Young Writers Society

Hello again! I'm back to read another one of your imagery-filled poems.

Compared to your other poems that focus on nature, this poem actually brings the reader into the scene through the narrator's observations. I'm glad you went that route - the title gives the reader expectations for how beautiful the sea will be, and the style of poem delivers on those expectations. By showing the sea through the narrator's eyes, the reader can understand why the narrator thinks it could be Heaven.

I mentioned in my review of "A River of Orange" that you should move the picture to the end of the poem, but I think the photograph works even better at the beginning of this particular one. The title doesn't let the reader know what the poem will be about - which is definitely okay! - but the picture clues them in on what they're going to read.

I also love how the last line is its own stanza. It really makes it stand out, and it makes the reader grin when they realize the poem's fulfilled its promise.

I have a couple of areas that I want to point out, but it's nothing major.

As I breathe in the sweet sent.

Again a cold salty breeze blows past my face

The salty smell brushes past my nose

Again a cold breeze blows past me,

The salty smell reaches my nose

This could be Heaven

Heyo, FlamingPhoenix!

This is a lovely poem, it's like re-reading a dream, if ya know what I mean. It's really nice, I love how you explained all the details like the fishes, the sun, the ocean. That's like your talent! I'm pretty sure it is. Anyways, grammar was perfect, and spelling was perfect accept I saw one thing in this line:

"As I breathe in the sweet sent."

I'm pretty sure, 'sent' in supposed to be 'scent'. The word 'sent' means sending something or someone to something or someone. Ya know what I mean? Anyways, great job with the rhyming!

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500

Hey Dogs here for a review!

I loved this poem, it was beautifully written, but I have a thing to point out!

sent should be spelled scent. The word sent is like sending a package or sending mail to somewhere where scent is like: The scent of the city smells as if it just rained.

I can tell your writing has improved a lot sense I met you so keep up the great work!

I can't wait to read more of your poems in the future!

Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs

Hello!! This was beautifully written. I have a few things to comment on.

First, waves of the ocean, in literature, is how sex is described since back-in-the-day, it was improper to describe sex. Sooooo. From that, desire (not necessarily sexual desire) is perfectly portrayed. I'm not sure if you noticed that connection, but if you did, great job!


Next, I found this a little choppy, and I can see it fits perfectly with the choppy waves of the sea, but when I was reading this I wanted to feel the smooth, rolling waves and the frequent stops from periods kept me from feeling the full power of the ocean. It seemed awkward/annoying (mind blank--there was a different word I wanted to use but it slipped my mind... sorry) that I had to constantly stop at the period.


I agree with cinderellie, "salty" seen twice in stanza 5 makes it awkward. I suggest you either omit one of them or find a synonym.

Imagery is on point. It was clear, like the ocean You focused on the beauty of the ocean--the whole point of the poem--so, I am glad you used positive language versus neutral or negative.

I like how the final line of the poem is "This could be Heaven." It seems so out of place and random but the way you set up for it through the stanzas before it was cleverly built. That gives it so much more power and meaning for a single phrase.

Again, beautiful job!--Louisiana

I love the vivid descriptions in this. Because of them, I feel like I'm there with you. The calmness this poem gives to those who read it is magnificent. In the fifth stanza, however, I would try not to use the word salty twice, but I still love this!!

Hello, Shikora!!

This is Eros here ...again with a review for this beautiful poem of yours!

I must say, you have improved a lot upon the Nitpicks... Absolutely no error. I can't see any mistake in punctuation also and ..word choice is great. I loved the poem so much!

I felt as I was standing at the Ocean shore. The description was amazing... I felt so calm while I was reading the whole poem and the meaning the scenary is described so beautifully.
The Feelong of water splashing on the feet ... sometimes on the face... The smell--- everything. You did a great job by connecting to the readers' senses--- visual, olfactory ...touch or the feeeling to the skin..... It was awesome.

And ... The flow of the poem is very smooth too. That picture is sweet...how the fishes are swimming around your feet was so realistic.

So... overall it was an amazing poem. Loved it.

Keep writing such awesome stuff and we would love to keep reading and keep reviewing them!

Have a great day / night !

With love,
From Eros.

Hi there,

Wow, I loved this poem! It is very brief, to the point, well-written, and understandable. As a general comment, I'd like to say that you made an excellent use of imagery in each stanza. One tiny word that caught my attention is the word "There" on line three of the fourth stanza. I am assuming you meant to say "Their" since you are referring to the scales of the fish that shine with the sunlight. (I'm sure you know the difference between "there" and "their". It is too easy to be caught off guard and make this careless spelling mistake, so don't worry too much)

Great job overall, keep writing!

Salutations!

This is a pretty poem. It's simple, yet still conveys the general mood and imagery well enough. When I first began reading, I thought it was going to be a love poem, which seemed odd, given your description, but then it was shown not to be the case. I think I prefer that.


Titles are important, so I often spend some time addressing them. Here, your title is also used as a title drop for the last of the poem, which adds some weight to the conclusion. However, I'd recommend writing it in title case. Here, that would mean capitalising every word, since nouns, pronouns, and verbs are all capitalised in that format. I realise "Heaven" could simply be capitalised because it's a proper noun, but regardless of the reason, it would look more aesthetically appealing.

You've chosen not to use any commas in this poem. That's fine, but then I recommend shortening the sentences so that commas aren't necessary. Note, though, that I'd have made this recommendation even if you had used commas, since your lines have a tendency to be of medium to high length. For example, the first line could be made to look something like this:

The sapphire waves wash onto the shore

Nice piece of poetry