Hey Eve,
Shady here with a review for your chapter in the spirit of Review Day! My style tends to be to go through and mention specific things I notice as I'm reading, then give a general overview of my opinions at the end. Let's get started...
“Mariene!” I was running. Running through woods I didn't recognize. There were stinging scratches on my face.
This opening honestly feels like it's the middle of a scene rather than the start, and it's just a bit of an odd dynamic to jump in on. Maybe do a bit about running through the woods, and the scratches, and then later have the scream? I dunno, just play with it a bit so it doesn't feel like we are getting jumped right away.
...Wait, so it's a dream? If that's the case, I would suggest you have it all italicized -- that makes it clearer that it's not actually happening. It took me a moment to figure out how you jumped from a fight to bed. Italicizing helps readers understand what's going on.
Craunia had finally settled on a design, the most intricate one I had ever drawn. It would be difficult to make. And we only had three days. The king had died two days ago and he was buried yesterday. The coronation was announced and my father and I had barely begun to make a crown for Craunia.
This is a little info-dumpy. I don't know how to suggest to make it better, aside from possibly spreading the information out? In writing you want to "show" rather than "tell" and this is very much telling us rather than showing us.
Craunia was visiting us again this afternoon to try on the module crown.
I think you mean the "model" crown.
Holding the burning necklace away from me, I dressed myself and was out the door in what seemed to be a mild blizzard. I clutched my jacket tighter and ran out. I could feel my necklace shaking as I ran past the ruins, but I turned the other way and kept running. If I stopped to stare, I might get too entranced.
You use the word "ran" and "running" a lot in this paragraph. I suggest trying to find other word choices so your vocabulary doesn't feel worn out... sprint/hurry/rush/jogged could all also work, depending on the image you're going for.
I mixed oil with gold dust, making a shiny realistic gold color. My father grabbed the gems and we began to decorate; putting small diamonds and rubies on the tips of the crown, painting all over the crown.
This seems a bit odd. If they're making it out of copper, that means it's not the final product, right? Because a princess should have a finer crown than lousy copper. But if it's just a fake crown to see if she likes it, where did the get all these precious gems and gold dust to use on it? Seems a bit out of budget for an average blacksmith.
“Copper. The crown is only gold on the outside layer. Copper is stronger and lighter than pure gold.” I took the crown and gently placed it on the worktable.
Ahhh, makes sense. I retract my former comment. You knew what you were doing, I blabbed before I saw what was going on.
“Craunia…” I began to say, she looked at me with expectant eyes.
Okay so I jumped into this story at chapter 5, so I don't know, but my gut reaction is that you had better have an explanation for the interaction here. A common peasant would NEVER be allowed to address a princess by her first name, much less argue with her.
And the princess seems really childish and naive for someone who is royalty. I was under the impression that although pampered, princesses are supposed to be moderately well educated -- at least in comparison to commoner girls. Her foolishness seems a bit over-done, imo.
Overall, though, this was a good chapter! I enjoyed the story, and it definitely raised some questions about what's going on, which is good. Good pacing and flow as well. All in all a good chapter.
Keep writing!
~Shady
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