Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so this chapter comes to an end with a few expected things going down here...and well, I think it certainly leaves Gael with some very interesting things to think about here. It makes for a pretty good point to end on.

Anyway let's get right to it,

‘What do you want to do next?’ Veris asked, massaging Gael’s hand.

It was soothing. ‘I - well, I’m lost after that kiss,’ Gael said, smiling.

Veris chuckled. ‘Is that your first kiss?’

Gael blushed and nodded. ‘I didn’t really see myself kissing a guy, you know. It just seems impossible.’

Veris smiled at him, but there was no shine in his eyes. ‘I understand what you mean. About Lio and the other Naturals? I dislike Lio. I disagree with what he thinks of us.’ He sighed. ‘Sadly, only a few is like me.’

That piece of trash shouldn’t be a god, Serra hissed. This nonsense about forbidding a man to like another man or a woman to like another woman? He just loathes Wermin.

Well, these are some strong words to get things underway on this second part of the chapter. It looks like Veris isn't the biggest fan of Lio either and then Serra dropping in some proper burns there as well from her own personal experience with that particular god...well, let's see where this conversation ends up going.

Her words pulled Gael’s interest, but he decided to focus on another matter - Lio. ‘I’m sure we can fix that somehow. Young people like us don’t mind about sexuality in general. It’s really just the adults and people older than them.’

‘The adults are the ones ruling the country right now. We don’t know how much they can influence people like us. Regardless, I hope you’re right,’ Veris said, caressing Gael’s hand.

Enough with these pleasantries, Serra said. Ask him about what happened to Ilami. I’m sure she has met Veris and his friends.

‘I - I haven’t seen Ilami these few days,’ Gael said. ‘Have you any idea what she’s been up to?’

Okayyy....alright, Serra is continuing to employ here strategies despite that one almost blunder and it looks like things might work out for the goddess here depending on how Veris reacts to all of this. This should create an interesting few moments at any rate.

Veris frowned, pulling slightly away from Gael. He stared at the wall in front of them. ‘She didn’t tell you?’ he murmured. ‘Didn’t even go to you nowadays, didn’t she? I guess it’s true...’

‘What is it?’ Gael asked, grabbing Veris’s arm. ‘What are you talking about?’

Veris went to the door and peeked outside before returning to Gael. When he looked at Gael, his eyes were gloomy. ‘Ilami, she met us - Felaris, Seya, and me - the other day. She wanted our help to investigate what happened in the Restricted Area.’ He paused. ‘She didn’t want to put you in danger anymore.’

Gael frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

Hmm, so Veris is telling him all of this and it happens to be something that he doesn't know yet so we can definitely see that Ilami is not paying him much attention at all, which is a slightly extreme reaction, but definitely expected with her current state of mind. Let's see how Gael ends up responding to that.

Veris took a deep breath. ‘She didn’t want what happened in the room to be repeated again. She didn’t want Haka, Aleveri and you to take the risk with her. I... I think she can’t handle the thought of seeing you in pain. I heard about what happened to Haka...’ His voice trailed off, perhaps not wanting to continue without Gael’s permission.

‘Haka will be alright,’ Gael said firmly. He had to believe his own words because the alternative - the thought that Haka couldn’t be saved and died - would just drive him crazy. ‘I’ve been assured of that. I’m sure he’ll be back with us soon.’

Veris nodded, though he didn’t smile. ‘What are you going to do now?’

Hmm, well that's an interesting reaction, although I feel like that one ended up with Gael not thinking about Ilami's decision due to the strong emotions surrounding Haka and that whole situation...it should be quite interesting to see if he comments on the Ilami situation soon though, I feel like that won't be allowed to be ignored.

Gael closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind. Ilami had decided she didn’t want their help - his help - anymore. And while it was for a good reason, he thought it wasn’t fair. She should’ve told him about it before deciding what was best for him, for them. It was their right to choose what they wanted to do with their lives. Even if it meant putting themselves in danger.

Does this apply for the one you love? Serra said, her voice low. Perhaps you are right that you should decide what do you want to do with your live, but what if it means putting others in danger too? Are you willing to go through the same difficulty again, knowing Haka will be in a lethal peril?

Okayy...so that's a predictable reaction but then Serra coming in right away with some proper wisdom, that's actually great to see there, the goddess actually providing Gael with a bit of extra perspective to understand where Ilami is coming from when she made her decision. I think this is a really good couple of paragraphs there with some nice logic getting tossed around.

What a way to help him think. Phrased that way, Serra made it seem like he was Ilami. Gael shook his head and turned to Veris. ‘I - right now, I don’t know what to do. Recently, everything is just... unbelievable. I need time to sort things through.’ He squeezed Veris’s hand. ‘But thanks for telling me this. And for being with me right now. With Haka and Aleveri not yet appear and Ilami avoiding me, I really need some company.’

Veris smiled and rubbed the palm of Gael’s hand. ‘I’m glad I can help. If you need anything, or if you just want to see me, use your diamond.’

He went to Gael’s table and held the diamond laying on it. He took out a vial from his pocket and let a drop of red liquid fall on the stone. It sizzled before disappearing. Putting it back on the table, he sat next to Gael again.

Okayy...well it looks like a slight moment of bonding going on there as well and it is indeed a good point for Gael to be turning towards someone new with his old best friend and new best friend both currently either severely injured or avoiding him.

Veris chuckled and shook his head. ‘If you say so. Anyway, I have to go. I need to meet Felaris and Seya - don’t want them to wait for me too long. Girls can be scary if they’re in a bad mood.’

Gael smiled. ‘From what I know about Felaris, I think I know what you meant.’ He paused, searching for the words to end their conversation. ‘I - I’m sure I’ll see you soon.’

Veris smiled and gave a slight kiss that sent Gael’s mind in complete disarray before leaving the room. Silence replaced Veris’s presence, allowing Gael to be free with his thoughts. He blinked and processed what had happened. He actually kissed a guy! That was something he didn’t expect to do in a long time. Like, he was thinking perhaps when he was an adult he could’ve ventured into this kind of relationship, but it seemed like not everything happened according to his plan.

Okayy...well that ends on an interestingly sweet note but I'm gonna assume conflict has to happen here...Haka was mentioned just a couple of lines ago and surely Gael is going to feel some guilt and be in two minds about this situation...well I guess this chapter isn't over yet, so we shall see.

I was just saying that in a situation where you are not bound by anyone, it is understandable to find someone who can reciprocate your feelings. Perhaps Veris is a better lover than Haka.

‘No!’ he said, blurting out the word subconsciously. He didn’t like what Serra was saying. And he couldn’t understand the sudden guilt that fell in his stomach. Maybe what you said is right, he thought. But... my feeling on Haka... it’s hundred times stronger than mine on Veris. No one can replace him, and I don’t want anyone to. I just need to wait for Haka’s reply.

Hmm, Serra thought. For the time being, spend your time with Veris. When Haka is fully healed and able to answer your feelings, that is when your relationship with Veris is decided once and for all. If Haka does not like you back, you would stay with Veris. If he does, you would leave Veris. Is my interpretation to your thought correct?

Oh well...looks like that issue ended up being discussed right after. Its a very interesting little connundrum for Gael to consider and its very understandable that he has trouble coming up with a proper answer for it here...Serra though is really doing wonders here today guiding Gael through this mess of his thoughts neither of which are easy.

Veris is an interesting boy, for sure, Serra said with a slight cordiality. I prefer him over Haka. He has the knowledge and open-mindedness that Haka lacks.

Haka doesn’t lack open-mindedness or knowledge, Gael thought irritably. He would like it if Serra kept her opinions to herself. Impossible, of course, since she was in his head uninvited. He’s brilliant, but he doesn’t care about that that much. He’s open-minded, but he still lives around people who aren’t. You can’t exactly blame him to have some of their shallowness. I think both of them have their own strength.

Wise words, the last ones, Serra said. Was that approval in her part? It’s time for you to continue your training in blood magic if you wish to face enemies stronger than you think.

Okayy....well that makes for an interesting end. His feelings for Haka finally getting to make an appearance in a way that I'd have expected much earlier, but better late than never aand...well this one certainly leaves us with a few things to think about here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this chapter has made things very interesting here in terms of some emotional turmoil for Gael and some interesting strategic moves by Serra and possible Mrs. Venaria if my theory about Veris turns out to be correct...hmm, well let's see I suppose.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hiya, Light! Back again to review. Same drill as usual, with small grammatical corrections shown in blue.

Small Comments

‘Sadly, only a few are like me.’

Because 'a few' refers to multiple people, you have to use 'are' for plural agreement. There are some cases in English where you can use 'is' and 'are' interchangeably ('the band is/are performing later', for example), but 'a few' isn't one of them. You always have to use 'are'.

Veris frowned, pulling slightly away from Gael. He stared at the wall in front of them. ‘She didn’t tell you?’ he murmured. ‘Didn’t even go to you nowadays, didn’t she? I guess it’s true...’

I feel like this dialogue would flow better if you deleted the bold. 'She didn't tell you?' is enough by itself - the rest of the dialogue kind of just labours the point and seems a bit heavy-handed to me.

Perhaps you are right that you should decide what do you want to do with your life

With Haka and Aleveri not yet appear and Ilami avoiding me.’

Iffy expression. I'd go for something like 'With Haka and Aleveri gone and Ilami avoiding me'.

‘I... I think I haven’t read that part yet.’

This is probably a subjective point so feel free to disregard it, but I feel like this would sound more natural if the negation was in the main clause rather than the embedded one, i.e. 'I don't think I've read that part yet'. It just puts more emphasis on the negative and sounds more 'normal' to my ear, but go with whatever you prefer.

He actually kissed a guy! That was something he didn’t expect to do in a long time. Like, he was thinking perhaps when he was an adult he could’ve ventured into this kind of relationship, but it seemed like not everything happened according to his plan.

There's a few oddities and unclear parts in this passage, and I generally think that the writing is a bit overly padded here. Maybe trim it down to something like this:

He actually kissed a guy! He'd never expected to do that, at least not so soon. He'd wondered if he might venture into this kind of relationship as an adult, but never dreamt of it happening now.

Something along these lines? There's something distinctly odd about Gael referring to it as a 'plan', because it makes it seem like he's actually organised when he's going to have a relationship, even though Gael's never exercised much control over that area of his life. He's always just seemed like he was seeing how things turned out.

It is common to have feelings for more than one person.

You have feelings for someone rather than feelings on them.

Overall Thoughts

1) This is definitely stronger than the first half of the chapter. I felt that Gael and Veris's dialogue was much more natural, and the overall pacing and development of the chapter is nicely pitched. You move from topic to topic with relative ease, and even though it's one of the quieter moments in the story, it held my interest well.

2) Gael's conflict over Veris and Haka would be more interesting if you spent more time developing Gael's relationship with the former. Gael has been pining for Haka for pretty much the entire story; Veris has only really made a significant appearance in this seventeenth chapter. It's hard for me to see them as equivalent love interests in Gael's mind when one has had so much more significance. To clarify, I'm not against the conflict - it makes sense for Gael to be torn, wondering whether to opt for the person who likes him back even if he's still more in love with Haka. However, it feels a bit premature to bring the conflict in now, seeing as he and Veris still barely know each other. It feels like it would be better placed after they've become better acquainted. Maybe when Haka returns? Once Haka is back in Gael's life, he'll have to start thinking seriously about whether he wants to make a go of things with Veris or confess to Haka.

3) Generally speaking, you could be less vocal about Gael's exact feelings. I often think that you rely too much on internal monologue, having a tendency to spell out both exactly how the characters are feeling and exactly what they think of other characters. Take the penultimate paragraph, where Gael ruminates about Haka's character - it feels so wordy. It feels like you're explaining Haka's character to me so that I understand it, not like you're exploring a real person's thoughts. In short, your character relationships lack subtext. I want to be able to infer how they feel about each other, but most of the time you just tell me their opinions of each other through internal monologue. Which isn't as authentic.

Overall, though, an improvement on the last instalment. I don't know whether to trust Veris or not. If not for Mea's own suspicions, I'm not sure I'd suspect him, but the suddenness of this relationship does alarm me a little. Gael is so starved of affection that he would be very easy to manipulate. I can't think what Veris's motivation would be, though. Perhaps he is just the nice boy that Gael's been looking for...

Keep writing!
~Pan

Hey Light! Back again.

This is another great chapter. Both Gael and Veris' dialogue feels natural and in-character. I'm still slightly suspicious of Veris, but a lot less than I was last chapter because of how he tells Gael about Ilami, and he's generally just so tender towards Gael.

(On that note, the massaging of hands, etc. really made me chuckle. I think it's really natural in this scene, but I do think if they start doing it constantly it'd get old.)

Phrased that way, Serra made it seem like he was Ilami.

I think I get what you mean here, but that's not really how you would say it - you would say something like "When Serra phrased it that way, Gael could suddenly see things from Ilami's point of view." The way it is now, it sounds like you're saying he's doing the same things Ilami is doing, rather than just understanding her reasoning.

He had to believe his own words because the alternative - the thought that Haka couldn’t be saved and died - would just drive him crazy.

Because you said "died" instead of "would die," this sounds like you're implying that Haka already has died and Gael is in complete denial, which isn't the case. ("Might die" would work too.)

Veris chuckled and shook his head. ‘If you say so.

This is an interesting response - it almost sounds like Veris doesn't quite believe that Gael didn't know that. But why would he not believe Gael? Or maybe he just finds it surprising, in which case saying something like "wow, we have a lot to work on" might make more sense.

Ovearll, I think the weak point in this strong chapter is Serra. Her voice just isn't as engaging as the other two, and she doesn't feel quite so solid as a character, though that's probably partly because we don't know her as well. I think you could probably shorten her conversation with Gael at the end of the chapter - it's important, because Gael needs to process the fact that he's just sort of entered into a relationship with a person different from the one he has a crush on, but I guess it just wasn't written quite as smoothly as the first half of the chapter, because it didn't engage me as much. I think refining Serra's dialogue especially will help.

And I think that's all I've got! This is another great chapter - it's really cool to watch how much you've improved and how well-developed the story is getting. Can't wait for the next one!