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The Lost Dragon 4.3

by soundofmind


Chapter 4 Part 3: Momma Worm

Clandestine crawled along the side of the tunnel walls in silence, taking quiet, shallow breaths. It was empty for a while. After their first run-in with the worm, and the goblins, it felt eerily silent, and she was anxious for something to happen soon. She glanced back at Matt, just to see how he was doing... but the look he gave her was hard to read. Mostly, because it was barely a look at all. He just looked... blank. She had to assume that meant he was okay, or something, not that there was any turning back from where they already were.

After a few more minutes of trudging on, the silence was broken by the rising of distant chatter. Goblin chatter, of course. A smile grew on Clandestine's face and excitement rose in her chest as she motioned back at Matt for them to stay quiet, and get low. Her hand rested on the hilt of her sword at her side, and she inched forward slowly until they could see the opening of the tunnel up ahead. Or, rather, that it opened up into what looked like a much larger area - the equivalent of a large room dug out underground.

There was a greater light up ahead, and as she laid on the floor and got as close as she dared to without being seen, she finally saw the source.

The room itself looked like it was the length and width of a house, and she was only able to see so far in because of the massive bonfire in the middle of it. The flames rose high up to what looked like a small tunnel just above it that she could only assume was there to serve as some kind of ventilation. Which made her wonder why they hadn't seen smoke coming out any holes up top before, or if she had only not seen it because she hadn't looked for it. Because, after all, she wouldn't have thought to look for it. She had no reason to. Though in hindsight, it did make sense that they'd need to light up the place somehow. She'd just never thought of anything remotely this elaborate. Especially not coming from goblins.

Around the fire, there were a few dozen little tents set up, which seemed kind of pointless in lieu of them being underground and away from the weather, but at least made sense organizationally. She could see a few goblins coming out of said tents and coming to stand around the fire, where a more wrinkly, older looking goblin stood, acting something like a leader. There were more words exchanged between them, but she couldn't understand with them being so far away. That, and she didn't speak goblin.

Then they surprised her.

The group of goblins, which only totalled to seven, stood around the fire and started making strange waving motions with their hands. But they weren't just random motions. They were intentional. They were moving the flames and making them dance.

The goblins were using magic. Fire magic.

As the fire curved, and swayed, Clandestine was starting to figure out it was a pattern. A very pretty pattern, that would've been mesmerizing if she wasn't so confused about its purpose, and wasn't interrupted by another now somewhat familiar sensation of the ground around them shaking.

Her heart began to race. The shaking felt further away at first as if the worm was travelling towards the goblins. But very quickly she felt it coming closer to them, and she began to panic. This didn't feel like the shaking from the little worm they saw before. This was bigger.

She stood up abruptly, grabbing Matt by the collar and pulling him up in one swift movement, ready to run. But she didn't get the chance.

The ground gave way beneath them and they fell into the queen worm's mouth. As it's floppy flesh petals enclosed around them, it felt like she was getting stabbed by a million tiny, tiny daggers. Matt yelped. Clandestine yelled. And then they were travelling downward, backward, into the ground where the worm had come from, too fast for her to figure out which way was up anymore.

They burst through a thin layer of earth with a powerful push upward. Clandestine could already feel the dizziness as her arms hung down, following the flow of gravity. The worm was holding them upside-down. Or... sort of. At an angle.

As the cloud of dirt that'd erupted around them began to settle, Clandestine could finally make out where they were. They were right in front of that big bonfire, and the goblins were all lined up, looking right at them. The worm had delivered her and Matt right to them.

Clandestine tilted her head a little to try and look at them more right-side up and gave them a forced smile.

"Wow, uh, did you guys train these worms to do that?" she asked nervously, pointing up to the worm's mouth at her waist. For the few seconds that passed, she made eye contact with the older goblin, who stared back, mostly looking angry. It was only after the awkwardly long pause that it finally occurred to her, they probably didn't understand what she said. They did, after all, speak goblin. She blinked, and in a fumble of syllables tried to emulate a phrase she'd heard uttered in their language and tried to remember for moments like this.

"Uhh, I mean, OOG, GRAHG, UHK BAAR!" She smiled again, this time more nervously. They didn't look impressed. They looked offended. Oh no. I probably said something offensive.

"We speak your tongue, human," the older goblin finally replied, emphasizing every word.

"Oh." Clandestine didn't really know what to do with that. She didn't know goblins spoke the common tongue that well. There was another awkward pause. Clandestine could feel the blood rushing to her head.

"Okay then... can you ask it to put us down?" Matt asked, finally saying something. Clandestine looked over at him, feeling horrible that, for a moment, she basically forgot he existed. It had just been her, the worm, and the goblins. She looked at him with a frown, when she realized that his arms were stuck inside the worm's mouth while hers were freed. His arm was already hurt. That definitely wasn't good.

"No," was the old goblin's sharp reply. "You're intruders."

"Okay but what if we ended up here by accident?" Clandestine posed.

"And - forgive me for asking but - aren't you guys the intruders?" Matt corrected.

The old goblin looked miffed at the suggestion. Clandestine noticed that most of the others were watching for his reactions and mirroring it, apart from two of them. She wondered if they all spoke the common tongue.

"No. It is our mission to commandeer this land. That is all it is," the goblin explained, pounding a fist into his palm.

"Why didn't you just attack Laura and Kaleb then?" Clandestine asked, knowing her question could possibly sound like a suggestion she would want to avoid, but it did seem the simpler solution as opposed to... whatever these guys were doing.

"That is not our way," the goblin replied, insistent. Clandestine furrowed her brows.

"Then what is your way?"

The goblin's greying brows furrowed back as he stared into Clandestine's eyes. "The plan is to drive out humans. Make land barren, and bear no fruit." His yellow eyes squinted at her. "Worms destroy crops, over time."

Clandestine was still getting used to goblins speaking a language she could understand. But their plan, she understood. To an extent. It sounded like... they were going for long-term occupation of the land and trying for a slow take-over. Worms were... a creative way to ruin the crops if they somehow had trained them and had control over them because as soon as Laura and Kaleb would leave, the worms would actually be able to fertilize the land in a way. If they just kind of... started over with a clean slate before planting. Not that she knew the goblins wanted the land for farming though, anyway. Clearly, she didn't know a lot of things about goblins, especially what was going on in their heads.

"But... why do it this way? This just... will take longer," was her weak reply as she tried to come up with some kind of argument to convince them to first, get the worm to put them down, and second, leave Laura and Kaleb's farm alone. But she wasn't used to... negotiating with monsters. She was used to hunting and fighting them.

"No more questions," the goblin snapped, looking like he was turning to leave. "Goblins do not answer to humans."

Matt spoke up loudly before the goblin could take a step. "But we can't just let ya'll stay here and destroy everything they have. This farm is their livelihood. It's their life. It's how they support themselves and survive."

The goblin's head shot back to them, this time glaring at Matt. "They can survive somewhere else. It is not our mission to care."

"So ya'll's mission ain't to drive them out with physical violence but other means of violence."

"It's not violence," the goblin retorted.

"But it is. They could just as easily die by slowly being deprived of their means of providing for themselves for lack of outside resources to help them start up somewhere else. If you were really trying to avoid violence you would've talked to them yourselves and offered to buy their land or give some sort of equal means of compensation, or you shouldn't have come at all."

Was that... supposed to convince them to let them go? Clandestine looked over to Matt, not really sure what he was getting at, but the goblins didn't look happy, and they were starting to back away, whispering in goblin to one another. The whispering continued for a few seconds before the older goblin hushed them up, again, barking something she didn't understand. Then one of the other goblins spoke up, though, from the looks of the others, it was out of turn. She looked at Matt with a hardened gaze.

"Chief has job to get land. Doesn't matter how he get it."

The older goblin, presumably the chief, glared at his underling, but it seemed that the one she-goblin's comment had brought an end to the conversation. It was clear that the goblins weren't open to negotiation. They had to get it for whatever higher goblin power they answered to and weren't going to budge. But she couldn't in good conscience let them destroy the Saint's farm if it wasn't theirs to begin with.

She looked over to Matt's face was starting to turn red from being upside-down, and it was then that she noticed the loss of his hat. And the fact that they'd reached an impasse. And she was scrambling to come up with an idea. She stared at the goblins, trying to focus and think of a way to not die.

"So you won't let us go," Matt said quietly.

"No," was the Chief's sole reply.

Clandestine was trying to assess herself. Her gun and her sword were out of reach, being at her hips, and her hips being in the worm's mouth. She was beginning to feel lightheaded, and the heat from the massive fire in front of them wasn't helping her clear her head...

...wait. Fire.

Clandestine blessed her sweaty head for finally coming up with an idea. She looked at the fire, blocking out the sounds of goblins talking more amongst each other as she centred all of her focus. She deliberately extended her hands. She knew she only had a few seconds before they probably figured out what was going on.

Come on. Move, you big, sparky flame. Move!

She opened her eyes, and with a pulling motion of her hands, drew it near to them like a wall of fire. The goblins immediately turned and pulled back, jumping out of the way as the gust of heat and sparks flew towards them, barely missing the worm, and barely missing her and Matt.

As the flame flew, they could feel the worm shiver in fear. The moment the goblins were out of the way, the worm opened its mouth in a quiet scream and dropped them on the ground. Clandestine didn't catch her fall. She landed in the dirt with a huff as the air got knocked out of her, and the ground beneath them shook. The worm pulled back into the ground with one swift movement, and was gone, leaving only another giant cloud of dust in its wake.

Clandestine couldn't see. She tried to push herself up, but her body was weak. That one move of magic... it drained her. It was like she'd fought all seven goblins, but all she did was throw a flame. Her arms trembled as she tried to push herself up again, and she collapsed back onto the ground with a groan. She was feeling all those little teeth bites too...

The goblins were yelling. It sounded chaotic. She couldn't tell where Matt was. Then she felt the ground beneath her start to give way, and she started sliding down. She panicked and tried to grab for something stable, feeling for an edge, or a rock around her. She thought she found one.

But then her hands slipped, and her heart jumped.


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Tue Jun 30, 2020 1:48 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And we are at the end of chapter 4,

First Impression: Clandestine uses magic. Yaaay!!. Also so that's some pretty complex plans right there by those goblins and also it seems Matt was right about the way that Clandestine would view the goblins.

Anyway getting right to it,

The room itself looked like it was the length and width of a house, and she was only able to see so far in because of the massive bonfire in the middle of it. The flames rose high up to what looked like a small tunnel just above it that she could only assume was there to serve as some kind of ventilation. Which made her wonder why they hadn't seen smoke coming out any holes up top before, or if she had only not seen it because she hadn't looked for it. Because, after all, she wouldn't have thought to look for it. She had no reason to. Though in hindsight, it did make sense that they'd need to light up the place somehow. She'd just never thought of anything remotely this elaborate. Especially not coming from goblins.


So according to this nobody found it strange that bunch of smoke was coming out of a hole in the ground. Seems really unlikely. You'd never link it to goblins but at least you'd suspect a fire or something.

The goblins were using magic. Fire magic.


Oooh very interesting development right there.

The ground gave way beneath them and they fell into the queen worm's mouth. As it's floppy flesh petals enclosed around them, it felt like she was getting stabbed by a million tiny, tiny daggers. Matt yelped. Clandestine yelled. And then they were travelling downward, backward, into the ground where the worm had come from, too fast for her to figure out which way was up anymore.


I just felt like screaming OUCH OUCH OUCH right there. OUCH

"Wow, uh, did you guys train these worms to do that?"


Great question except it never did get answered. Was that intentional?

"No. It is our mission to commandeer this land. That is all it is," the goblin explained, pounding a fist into his palm.


Wait doesn't that statement literally confirm that they are intruders? Seems like a very bad answer to that question.

Clandestine was still getting used to goblins speaking a language she could understand. But their plan, she understood. To an extent. It sounded like... they were going for long-term occupation of the land and trying for a slow take-over. Worms were... a creative way to ruin the crops if they somehow had trained them and had control over them because as soon as Laura and Kaleb would leave, the worms would actually be able to fertilize the land in a way. If they just kind of... started over with a clean slate before planting. Not that she knew the goblins wanted the land for farming though, anyway. Clearly, she didn't know a lot of things about goblins, especially what was going on in their heads.


Well this all makes for some very exciting developments.

...wait. Fire.


Now here I have to commend your little scene earlier. If we did not get that little scene earlier this would have sounded like a solution magicked up by an author who wrote themselves into a corner. So great job!

Clandestine couldn't see. She tried to push herself up, but her body was weak. That one move of magic... it drained her. It was like she'd fought all seven goblins, but all she did was throw a flame. Her arms trembled as she tried to push herself up again, and she collapsed back onto the ground with a groan. She was feeling all those little teeth bites too...

The goblins were yelling. It sounded chaotic. She couldn't tell where Matt was. Then she felt the ground beneath her start to give way, and she started sliding down. She panicked and tried to grab for something stable, feeling for an edge, or a rock around her. She thought she found one.

But then her hands slipped, and her heart jumped.


This ending is simply beautiful. It's just so amazing. Perfect cliffhanger right there.

And that's it for this one.

Overall: The plot thickened a little here. And Clandestine has let her powers be seen. I guess we can find out the consequences of that pretty soon. Also the cowboy hat is lost, perhaps the greatest tragedy of this entire of this whole chapter. I sense some very interesting developments to come in the upcoming chapters.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Jan 27, 2019 9:16 pm
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Magebird wrote a review...



Hello again~

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Chapter 4 Part 3: Momma Worm


There's always a bigger fish worm.

She glanced back at Matt, just to see how he was doing... but the look he gave her was hard to read. Mostly, because it was barely a look at all. He just looked... blank.


That's called the "Matt is done and dying on the inside" look. Don't worry, you'll get used to it. :P

The room itself looked like it was the length and width of a house, and she was only able to see so far in because of the massive bonfire in the middle of it. The flames rose high up to what looked like a small tunnel just above it that she could only assume was there to serve as some kind of ventilation. Which made her wonder why they hadn't seen smoke coming out any holes up top before, or if she had only not seen it because she hadn't looked for it. Because, after all, she wouldn't have thought to look for it. She had no reason to. Though in hindsight, it did make sense that they'd need to light up the place somehow. She'd just never thought of anything remotely this elaborate. Especially not coming from goblins.


I love the description in this part! Your story is mostly action and dialogue - which is always my cup of tea, so I don't have a problem with it. But when you do go into great detail about what a place, person or thing looks like, it really does stand out. You make this place seem important, and I love how subtly you do it.

She'd just never thought of anything remotely this elaborate. Especially not coming from goblins.


I might be confusing him with Bo, but I'm 99.99% sure that Matt might know how to speak goblin? Which would be really useful if he did, though I'm not sure how he'd explain knowing it to Clanny without breaking the whole cowboy persona.

She blinked, and in a fumble of syllables tried to emulate a phrase she'd heard uttered in their language and tried to remember for moments like this.

"Uhh, I mean, OOG, GRAHG, UHK BAAR!" She smiled again, this time more nervously. They didn't look impressed. They looked offended. Oh no. I probably said something offensive.


Nice try, Clanny, even if it didn't go as well as planned. :P

"We speak your tongue, human," the older goblin finally replied, emphasizing every word.

"Oh." Clandestine didn't really know what to do with that. She didn't know goblins spoke the common tongue that well. There was another awkward pause. Clandestine could feel the blood rushing to her head.


I love and hate moments like this in literature. They're absolutely hilarious, but then I feel secondhand embarrassment for the poor person who totally messed up at speaking a foreign language.

"No," was the old goblin's sharp reply. "You're intruders."

"Okay but what if we ended up here by accident?" Clandestine posed.

"And - forgive me for asking but - aren't you guys the intruders?" Matt corrected.


Another fun moment where Matt and Clanny are polar opposites! Clanny's trying to play things safely and avoid conflict, while Matt's just being way too sassy. I'm totally not cheering him on right now.

"No. It is our mission to commandeer this land. That is all it is," the goblin explained, pounding a fist into his palm.

"Why didn't you just attack Laura and Kaleb then?" Clandestine asked, knowing her question could possibly sound like a suggestion she would want to avoid, but it did seem the simpler solution as opposed to... whatever these guys were doing.

"That is not our way," the goblin replied, insistent. Clandestine furrowed her brows.


Sound, I really, really love how your goblins aren't the stereotypical, brainless minions that I see all the time in fiction. <3 It would be so easy to make them violent and relentless, but you don't. I just can't stop thinking about how awesome your version of goblins is!

Clandestine was still getting used to goblins speaking a language she could understand. But their plan, she understood. To an extent. It sounded like... they were going for long-term occupation of the land and trying for a slow take-over. Worms were... a creative way to ruin the crops if they somehow had trained them and had control over them because as soon as Laura and Kaleb would leave, the worms would actually be able to fertilize the land in a way. If they just kind of... started over with a clean slate before planting. Not that she knew the goblins wanted the land for farming though, anyway. Clearly, she didn't know a lot of things about goblins, especially what was going on in their heads.


These goblins are so smart and I want to love and cherish them all. <3

"But it is. They could just as easily die by slowly being deprived of their means of providing for themselves for lack of outside resources to help them start up somewhere else. If you were really trying to avoid violence you would've talked to them yourselves and offered to buy their land or give some sort of equal means of compensation, or you shouldn't have come at all."


I'm trying my best to remember Matt's past right now, but I feel like he's dealt with goblins and farms before. I love this comment for being such a smart response to what the goblins are doing, but I really love it if it's hinting at some of Matt's childhood angst.

She opened her eyes, and with a pulling motion of her hands, drew it near to them like a wall of fire. The goblins immediately turned and pulled back, jumping out of the way as the gust of heat and sparks flew towards them, barely missing the worm, and barely missing her and Matt.


I wonder if Matt saw her use her magic! I'm standing firm with my theory that he saw her use it to light the dying fire earlier, but maybe this will give them a chance to actually address her magic. <3

The goblins were yelling. It sounded chaotic. She couldn't tell where Matt was. Then she felt the ground beneath her start to give way, and she started sliding down. She panicked and tried to grab for something stable, feeling for an edge, or a rock around her. She thought she found one.

But then her hands slipped, and her heart jumped.


Well, it looks like they're falling again. :P

Overall Comments

This chapter was absolutely amazing, sound! Everything about it was incredibly entertaining, which I'm guessing is something I'll be saying a lot now that we've fallen right into the plot. I'm eager to find out what exactly is going on with the goblins, and I'm especially excited at the thought of Clanny having to chat with Matt about her magic.

I do have a critique of sorts for the overall story before I end this review. It's not about a plot hole, but it is something you might want to change when revising previous chapters. I know from our roleplays and DTWH threads that magic is far from accepted in Nye, but someone who has just read your novel alone has no way of knowing that right now. Hinting at a general hatred/fear of magic users in a place like the bar might make Clanny's attempts to hide her magic from Matt all the more suspenseful, since the reader would have a good idea of what would happen if something like that was revealed.

But, other than that, your novel is looking good! <3 I'm going to review chapters 5.1 and 5.2 and call it quits for the day, but I'm definitely going to try reading the rest of your novel in the very near future.

Image




soundofmind says...


but I'm 99.99% sure that Matt might know how to speak goblin?

LOL HE WISHES

Sound, I really, really love how your goblins aren't the stereotypical, brainless minions that I see all the time in fiction. <3 It would be so easy to make them violent and relentless, but you don't. I just can't stop thinking about how awesome your version of goblins is!

