggestions.
Which can open your ways to cover thy dreams.
the word Thy did you mean to say the or they or did you just want to say it like you did coos I think that the would haven been better for this sen tens.

But it can also make thou cry.
Okay I am going to say that I am shore that you could have done this line a bit better I will put this in suggestions as well.

Suggestions
1: Sometimes , it provides you a bunch of dicier,
2:But it can also tern into a cry.
So that is all that I can say about this poem, So keep up the grate work also this was really good, you don't have to listen to me if you don't think that it helped you, I hope that it did help you.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill




Muzzammil says...


Thanks for the review and pointing out my mistakes. I will cover them in next poem



EagleFly says...


you are very welcome. :D



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Sat Nov 03, 2018 1:22 am
Thecakesatruth wrote a review...



Hey! Ima review this poem, so lets get started! I want to start off by saying that this is not, by any means, a bad poem. I just, personally, think that the rhymes were a bit awkward at times and it kind of distracted me from the meaning of the poem. I really like the 2nd and last stanza for some reason. However, in the last stanza, I think you meant to type "thin." But to me, it didn't take away from the poem. Although I think you had some awkward rhymes, I still achieved the meaning and I think it has a really nice moral to it. I really like the idea and what you tried to do with it and I liked how you used words such as "thou." Anyways, overall, your poem could be amazing with just a little editing. However, you don't have to change it, because it's your poem. Anyways! See you later~




Muzzammil says...


Thank you for the review , i have noted my mistakes and will try to cover them next time.



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Fri Nov 02, 2018 1:57 pm
Louisiana15 wrote a review...



HEY!!! Louisiana here to review your work!

First off, I like the topic. It's moving; it's passionate.

Second, grammar: So last stanza "alim" I'm pretty sure is supposed to be "slim"...? Overall, though, the grammar is fine, but some subject-verb relations are incorrect. "it" and "fall" should be "it" and "falls". I saw such things a few more times (first stanza).


Rhyme Scheme: This poem is so beautiful but your rhyme scheme is holding back its full potential. Because of the specific diction that's available when using a rhyme scheme, one tends to accidentally use words that rhyme but don't fit in. In the second to last stanza, the rhyme scheme was beautiful; it flowed flawlessly...until the last line. That just broke the flow. I suggest re-reading your poem in different ways, with different flows to find your best match based on the tone and theme of the work. Of all the stanzas and rhyme schemes used, the second to last stanza fit in the best. So, I'd either go free-form on this or use that rhyme scheme. I hope that helps.

I'm a little confused in the second stanza... "Can eliminate everything which you call a pry," for example... This made me stop and stare at the line trying to see what my author was saying. It seemed awkward compared to what was said before. Like, I know what you're trying to say, but the rhyme scheme just gets in the way. Like I said before, you want it to flow :)

Your last stanza needs better diction... Again, I see where you are going but this stanza does not exactly fit in with the rest of the poem.

Repetition: I like how you repeat the word "LIFE". It helps with the theme and the tone.

If you are going to use "thy" and "thou," I think you should use it completely or don't use it at all. I saw "you" a lot and then "thy" and "thou" and that made it choppy. I like your use of "thy" and "thou" but make it consistent. Speaking of which, another grammar thing: Last stanza, the second line should be "It goes on, whether thou art happy or sad; slim or fat; alive or dead." That is more grammatically correct (plus comma splices without the use of connecting conjunctions before "alive or dead" so I would use semi-colons).

Overall, this is a great start! I love where you are going with this! Keep it up!!

Louisiana :) :)




Muzzammil says...


Yeh , i have noted my mistakes and I will be careful next time . Thanks for your opinion . Well talking of rhyming, I have a very good taste , read the next one , it is far more better in rhyming than this one.



Muzzammil says...


And yeh ! You are write about grammer thingy but I think that the poetry should be free of any kind of grammer .



Louisiana15 says...


:) I loved it though. It gave me perspective and brightened my day!



Muzzammil says...


Thank you ! %u2764



Louisiana15 says...


:)



Muzzammil says...


I have written my second poem . You can find it on my profile.




I sleep with reckless abandon!
— Link Neal