Young Writers Society

That was great! You were successful in making these lines seem like lyrics for a song because honestly, I could compose the whole song even if I ain't-a musician or a singer. Overall the poem has some repetitive lines but that's probably because it is supposed to be a song so no issues on that. The poem seems about someone asking for answers from life and trying to figure out how he can survive in this weird world.

My favorite lines were-

"I am wandering to nowhere

I am falling into darkness

I am lying to my reality

I am no longer me"

Overall the lyrics are really good and easy to understand. It will surely make a good song.
Great work!

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:


When I first saw the category of Lyrics I imagined that this is a song and expect to here its melody. But since no melody is provided I will have to approach it as I would a poem although cutting it some slack because-after all, it is a song ad singing it might indeed demonstrate that repetitions and other such things are appropriate and even essential for the song to work. That having been said:

The lyrics describe a confused individual who is seeking answers. The speaker doesn’t provide the background that is causing these anxious feelings, only tells us that they are very strong and that they feel as if his or her head is in the gutter. So perhaps the speaker is saying that he feels morally degraded by the thoughts intruding on his mind. He tells us that he has changed because he is no longer himself. Tells us that there are lies involved in relation to his transformation. That his feet are imobilized rendering him unable to make progress.

Worries about fading. Perhaps fears that his former fame is slipping away? Fells that there is dishonesty by comparing life to a masquerade. Is unsure of life’s meaning. Feels that he is stupid and that his mind isn’t functioning right because it is numb. Is it from drug usage? We aren’t told. Of course a heart can’t beat normally under all the stress so it races. But based on the description the speaker’s whole life is racing towards a destination that he fears.

Very intense! The desperation came through loud and clear! Since that seems to be the poem’s purpose, to convey the desperation, then it succeeded with this reader.

suggestions

The use of punctuation would be nice. Especially in the question mark area that makes up a major part of the composition.

My head is in the gutter.... [Start a new stanza.]
--

My head is in the gutter

My mind is numb . [Starts a new stanza.]

I found the read pleasant and as a song I can imagine it working.
Of course being a musician gives me a certain feel for it that a non-musician might not have.
Let’s hear it with music!

Looking forward to reading more of your work.

This song goes incredibly deep, wow! you made me look through the eyes of you, or the person in this art. my one critique is that use use "My, my, my, my, there, there, there, there, I,I , I, I. not in that order of course but i would like to see more variation in your writing. thanks for reading this, and this was a truly good set of lyrics.

Hi, Zoomy! Raven here with a review!
So I really like the concept of the poem: Sort of grasping for an understanding of life and identity. I just think you could have done more with the idea and the structure. For one thing, I can tell that you were trying to have a refrain and a few rhymes in there ("My head is in the gutter" to "Where am I") but it doesn't quite work because the rhyming is inconsistent and the poem is just one long stanza. Personally I think this poem doesn't really need any rhymes, but that's a matter of preference and should be left up to you.

Another problem I had with this poem was the fact that there was no flow or rhythm. This works great as a sort of brainstorming session but it doesn't really seem to be a poem. As I read I felt more like I was reading a long rant rather than a poetic piece. Try to separate into stanzas and clump relevant thoughts together. For example, anytime you have a question that starts with "What", those would go well in a single starting stanza. If you want to keep the refrain that would go next. Every other stanza is where the refrain would fit in. Don't run too wild with your thoughts; keep things consistent with the poem's theme.

Overall, I think you have great ideas and wonderful potential, but you need to work more on structure and rhythm before you publish. Looking forward to seeing more of your stuff; keep up the hard work!
Sincerely,
RavenLord