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Beautiful Pain Chapter 5.

by Bellarke


Chapter Five: Hadley

“She is going to be okay, then?” I hear a sad voice asks from outside of my vivid dreams.

Nightmares. Blood. Horses. Papi telling me about a brother, and a dead father.

Papi. That‘s whos voice that that was. It was Papi.

“She will be fine, Papi.” An unfamiliar voice replies.

Who is that?? I try unsuccessfully to open my eyes.

“I don’t know.” Papi says once again, I feel him put a hand on my forehead.

“Here, let me take you to the food court.”

“No, Jade, I need to stay with my Pequeña Cierva.”

Jade? My brother Jade?

“Storm will stay with her.” Jade says again.

“I…” Papi hesitates before continuing. “Fine, but we need to be fast.”

“Good. Storm. Stay.”

“I aint a dog.” I have heard than last voice before.

Storm. That's…...Storm…..

A door closes, cutting my thoughts off.

“Sheesh. I didn't know than Asher could have family that is as pretty as this.” The voice says again, but I think he was talking about me.

“What?” I get my lips to work again.

“Uhh… You can talk now. That's good.”

“Yes, I can talk. I am not a year old.” I open my eyes finally, and I am greeted by the tiled roof, and boring beige walls of a hospital room.

“What happened?” I look around, then, I see him.

He is standing, or rather-leaning in the corner of the room, his leather jacket clad arms crossed over his muscular chest. His head was handing, his chin tucked against his chest, his long black hair falling into his eyes.

Even with his eyes hidden from view, I know who he is.

“You're Storm Black. From Stormy Roses.” I gasp out.

“And?” He lifts his head and looks me in the eye, his bright blue eyes piercing mine.

I just roll my eyes, typical rockstor dudes. Always brooding. “And how did I get here? What happened?”

“I found you on a rock. You hit your head. And me and what's his face….Joshin brought you here.” He flops down in the chair.

“Joshin?” I try to sit straighter, but my arm gives out, and I fall back down onto the pillows. “Where is he?”

“Donno. Probably in the waiting area.” He pushes his silky hair outta his face.

“Go get him.” Iboss.

“Sure thing boss. When pigs fly.”

“You wanna see a pig fly?” I feel anger bubble up inside me.

“Yes.” He fights back.

“You are about to if you don't get off your ass and go get my best friend right now. Because you we be flying out than window.” I point to the window, deadly serious.

He rolls his eyes, “Don't get an aneurysm, Child.”

“I am not a child, you stuck up-” I get cut off by the door opening.

“Hadley?”

“Joshin!” I smile, and cry at the same time.

He has a leap in his walk when he walks over to the bed, to me.

“What the hell were you doing in the woods on that old horse?” He scolds, easing himself on the bed by me.

“Honestly?” I inch closer to him.

“Yes.” He arches and eyebrow.

“I was trying to feel closer to mom.” I close my eyes.

“Ugh.” I hear Storm groan, “Just kiss already..”

“You're about to see pigs fly.” I warn.

“Try it, Princess. It would be funny to see you even get outta that bed.” He puts a hand on his hip as he stands up.

“Okay.” I throw the covers back, toss my legs over the side of the bed, easing myself to my feet. “See. Isn't that funny?”

“Lay back down, Hadley.” Joshin tries to get my to lay back down.

“No. I am fine.” I grin, victoriously at Storm. “Now you wanna be a flying pig?”

“Nope. I am fine.” He marches to the door, puts his hand on the knob, and looks at me with a wink. “Nice outfit, by the way.”

I instinctively look down at what I am wearing. I blush and try to cover myself.

All I had on was a small gown, that goes to mid thigh, and the collar dips way way down.

I childishly stick my tounge out at him.

I never thought that my favorite singer, and idol is such a stuck up jerk.

Guess I was wrong.

He just grins, and closes the door behind him.

“Jeez.” Joshin sighs from behind me.

I blush and hop into the bed again, and pull the blanket over my head.

@scarlettvee


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351 Reviews


Points: 11482
Reviews: 351

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Sun Apr 29, 2018 5:23 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, ThatGeekyGirl. I am here to provide you a review in honor of Review Day. Let’s get started, shall we?

Note: I have not read the previous chapters so this review will be based on this chapter alone. Hope that it’s okay.

Impression on Chapter:


Okay, even though this chapter is just mostly dialogue, I am unsure of how I should feel about the interaction between Hadley and the other characters. It seemed a lot just happened at once, like rushed? Maybe you can work on slowing down the story? It went from one transition to another in a matter of seconds. I usually like reading stories with a little more detail into it, but since this is mostly dialogue, I don’t have much to say about this chapter as of the plot and character development.

Nitpicks & Stuff:


There are a lot of grammar errors in this chapter that i will not mention because there are more than a few. Maybe go back and reread your work. Also, your use of adjectives are okay, but some are not needed in certain areas.

Who is that?? I try unsuccessfully to open my eyes.


This does not make sense to me. Maybe it’s the wording that’s throwing it off. I think you need to revise this, making the wording a little better.

“Go get him.” I boss.


No need to add the words ‘ I boss ‘ since she already gave an assertiveness in the dialogue already.

“You are about to if you don't get off your ass and go get my best friend right now. Because you we be flying out than window.” I point to the window, deadly serious.


You can reword that a bit better. Maybe something like: ‘ dialogue dialogue ‘ I stated as I pointed out to the window.

Overall Conclusion:


Overall, this chapter alone needs some work done. I enjoyed the dialogue between the characters, and I loved the personality in their voices but the wording and adjectives used in certain places… it makes the chapter a bit dull. It has potential, I can say that for sure. I am not saying your work is bad, but there’s always room to improve, so take this as a suggestion, not as harsh criticism. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day.

- Kanome




Bellarke says...


Thank you. And yeah, it does need alot of work, I'll give you that. And it would really make more sense to start from the beginning, because the main things happen in like chapter 2 and 4, and thank you!



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67 Reviews


Points: 1334
Reviews: 67

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Mon Apr 16, 2018 10:43 am
TheWeirdoFromBeyond wrote a review...



Hi, Prachi again.
I usually skip grammar issues because they are already mentioned in other reviews but since I am the first one writing a review I will point them out. You can edit your work to correct the mistakes if you like.

“She is going to be okay, then?” I hear a sad voice asks from outside of my vivid dreams.
Make 'asks' 'ask'.

Nightmares. Blood. Horses. Papi telling me about a brother, and a dead father.
Seperate the words with commas instead of full stops

“I found you on a rock. You hit your head. And me and what's his face….Joshin brought you here.” He flops down in the chair.
I think you meant 'name' instead of 'face'. Just edit it.

“Go get him.” Iboss.
Separate the words. I guess it's a typo.

You are about to if you don't get off your ass and go get my best friend right now. Because you we be flying out than window.” I point to the window, deadly serious.
Change 'than' into 'that' and make 'we be' into 'will be'.

“Lay back down, Hadley.” Joshin tries to get my to lay back down.
Change 'my' to 'me'

These are just for you to know and no offence in any way is meant.

Now about your story, it is really creative and I can't wait to read more.

Keep up your good work.




Bellarke says...


Thank you so much. :)




We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain