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Young Writers Society



Chapter Five

by Eve


“Mariene!” I was running. Running through woods I didn't recognize. There were stinging scratches on my face.

“Kimmy!” Her voice was desperate, in pain.

“Mariene! Where are you?” I looked frantically. She had to be here, she had to!

I gripped the dripping knife tighter in my hand and charged. I heard Mariene screaming. running faster, I leapt in the air, bringing the knife down and-

I was sitting up straight in my bed. I was gagged and choked. I screamed until I realized; I had gagged myself to stop my screaming.

I untied the gagged and rested my face in my hands. It had been a week since I had gotten the necklace, which was currently burning my skin.

Craunia had finally settled on a design, the most intricate one I had ever drawn. It would be difficult to make. And we only had three days. The king had died two days ago and he was buried yesterday. The coronation was announced and my father and I had barely begun to make a crown for Craunia.

I rubbed my eyes and ignored the soft glow of my necklace. I was up before my father, and I had been for the past week. These nightmares were basically the same every night.

Craunia was visiting us again this afternoon to try on the module crown. She'd decide if she liked it, or if we should start from scratch. This was the most dangerous day in the crown making. If we failed, we could be put to death. It's a little extreme, but it is tradition. However messed up it is.

Holding the burning necklace away from me, I dressed myself and was out the door in what seemed to be a mild blizzard. I clutched my jacket tighter and ran out. I could feel my necklace shaking as I ran past the ruins, but I turned the other way and kept running. If I stopped to stare, I might get too entranced.

I burst into the shop, panting hard from running so far. I took off my coat and boots, sliding my feet into loafers made to withstand blacksmith fire.

I grabbed a chunk of copper and began to pound it out. Putting all of my stress and frustration into the blow of the hammer.

I don't know how much time passed before my father came in and helped. He tended the fire and made sure the copper was well-done before putting it into the flames. We worked quickly, using prongs to shape the metal into the elegant crown shape we wanted.

It was around noon when my father had me make the crown’s paint. I mixed oil with gold dust, making a shiny realistic gold color. My father grabbed the gems and we began to decorate; putting small diamonds and rubies on the tips of the crown, painting all over the crown.

When we decided we were done, I put it by the window to cool off and dry. My father and I collapsed on the worn out sofa.

“The most we can do now… is hope.” My father groaned.

“I'm so tired!” I mumbled

“We have about an hour before the princess arrives. You should sleep.”

“I can't. I'll just wake up as soon as I dream.” I put my head in my hands.

“Why? What do you dream about?” My father had a worried tone.

“I don't really know… knives and blood… it doesn't make sense.”

“Why does it scare you?” My father sat up.

“Mariene… she's always there, but I can't see her. It's like I know she's in danger, but I don't know why.”

My father laughed a little. “That sounds like a parent's nightmare. You're just worried about Mariene, it's completely natural.”

“Not really. I didn't ever remember the dreams until I got the necklace. I… I think the necklace is a para-human object.”

“There certainly is something… odd about that necklace. But there's no way to know if it's para-human.”

“It glowed when we were close to them, it's vibrated every time I go near the ruins. That’s not just a coincidence!”

“I'm sure you'll be fine.” My father put his hand on my shoulder. “You're human… and you're incredibly strong. It won't have any power over you if you don't let it.”

I started to speak again, but there was a knock on the door. I stretched and stood up to answer it.

“Hello again Kimandra.” Craunia stood in the doorway. “I'm sorry for being early… you are ready, right?”

“No, no. It's alright. And we are finished with the crown.”I closed the door behind her and took her coat.

My father held the crown in his hands. I could see Craunia's face light up as she saw it. A wave of relief washed over me as she smiled.

She stood in front of a mirror and I took the crown from my father and put it on her head. She looked beautiful. Even with the snow dotting her blonde hair. I was shaking with excitement at seeing it on her head.

“It'... beautifully made.” Craunia lifted it off her head. “How did you get it to be so lightweight?”

“Copper. The crown is only gold on the outside layer. Copper is stronger and lighter than pure gold.” I took the crown and gently placed it on the worktable.

“Genius.” Craunia stared at the crown. “It is fragile, I assume.”

“Not usually. Copper is unbelievably strong, but we have so many thin pieces that it could shatter if dropped.” I traced the intricate spokes tipped with diamond.

Craunia looked at me strangely. She seemed to be happy with the crown, but she was holding something back that she wanted to say.

“What's wrong? Is it the crown? Because we can change-”

“No… Just, thank you.” She seemed really emotional as she spoke, “no one's ever done something this nice for me.”

“Don't people do things for you all the time? You're the princess.” I spoke hesitantly and awkwardly.

“Not out of kindness…” she frowned. But she didn't see that what I had done wasn't really out of kindness. More like an opportunity to grow our business, but I couldn't contradict the princess.

I saw a tear stream down her cheek. She suddenly lunged and embraced me in a squeezing hug. I swallowed the urge to push her away and run out the back door and hesitantly hugged her back. She was crying and sniffling, something I was only used to Mariene doing. My father walked out of the room quietly, leaving me alone.

“Oh! I'm so glad we're friends! I read about them in old stories.” She sprang away from me, clapping her hands like a four year old. Actually, Mariene never did that. Not since she was a small baby learning to pick things up.

“Craunia…” I began to say, she looked at me with expectant eyes. I sighed. I'd never been into girly things like jewelry or dresses and frills. It's one of the reasons Mariene was so funny to me.

“I could loan you a dress for the coronation! I'll tell everyone that you made my crown!” She squealed.

I searched for words, trying to talk her down, but the phrases fit together all wrong. I took a deep breath. “I’d love nothing more than your approval on the crown. I've got my own dress that I can wear and shoes to match-”

“Are they brown?” Craunia folded her arms; pouting. Oh my lands, she was pouting! “That's all you Lelik folk have! I have a nice deep blue that would go great with your eyes!”

“I don't have blue eyes.” I told her.

“No, it's glittered with gold pebbles that do match your eyes, though.” She ranted.

“Look, craunia… I-”

“You don't… want to?” She looked at me with puppy eyes.

I stuttered, “n-no… I can't… because I need to take care of my brother and sister and my parents will never let me get out of it.” I lied.

Craunia bit her cheek, thinking. “Then… I order you as your princess, to come to the castle one hour early to get ready.” She smiled. “Let's see them get you out of that!”

Crap.


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935 Reviews


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Sun Apr 29, 2018 11:01 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Eve,

Shady here with a review for your chapter in the spirit of Review Day! My style tends to be to go through and mention specific things I notice as I'm reading, then give a general overview of my opinions at the end. Let's get started...

“Mariene!” I was running. Running through woods I didn't recognize. There were stinging scratches on my face.


This opening honestly feels like it's the middle of a scene rather than the start, and it's just a bit of an odd dynamic to jump in on. Maybe do a bit about running through the woods, and the scratches, and then later have the scream? I dunno, just play with it a bit so it doesn't feel like we are getting jumped right away.

...Wait, so it's a dream? If that's the case, I would suggest you have it all italicized -- that makes it clearer that it's not actually happening. It took me a moment to figure out how you jumped from a fight to bed. Italicizing helps readers understand what's going on.

Craunia had finally settled on a design, the most intricate one I had ever drawn. It would be difficult to make. And we only had three days. The king had died two days ago and he was buried yesterday. The coronation was announced and my father and I had barely begun to make a crown for Craunia.


This is a little info-dumpy. I don't know how to suggest to make it better, aside from possibly spreading the information out? In writing you want to "show" rather than "tell" and this is very much telling us rather than showing us.

Craunia was visiting us again this afternoon to try on the module crown.


I think you mean the "model" crown.

Holding the burning necklace away from me, I dressed myself and was out the door in what seemed to be a mild blizzard. I clutched my jacket tighter and ran out. I could feel my necklace shaking as I ran past the ruins, but I turned the other way and kept running. If I stopped to stare, I might get too entranced.


You use the word "ran" and "running" a lot in this paragraph. I suggest trying to find other word choices so your vocabulary doesn't feel worn out... sprint/hurry/rush/jogged could all also work, depending on the image you're going for.

I mixed oil with gold dust, making a shiny realistic gold color. My father grabbed the gems and we began to decorate; putting small diamonds and rubies on the tips of the crown, painting all over the crown.


This seems a bit odd. If they're making it out of copper, that means it's not the final product, right? Because a princess should have a finer crown than lousy copper. But if it's just a fake crown to see if she likes it, where did the get all these precious gems and gold dust to use on it? Seems a bit out of budget for an average blacksmith.

“Copper. The crown is only gold on the outside layer. Copper is stronger and lighter than pure gold.” I took the crown and gently placed it on the worktable.


Ahhh, makes sense. I retract my former comment. You knew what you were doing, I blabbed before I saw what was going on.

“Craunia…” I began to say, she looked at me with expectant eyes.


Okay so I jumped into this story at chapter 5, so I don't know, but my gut reaction is that you had better have an explanation for the interaction here. A common peasant would NEVER be allowed to address a princess by her first name, much less argue with her.

And the princess seems really childish and naive for someone who is royalty. I was under the impression that although pampered, princesses are supposed to be moderately well educated -- at least in comparison to commoner girls. Her foolishness seems a bit over-done, imo.

Overall, though, this was a good chapter! I enjoyed the story, and it definitely raised some questions about what's going on, which is good. Good pacing and flow as well. All in all a good chapter.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Tue Apr 24, 2018 3:54 am
EverLight wrote a review...



Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not meant to offend you hurt you or make your story seem bad or demean it, regardless of what I have stated brace yourself for impact that said . . .

1. What I liked
Okay once again I loved how real this all seems. It's well written.

2. Plot & Style
Youch! Uh oh- Not much seems to happen hear once again. And also again the time you could use for suspence is used for dialogue. You've got me intriged by the necklace but more action should go one I feel. Maybe have some ememy chase after her in pursuit of it or something.

Also I think a few lines could be edited-
“Mariene!” I was running. Running through woods I didn't recognize. There were stinging scratches on my face.

“Kimmy!” Her voice was desperate, in pain.

“Mariene! Where are you?” I looked frantically. She had to be here, she had to!

I gripped the dripping knife tighter in my hand and charged. I heard Mariene screaming. running faster, I leapt in the air, bringing the knife down and-

I was sitting up straight in my bed. I was gagged and choked. I screamed until I realized; I had gagged myself to stop my screaming.

I untied the gagged and rested my face in my hands. It had been a week since I had gotten the

First of all the use of running twice in two senteces is confusing. You could find another word for running. Racing maybe?
Also I think you should put that I was gagged and chocked into the same sentence. Just take out that I was slap a comma in place of the comma and you have it.

3. Emotion
Once again her thoughts. What is she thinking? Also what is she feeling while shes dreaming desperate to reach her friend? Also if you mention that she was concerned well by all means describe what it felt like.

4. Encouragment
This is intriging and takes me away. It seems so real. Keep it up!

5. Overall
Overall this was once again amazing and well written another hit.





In the past I would definitely say who you would find inside. Not so much today. Place is bonkers …. As is everywhere
— Greg Specter