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by Clarity


silver tendrils fall from her neck,
over wrists, waist and feet;

arms raised in prayer,
lips sewn, silence.
wide eyed and pleading

-a breath hitched.

three echoes cry
whispers through the field,
stones weeping, wings beating,
quiet.

her heartbeat slows,
a gentle rhythm,
stopped.


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Fri Feb 14, 2020 4:49 am
Aley wrote a review...



Hey Clarity,

I like the poem but I really feel like I don't understand the point of it. I mean, obviously there's a point here, we've got this woman in a field, who's gone grey, or has some serious metal control, and she's praying in a field where birds are. I'm guessing the point is death, but I don't really get a sense of why that matters. For me, if this is a poem about the act of dying, then are you trying to convey the feeling of loss, or acceptance, or something else? We sort of get the feeling of acceptance since all of these words are nice and carefully pleasant aside from "stopped" but that's really the only thing leading that way.

I guess what I'm saying is that you do a good job crafting a poem that tells us this is an old person dying peacefully in a field, but I don't really have a reason to care for the character. I wish you would add more about the personality or history of the character into the poem through some internal development! That would give me a reason to care about an old woman dying in a field and scaring off birds.

Overall, imagery, punctuation, tonality, alliteration, and other poetic devices are used really well in this poem. I would like in the future to have more of a connection to the characters in the poem so I can clearly see who this person was so I care more about them. Right now, this could literally be any old woman who can stand upright with gray hair dying in a field. I want to know the specifics.

I look forward to your next one!
Aley




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Sun Sep 09, 2018 8:13 pm
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TheBlueCat wrote a review...



Heya Clarity! c: Cat here for a review on this lovely poem! I may or may not have not reviewed in quite some time, so, uh, bear with me and hopefully this will be helpful "^-^

Alrighty, so right at the start of the poem, I'm already curious as to what's going on. Great! I'm not 100% sure as to what these 'silver tendrils' are, though; sweat or water maybe? (Now assuming sweat after reading the whole poem) I do get the image of these tendrils falling off this girl and dripping down her body in the simple stanza. Personally though, I would love more imagery from a slightly longer stanza, but that's just me loving long descriptions.

The next four lines I have nothing to say about, except perfect. c:

The second to last stanza definitely has me scratching my head. I can't really grasp what is supposed to be going on here. Crying echoes that are also whispers? Stones weeping? Wings of what? Just a bit lost here.

And then <3 The ending is perfect, and ties in with the title. I now know that this is about a girl who is dying, and I'm assuming that it is painful and she wants to be released.

This is overall wonderful and very good showing, not telling (something I'm very guilty of xD). The flow and rhythm is very nice too. My only nit-pick is the funky punctuation. Yes, you don't need periods or capitalization, but sometimes it feels like the commas and semi-colons are in the wrong spot. Most of the time either one was missing (not consistent with the use of commas), or in a weird spot that I didn't want to pause at. That's just my two cents.

Wonderful poem, and I hope you keep writing!
~Cat =^-^=




Clarity says...


Thank you for the lovely review <3 I'm going to have a bit of an edit tomorrow with the punctuation because I do agree with you. The stanza that had you confused was supposed to be quite erratic, almost delirious. I'll have a think about how I can make that more apparent! It may be that one or two more stanzas are needed.



TheBlueCat says...


So glad it actually helped <3



Clarity says...


Of course it did! I appreciate the time you took to write it.



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Mon Sep 03, 2018 8:03 pm
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myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there Clarity,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.

Lips sewn, silence
I like this line but I also don't like this line. If that makes any sense. I don't know what it is about it but it feels like there's a word missing somewhere even though I know there isn't.

I think that's the only nit-pick think I have with this poem. Which is wow. That poem was very beautiful in my opinion and I really loved it. There are some overall opinions that I have but they're minor.

1) The lack of punctuation: I like the poem, I like the feel and the beat of the poem. However I didn't particularly like the lack of punctuation from the poem. I know that you have quiet a few commas here and there but I really wish I saw some form of full stop in this poem.

2) The extra space between each line: This is more of a personal problem that I tend to find with poems, but I kind of dislike the double spaced stanzas. I feel like it would look ten times cleaner if all the lines were single spaced.

3) Finally, the capitalization of the piece: I noticed that in the first two stanzas, every single line was capitalized and then in the rest of the poem they weren't. Is there a reason to this? Is it significant to the poem? The reason I'm asking is because it seems just a tad bit odd for only two stanzas out of the entire piece to be capitalized.

Other then that I don't see much else to comment on. Good job. If you have any questions please feel free to leave them and I will try to answer to the best of my abilities. Good luck and continue writing.




Clarity says...


Thanks for the review! :)
The extra spacing isn't supposed to be there I just had issues trying to post it how I actually wanted... I'm gonna try and change that. Also, there's supposed to be no capitalisation! I just missed that with the auto-caps.

thanks again!



myjaspercat says...


Of course I'm glad to have helped. For the extra spacing issue, have you tried adding a new line with "shift enter"? That typically gets rid of the double spaced lines, or at least it has in my experience.



Clarity says...


That's exactly what I just did haha, thanks :)




You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer