Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

E - Everyone

Eagle Times Book One Chapter 3

by EagleFly


Eyedis and Talon Eye went to the door at the end of the training room. Eyedis opened the baby blue door wide open and went out side followed by Talon Eye. When they stepped outside, this pandemonium of dust came into there longs and nostrils, it sated burning their eyes. The era smelt like tare and metal along with dust. Talon Eye’s nose started to tickle like made, but then ten seconds later it went away. All of them were yeast to this because the era was all ways full of dust and tare and metal.

“I want every wones attention pleas!” shouted Eyedis unexpectedly. Every one turned there heads to him and Talon Eye. At that point Talon Eyes dad the head of the hull tribe came up to Eyedis and his on son Talon Eye.

“Yeas Eyedis what do you want to say to us?” dad asked him he look eretated.

“today Talon Eye passed his training, so I think it is do for a selebrashin for he will be jongning this war coming up on Tuesday or Wednesday!” Eyedis yelled. it seemed like he was on preppies lee making himself look like a pleat fool.

“then let the selebrashin begin!” Talon Eye’s dad Nordic shouted bake rolling his Eyes to one side. He looked like he was going to shout at Eyedis our Talon Eye but he did not do any thing, So the selebrashin went on. Talon Eye was hopping that his dad would reining it but he did ant. All around Talon Eye Eagles were clapping there wings to gather, shouting these words to Talon Eye.

“congrats to Talon Eye the era to the throne, for passing the Eagle test of war,” they all shouted to him. they all started dancing around like mad, doing coons with their wings. Talon Eye’s father came up to him with disappoint mint in his eyes.

“Son I am sorry to say that they Eagles have decided that the war is going to be any time this week,” Nordic said looking upset.

“that is all right shouldn't we all go and pout our amour on then in stead of doing this stooped thing,” Talon Eye said.

“Yes we should, every one, the Eagles have decided that the war is going to start at any time this week , so I sagest that we go and get our amour on now,” Nordis said. Every one under stood, the women went inside with the children, why all of the men that in clouded Talon Eye, went to the training setter to get the amour and weapons. Likely they were finished putting it on in minute, for when they went out of the training room the dong went off.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
930 Reviews


Points: 3752
Reviews: 930

Donate
Thu Oct 11, 2018 4:10 am
View Likes
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey there! Just to let you know, I haven't read any of the previous chapters to this novel, and I apologize for that. I am just going to base my review off of what I read here. :)

So! The first thing I've noticed is that there are a lot of grammatical errors throughout this entire chapter, which makes it very hard to read and understand. If the readers cannot understand your writing, then they won't be able to follow the plot and you'll lose them. Remember to use spell check after you're done writing the chapter and remember to proofread, proofread, proofread! A lot of these mistakes happened because you added an extra e or you just used the wrong form of the word. I will give you some examples.

this pandemonium of dust came into there longs and nostrils, it sated burning their eyes.


You're not using pandemonium the correct way. There should be their and sated should be started.

The era smelt like tare


Era should be area, smelt should be smelled, and tare should be tar (I think?).

Talon Eye’s nose started to tickle like made


Made should be mad.

And that's all just in the first chapter. Honestly, it was hard for me to finish the chapter because of the grammatical errors and I really can't write about the plot because I was too focused on the errors, noticing them as I read, and not really paying attention to the plot because I was distracted. If you decide to fix these errors, let me know and I will reread this chapter to give you a better review. And remember that the errors are throughout this chapter, not just the ones I pointed out.

I hope this helps. xx




EagleFly says...


thank you for the review it really means a lot to me. :D I will go and ficus those mistakes when I can thanks again.



User avatar
151 Reviews


Points: 4918
Reviews: 151

Donate
Tue Oct 02, 2018 6:11 am
View Likes
Shikora wrote a review...



Hi EagleFly Shikora here to do a review.

What I like

I really like the name you have chosen for this book it just seems to soot it really well. Your writing has gotten a lot better though i can understand what your saying, (some of the time). I really like it that your chapters is getting longer, because it doesn't feel so rushed.

The plot

I like it that the plot is moving along, and I get to have a few cool fighting scenes in between it makes your story a lot more interesting. I'm really dying to no more about this up coming war. I also really like it were you ended your chapter.

Likely they were finished putting it on in minute, for when they went out of the training room the dong went off.

This is just a brilliant way to end the chapter and keep people interested and wanting to know what will happen next.

Characters

I like it that I'm now getting to find out more about Talon eye and how well his doing with his training. It is really important to let your readers no more about your main character other wise they wont have the connection with him as you do.

The setting

It's good that you keep telling us about the setting around Talon eye, and what his doing. But I do feel like it could do with a bit more. When your righting try to keep these few things in mind. Feel, smell, sight and sound. There are lots more but those are the main ones that if you remember them then your story will be even better then before.

Mistakes

The era smelt like tare and metal along with dust.

I'm sure you meant to say area.

Talon Eye’s nose started to tickle like made

Do you mean to say mad?

“I want every wones attention pleas!”

I'm you meant to say everyone's. Oh and everyone is one word.

Yeas Eyedis what do you want to say to us?”

That need to say yes.

so I think it is do for a selebrashin for he will be jongning this war coming up on Tuesday or Wednesday!”

Did you mean to say celebration? That needs to say joining.

I'm not going to go through and point out everything but if you want me to then just let me no. But sometimes you just need to read through and you will spot everything. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter. Never stop writing and have a great day.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




EagleFly says...


thank you Shikora.



Shikora says...


Your welcome.




Why do we only rest in peace? Why don't we live in peace too?
— Alison Billet