Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General


The Stage Poem

by EagleFly


Dark light,

With sight,

Bust of songs,

With toons,

Strong

Dance movements,

Makeup statues,

Watchers sitting strait,

With there eyes glued,

To me and you,

The light site,

Of the stage.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
155 Reviews


Points: 5187
Reviews: 155

Donate
Fri Aug 10, 2018 6:46 am
Shikora wrote a review...



Hi @Tsunami here to review.

I really like this poem. It's really good. I've got a good view of the stage in my head so that's really good. But I have one or two things to point out if that is okay.

1) Dark light,
What do you mean by that?

2) With toons,
Isn't the toons supposed to be tunes?

3) Strong
this just need a coma at the end.

4) The light site,
And I'm sure you spell site like this sight.

Okay that's all from me. Over all I think this is really good. You have a lot of potential. And I look forward to read more of your works. I hope you keep on writing and never stop.

Your friend @Tsunami.




EagleFly says...


Thank you for the review. :D



User avatar
48 Reviews


Points: 4957
Reviews: 48

Donate
Mon Aug 06, 2018 11:04 pm
View Likes
Bloodlord wrote a review...



This is a very interesting poem, and I think you convey the stage well.

There are just a few ideas I have to make it a little stronger.

First, I'm not exactly sure if you were aiming for a rhyme scheme here. If you were, it doesn't seem very consistent, and after you rhymed the first two lines, the non-rhyming next few lines were a little abrupt. Maybe you can try to find some way to rhyme more or take away the rhyming altogether?

I'm not exactly sure what you meant in some of the lines. For example, "With sight" (line 2), "With toons" (line 4) [did you mean "With tunes" as in tunes of a song?], "Makeup statues" (line 7), "light site" (line 11). It seems like you are expecting the reader to read into each word more than is natural to understand your meanings, so I think simpler, more direct language would be better. Also 'strait' in line 8 should probably be 'straight'.

Also, I think you could add a little more to convey the mood of the stage and the audience. Are they waiting in nervous anticipation? Is the audience excited? How do the dancers feel? I think you could add a little more drama.

Thanks for sharing - with a few tweaks I'm sure this will be great!




EagleFly says...


Thank you for taking your time to review my work. :D :D



User avatar
105 Reviews


Points: 4417
Reviews: 105

Donate
Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:20 am
View Likes
Danni88 wrote a review...



Heyy! Danni here to review this!

BTW I recently did a dance show, so this is pretty appropriate for me! I'll also be able to give you a better perspective.

OK, let's jump straight into it and rewrite it. As usual, strikethrough for wrong things, bold for corrections, and italics for my comments.

Dark light,

With sight, I dunno what these first two lines mean. Dark light with sight... very confusing

Burst of songs,

With toons, Write this in full: cartoons. Also, how can a burst of songs be with cartoons?? Is it a song from a cartoon? Is a cartoon being projected onto the stage? I would recommend one of these, or think of your own:
Burst of songs,
From cartoons,

OR


Burst of songs,

And cartoons,


Strong

Dance movements,

Makeup statues, Eh?! I don't get what you mean...

Watchers sitting strait, straight A strait is like a stream.

With there their eyes glued,

To me and you,

The light site, Again, confusing.

Of the stage.


Okay, there were a lot of confusing sentences. If you could explain to me their meaning, I'll try and work out some alternatives, because this was pretty confusing. Also, work in some of the dancer's feelings. Are they nervous? Excited? Embarrassed? Are they scared they'll look stupid in front of the audience? Are they searching for faces they recognise?


Overall, I liked this! It was great.


Keep up the good work! I give this 2.5 dancers out of 5.




EagleFly says...


Hi there thank you for the Review it is very help fill to me. Dark light, means that all of the dancers have just come on to the stage and there getting in to there places.The light site, is like with all of the lights flickering all around you. Makeup statues, is like a saying they have got makeup on them and some of them have to stay in won passishon until it is time to move again. with toons, I think that I made a spelling mistake. I hop that this ekspland your questions a bit more. again thank you for the review.:D
@EagleFly out to seek your review



Danni88 says...


Oh, I get it now! Thanks :)




You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamot