Heyo!
Gonna hop right in, here.
Rana said angrily, though her voice lacked some of the venom it had at breakfast.
So, “had had” is a sin and I won't be suggesting it here, but something with that meaning would read better. I think “some of the venom it had held at breakfast”, or something similar, would flow more nicely here. It's an easy way to avoid “had had” while still achieving the slightly different tense (for lack of a better word) that it offers.
“Hey, now, come on,” Aldik said, holding his arm out.
I can't quite recall Aldik's diction in his previous appearances, but so far in this chapter he's spoken more properly? Almost uncomfortably so, like he's forcing that old noble-type speech, but that's no problem. The only issue is that here, he suddenly sounds very casual, and it conflicts with his previously formal tone of voice in this chapter.
Might be something you'd wanna check over, and decide whether to change the formal bits or adjust this to fit the other style.
I think it's mostly just the order of the words, though. “Come, now,” or “Come on, now,” sounds vaguely more formal than “Hey, now, come on,”. Minor suggestion; hope it makes sense!
Also, I love Aldik's character, but he seems very soft for a war lord, lel. He's also not as adverse to helping/hanging out with children as one might expect a big important war lord to be? But that's cool, too. He's got a soft side and it's real sweet to see. I always enjoy characters like that.
and I suspect there are more surprises waiting for you between now and your wedding.”
He's trying to convince her that a wedding isn't set in stone, so maybe go for “potential wedding” or “hypothetical wedding” here.
The door was near the left side of the room. To the right, in the center of the room, was the sitting area.
“Room” is said quite a lot in this portion and the paragraph prior to it. I can't think of many substitute words, but if you can, it might be a good idea to swap a couple instances out for them.
There were several large seats that were covered in fading pink velvet that were arranged in a ring around a low mahogany coffee table.
The double use of “that” and then describing a thing or position is kind of flow-stunting. You could try something like “There were several large seats, covered in fading pink velvet and arranged in a ring--”, or a similar such edit. Whatever strikes your fancy, but I think it would read nicer without so many “that”s. “That”s make it dull and droning.
Just behind them was an impressive brick fireplace that was currently empty in the summer heat.
The “that” here could also be dropped and replaced with a comma (would need to drop “was” as well, to keep it coherent, lel), I think. It gives the sentences a nicer flow and they're more pleasant to read.
An ugly mint colored rug covered the entire floor, mostly concealing a rough wooden floor below it as it clashed with the color scheme of the rest of the room.
I'm unclear on whether the wooden floor clashes with the color scheme, or the mint rug does. I'm guessing it's the latter, in which case I'd suggest a comma after “below it”, so that it's a bit clearer that the mint rug clashes. Otherwise, it reads like the wooden floor is clashing with the color scheme (which, if that's the case, no comma needed).
Also, minor thing, and I'm not sure if it's entirely proper, but I tend to hyphenate words when I say they're [blank] colored. So “mint-colored”, “beige-colored”, etc. Again, dunno if that's correct, but if you find it to be, it's a small fix you can apply to a couple instances here.
Scattered about the room were paintings of ancient Elstans that father viewed as hugely important, as their patriarchs of the past.
I am very bad at semi-colons, so take this with at least five grains of salt, but I think the last comma there may function better as a semi-colon? Not sure on that! But maybe--
The left wall was lined with a series of tall, narrow windows that flooded the room with the cool morning sun.
You say “cool morning sun” here, but previously described “summer heat”. This gives me contradicting senses of the weather, which isn't hugely important, but contradictions are never fun, especially in imagery. I guess it could just mean the general summer heat, as the season itself is hot, and the sun is currently cool, but I'm not sure so I thought I'd point it out--
Also, this whole scene drags on a little bit with the short paragraph after short paragraph of description for this room. It's not horrible, but you might want to cut back on it a little bit. She isn't going to be in this room for too long, is she? Even if she were, you could explore various features of it as she goes about whatever it is that she plans to do here, rather than tossing it all out right away.
It also takes quite a while to get to the piano after you mentioned that this room is where she'd find it. That doesn't flow super well? But it's a minor thing.
Rana swiftly walked across the room and nimbly sorted through the piano books in the stool next to the piano.
Second “piano” can be replaced by “it”, I think. Or you could drop the first instance of “piano” and the reader can probably infer that they're for sheet music.
The piano was much too feminine of a pursuit for Rana, and she didn’t want anyone to believe that she actually enjoyed it.
Pianos are considered feminine?! This never really occurred to me. I guess I don't associate instruments with genders a whole lot, though I could probably figure out a few such associations if you asked me to. *This is fine as it is, though, haha.
She loved getting to rip the notes from the page and toss them into the air in a beautiful melody that sang to her ears.
Oops, I took this quite literally as her tearing the pages out and throwing them about the room, haha. Maybe a slight rewording could help ensure that other readers don't make this same mistake, but I'm also currently in a mindset where I take things literally, I guess, so don't fret over this portion too much.
The music danced around her, whisking her to a faraway place, where she was the master of a beautiful land.
Second comma can be removed. The ending of this sentence sounds as though she wouldn't mind being a queen (or a queen who ruled before her husband//without one, as a regular queen in this world would probably be more of a background piece and not have much say in the rule). Given her behavior throughout the story thus far, she doesn't seem particularly interested in that role, though. Bit nit-picky, but pointing it out in case you missed it.
Maybe you could change it to “master of her own life” or something, to reflect her desire for independence and freedom, but that might not be what you want to go for either-- just a suggestion!
She started playing the song on the music in front of her
I'd swap out “music” for “sheet” for clarity(?) and to avoid the sort of awkwardness of “song on the music”. “Sheet” kind of flows better, I think.
By the time she finished playing, nearly an hour had passed and she’d gone through the entire book nearly six times.
Daaang. Short book or faster player, haha--
“No, Mama,” Rana admitted as Mama reached for the songbook.
You have “songbook” as one word here, but previously put a space between the two when Rana stowed it away in the stool. Small fix, easy fix. Single word is good.
Music composition is difficult, and you can do it better than most musicians I’ve heard.
Darrana has unlocked the Bard Class!!
”That’s why you have a mama to tell you, because I do know,” Mama said, winking at Rana.
- “winking at her” would read better, to avoid repeating Rana's name so much in this exchange.
Rana sighed, sitting down on a low couch that sat between two of the bookshelves along the wall.
Sitting on something that's sat sounds a little weird. Maybe you could go for “sitting down on a low couch, set between two--” etc etc. But this is pretty nit-picky, I admit – either way is fine.
There was something about him that was off, and it gave her an unsettled feeling.
“Unsettling” may work better, but this works as well.
And that's done.
Nice chapter! Bit slower than previous ones, what with the long room description, and not a lot happened (Aldik pep talk, piano, brief conversation with Mama), but it also wasn't as long as the last one, I don't think. You at least progressed the story somewhat, so that's good. No worries about less stuff happening here.
The characters were true to themselves for the most part. Aldik felt a little different, but he also hasn't appeared since the very beginning of chapter two? So I didn't have much time to get a feel for him. He could be totally the same, and I just haven't known him long enough to recognize his behavior as consistent or not.
Getting real sick of Rana's dad. -angriest face- Her mom seems alright, but doesn't seem to have a ton of influence in her husband's decisions, or she's just been cautious of speaking out.
Aldik is definitely my favorite character, aside from the boys (of whom I prefer Wyl, I think).
Pacing and flow were both decent, and imagery was good, if a bit dragging. Overall, another good job!
Hope this was helpful!
- Hatt
Points: 34531
Reviews: 141
Donate