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Home » Literary works » Short Story » Realistic

12+ Violence

Coffee Shop (one)

by charlottejoness


It's kind of crazy really, how much one person can affect your life. Now, I don't want to sound cliche. I hate cliche. I just want to let you know how I feel about you. 

The first moment you walked into my parent's coffee shop, I noticed every single detail. The way the beaming light from above your head glinted the brunette strands of hair, it almost looked like an angel's halo-- except you had no wings. Instead, you were wearing a dark green coat with a black canvas backpack dripping with water droplets from the storm outside. That's why you came in, wasn't it? You wanted the warmth of the building to save you from the bitter cold rain outside. I often wish that storm hadn't arrived on that particular day- then I would have no idea who you are. You would have never walked in to my parent's coffee shop. 

It's Monday today and I'm walking to school. Monday's always suck. They suck even more when I have to walk past the bus stop at the end of my street-- today was one of those days. I bite my lip between my teeth so hard I feel my body begin to shake, 'don't look' I keep telling myself. The desire always seems to overcome me, though. I turn my head slowly and my eyes follow and I see you with her. Your hand in hers. Her head on your shoulder. Your dimples growing deeper and deeper as your smile grows further and further.  You're happy, aren't you? You love her, don't you?

Here goes, a whole week with you on my mind constantly. As soon as I sit down in my math class it shouldn't consist of you sitting on the wooden desk in front of me, facing me, touching me, kissing me. No, I should be learning about Pythagoras and circle theorems.  My imagination will one day be the death of me. I know that for a fact.

"Matt!", Leah shouts. "MATT!" I zone back into reality. My heart immediately races and my whole body becomes numb. "What is wrong with you, ever since last week you seem like you're in a different world".

I shrug and act like I have no idea what she's talking about. I know exactly what she's talking about though, it infuriates me that I can't concentrate. It's just, his eyes, his lips, his beautiful--

"I'm done." Leah announces and I watch her swing her bag onto her shoulder and storm out the classroom.

Without thinking, my fist approaches the table at high speed and blood begins to gush from my knuckles. I wish more than anything you hadn't walked into my parents coffee shop. I wish I could continue to pretend. It's almost like you're revealing my secret for me, even though we've never transferred more than a simple look. Well, in your head. Mine's a completely different story.


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Tue May 08, 2018 6:43 am
Ethereal07 says...



This is a remarkable story. It is relatable because at least one time in our lifetime we have fallen in love with someone we can not have. The story is eloquent and absolutely fantastic.




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Mon Apr 16, 2018 7:10 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said

Thanks for sharing this poem about the infatuation of this girl with this fellow who came into her parent’s store during a storm. I like how the author brings the reader into the protagonist's innermost thoughts and feelings of frustration. It's as if we are actually inside her mind listening in! The feelings of utter frustration are conveyed very well, especially after she observes that the fellow already has a girlfriend. The girl yearns but doesn’t seem to feel she has the potential of catching his attention. So she seems resigned to just having him as a fantasy, a fantasy which she would rather not have.


Suggestions

I bite my lip between my teeth [I bite my lip....] Reader knows it is between teeth.

today was one [....is one....]

It's Monday today [It’s Monday and...]

my parents coffee shop [my parents’coffee shop]

....to save you.... [....to shelter you....]

You would have never walked in to my parent's coffee shop. [This whole sentence is unnecessary since it points out the obvious.]

Very well written and look froward to reading more of your work.




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Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:55 pm
GrayButterfly wrote a review...



Hello! This is a very lovely story. I like that it's not a cheesy fairy tale romance, but rather a feeling that happens in real life. Your story described a form of jealousy and denial without flat out saying that, and I hope that you would continue to do that in the rest of your chapters.

I have noticed that you use hyphens a lot throughout this piece. I would like to point out the difference between hyphens and dashes. A hyphen is used to connect two words to make a new concept. An example would be "mid-life" or "full-time".

A dash is longer than a hyphen and there are two different kinds for different uses. The en dash, which is longer than a hyphen, ties differences in time together. The em dash, which is longer than the en dash, breaks sentences. Hopefully this link would help explain it better than me:
http://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/qan ... q0002.html

Also, when writing quotes, you don't need any punctuation outside of the parenthesis.

"Matt!", Leah shouts. "MATT!".

The extra comma is unnecessary. The same goes for the period after the exclamation mark.

Hope this helps! Keep writing :D






Thank you very much for your review, I have edited my piece now so hopefully it's a little better :)



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Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:44 pm
scarlettvee wrote a review...



Hello!

I am here to review you're story! I'm going to go over grammar corrections first, then I'll give you my overall review of the story.


It's kind of crazy, really. How much one person can affect your life

Make this one sentence, separated by a comma after "really"


The way the beaming light from above your head glinted the brunette strands of hair, almost like an angel's halo- except- you had no wings.

This sentence is structured very strangely. First of all, commas and dashes are really only used when you need to clarify or add a description, and whatever is outside the commas needs to make a complete sentence. So the reason I say this sentence is weird is because "The way the beaming light from above your head glinted the brunette strands of hair..." is not a complete sentence. Also, the em dashes before and after "except" are not used correctly. I suggest you restructure this sentence. I'm going to provide an example of how you could do this, but you don't have to use my way if you don't want to obviously.
The beaming light above your head glinted off the brunette strands of hair, and almost looked like an angel's halo--except you had no wings.



Instead, a dark green coat with a black canvas backpack dripping with water droplets from the storm outside.

This isn't a complete sentence. You need to add "you had on" before "a dark green coat"


I often wish to myself that storm hadn't arrived on that particular day- then I would have no idea who you are.

Take out "to myself" from this sentence. It's unneeded. Also, add another dash after day. When you don't have access to an em dash (because some keyboards don't and it's really stupid), you need to use two en dashes (which are the shorter ones) in place of it. So it would look like "...that particular day--then I would have no idea..."


They always suck even more when I have to walk past the bus stop at the end of my street- today was one of those days.

Take out "always" and also, remember the em dash thing. There should be two dashes after "street"


Here goes- a whole week with you on my mind constantly.

Take the dash out of this sentence. It's not needed.


My imagination will one day be the death of me- I know that for a fact.

Two dashes for the em dash


"Matt!", Leah shouts. "MATT!". I zone back into reality.

Okay, a couple things. First of all, you don't need the comma nor the period after Leah's dialogue. If dialogue ends in an exclamation mark, that is the punctuation, and you don't need to add more punctuation after that.
Second of all, this is where I got a tad confused. Wasn't this character, Matt, just at a bus stop? Why is he suddenly in school now with one of his friends? There needs to be some sort of transition from him standing at the bus stop, to being at school with his friend.

Also, start a new paragraph with "I shrug and act..." and "I'm done," Leah announces. Then once again with "without thinking." Anytime you switch between who's speaking or the topic or action, you need to start a new paragraph.


I wish more than anything you hadn't walked into my parents coffee shop- I wish I could continue to pretend.

And remember to add a second dash to this sentence as well.

Anyway, that was a really cool story, and I liked how the main character, Matt, first met/saw this person he likes at a coffee shop. I thought it was really cool and unique. I also liked your descriptions, and I could tell that Matt really did fall head over heels for this person as soon as he saw them. Good job with this story and keep up the good work!

Until next time,
K.S. Valentine






Thank you so much for taking the time to review this, I appreciate it a lot! I have edited it according to your reviews, thanks again :)




I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights