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Young Writers Society



Kimandra Loval Chapter four

by Eve


“Kimmy!” I heard Mariene’s soft voice. Muffled and panicked.

“Mariene!” I screamed. I was sticky and wet. There were bodies all around me, I hardly cared. Mariene was nowhere to be seen. I then looked down at my hands. I was holding a knife, a beautiful, golden thing studded with rubies. But it was stained. The knife was covered in smooth, crimson blood.

I screamed, sitting up straight in my bed. My shirt askew and hair in a knotted mess. I rubbed my eyes and stood up. I felt the necklace and rubbed the stone.

“Ah!” I let go immediately. The stone was white-hot. “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.” The necklace was burning my neck. I ran to the bathroom, turning on the faucet, I held my necklace under the stream of water.

I looked at the amber stone. It seemed to be glittering in sunlight. But, the sun wasn't out yet. I took the necklace out of the stream and found it was no longer burning, but it was… glowing. I stared in awe as the glow pulsed to darkness.

“Kim.” My father stood in the doorway. “You're up early.”

“Yeah. I had… I had a crazy dream.” I rubbed my head.

“Huh, you usually say you don't remember them.” My father shrugged. “I'm leaving in fifteen minutes. If you want to come with me.”

He left, leaving me at a loss for words. He was right. I had never been able to remember the nightmares before… before… I brought the necklace in front of my face and whimpered. This was the last thing I needed. I splashed some water on my face, took a deep breath and robotically got dressed for a work day.

The necklace couldn't be causing these dreams. No, just a coincidence. Then why did it glow? It doesn't matter. I brushed my hair and pinned it back, trying to muffle my own thoughts.

“C’mon Kim!” My father called. “You might also want to put on an extra layer, it snowing!” I put on the fleece jacket meant for winter mornings and hurriedly met my father at the doorway.

“D’you have any new information on what the princess wants for her crown?” My father closed the door and we began crunching through the snow.

“Just that she likes nothing we designed. I have no idea what she wants.” My breath looked like smoke in the crisp air.

“That's a problem. I was going to make prototypes today.” My father rubbed his temples.

“We could make new designs… experiment. Give her a wider variety to choose from. There's got to be one idea she’ll like.” My brain began to picture new designs I could draw out.

“So… I spoke to Arron last night.” My father said guiltily.

I sighed. “What did he say to you?”

“He first begged me for your hand in marriage. He got down on his knees and everything.” My father chuckled. “I told him no, never. But-”

“But what?” I stopped walking and looked at my father right in the eye.

“But… he looked so sad about it that I said if you hadn't found another to marry you by your eighteenth birthday, he could have you.” I stood, slack-jawed at my father.

“How could you do that?” I gasped.

“You would be lonely for the rest of your life if you never married. And that boy would be too. If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for Arron. You two used to be good friends.” My father took on his 'parental tone’ as he spoke. Making it clear that what he did was his view of correct.

I groaned and continued walking. “Chances are I'll be dead by then anyway.”

“Kim… don't say that. We’ll figure this out.” My father rushed to my side. “I'm sure that-” he was cut off by the sound of metal crashing. We both turned, terrified and saw the ruins nearly filled with people… no, not people. Para-humans. I could tell by the way that some lifted up impossibly sized chunks of ancient helicraft.

“What in the lands?” My father stuttered. “Th-they're… real!” We stood, mesmerized. I felt my necklace begin to vibrate against my chest. It started to feel hot again as it slowly slipped out of my shirt. The stone began to glow blindingly.

There were distant shouts as some of the para-humans spotted my necklace.

“Let's go! We've been spotted by the guards!”

“Wait, no. Those are just civilians!”

“Is that… a necklace?”

“It can't be!”

There were many confused shouts, I could feel my father pulling at my sleeve, I could hear him telling me we needed to go.

“Come here!” I heard the para-humans shouting. I could hear their desperation, their hope that I could help them. But how?

“Kim, no!” My father screamed as I took a step towards them. “They're dangerous!” I ignored him and took another step. Everything seemed to be a blur; my father desperately trying to pull me away, me pressing onward and the para-humans’ cheers with every step I took.

Then the wirring of helicraft was heard from a distance. My necklace drooped down and stopped glowing, the para-humans began to run and scream. It was like being ripped from a lovely dream. The helicraft stopped just above them and dropped something that seemed to be smoking.

One by one, the para-humans fell to the ground and one by one, the helicraft retrieved their limp bodies with a claw.

“K-Kim?” My father took my hand. “Are you okay?”

I was shaking violently, but not with cold, not with fear. More like a desire. “Y-yes. I'm fine, or- or I will be.”

“You should take that necklace off before it happens again.”

“Believe me, I've tried. It won't come off!” I pulled the necklace as if to prove it.

“Where did you get it? I'm sure the workers there know how to take it off.”

“That… actually is a good idea. I got it at a Castle Boundary jewelry shop, close to ours.”I pulled my father in the direction.

“I’ve never heard of that one before.” My father jogged by my side.

“It's rare that we leave the Lelik. Castle Boundary isn't a safe place for common folk.”

“Right.” We were running now. Eager to get this thing off me. The streets were deserted. Not even the bakery had lights on. But we were hoping the shop would be open. It had to be.

I stopped suddenly. Staring at the empty space between two shops. The grass grew green and beautiful under the light snow. This was where the shop was.

“Where is it?” I began to panic. “Where is the shop?” I screamed.

“Kim, it's probably just somewhere else.” My father put his hand on my shoulder.

“No, no. It was here!” I looked frantically.

“Kim, are you okay?”

“No! No! It was here, I swear on my life!” I looked around, hoping blindly that I could see it.

“We have to go to the shop. We can use some of the tools to break it.” My father put his arm around me.

I was shaking with sobs. I knew that the jewelry shop was here. It was just… gone. I walked with him to our shop. As soon as we got there. My father tried to break the necklace with his hammer. Bringing it dangerously close to my face.

“Stop it!” I finally cried. “It's impossible!” I tucked the necklace into my shirt.

“It's dangerous for you to have that on.” My father put down the hammer.

“I'm going to have to live with it.” I sulked. “It's my fault for getting it. I'll live with the consequences.”

I sat down at the drawing board with tears in my eyes. I picked up the pen and began to draw.

I knew the necklace was a curse. A para-human curse. I hoped it wouldn't give me any para-human powers. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened.

And I never imagined that it could get any worse. I'd only get used to it. Life would only get better.

I was so naive.


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User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

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Sun Apr 29, 2018 11:52 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Eve!

Shady back with another review for you! I believe I reviewed chapter 5 a bit earlier, without noticing this one also sitting in the Green Room. So I'll go through now and give you a review on this chapter as well. Let's get started~

I was holding a knife, a beautiful, golden thing studded with rubies.


"Thing" feels like a kind of week word choice here. Maybe try to find a bit of a stronger word for the weapon? Blade? Something else?

Ooh, same thing again. Another dream. I maintain what I said in the last review -- make sure you italicize dreams so that people know what they're reading is a dream. I got a bit excited on this one, thinking I might be seeing what happened that caused the bad dream in the next chapter.

Also, be careful with starting numerous chapters the same way -- in this case with a dream. I think two chapters is fine, but you don't want to fall into a habit of her waking up to a nightmare. That can quickly feel trite and become a boring start if you over-use it.

“I'm leaving in fifteen minutes. If you want to come with me.”


This should be a comma rather than a period -- just a single sentence. "I'm leaving in fifteen minutes, if you want to come with me."

Not 100% sure but I think the "if you want to come with me" is a sentence fragment by itself, so you definitely need to modify it at least, even if you choose not to combine the two sentences into one.

I knew that the jewelry shop was here. It was just… gone.


Oooh, creepy. I get more and more interested in this necklace with each bit that I read. You are setting it up to be quite the interesting feature in your story. Great job!

~ ~ ~

I really like your story so far. I obviously don't fully understand all the talk about para-humans and such since I jumped into the story so late, but the necklace especially is intriguing. I'm interested to know how it affects things later on in the story.

One thing I might suggest is to slow down on the section in this chapter about the para-humans. I had a general idea of what was going on, but to be perfectly honest my mental image was pretty fuzzy and not super clear on what was going on. I think this chapter would benefit dramatically if you slowed it down a bit.

Take some time to explore her feelings more -- describe what the para-humans look like -- explain what the urge felt like that made her want to go that direction instead of listening to her Father's advice to run away. I think if you explained things a bit more they would make more sense to your reader and also help with the pacing.

I think overall your pacing was pretty decent, but it did feel rushed in places, like you were trying to get through all this action as quickly as possible. That is a feature that can easily be remedied by taking a deep breath and adding a bit more substance to the story as you're writing.

I hope this helped! Good luck on the story!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

Oh, and in the spirit of review day, have yourself a very merry bit schadenfreude ;)




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212 Reviews


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Reviews: 212

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Tue Apr 24, 2018 3:15 am
EverLight wrote a review...



Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not meant to offend you hurt you, make your story seem bad or demean it. However brace your self for impact regardless of what I have previously stated. That said . . .

1. What I liked
I liked the start of your story. And your idea. I also love your converasations. This is all in all well written.

2. Flow & Style
Okay so here are some things I noticed. First of your intro seemed a bit choppy if that makes sense. Let me show you what I mean.


Kimmy!” I heard Mariene’s soft voice. Muffled and panicked.

“Mariene!” I screamed. I was sticky and wet. There were bodies all around me, I hardly cared. Mariene was nowhere to be seen. I then looked down at my hands. I was holding a knife, a beautiful, golden thing studded with rubies. But it was stained. The knife was covered in smooth, crimson blood.

I screamed, sitting up straight in my bed. My shirt askew and hair in a knotted mess. I rubbed my eyes and stood up. I felt the necklace and rubbed the stone.

First of having a comma before muffled and panicked seems odd. Maybe traid out that word soft and insert one of those there? After that I think that comma after screamed seems useless. Not when you could say

I screamed sticky and wet, or something. Secant you mention the bodies. That doesn't seem to make sense, because you don't mention them afterwords. I think it's a bit odd how you describe the knife in different sentences. Maybe try this

I was holding a beautiful gold ruby studded knife. It was stained, and covered in smooth, crimson blood.

3. Dialogue & Emotions
I also noticed that you have an aweful lot of dialogue. Good as it is you could of had alot more action and maybe introduced a new character. Many good books I have read after all don't have that much dialogue. Even if they do something happens before the conversation. Also I think you could add her thoughts. I think it will greatly help with getting Ken to be more real. I would also reccomend describing what she felt in the dream. Was she afraid scared not affected what? Maybe you should also add what she felt seeing the knife.

3. Plot & Suspence
I'll be brutally honest here-it doesn't seem like much happened here. Okay she has that necklace and can't get it off what next? Is something else going to happen in that chapter? Does it get her into trouble?

4. Encouragment
It all seems so real. You socred on that one well. Keep on writing such good stuff.

5. Overall
Overall this was facinating. Like it was real. I enjoyed that. Maybe I'll be on the look out for more of this story.



Random avatar
Eve says...


I'm writing this out in a google doc right now, so the flow of the writing is pretty quick all at once, because my first draft had hardly any background information on Kimandra, I wanted to give her a real story



EverLight says...


I see.




Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief