z

Young Writers Society



Anne's house

by TheWeirdoFromBeyond


"I'm really worried about Brooke, Liam." Said Lydia.

"It's okay, a lot of kids have imaginary friends when they are young." He assured her.

"She has never had one before, and now, when she is twelve, she creates this mystery friend!"

"We just moved here, from the other side of the country. She probably misses her old friends." 

"If you say so," she said, and switched off the light before going to bed."

A few weeks ago,

She woke up to a beautiful morning, yet couldn't feel cheerful. Most of her things had already been packed, and thus her room was pretty much empty, except for her clothes for today, the sleeping bag she had slept in, and a few other things she would need today.

She opened her window and leaned over the window sill. A cool breeze greeted her, and so did the sweet smell of strawberries. Her village grew strawberries for trade with the cities, and there wasn't a single spot in the village where one couldn't smell it. She frowned, as soon she would not be able to find this scent whenever she liked. 

She got ready for her last day at Berry High, her school. She usually cycled to school, but since her cycle was already loaded into the truck the day before, she had to walk there. She left her house for the school, even though she thought there was no point in doing so. It wouldn't make much of a difference anyway, she was leaving the town, and meeting her friends to say bye was pretty bitter.

On her way, she met Caleb, her best friend. 

"Good morning, sleepyhead," he said, as she was yawning.

"This morning is anything but good," she replied.

"Oh come on, I mean think about the bright side, you are going to Bayport, word is, it is way better than our Greenville."

"Like I care,"

"Okay, fine, I won't try to cheer you up, we have reached school anyways." He said, after which, they parted ways.

After school, she went straight home and packed the last remaining things. She then walked out the door and out the house. She did not pause, because she was scared if she did, she would not be able to leave. She hugged Caleb and somehow held back the tears in her eyes. 

"Bye, don't miss me too much," he said with a huge, mischevious grin.

"Dork," she said, with a smile at her friend's behaviour.

A week later,

She entered her new class, and when she did, everyone stopped whatever they were doing to look at her. As she sat down in a seat, the other kids whispered and pointed at her. She could make out some of them,

"Yes, that's her,"

"Her family bought Anne's house,"

"Wait, seriously?"

"I'm sure,"

"That is a stupid thing to do after what happened to..." The teacher had entered the class, and the whispering had died down.

A few days later, at midnight,

She couldn't sleep, she tossed, and turned, but couldn't get herself to sleep. She got up, and decided drinking water might help since it usually did. She got up, opened her door, and went to the kitchen to get herself a glass. As she opened the door, she heard sobbing.

"Who's there?" she asked, her voice very shaky.

"Who..." Before she could continue, a faint movement at the end of the corridor caught her eye. She somehow found the courage to walk towards that movement, and she saw a girl, or a transparent girl, crying. She seemed very young, and her eyes were puffy, and she had red marks on her wrists. She was glowing with a faint light.

"Who are you? And why are you crying?" She asked.

"I'm Anne, you?"

"I'm..." She caught herself in mid-sentence."What are you doing in my house? And why are you crying?" The mysterious girl rubbed her eyes, and her hands became clearer as they were now out of her shadows. The red marks were actually deep cuts, and the blood on them had dried. She realised that if the cuts were as deep as they looked, this girl should have been dead.

"You're..." She said, and stumbled back, away from the glowing, transparent girl.

"No, don't leave," The girl said and took a step towards her,"I just want to be friends"

"What? Friends? What do you mean?" 

"I know you, Brooke. I know everything about you. I know you don't have friends right now, people treat you horribly, just like me. We could be friends."

"I..." Brooke was freaked out, there was a ghost in her house, and it knew everything about her. But she actually considered befriending it. She had no friends, and everyone treated her like she was a ghost after all. She did not like this comparison, though.

"Okay, I will be your friend,"

A few days later, (after the conversation between Lydia and Liam has taken place)

"Brooke, where are you?" Her mother called from downstairs.

"In my room," She answered. Her mother was curious about what she was doing and went upstairs. When she opened the door, she saw Brooke sitting on one side of the chess board, and what she saw next, she couldn't believe. One of the pieces on the opposing side moved on its own. She saw that, and couldn't move. Brooke hadn't noticed her mother as she had her back towards her and played on, and again, a piece moved on its own. She screamed, and Brooke noticed her and knew that she was in trouble.

In the next few days, Lydia tried to find everything she could about the history of their house, but the internet had nothing on it. She, however, came across the term Anne's house. 

"Excuse me, do you have any book about Anne's house?" She asked the librarian.

"No, why would you want to know about Anne's house?"

"Just curious, I heard some kids talking about it today, I am new here, and I have no idea what it is." She said although she wanted to know mainly because she now lived there.

"I don't have a book, but I can tell you the story if you like,"

"Okay,"

"A short while after this town was established, and many people had also moved in, a girl named Anne committed suicide. People say she had started imagining things, and this person she had imagined had asked her to kill her step-mother. She had attempted murder, and since then everyone treated her horribly. One day, she got sick of it and slit her wrists. Ever since anyone who has moved there has either ended up in horrible conditions or has died a tragic death. Many people think Anne was never crazy, her step-mother had just framed her. People think her ghost is making everyone feel the same way she felt."

"Oh, okay, thanks for telling me the story. I should go now," She left, now knowing what she would do.

The next day, the family moved away to another place, hoping they would get rid of Anne, but she followed them. 

A few days later,

"Anne, stop it," She screamed.

"I won't," 

"Why are you being so cruel to that animal? What did it do to you?"

"Nothing, it is fun to see it suffer."

"Stop it, or we can't be friends anymore." 

"Fine, but I am warning you, you don't want to be my enemy."

A few days later,

"Wait, so now this is all my fault?" Liam shouted in the kitchen.

"Yes, if not for your stupid job offer, we would never have moved out of Greenville, and this Anne would never have even known about our existence." His wife answered, angrily.

"You were the one who was super excited to get out of there, what now?"

"But at least I did not befriend a ghost. I told you, Liam, something was wrong with Brooke, but you said it was totally normal to have an imaginary friend. Is anything which is happening now normal?"

"You..."

Brooke couldn't here more, and closed the door to her room. 

"This is all your fault," She screamed at Anne's ghost, which was hovering in her room, and threw a toy at her, which she easily dodged.

"Is it, is it really? Isn't that your fault. You were the one who said yes to friendship. What now? You just take the blame off yourself and dump it on me."

Brooke looked at the mirror and felt guilt like she never had before. She started sobbing uncontrollably.

A few days later,

"I can't believe it,"

"But, why would she?" People whispered around, as Liam and Lydia cried over their daughter's dead body, who had slit her wrist and committed suicide.


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Points: 450
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Sat Jun 23, 2018 4:32 am
GoddessGurl wrote a review...



Hey, WeirdoFromBeyond! Nafakitty did a pretty good job reviewing your story, so I'm going to elaborate on some of the things they mentioned and give you a bit more specific advice.

First of all, NafaKitty is completely correct about dialogue. If you include a dialogue tag, end the line with a comma instead of a period. If the line of dialogue is a question or an exclamation, however, you should us a question mark or (sparingly) an exclamation point instead of a comma. The first word of the dialogue tag should still be lower-case in those situations. Additionally, if there is no dialogue tag, end the dialogue with a period instead of a comma.

I agree with NafaKitty that the change in point of view isn't clarified properly. I think you need to start the first sentence after the shift with Brooke's name rather than simply "she." I don't agree that the shift is a problem, though, nor do I think you should wait. The conversation between Lydia and Liam does an excellent job of building dramatic tension before the shift back to Brooke's POV, which is the story's "home" or "default" POV.

Your task moving forward is to figure out what makes this family unique. NafaKitty is right in that the reader isn't necessarily moved to sympathy for them, so you have to make them memorable. Now, "memorable" doesn't necessarily mean "weird." The best way to make your characters feel real and important and memorable is to focus on specifics. Try picking an action to assign to each character--something Lydia does when she's nervous, something Brooke does when she's sad. It can be a nervous tick, like nail-biting, or something more complicated, like binge-eating. Just find something to make the characters feel more fully realized.

Good luck with your revisions!






Thanks for reviewing. Whenever I revise this story (not now, sort of busy with the novels I'm writing, and different competitions on YWS), I will notify all those who reviewed the first draft.



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Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:48 pm
NafaKitty wrote a review...



Hey! Just your friendly, neighborhood kitty stopping in for a review.

"I'm really worred about Brooke, Liam." Said Lydia.

The period after Liam needs to be a comma. Whenever you end dialogue with "he said", "she said", "said character", or anything along those lines the last punctuation of the dialogue needs to be a comma.

"It's okay, a lot of kids have imaginary friends when they are young." He assured her.


Again, the period after young should be a comma.

She has never had one before, and now, when she is twelve, she creates this mystery friend!"


This little bit of dialogue seems really forced to me. Maybe instead something along the lines of: "She's never had one before now! She's twelve; why create this mystery friend when she hasn't before?"

It sounds a little bit more natural.

I also think that you should add some of what Lydia is doing. Give the reader some more visuals as to what is happening.

She woke up to a beautiful morning, yet couldn't feel cheerful. Most of her things had already been packed, and thus her room was pretty much empty, except for her clothes for today, the sleeping bag she had slept in, and a few other things she would need today.


I started reading this thinking it was in Lydia's PoV. Now, I'm not so sure. I would suggest clarifying that right off the bat. If it's not in Lydia's PoV, my next suggestion would be to perhaps wait to change PoVs. I have found it's difficult for a reader to get into a story where the PoV changes so quickly.

Next, the last sentence is way too long. It should be multiple sentences. Something along the lines of: "Most of her things had already been packed, so her room was pretty much empty. The only things out were the clothes she'd be wearing that day, her sleeping bad that she'd been sleeping in, and a few other things she'd need for the day."

After school, she went straight home and packed the last remaining things.


I thought she had already packed all of her things? Is she packing the few remaining things in her house?

She then walked out the door and out the house.


This seems funny to me, the way it is worded. I don't see a reason to specify that she walked out the door and then the house. What door? Her bedroom door? The front door of the house?

She did not pause, because she was scared if she did, she would not be able to leave.


This also flows a little funny to me. Maybe try something along the lines of: "She didn't pause, because if she did she wasn't entirely sure she would be able to leave."

She hugged Caleb and somehow held back the tears in her eyes.


Wait...where did Caleb come from? I understand that he is her best friend, but why is he outside? Why not in the house with her? Did he walk to her house, did he get driven? How did he get there?

She entered her new class, and when she did, everyone stopped whatever they were doing to look at her. As she sat down in a seat, the other kids whispered and pointed at her. She could make out some of them,


Are all of the students pointing and staring at her? I've been the new kid in class, many times. That has never happened to me. This doesnt' seem like a plausible thing to have happen. I also don't really see what the point to this entire little section is. It seems like filler to me.

She couldn't sleep, she tossed, and turned, but couldn't get herself to sleep.


There doesn't need to be a comma after tossed.

She got up, and decided drinking water might help since it usually did. She got up, opened her door, and went to the kitchen to get herself a glass.


I'm confused as to how she got up twice? What does her bedroom look like? What is this girl's name? What does *she* look like? I feel like you need to have some more description in here.

"Who's there?" she asked, her voice very shaky.


This may flow better if you took out the "very".

She realized that if the cuts were as deep as they looked, this girl should have been dead.


I'm starting to think this character, even as a 12 year old, is kind of an air head. Did she think this transparent little girl was normal? Especially with her glowing?

"I know you, Brooke. I know everything about you. I know you don't have friends right now, people treat you horribly, just like me. We could be friends."


Uhm...what? How is that knowing everything about Brooke? She just said something that anyone who is any good at observing would have figured out.

The rest of the story moved SUPER fast, like out of nowhere. I don't feel sorry for this family at all, there wasn't anything done or said that makes me care for them at all. We didn't get a description of anything really.

I do like the concept of this story, it's super interesting and has a LOT of potential. I'm assuming this is a first draft, and it's not bad if it is one.

One other thing really quick that I forgot to add. You need to specify who the protagonist of your story is, the main character. It is a little confusing until the very end, honestly. I thought it was Lydia and then I'm assuming it's not. You need to use Brooke's name more often if she's the main character.






Thanks for reviewing, and yes, it is a draft.



NafaKitty says...


It's a REALLY good first draft. I think it, and you, have a lot of potential!



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Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:59 pm



This is the first short story I have posted on YWS, let me know what you guys think.





Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand