Ayy, sorry I took way to long to get to this, especially after bugging you to post it. My bad.
My style of reviewing nowadays mainly consists of me giving my impressions, and leaving you do decide if they were the impressions you wanted to give off or not.
So a lot of what I'm saying is good or bad depending on your intent
I'm liking the dynamic between Chun and Sivera- Chun being a powerful, arrogant brat and Sivera being his annoyed, presumably more responsible companion.
I'd like to get a better idea of what Sivera's personality is outside of her dynamic with Chun.
Speaking of those two, Chun got mad at her for revealing her name was Sivera, after he had already called her Sivera in front of the guards.
Is this deliberate? A demonstration of how flighty Chun can be? If it's not deliberate, you might wanna fix that.
(I'm assuming Chun is an alias, cos if he insisted Sivera use an alias but didn't use one himself, that'd be really hypocritical.)
They must be planning to do something really big, seeing as murder is something that people really notice, and it draws a lot of attention.
If they're willing to kill some guards who were just doing their jobs just to keep their identities protected, that means that whatever they're about to do is so drastically illegal that a death or two on top of it wouldn't mean that much.
Though I'm getting the impression that while Chun is the especially impulsive one, Sivera doesn't think things through too much either. Filling in the forms with fake identity information would have caused less attention than refusing to fill it in at all. She doesn't seem to care about preserving her identity at all. This gives me the impression that not much pre-planning went into this, as they could have hid their identities much better if they had discussed this beforehand. Or maybe they did do pre-planning, but this was the one aspect they didn't discuss. Either way, Sivera may be more mature than Chun by comparison, but she has a degree of impulsiveness to her as well.
That's not a bad thing. Impulsiveness is a flaw that lends well to writing, cos there's no end of scenarios it can lead to. In fact, it's one of the most dramatically lucrative flaws there is.
I feel like you have improved since the last draft of this. There was practically no filler, and I didn't find myself wanting to skim anything. So you're getting better at making things tight.
I'll try to keep the technical complaints to a minimum, as that's my least favourite part of critiquing. Your tenses are a bit messy. It feels as though you're trying to do about three different styles of narration when you might be better off to just pick one and commit.
I'll show an example to explain what I mean.
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What makes you think I’ll remember it, then?!
Well I mean, I do remember it, but you don’t know that. Logically speaking, you shouldn’t have any reason to ask me to do this...'
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As if I’d be expected to just say that.
You mean to tell me that one of the most powerful Mage-knights in the world is this little loli?
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You can totally have thoughts like this in first person narration, but when you continue the train of thought even after you've left the italic format it just makes me wonder why you didn't just do that whole section in italics, or just not do the italics thing at all.
The whole style of internal narration is just confusing.
It doesn't help that there's also a few points where the tense slips up, but that will be an easier fix than the narration, so that's not so bad.
But here's an example of where it did work.
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Hatriv, please take me away from this place right now.
I try my best to hide my frustration and I turn towards Sivera.
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In this case it works just fine because the thought is followed by emotion and action, not another thought.
Right, time to say the nice things. Overall, I'm liking that structure. It's got a nice pace of progression, there's nothing there that slows it down, and it ends abruptly at just the right point to create some excitement for what's to come.
I'm interested in seeing what this mission of theirs was, so I'll stick around for the next installment if you end up posting one.
I hope this was helpful, see you around.
Points: 1373
Reviews: 59
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