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Prologue (of Source)

by Louisiana15


Prologue

Ostend energias kraptus,” reveal the hidden power. In the dark of night, four men stride through the village which is expertly hidden by powerful wards and spells. By whom remains a mystery. A village of magic and power; a village full of innocent children who know nothing of their identity. Their parents live here to protect the children and train them, unknowingly, to be part of the rebelling army against these men’s malevolent master. The adults live for the children. This place is full of power, it must be destroyed:the unanimous thought of all four men. Approaching each house, they position their hands on the front doors to locate the trace of a single power; a job for only the strongest. Halfway through the village, the force is found in a small house with the presence of six people: two adults, four children. Singling out the source of the power, they discover it is one of least expectance.

A fifteen-year old girl?! How can that child be the wielder of such power?” demands one, disgusted.

This is preposterous; she has the potential of becoming more powerful than us all combined when she becomes of age! How does she have this strength?!” exclaims a second

You fools! Do you not realize she holds the Power of all? She is the new Host. That is the trace you have been searching for! From her comes all powers. She is shielded from the knowledge of the magical world which means her own powers are dwindled. When the child turns sixteen, she will be a candle in the dark and will hide no longer.

It is because of the boy that our minds are darkened, and that secrecy of this place has been prolonged for so long. Already of age, he has somehow hidden himself from the sight and knowledge of us. Had he not, we would have sensed him sooner. If he is this strong at such a young age, then the girl will be either just as strong or stronger. Over the many generations, sometimes one of the Hosts is stronger than the other. Beware both of them either way. This boy most definitely is the second half of the Source; no one else could be this powerful at such a young age,” hisses a menacing voice from behind the men.

The Source. In the beginning were the first with power, a man and a woman who are the first parents to the line of magics. On their deathbeds, the Ancient Ones, by which they are known, passed on the Source of Power to two others, always one male and one female, to maintain balance. Along with the Source, they supplied their own memories and a fragment of their spirits for the Chosen Ones. When called upon, they can even assist the Hosts. Long has it been since the Ancient Ones were last summoned, for the human mind has been corrupted of late. The world carries on without peace for hundreds of thousands of years, while the Ancient Ones do not interfere without being woken from their slumber.

The recently deceased man and woman have blessed these two children with the power. Evidence of their deaths have been confirmed. I saw them myself and attempted to see if they still carried the Source within them to no avail. The power was already exposed to the children. Long I searched for the direction of the power, but I lost the tracks when arriving at these surrounding woods. It caught me off guard, I admit, but now I understand why. Here they are, vulnerable, weak, exposed.

The boy shields this place from the world to protect the girl while she is unaware, while the Matriarch ensured their safety with her blood sacrifice. Even by just standing here, her spirit tries to disintegrate your very essence; she knows what you are here to do. She has thwarted my plans long enough, but no longer! We will overcome her protection. Nothing will remain of their home; all shall perish by flames and spells. Take the girl, she is naïve; the boy, who is too dangerous for you, will come after her and then both shall be in our control. The Source shall be ours to command.” The voice continues.

The mysterious speaker then departs, leaving the men pondering over their instructions. The knowledge of the Matriarch’s actions unsettles them, leaving them looking over their shoulders as though expecting her spirit to materialize behind them. While shivering in the dark, the men review the laid-out battle plans. After many an hour passes, a decision is reached, and the men disperse, preparing for what will become the turn of history. The Attack. Each vanish into the night, gathering their followers, gathering all they can to help overpower the fortified village. As they leave, the villagers sleep on tranquilly not knowing what awaits them the next day, nor that their lives are in the gravest danger possible.

As they leave, an almost inaudible phrase escapes the village barriers, “Marïs a Evanensan den duruén,” Fate and Death are cruel. Around the village, the blood of the Matriarch rises to the surface and bubbles with agitation until, once again, returning to the earth.


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Sat Sep 15, 2018 2:48 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello!! I'll admit I don't read a ton of fantasy (I'm more of a contemporary/realistic sort of gal) but your little description sounded intriguing so I wanted to take a look!

I usually assume most things posted on YWS are first or second drafts so I tend to look at bigger picture things I think are going on rather than sentence level or grammar type things.

Most of the time novels don't need prologues and prologues end up being info-dumps rather than intriguing the reader and launching us right into the plot. I totally get the temptation to set up the world and explain what's going on a little bit before we get going, but mystery and intrigue is your friend in a first chapter/prologue and explanation is not.

In this prologue I felt like we had a lot of explaining, but not a lot of context. Where are we? Paint this scene for me. Description is always something I have to go back and add too, but think about where we are and what makes this world unique and show that to us the reader right from this prologue.

I think if you want to include a prologue you totally can, but I would restructure it a little bit. Think about what the critical message of the prologue needs to be - in my eyes it's the knowledge that this girl is super powerful. That's great. That adds intrigue because I want to know who she is, why she's powerful, and how this will become significant. All of that will come out later :)

Instead of hearing about why this girl is powerful, I want to see it. There's a lot of exposition in the prologue with some dialogue sprinkled in, but I want to actually see this all unfold. I want to see them discover her, see how they discover her, and see how they know how powerful she is. I want this voice to also be some kind of visual experience so that I feel like I'm there alongside your characters experiencing this with them.

I think the overall sentiment and idea of the prologue is cool and by reworking it to include a lot more setting and a lot more showing of the discovery rather than telling us about the girl could make for a really dynamic and cool opening!

Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! I hope you keep working on this story, and let me know if you need anything as you get used to the site! :D




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Fri Sep 14, 2018 11:41 am
Zoom wrote a review...



Hello Louisiana,

“Ostend energias kraptus,” reveal the hidden power. In the dark of night, four men stride through the village which is expertly hidden by powerful wards and spells. By whom remains a mystery. A village of magic and power; a village full of innocent children who know nothing of their identity. Their parents live here to protect the children and train them, unknowingly, to be part of the rebelling army against these men’s malevolent master. The adults live for the children. This place is full of power, it must be destroyed:the unanimous thought of all four men. Approaching each house, they position their hands on the front doors to locate the trace of a single power; a job for only the strongest. Halfway through the village, the force is found in a small house with the presence of six people: two adults, four children. Singling out the source of the power, they discover it is one of least expectance.


Nice ominous start, I like the creepy atmosphere you’re drumming up. I’d argue, however, that the parts I’ve bolded aren’t needed right off the bat? You’re already starting with an exciting scene to grab my attention, but this feels hindered by these sentences of exposition. We can learn this as we go along.

“A fifteen-year old girl?! How can that child be the wielder of such power?” demands one, disgusted.

“This is preposterous; she has the potential of becoming more powerful than us all combined when she becomes of age! How does she have this strength?!” exclaims a second

“You fools! Do you not realize she holds the Power of all? She is the new Host. That is the trace you have been searching for! From her comes all powers. She is shielded from the knowledge of the magical world which means her own powers are dwindled. When the child turns sixteen, she will be a candle in the dark and will hide no longer.


The dialogue here feels a bit convenient? It’s like you’re using these characters to pitch the premise of your story for you. The first paragraph isn’t too bad but the second and third definitely crosses the line. Your characters don’t have to be so clear cut with their dialogue, especially at the beginning of a novel. It’s okay if we don’t entirely understand everything, because part of the fun is not knowing everything and being excited to learn as we read.

Actually, this concern continued throughout the rest of the prologue. Everything seems set up in a way that is for the reader’s benefit, so that they can learn what you think they need to before the actual story begins. I can tell you’ve put a lot of thought into creating a history and backstory, and I get that this is very complicated to integrate into a story, however it’s imperative that you do so, otherwise your story will come across like a textbook that is being read to us by your characters.

Have you considered writing this prologue from the perspective of the girl/host? That might help you develop your story at a more natural pace, and not rely so much on exposition to move things along. It’s interesting that the new host is sheltered from this world of magic, so it would be more intense to read about how she slowly starts to emerge into this world?

Another small concern I have is that you have been a bit heavy handed with The Chosen One trope. Obviously, tropes are subjective and it always depends on how they are executed. I think you should spend more time focusing on what brings this story away from this trope. For example, it sounds awesome that the host can call upon the ancient ones for support, and you mentioned that they are in slumber, so not technically dead? I feel like the moment the ancient ones go to rest and pass on their magic would make a much stronger prologue? You have an absolute catalogue of great ideas at your disposal ^_^

There isn’t a great deal else to comment on, because there isn’t much setting or character development yet, this was mostly for the purpose of world building. Even so, I have full trust in your writing ability. Your word choice and sentence structure was crisp and on point. I had no concerns in that aspect.

If you post more to this please let me know - I’d love to check out the start of this story.

-Zoom




Louisiana15 says...


Hi! Thank you so much for your review! First, the girl/Host doesn't know she is a Host as mentioned in the prologue and she and the other Host are asleep at during the prologue, so... That's why I wrote it using those men as the speakers. I can see how the bolded text is hindering, but I feel like it is needed because the book in its whole is meant to be recounting the events in the Hosts' lives. Regarding the Ancient Ones, they went into slumber thousands of years before the time of my story. Later in my story (I have further chapters written, waiting to be published), characterization and setting are developed; and the characters express their perspectives while speaking to themselves, etc. I definitely plan to make extra edits to this prologue and the further chapters; and, I will make sure to incorporate your review into them. I'll let you know when either the edited version of the Prologue or Chapter 1 is published!



Zoom says...


Hey. I understood that the host doesn%u2019t understand they are a host, that%u2019s why I suggested it would be more intense to see things from her perspective rather from those who already understand everything. But I guess if she%u2019s asleep then this isn%u2019t possible haha



Louisiana15 says...


Haha, not really :) But I really do value your opinion, so thank you so much for that idea!!



horses101 says...


Looks cool!



Louisiana15 says...


Thank you!




It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
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