Young Writers Society

Heya brenzie! Cat here to review your poem. I'll start by going through the poem and giving my thoughts as I read, so let's get going.

First four lines give a nice clear description of what you are trying to get across. They read simply and hold no hidden meaning, which can be good or bad, depending on which way you look at it. It clearly depicts a lost someone whom the narrator is close to and remembers vividly, but isn't actually there at the moment.

Next five lines make me think that it's all just a voice inside their head? Like are they going crazy or something? Is it themselves? It's open ended, which kinds works in this situation.

Next for are a little weak in expanding the previous thoughts, but I can see that it is pretty much the narrator just being inside their own head.

Next five are interesting with the apple analogy. I don't thing you need to add 'cyanide' just because it feels like you are trying to make sure people will get your analogy.

Next three turn this into a depression kind of thing. It's a lot more serious than it was at first, which I'm not sure feels consistent.

Last part is a little confusing? Like the voice isn't a friend but they are? It doesn't feel explained enough.

I do kinda think there should be a few stanza breaks instead of one long poem.Overall though, it has nice flow and meaning, and I really enjoyed it.

Keep writing! =^-^=
~Cat

Hi there @brenzie8117 I am here to do a review on you very first poem is it.

What I like about this
It says all the things I do

And When I try to break away

I realize the voice is still you. Nice riming here it is really good,keep it up.

You break me down to my core, this is true People do, do that some times

some advise for you
Though my eyes depict nothingness wherever I turn, I'm a bit confused for I have never herd the word depict what dose it mean this sounds really weird as well.
Many years down the road, okay I do not get what you saying here, what has the road got to do with it. it is very hard to see what you mean when you say this.
You eat me up like and apple, just a little thing that needs to be fixed here, You eat me up like an apple
Then you finally reach my poisonous cyanide seeds, okay what dose Poisonous mean again I do not no what you mean here.
Suggestions
1 For: I hear your voice so loudly, I hear your loud voice.

2 For: Yet my ears would argue “no" Yet my ears would argue “no," to the sound of all this. So that is all that I can say. so keep up the good work.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill

This review is given by Arpan Ekka to Brenzie.
The theme of the poem is nice, the flow is smooth and the words clearly depict state of mind of the poet, the dilemma of whether to stick to this friend or not, whether to agree with all the other voices that oppose the relationship or whether to listen to the voice of her own heart and mind.

Coming to some minute flaws, I would obviously suggest using punctuations. This will give your poem a bit more sense, and the content and expression of each line will be enhanced. I see there is a typing error in the line, "You eat me up like AND apple", where " and" must have had been "an" originally. So proof reading your work before officially publishing is necessary.
Well that's it for the review.
Thank you.
Keep writing and keep flourishing.

Hello, Anne here to review your poem. First of all, this was very interesting. It seems as if most poetry is about love or people, it was interesting to see you write about something other than that.
That being said, there are some minor things you could improve on. First of all, I noticed that your stanzas were not spaced out, this may have been on purpose, but I thought I would point it out just in case.
In your first stanza, when you said:
"I hear your voice so loudly

Yet my ears would argue “no”"

I feel as if removing would from this line could make it sound a lot better. You see, the word hear is present tense, but would is future tense ( in this sense past ). If you got rid of it, your poem would have a better flow and make more sense to your audience.
In your 8th line, i would remove the word but. It seems as if you used it a lot in this poem, which means it would be better if you got rid of it in a few places. This is one of them..... The flow would be better and it is not really needed.
In this line... "And When I try to break away" When does not need to be capitalized. I am sure that this is nothing but a silly typo. Even though it is likely a mistake, it can still distract your reader from getting the point that you are trying to present. When I read this section of your poem, all I would focus on is how out of place the capital letter was. It took away from the meaning a little bit. Also, at the end of your poem, you did not put a period.
Other than that, I feel like your poem was pretty good. It was interesting to see how the speaker felt about the issue. I also liked how you said you, putting the reader's mind into the poem more. You see, as a reader, I almost felt like I was the illness. That was pretty cool experience. After some revisions, I am sure that this would turn out to be a pretty good work.
Keep writing, feel free to pm me if you have any questions or if you would like some advice. Have a good day
-Anne