STOP FLATTERING ME!!!!!! I DON'T NEED A BIG EGO but really, thank u

I know from our roleplays and DTWH threads that magic is far from accepted in Nye, but someone who has just read your novel alone has no way of knowing that right now. Hinting at a general hatred/fear of magic users in a place like the bar might make Clanny's attempts to hide her magic from Matt all the more suspenseful, since the reader would have a good idea of what would happen if something like that was revealed.

*takes notes* mmm yes

THANK U FOR ANOTHER REVIEW



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Sun Dec 30, 2018 2:39 am
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Omnom wrote a review...



I’m on a roll! Right? Let’s jump right in :D

I genuinely wonder what Matt is thinking through this, as our last insight into his mind was how he really didn’t like the idea of going in guns blazing without a plan. Since then, we’ve gotten a lot of “Mmm”s and few word replies haha. He definitely keeps a lid on his thoughts compared to what he says, which is interesting to say the least. I cannot wait to see his personality shine through more as it seems like we’re really only getting one side of this two-to-tango situation. I get your decision to center more of these chapter parts around Clandestine’s personality because she’s just the more interesting personality. She’s also not, y’know, stifling her personality at all lol

So, the smoke thing is interesting, because I’m assuming they’re at least ten feet underground, probably closer to twenty feet. I don’t know how smoke acts regarding smoke stacks but I’m sure not a lot of smoke has actually left that tunnel, and if any did I’m sure it wouldn’t be that noticeable.

Gotta love Clandestine with the tent comment. Of course she would say that xD

I knew it! The goblins and worms were working together! Or, maybe not working together, but being controlled by the goblins? All in all, this is interesting! We get to see our first big show of magic in the story. I was also right with the goblins trying to take over the world land! But, they’re on a mission. Who is the mission from? IS IT FROM THE DRAGON? Okay now I’m sounding like a conspiracy theorist.

I like Matt’s way of persuasion, even though it confuses Clandestine. I use that all the time. I’m not sure if it has a term, but maybe reverse psychology of sorts?

I like Clandestine’s use of magic here! I like the finale to this, even though the last sentence is a little confusing. Overall, I feel like you avoided action with your decisions here. I know writing action is hard, and what you did is inventive, but I would have liked to see some action written in here, just to see how you do with it! Pushing yourself, jumping out of your comfort zone, y’know! Anyway, can’t wait to read more ^^




soundofmind says...


You: I WANT ACTION
Me, sweating: y-Yes,,, sir uh, let me just,,, harm my characters more... b-bruises... blood

I'M GLAD U LIKE MATT'S PERSUASION TECHNIQUE. That's actually James there and Not MAtt... not that clandestine would know there's a difference. BUT ANYWAYs. Yes. Clandestine goes magicky. Big fire. Boom.



Omnom says...


YES MOAR ACTION MOOOOAR xD I actually point things out action wise in my later reviews :D



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Sun Sep 16, 2018 10:29 am
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StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey @soundofmind! Firstly, I'm sorry for getting so behind, I honestly just don't know what happened, I feel like whenever I opened this I was never in Clandestine's mindset which is sad because she's just the loveliest and I enjoyed reading this so much. Also, I thought I had read this chapter and then read the next one and was completely confused. Now everything makes much more sense.

Okay!

One little nitpick:

As it's floppy flesh petals enclosed around them, it felt like she was getting stabbed by a million tiny, tiny daggers.


its, not it's ;)

I really enjoyed this chapter. I know (lol because I read it) that the next chapter is full of action so I was surprised that you described this one as action-action-action because it's surprisingly thoughtful with lots of world building and good plot stuff. I'm so intrigued. It makes me way more interested in the goblins as a group and in the conflict that's going on here - is it going to be an ongoing conflict? It seems like it's Big Plot stuff! I'm into it.

One thing I would love for you to consider about the goblins... when they first spoke, I thought that they were going to be really Shakespearean, and then it turned a bit more into broken English. I don't mind which you're going for, but I loved the idea of them speaking a sort of archaic form of English/Human, especially as you've been touching on themes about goblin culture and how they're more than people would like to believe. Doesn't have to be through the way they speak but initially that made me excited xD But! I would love to see her comment more maybe on the surprising... organisational capacity that they have. Until now, it seems like goblins are mainly considered thugs and highwaymen and Matt describes them differently, and now here's a chance for Clandestine to see a different side to them as well. The surprising elegance and beauty of the fire magic is one place to start, and the fact that they have a reasonably well put together Scorched Earth policy going on! I dig it. It doesn't have to happen in this chapter necessarily, but the idea of seeing the goblin culture go from non-existent to pretty complex and alien yet familiar through the eyes of a character is something I'm dead into. Just food for thought, rather than criticism. More just that it makes me excited and I figure you should know <3

Okay I'm off to read Chapter Five in the hopes that it'll MAKE SENSE THIS TIME AROUND xD

<3 <3

- Stella x




soundofmind says...


YO STELLA!! NO WORRIES!! but man am i always happy to see your reviews, so coming home to THREE??!??! I WAS LIKE OMG It'S MY BIRTHDAY

I'm honestly so happy you enjoyed the worldbuilding in this chapter!! And I... honestly really dig the idea of them speaking Shakespearian english as opposed to broken english? That sounds... actually more like what I would want to go for. I love that idea. Now I just have to figure out how to write in Shakesperian english lol. And oh!! It probably would be good to have Clandestine have more thoughts on their organization and all of that stuff. That's something I could definitely add in there! I think.. I might've just been afraid of clogging up the pacing with too much observation if that makes sense? But I'm sure I could make it work...

But yes! I do have future plans for goblins so this won't be the last we'll see of them! :D So I'm really glad you're excited AaaAAA <3



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hey sound! you know who's back :)

Clandestine crawled along the side of the tunnel walls in silence,


"Crawling" kind of makes it sound like she's? Walking on the wall like a spider so maybe, walking along the side of the tunnel? What about running her hands along the side, or not, if the torches are still along the wall? And if she is touching the wall to guide her, maybe to feel for anymore tremours or to reassure herself, what does it feel like? It might help throw in a little descriptor while you're at it (because we all know I love my descriptions lol)


I know it's described as eerily silent, but is there any noise? What about the torches (if they are still there) crackling, or the sound of their footsteps quiet against the ground?


You know I mentioned the crawling in the beginning but did I? Miss them getting onto the ground in the last chapter? Or am I reading it wrong? Because the "as she laid on the floor", I'm starting to wonder if I'm just missing something?


The room itself looked like it was the length and width of a house,


But what kind of house? All houses are different sizes so this is a pretty subjective description? It doesn't really give anymore insight on the size besides we can assume it's not horribly small.

She'd just never thought of anything remotely this elaborate. Especially not coming from goblins.


I already said it last chapter but I love the little details like this and seeing Clandestine's view vs. Matt's. I'm still curious about her feelings about goblins in more detail but I suppose I'm gonna have to wait (although I'm? kind of assuming she has a sort of: they're monsters, I'm a monster hunter, therefore they're my prey? But I'm curious how Matt would react to that)

Matt yelped. Clanny yelled.


Did you? mean to use Clanny here? because it's a little odd to see in the text in this spot.

The worm was holding them upside-down.


Are they hanging out of her mouth or are they in her mouth? Because it sounded like they were in her mouth before but this doesn't...really match up with that? (Although reading on I can see that she is? dangling them out like a cat that caught a mouse for it's owner lol)

"No. It is our mission to commandeer this land. That is all it is,"


my man, that's exactly what intruding is.


I know you mentioned it before but I'm going to bring back attention to the overuse of ellipses throughout this chapter because they start to lose their point after a little while.


It is not our mission to care."


omg haha yes I love this line.


This is the most we've seen Matt talk and I really how he's just, trying to handle the situation but he's not worried about being bluntly honest. It's cool to see him balancing Clandestine's monster hunting with negotiating.


MATT LOST HIS HAT OH NO D:


oH I forgot Clandestine had magic but I'm!! really excited to see it coming back!! I'm just,, I love magic haha.


worms can scream?


I really liked this chapter?? I like that it's starting to really switch gears into the action now and I'm loving it. I really like the world exploration too and getting some insight into more of it around them! I can't wait to see how this is explored more!


I think that that's all I have for today though! Great job as always, keep it up!

I hope you're having a fantastic day!! <3

Image




soundofmind says...


bless your beautiful soul

I.... agree with all ur things you pointed out lol. I realized the "crawling" bit you first quoted was confusing when I was writing it but i was just tryin to get this chapter done and was too lazy to.... fix it ha *sweats* AND I KNOW THE HOUSE descriptor is weak and vague too haha.

Did you? mean to use Clanny here?
LOL I DIDN't OOPS good catch

Although reading on I can see that she is? dangling them out like a cat that caught a mouse for it's owner lol

THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING FOR haha I'll have to clarify that sahgdlkjsdh

I know you mentioned it before but I'm going to bring back attention to the overuse of ellipses throughout this chapter because they start to lose their point after a little while.

I'M SO BAD AT IT I'M SO SORRY LOL i need to edit all those OUT UGh I'm so... eXTRA

worms can scream?

APPARENTLY YES LOL

Also I'm so happy you like??? Seeing Matt negotiate and Clandestine using magic and I'm really glad you liked this chapter aaa <3 <3



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Thu Sep 06, 2018 3:17 am
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Oxara wrote a review...



Ahhh sound I am so sorry I meant to review this the day it came out but then I just caught up in my own stuff anyway I am sorry.

But without further ado here I go
General note-
I was taken out and was confused mostly because of clunky sentences like my last nit pick. I had to re-read some places times to fully understand what you meant at every point. I still really enjoyed it each read threw and enjoyed it. it was fun, exciting with great world building. But

So I am not really sure how I can help you much anymore? all the general stuff I have said and I plan on continuing giving you nit-picks which will be more examples and just reminding you of what took me out of the story in each chapter? but most of it will be repetitive and I am trying to figure out how to help you? let me know if you have an idea of how to help you, otherwise I will try my best.


Nitpicks-

" It was empty for a while."- do you need to point this out?

"get low"- they are already crawling through the tunnel how much lower could they get?

"the equivalent of a large room dug out underground."- Is this not what it is?

"The room itself looked like it was the length and width of a house, and she was only able to see so far in because of the massive bonfire in the middle of it." A example of a weirdly phrased sentence. we don't really need to know every little scale in this world? It's not bad I just think you could put this in a easier to read way?

Thanks,
Oxara




soundofmind says...


Yo, no worries! Thanks for pointing out some of the clunky sentences you said were hard to read. And I guess, as far as further commentary goes, I'd love to hear more thoughts on the progression of the plot so far (when you have them), any working hypotheses you have, or little hints you catch that I drop that might mean more in the future. And I always love questions! They can be about anything that confuses you or even just things you'd want to know or think I should include in the next draft that would be helpful? And I also love to hear the specific things you like or thing I did well! Those are just the things I can think of right now, but hopefully, that gives you a few ideas of things to think about when reviewing?

Thanks again for the review! <3 I'm glad you're still enjoying the story!



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Mon Sep 03, 2018 2:34 am
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“From where they were sitting in the tunnel, it looked like the tunnel was a few feet above the relative floor of the big room they were looking into. ”
... I have no idea what this means... you could probably just take it out.

“It was then that they surprised her.”
There’s a lot of “th” sounds so many say “(It was) At that moment they surprised her.”

Anyways just a few things I thought I should point out:)




soundofmind says...


LOL I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT IN MY HEAD with that first part, but it does sound really???? confusing haha

AND OO i%u2019ll have to reword that %u201Cth%u201D sentence




That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon