z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

The Risen - chapter five

by elysian


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Sebastian

The sky was a splatter painting of reds, golds, and blues as the sun cracked over the horizon. Everyone was still asleep except me and Xander, and even Xander didn't look too good himself.

"Do you want me to take over?" I sat up straighter, rubbing my eyes.

"That's okay, it's only another 30 minutes." He was slouching band with his eyes barely open, one hand on the wheel and one hand out the window.

"I'll stay up in case," I replied, scratching the back of my head. I looked back at the backseat, everyone was out cold. Archie was asleep on Aileen's shoulder, his mouth open. Aileen's head was resting on the window, bumping every so often when the road got rough.

Next to her was Indiana, who was cuddled up on Kaydence's lap. Kaydence was also asleep, her hand tangled in Indie's hair as if she was stroking through it when she fell asleep. Her mouth barely hung open as she breathed deeply and slowly; peacefully.

"Why do you fight it?" Xander said suddenly.

"Fight what?"

"Your feelings."

"I don't know what you mean, my feelings for what?"

"For whom, rather," he chuckled.

"I don't have feelings for anyone. Get out of my head Xan, you know I hate when you do that."

"Okay, Okay. I'll lay off. You really should stop denying what you feel," he glanced in the rearview mirror at Indie, "I sure am glad I finally did."

"I'm happy for you, man, I really am. But I don't have feelings like you do for Indie for anyone. You guys are my family, so sure I care a lot about everyone. But I'm better off staying focused on the task at hand than looking for 'love'" I sneered.

"Whatever you say, Bash."

I shook my head, looking back out at the sky. The sky was becoming progressively bluer as the sun rose, we had to be getting close. In fact, the building seemed to stretch higher and higher as we got closer to downtown New York City.

I was honestly surprised that we hadn't been in more big cities, it seemed like the perfect spot for demons to collect souls. Mostly we moved around in the more rural places. Texas was probably the hottest place we had been, so it was going to be weird going from that to the coldness of New York during the end of September.

He buildings were towering over us at this point, some reaching as many as 100 stories. Big screens flashed advertisements on what seemed to be every flat surface, and crowds of people engulfed us.

Although it was only 7 AM, the roads were already congested for miles. The lights were vibrant with the shadow of dusk still over them and my eyes started to hurt from staring in awe.

It took about another thirty minutes to get to our house, prepaid in our name. I supposed Gaderel had something to do with that.

Our new house was painted different hues of grey and white, with furniture to match. There was a wall-length window facing the mountains which made the space feel even bigger than it already was. Just before the living room when you walked in was a small kitchen that fed directly into it.

To the right of the living room, a hallway with doors to three different, plain rooms, and one small bathroom. To the left of the living room was another hallway with only two bedrooms and a laundry room.

“Kaydence and I will take the two rooms to the left, Indie and Xander can share a room, and then Archie and Aileen can take the two rooms that are left. Let’s all take a couple hours to unpack and take a quick nap to recharge, Kaydence can start on some breakfast,” I nod at her, “and after we eat, we’ll call Gaderal. Sound good?” Everyone nodded. “Okay, let’s go then.”

Kaydence and I split off to the left, and the rest to the right. I glanced over at Kaydence, studying her for a minute. She looked like hell, but before I could comment on it, she disappeared into her room.

Shaking my head, I opened my door. I threw my bag on top of the white sheets of the king sized bed, shaking out what little I had packed. I owned some black, white, and grey shirts, a few pairs of worn-out jeans, and two leather jackets. It wasn't anything luxurious, but it did the job.

I walked over to the drawer with my clothes in hand, setting them in a pile next to me on the floor. Carefully, I folded each item with sharp, clean lines, and then placed them gently into the drawers.

I hung my leather jackets in the closet, smoothing the collars. An awkward gap in between my white and grey shirts caught my attention, and I nudged the grey section until it filled the gap.

Satisfied, I decided I needed to get the weapons out of the trunk of the car before we were stuck in a situation without them. The only method that truly kills a demon is a direct wound on the heart or burning them alive, which is where my power always came in handy.

I knew the others envied me for my power, no one else's was active like mine. Although, Archie's came in handy when trying to distract our enemies long enough to throw them off their feet. So far, he had only been able to focus his power on one person at a time, which didn't help during large battles.

I had always wondered why each of us got the powers we did. They didn't seem to have much value as a whole, which makes little sense considering God gave them to us to kill demons. One would think he'd give us all active powers, but I guess that messed with the grand design of things.

I flipped the keys with the ring on my finger as I stepped outside towards the car and popped the trunk. I lifted it open, grabbing the matte black case. However, as soon as I lifted it, it fell open and jumped as if to catch the guns as they fell, but it was empty.

I panicked, searching the trunk. Nothing.

I ran back to the house, clenching my fists as I walked into the living room.

"Meeting, everyone, now!" I yelled, gritting my teeth. One by one everyone entered the living room, Kayden and Indie with confused looks on their face, Xander and Aileen with concerned faces.

"Someone has taken the guns. I know for a fact I packed them, so who took them?" I searched the room, watching them exchange looks.

Then it hit me.

"Where is Archie?" My nails dug into my palms as I took deep breaths. My muscles tensed as I pushed past Indie and Aileen towards Archie's room, which as expected, was empty. The only clue to where he had gone was an open window.

"I'm gonna strangle that boy," I sneered.

"Bash," Indie warned, "just calm down for a second."

I took a deep breath, not looking at anyone and heading out the door. I didn't know what I was going to do exactly, but I wasn't going to listen to Indie defend her brother's idiotic ideas.

Where could he have gone? I needed to find him before he did something stupid and led the demons straight to us.

I clenched my fist, starting to walk towards the woods, not really sure where I was going to find him. How could he be so stupid? He never thought about anyone but himself. Someone needed to teach him how to man up and act like he knows some sense before he messes up so bad he can't come back from it.

bang, bang, bang.

My head snapped in the direction of the noise, snarling, I stormed off towards the left. He had gone pretty far out, it had been a good five minutes of walking when I finally caught sight of his fiery orange hair.

"Archie Rose, Put. The. Gun. Down." I growled through clenched teeth. His eyes got big when he saw me, terror in his eyes. Quickly though, he regained his dignity and his eyes tightened. He put the gun beside him on the ground, smirking.

"House, now," I barked at him, my temper steadily rising the longer he was in my vision. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my fury.

As soon as I stopped shaking, I walked over and picked up the gun, feeling the weight in my hands. I only wished I could shoot some demons with it, but that would only alert them to where we are.

I shook my head, knowing it would be hypocritical, and as a leader, there was no room for playing God.

I looked around to make sure that all the guns were there, and started towards the house. Archie would have to have some sort of punishment, but what kind? I guess I could ban him from using the guns for a while, but that one was obvious and he really needed to learn a lesson.

Maybe I should scare him a bit, get it through his tiny skull how serious this was. Indie would kill me, but when had I ever cared about that?

I stopped, lowering as I heard a rustle in the bushes. I quietly racked the slide, aiming towards the bush cautiously.

The rustling got more intense my finger tightened on the trigger. My eyes squinted, watching very carefully. Suddenly, the sound ceased and a rabbit hopped out of the bush, eyeing me. I aimed, ready to shoot, but then it hit me.

I knew how to punish Archie.

I snickered to myself, closing the distance between me and the back door. When I walked in, everyone was standing around Archie whose arms were crossed in front of him. Everyone shot me cautious and worried glances as I started towards Archie.

"Kaydence, maybe you should get started on breakfast. We have enough for breakfast and maybe lunch, but we'll have to find some things for dinner later tonight." Kayden rose her eyebrow, but nodded and turned to the kitchen.

"Everyone else, finish packing. Breakfast is in thirty minutes." And with that, I went back to my room, feeling their confusion behind me.

I closed the door behind me, sighing. I stood with my hand on the doorknob for a second, looking around my new home for who knows how long.

With a couple long strides, I made it to my bed, staring at the ceiling as my eyelids got heavier. Was there such thing as car-lag?

***

knock knock.

My eyes jolted open, my muscles immediately tensing.

"Breakfast." I heard Kayden's voice and relaxed a bit. My head spun as I sat up, becoming familiar with where I was again. I rubbed my eyes, looking at the digital clock by my bed. 9:30 AM.

I threw my legs over the side of the bed, standing and looking at myself in the door length mirror by the closet. I looked rough, unshaven, and wild.

When I walked into the kitchen, everyone had already started on their breakfast. I sat in my usual head spot, across from Kaydence, who kept looking at me as if she was waiting for a ticking bomb to explode.

Maybe she had reason to be worried.

I quickly started in on the eggs, bacon, and biscuits that she had prepared, realizing at that moment that I was starved. The silence was loud, and the tension was high. One by one, we put our dishes in the sink, heading over to the couch.

"Okay, ready to call him?" I asked, and everyone nodded. Some read as nervous, some excited, some unsure. I smiled, excited to finally have something to do.

"Gaderel? We're ready to be briefed."

-

chapter word count: 2,015

total word count: 10,062


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935 Reviews


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Sun Jun 24, 2018 7:29 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey!

Shady back with another review for you (this one actually on time ;)). Let's get started...

He was slouching band with his eyes barely open


Band? Do you mean badly? Or...? I'm not 100% sure what you were going for here...

I looked back at the backseat, everyone was out cold.


But you already said that in the first paragraph... I understand this is a transition but it feels repetitive. Maybe you could eliminate the first mention of it? Just have him focus on Xander at first and then after that notice everyone else sleeping?

The sky was becoming progressively bluer as the sun rose, we had to be getting close.


I'm pretty sure that comma is supposed to be a semi-colon. The "we had to be getting close" is kinda connected to the sky getting bluer cause it means time has been passing and they've been traveling -- but it's not super clear the connection and I think a semi-colon would give it a better pause than just the comma.

I was honestly surprised that we hadn't been in more big cities, it seemed like the perfect spot for demons to collect souls.


I think this is another place where the comma doesn't quite work. With the way it's phrased I think you could also technically put another semi-colon here -- HOWEVER, I would recommend just rephrasing it so it flows better. Something like "cities, since they seemed like the perfect..." or something, you know? Add a linking word so the comma works.

It took about another thirty minutes to get to our house, prepaid in our name.


Our = plural
name = singular

You should try to get that more consistent. Our names or somebody's name. Plus how do you prepay a house? Do you mean like there was a lease in their names? I'm just not quite sure how all that would work -- how did they find the key? Did they meet with someone to let them in?

“Kaydence and I will take the two rooms to the left, Indie and Xander can share a room, and then Archie and Aileen can take the two rooms that are left. Let’s all take a couple hours to unpack and take a quick nap to recharge, Kaydence can start on some breakfast,” I nod at her, “and after we eat, we’ll call Gaderal. Sound good?” Everyone nodded. “Okay, let’s go then.”


Okay so I have a bit of a problem here because as I mentioned in previous chapters the transitions are a bit lacking. You have them in the car then you describe the house and then suddenly they're in the house. I think this would benefit if you actually wrote them walking in, and giving a bit of reactions to it.

Did Archie gawk out the giant window? Was Bash the one to explore the house or did someone else do it? Did Kaydence wander around or did she just kinda stand by the door glaring until she was told which room was hers? Give us a bit of the characters' reactions and interactions.

I walked over to the drawer with my clothes in hand,


Dresser?

Kayden rose her eyebrow


This is the wrong word here, it should be "raised" not "rose" in this context. I'm pretty sure "rose" is used in more passive settings -- such as "Kayden's eyebrows rose with surprise" or something like that. But raised is the word you want when someone is involved with the action, such as Kayden raising them intentionally.

I quickly started in on the eggs, bacon, and biscuits that she had prepared, realizing at that moment that I was starved.


Okay so this is excessively nitpicky, but how did they make a 6+ hour car drive without their bacon and biscuits spoiling? I don't imagine they'd travel well. You could of course have it being stocked in their house, but if the house has food already why is he concerned about finding enough food for their evening meal? A bit of a continuity error to think about.

~ ~ ~

Okay! Overall I enjoyed this chapter. It was a nice slow down chapter after all the action in the chapter before, but things still happened -- new place, drama with Archie and the guns. I am really confused as to what Bash's plan for Archie's punishment is, however. I assume you intentionally are keeping that as a question as motivation to keep reading, but I think you could foreshadow a bit more so that we are questioning what it'll be more than just being confused like I am now. I have legit no idea how a rabbit connects to punishing Archie.

One thing to keep in mind I noticed a bunch in this chapter is making sure you have transition words. You have quite a few comma splices, which could easily be fixed with some linking words. Just be sure that your sentences are more or less grammatically correct.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Thu Jun 21, 2018 10:43 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey, del! Congrats on 10k!

Okay enough of that. Let's get to the meat of it. Uhh, the review, anyway.


He was slouching band with his eyes barely open,


Is this supposed to be 'he's slouching bad'?

Aileen's head was resting on the window, bumping every so often when the road got rough.


I think I would prefer if this was 'bumping against it every so often' or changing bumping to jostling or something similar. Bumping just doesn't really fit this sentence without something following it ('she bumped into' 'she bumped against', does that make sense?)

But I'm better off staying focused on the task at hand than looking for 'love'" I sneered.


You're missing the comma after 'love' :) also, Xander knows what's up.

who was criticising me for having a couple deny their feelings for each other???? hmmmmmmmmmmm missy, gonna have to call you out on that one xD

The sky was becoming progressively bluer as the sun rose


Personal nitpick, I don't like 'bluer' to describe the setting. Maybe 'blue started spreading across the sky' or something fancy about it growing lighter?

In fact, the building seemed to stretch higher and higher as we got closer to downtown New York City.


*squints* is building supposed to be pluralised or am I missing the colour yellow again? Errr, metaphorically.

Texas was probably the hottest place we had been, so it was going to be weird going from that to the coldness of New York


So I might be exposing myself for forgetting, but did you mention they were in Texas beforehand? And if they weren't, you might want to cut out the 'it was going to be weird to go to the new climate after the old one'. That aside, you repeat 'going' pretty close together. (and YES I'm going to complain about 'the coldness' like 'bluer' again but I'm also very demanding for descriptions so take it as you will)

He buildings were towering over us at this point,


Well that was fast. Also, male buildings ;)

crowds of people engulfed us.


This is a weird phrase to me because they're in the car? It makes me imagine that crowds just suddenly swarm the car like bees. Maybe mention crowds on the sidewalk or something (bustling crowds ran the length of the sidewalks??)

my eyes started to hurt from staring in awe.


hm. while I like both these things individually, your eyes can't really hurt from awe, so maybe tack on 'staring in awe at all the lights/colours/etc' to make it seem less like his eyes are hurting from pure emotion.

There was a wall-length window facing the mountains


Out of curiosity because I've seen New York City but it was dark and I didn't actually go into the city, are any mountains visible? Regardless, didn't you mention them going towards the downtown area? Wouldn't they just be surrounded by...well, buildings?

Just before the living room when you walked in was a small kitchen that fed directly into it.


I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I love it.


-Did you ever write in that anyone else woke up? Because I was still under the impression everyone was sleeping when Bash announced rooms so either I'm SUPER bad and I'm so sorry or I would suggest adding that in?


two leather jackets. It wasn't anything luxurious, but it did the job.


wasn't luxurious BOY where did you get leather jackets that didn't cost your arms and legs??? I'm jealous.

I clenched my fist, starting to walk towards the woods,


just the one fist? Also, as I said before, aren't they still in New York City? Are there any forests in walking distance?

bang, bang, bang.


The first B should be capitalised.

I only wished I could shoot some demons with it, but that would only alert them to where we are.


Well, I mean. There aren't any around to shoot even if you wanted to, Bash. And Archie already made the noise for you.


-So, why did Archie run off and take all the guns? And what was he actually shooting at? I get that his personality could provoke some reckless behaviour because he 'only thinks of himself' but, uhh, how does this benefit him?


Kayden rose her eyebrow,


I could be wrong but I don't think this is the right use of 'rose', so just to be safe I would switch it to 'raised'?

knock knock


Same deal like the bangs earlier, first K should be capitalised.


Bash, I am concerned by you.


-I don't have too many closing thoughts for this chapter just because it was them moving to the new place and settling in and Archie's shenanigans (which I'm confused by but they probably make sense somewhere lol), sorry about that :(


That's all I've got for you today! I'm sorry I was feeling more sarcastic then usual but I hope there's something helpful in there. Keep up the good work <33 soon enough, you'll be at 20k! And so on :)

I hope you have a wonderful day!!




elysian says...


how could you call me out like that omg i'm sorry. AHHHH wow this chapter needs some serious work!!! I honestly don't even know how to defend this chapter because it's complete crap xD thank you for the lovely review, hope you have a good day as well!!<3 and sorry for not tagging you that won't happen again Dx



mellifera says...


lol honestly it's fine that's okay! Hey, you got it written, didn't you? That's what's important :D



elysian says...


<3




"Cowards die many times before their deaths; but the valiant will never taste of death but once."
— Julius Caesar