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E - Everyone

Unworthy Hero ~ Chapter 2

by thedevinhiggins


I somehow managed to drive back to the dormitory, change into human clothing, tuck the newspaper article into my backpack, and sit on my twin-sized bed with my laptop before my roommate Taylor Ginen walked through the door in her Carl’s, Jr. uniform, her golden blonde hair pulled back into a messy bun. Usually she wasn't still in the uniform this late in the evening, but one look at her exhausted face told me she had worked a longer shift.

“How was the journalism meeting?” I asked, pretending not to sound out of breath. I subtly moved my shirt sleeve over a nasty burn mark I got from my encounter with Hung Zhu, where he had punched me.

“It was good,” Taylor replied, setting down her purse, hat, and weathered purple notebook. “We got another assignment for the next two weeks.”

“Cool! What is it?” I asked her, propping myself up on the bed.

“We have to do an article on Time Turner and her influence on Captain Hope City. Not like there’s much about her, am I right?” Taylor said with a laugh. It took everything in my ability not to protest. It would expose my identity for sure.

“Yeah!” I managed to say.

Taylor didn’t say anything more, but instead walked over to the fridge and observed its vacancy. She pulled out the spaghetti leftovers and put it in the microwave.

“So what’s your opinion on Time Turner?” Taylor asked me, pushing some buttons on it.

“Oh, umm…” I started, thinking of what to say. “I don’t know, really. I’m not much interested in superheroes.”

“Interesting...” Taylor said, not looking away from the microwave. After a little while, it beeped three times, and Taylor pulled out the leftovers. She took the steaming tub and sat on her bed. “Who made this?”

“Mrs. Jessica, from down the street,” I replied.

She twirled her plastic fork in the spaghetti and took a bite. “Tell her she makes really good spaghetti.”

“Believe me, I already have!” I said with a laugh. We then fell silent, each of us concentrating on our homework. I pulled up my essay for English, a 5-page rhetorical analysis on The Great Gatsby.

After a little while, my phone started vibrating. I picked it up without looking at the contact name and said,

“Hello?”

“Hey, sweetie!” the voice of my mom said gleefully. “How are you?”

“Doing good!” I said. “Just working on an essay for English.” I glanced at my laptop’s screen and made a disgusted face.

“Oh, that’s interesting. What about?”

“The Great Gatsby.”

“Interesting. How’s work?”

“It’s fine. I recently got a small raise for my evening job, since a coworker left.”

“Congratulations, honey! How much are you getting paid now?”

“About ten and a half dollars an hour.”

“That’s nice!” There was a pause. “How’s the car?”

“Oh...” I said, glancing at Taylor. She was silently typing on her laptop. “The Civic is fine.”

It went on like this for a little while. She would ask a question: how life was, how Taylor was, if I’d met any nice guys. I’d then give a straightforward, often one-word answers. It was just how it was when my mom called. However, our conversations would become a little more interesting after Taylor fell asleep…

I looked over at her. She was laying down facing me with her eyes closed and her laptop next to her.

“Taylor?” I asked her. “You awake?”

She gave no response. I turned my attention back to my mom.

“Okay, my roommate’s knocked out for the night! So...did you hear about Flamewoman and Vapor’s engagement?”

“Actually, no!” my mom replied. “I knew about them dating, though.”

“Well, they announced it on SuperTalk. They said their wedding would be within the next couple months.”

“The next couple months? They seem to be moving fast!”

“Well, they have known each other for many years, and they come from the wealthier families. I imagine they don’t need as much time to get settled.”

“You’re right, but...I bet their fights wouldn’t go too well.”

I tried to imagine a fight between them: fire and, essentially, water. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought.

“Yeah, I can imagine.” I suddenly realized how tired I was. “Well, it’s getting late. I should hit the hay.”

“Yes, you probably should,” my mom said. “Good night, honey.”

“Bye, Mom. Love you!”

“Love you, too, honey!”

I hung up and placed my phone on the side table between mine and Taylor’s beds. I then pulled my covers over me and fell asleep peacefully. Little did I know it would be the last peaceful moment I would have for a long while.


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30 Reviews


Points: 1598
Reviews: 30

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Sun Oct 28, 2018 11:16 am
Traves wrote a review...



HOnestly speaking, this review is not gonna be long, most of my major criticisms remain, and that's part of your writing style, so changing that in any way should be a well thought out decision anyway. Also of course, this one isn't as long as the previous one.

1. Plot and pacing - The pacing was right on point. Something that I like to notice is how much time is used to set up the central premise of the chapter, how much for actually showing it, and how much on everything else and their ratios. Those were spot on, and I never felt any part being loose. Other than that, I found the fact that her mother calls her and keeps talking to her until her room-mate falls asleep a bit incongruous to be honest. People just leave the room if they can't talk to their room mates. Or, they call the other person back when the room mate is asleep. If there's a specific valid reason that the duo has this way to talk on the phone, I'm interested in knowing later on.

2. You have improved in some parts in this regard, and maybe that's why this chapter is shorter and more crisp, but here's an example —
"“We have to do an article on Time Turner and her influence on Captain Hope City. Not like there’s much about her, am I right?” Taylor said with a laugh. It took everything in my ability not to protest. It would expose my identity for sure."

The last sentence is redundant. Please trust the readers a bit more. They will get it. Right now, it feels like you're having show-not-tell issues, but everyone has them. It isn't that bad, but it really distracts from an otherwise interesting chapter.

It's October review day, so right on to the next chapter I go!

Keep writing, man!






Thank you for the review!



Traves says...


You're welcome!



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172 Reviews


Points: 6334
Reviews: 172

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Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:05 pm
Shikora wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here to help you bring your work out of the green room.

What I like

I really like that this chapter is long as well, it just gives it a better feeling. This chapter was a lot better than the last one. So it's a good sine.

The plot

I'm really happy with how the plot is moving along. It's just getting me hooked a lot more than the last chapter did. Just keep doing what your doing. I can tell this story is off to a great start.

The characters

I'm finding out so much more than I thought I would when I first started reading this story. I'm happy that I'm forming a connection with the characters in this story. I'm starting to see them the way you do. Witch is very important.

The setting

I still would like a bit more description in this chapter. I no I sound like I'm asking a lot, but I'm going to be strait forward with you. I want to no more about what the room the characters are stating in. If you look at it from an outsiders point of view your image will be kind of fuzzy. I have to think about these type of things a lot when I write. It's just one of those things. But I have something that could help you. I say this to myself when I write. Smell, sound, sight and feel. If you have these things in your chapter then your chapter will be ten times better.

So that's all from me I hope this helped. Never stop writing because it's really good, and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D






Thank you so much for the review! I suppose I do have an issue with imagery...although I am no longer editing this story (I had been working on this for months and I had to find a stopping point), I have other stories where I will definitely take what you said into consideration. Again, thank you for the review!



Shikora says...


I understand! But even if you don't do anything with this review you can always keep it in mind. :D I really want to read more of your work.




“Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”
— Richard Siken