Young Writers Society

September 2018 Review Month

756 of 1250

Last Review by Rodger. You go Rodger!
Home » Literary works » Poetry » Spiritual

E - Everyone

Thy Kingdom Come

by LeutnantSchweinehund


Note:
Life's been taking an odd turn lately. Not necessarily bad. But as I plead to God for guidance, I remembered those days when I had not yet found my faith, and more so have I remembered the path that took me here. This is that path. This is how I found my faith. Though I have sinned, as we all do, I pray that God's grace may find me still.
By the way, "tears" is meant in the sense, to be torn. Not tears of sadness, for example.


Thy Kingdom Come

Hilltop high and years gone by,
and there the shepherd lost.
Twisted by words faithless, wry,
and snares of bitter frost.

Through faith of man,
Thy kingdom come.
Through precious lamb,
Thy will be done.

I have through many trials and pains,
prayed helpless by your throne.
And grace of God that severs chains,
has freed my heart of stone.

Through will of God,
let justice reign.
Through sin of man,
let there be pain.

My soul has crawled through one great waste,
and brought for faithless glares.
With grace of God, though, I am faced,
to heal my wounds and tears.

Through pain of man,
let freedom rise.
Thou shalt none damn,
to great demise.

My heart shall not be free of sin,
for God I did deceive.
Yet I hear calls, still soft and thin,
to charity receive.

For freedom praised,
He died below.
The cross was raised,
to grace bestow.

Praise the Lord, for I am saved,
a blind man a-mong sheep.
Though better blind and not enslaved,
so my faith I may keep.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 1335
Reviews: 45

Donate
Thu Jun 07, 2018 5:08 pm
Lives4Christ24 wrote a review...



Salutations, Lives4Christ24 AKA Lives is here for yet another review. I hope I don't offend anyone with my reviews. My only intent is to edify other writers by offering constructive criticism and encouragement.
I really like this poem, one of my favorite things is that you know who it's about, God. Some poems and songs are kind of vague. At !y youth group we played a game that you ha d to guess whether some lyrics were love songs or worship songs, the results were surprising. I hope to see !it's of your work in the future.






Hey thanks!

So do you think this is a love poem or a worship poem? Just curious.





As a worship one.





Then you are entirely correct! I wish I could have written it in Hebrew, but I can't really speak well enough right now, and nobody would understand it.





It's cool that you're learning Hebrew



User avatar


Points: 203
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sun Mar 18, 2018 11:10 pm
Satrena says...



I love this poem! I am trying to write a book that is interesting to the teens but also is not entirely void of God. Could I possibly use your poem, with your name on the bottom, in my book? If not I understand entierly. You are a very wonderful author, keep it up!






Well then! That's actually quite flattering!

Yes, of course. You're free to use it as you wish. I'll be glad if you do!



Satrena says...


Thank you!





Tag me when you publish it. I'm curious to see your work!



Satrena says...


ok, will do!



User avatar
30 Reviews


Points: 72
Reviews: 30

Donate
Fri Mar 16, 2018 12:59 pm
Daenyss wrote a review...



Okay, this is honestly a beautiful poem! As a Christian myself, I love how true and solid this poem is.

Now to the review part. As beautiful as this poem is, I noticed that most of it was written in a meter that connected to syllables. However, there were several lines that didn't fit this meter and threw off the flow of the poem. I went back and tried to reread the lines multiple ways, but I just couldn't make the syllables work. In the future, I would suggest maybe rereading the poem several times just to make sure the meter flows in exactly the way you want it to.

Also, sometimes your lines flow by faster than I would want. It's like you're walking through a garden and admiring the flowers, and then all of a sudden you're sprinting through it. One example of this is "Praise the Lord, for I am saved,/a blind man among sheep." The last line seems to race by, and also defy the meter. It seems that the first syllable in "among" should be stressed, but there also needs to be a way to slow down the line. I would recommend possibly taking a leaf out of Shakespeare's book and adding a hyphen there, making the line "Praise the Lord, for I am saved,/a blind man a-mong sheep." The pause created by the hyphen divides the syllables, provides a pause, and also hints at the stress of syllable required to help the meter flow.

I hope this helps a little bit, and this is just my point of view, so remember to take it with a grain of salt and maintain your style above all! Great job spreading the love of Christ to all.






Huh. True that. Now that I look at it, there are a few meter breaks indeed! I'll have to fix that, definitely. Thanks for pointing it out. I feel a tad embarrassed for not noticing that earlier!

If you look at another one of my works, "The Teal Knight," you'll see that indeed, fast pace is a problem with my work. I quite often rush these poems and make them sound too lyrical at times. Been fighting myself to make longer lines and such, but I'll be damned if it isn't hard!

I'm very much grateful for your review. Taking it all into account for some future works! God bless, my friend!



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 628
Reviews: 19

Donate
Thu Mar 15, 2018 3:14 pm
thedumbbrunette00 wrote a review...



Okay, I honestly LOVE this! It reminds me of something John Keats or other Romantic poets would write and that's beautiful! So much better than some other poetry I've read in the past!

The second stanza confuses me slightly, however, the lines "through faith of man," and "through precious lamb" seem a little out of place. Especially the "precious lamb" line. I feel as though the "through" might be the problem with the second line, because I think it would flow smoother if it was "through faith of man, his precious lamb" the his obviously being God or Jesus.

Honestly, that's it, because the rest of this poem is damn brilliant and I cannot wait to read more!

Best of Luck!

<3 Thedumbbrunette






Well that's quite flattering, actually. Thank you!

Alright, I'll look at that line and see if there's anything I could replace or change a bit. I'll play around with it. Originally, the "precious lamb" part was meant to just refer to Israelites sacrificing lambs, but the thought of the lamb representing Christ himself sounds a lot nicer!

Thank you!



User avatar
841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Donate
Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:30 am
Radrook says...



Thanks for sharing this poem concerning the Christian faith in the saving power of Christ's Ransom sacrifice which was given for the forgiveness of our sins.

Romans 4:25 ►
New International Version
He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.






Indeed. To be saved despite the crimes we've committed is quite astonishing. Baffles me to this day!



User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 156
Reviews: 17

Donate
Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:11 am
Archangel wrote a review...



In your first stanza, you said 'Shepherd lost', and Jesus is known as the Shepherd. He never lost. Yes, he was crucified, but he never lost. Also, you talk about him being twisted by the world's actions. I wouldn't say twisted. Sad, sorrowful? Yes. I'd try different wording. Moreso if you aren't talking about our Savoir and about yourself.

In the third, you talk about pleading at God's throne helpless. We are never helpless. It may seem so but that's just when we need to repent sincerely and wipe Satin's mist from our eyes.

Other than that I found it quite enjoyable and refreshing after a long day at my high school where Satin has a stronger influence on any teenager. If you wrote this with your heart, keep it up. That's what I think a true writer is: someone who writes from within.






Yes, it referred to me. I try to guide others, yet I myself am lost in heart. Or I was, at least. Before God's grace found me.



User avatar
414 Reviews


Points: 257
Reviews: 414

Donate
Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:21 am
Rascalover wrote a review...



Hey!
This poem reminds me of my own journey to faith! I really enjoyed this because, even though, it's a harder topic to talk about and has a deeper meaning, it really sounds very whimsical. I'm sorry to say I don't really have any corrections that need to be made. I really enjoy this as it is. My favorite line is, "And grace of God that severs chains,/ has freed my heart of stone."
thanks for the great read, and if you need anything else let me know!
Rascalover






Thank you. The road to faith was not an easy one, and it's still tested to this very day, but in the end, it was most definitely worth it.




Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
— Jack Sparrow