there eyes glued,
me and you,
Hi @Tsunami here to review. I really like this poem. It's really good. I've got a good view of the stage in my head so that's really good. But I have one or two things to point out if that is okay.1) Dark light,What do you mean by that? 2) With toons,Isn't the toons supposed to be tunes?3) Strongthis just need a coma at the end. 4) The light site,And I'm sure you spell site like this sight. Okay that's all from me. Over all I think this is really good. You have a lot of potential. And I look forward to read more of your works. I hope you keep on writing and never stop. Your friend @Tsunami.
This is a very interesting poem, and I think you convey the stage well.There are just a few ideas I have to make it a little stronger.First, I'm not exactly sure if you were aiming for a rhyme scheme here. If you were, it doesn't seem very consistent, and after you rhymed the first two lines, the non-rhyming next few lines were a little abrupt. Maybe you can try to find some way to rhyme more or take away the rhyming altogether?I'm not exactly sure what you meant in some of the lines. For example, "With sight" (line 2), "With toons" (line 4) [did you mean "With tunes" as in tunes of a song?], "Makeup statues" (line 7), "light site" (line 11). It seems like you are expecting the reader to read into each word more than is natural to understand your meanings, so I think simpler, more direct language would be better. Also 'strait' in line 8 should probably be 'straight'. Also, I think you could add a little more to convey the mood of the stage and the audience. Are they waiting in nervous anticipation? Is the audience excited? How do the dancers feel? I think you could add a little more drama.Thanks for sharing - with a few tweaks I'm sure this will be great!
Heyy! Danni here to review this! BTW I recently did a dance show, so this is pretty appropriate for me! I'll also be able to give you a better perspective.OK, let's jump straight into it and rewrite it. As usual, strikethrough for wrong things, bold for corrections, and italics for my comments.
Dark light,With sight, I dunno what these first two lines mean. Dark light with sight... very confusingBurst of songs,With toons, Write this in full: cartoons. Also, how can a burst of songs be with cartoons?? Is it a song from a cartoon? Is a cartoon being projected onto the stage? I would recommend one of these, or think of your own: Burst of songs, From cartoons, ORBurst of songs, And cartoons,StrongDance movements, Makeup statues, Eh?! I don't get what you mean...Watchers sitting strait, straight A strait is like a stream.With there their eyes glued, To me and you,The light site, Again, confusing.Of the stage.
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