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Six Month Journey [Chapter Three]

by Kanome

A/N: This is a story theme I got from the website: Seventh Sanctum. Also, it's been a while since I started writing a new novel. I want to know about the characters, plot, setting. I want to focus working on how to make my story better with those three things. If grammar becomes an issue throughout chapters, let me know. Hope you enjoy!

Yusse Moe

I can’t believe this pipsqueak called me a freak. I guess this is what happens when I try to be nice to people. I never liked royals to begin with, but I’m doing this for the money. I looked up at the sky, noticing grey clouds hovering over the sun. It must be getting ready to rain. I looked over at Fili, who seemed to be down for some reason, but I don’t really care much for it.

“It’s about to rain. We are going to set up camp soon.” Fili nodded at me. What the heck is her issue? Ah. Why am I getting worried over a runt like her? I motioned the horse to slow down in front of a nearby cave. This is a good place to stay for the night. Even though it’s daytime still. I stepped down from my seat, heading out to the back of the carriage and held out my hand to Fili. Fili ignored my gesture and got out on her own. Okay, that was it.

“Alright, what is your issue? If you have a problem, then say it!”

Fili stayed silent for a moment then looked up at my direction. “What is it to you? You’re just a bodyguard.”

She isn’t wrong. I am just a bodyguard, but I’m not going to deal six months of little miss attitude either. “And? I’m not dealing with attitude on this trip. So might as well just tell me what’s on your mind.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“I won’t unless you tell me.”

Huh? Fili is… crying? I don’t know why, but now I feel bad for trying to force it out of her. “Sorry. I won’t ask anymore. Let’s just… set up camp.”

I grabbed the supplies that were laying in the carriage, which contained sleeping bags and cooking ware. I carried the supplies onto my shoulder, heading over to the cave. I turned my head to Fili. “You can bring the horse to the cave.” Fili nodded as she grabbed the rein and motioned the horse to follow. We headed our way to the cave. As soon as we made to the inside of the small cave, I placed the supplies down and headed towards to the horse. I grabbed the rein from Fili and tied the horse to a nearby tree.

“Alright. Next is firew-” I turned to see Fili sitting on the ground. “What are you doing?”

“Sitting here.”

“No, no, no. I don’t care if you are royalty, you are going to help.”

“How am I supposed to help?”

“Come on, pipsqueak.” I grabbed her hand as we headed towards to where the tree were. “Look on the ground and find some wood.”

Fili looked at the ground, searching for wood. I looked up at the sky again, seeing that the sun is completely covered by the clouds. Gotta hurry.

I helped Fili gather up enough wood needed to make a fire. We headed back to the cave. I got onto my knees, setting up the wood and trying to make a fire. As soon I was able to make a fire, I looked at Fili who still seemed down. “Y’know. I don’t really care much, but… If you need to get something off your chest, you can just say it. It’s not like I’m going to judge you or anything.”

“What is marriage like…?”

“Huh?! That what’s been on your mind?”

Fili nodded. How the heck am I supposed to answer that? It’s not like I ever been married myself. “I guess, marriage is like. Hmm… I guess if you love someone deeply enough, you would want to be with them forever.”

“I see.”

“Why do you ask?”

“I was… curious.” Fili looked away from me. I hear the sound of rain from outside the cave. I looked out to the cave, raining pouring from every direction. This is going to be a long night.

“Someone’s coming.”

“Huh? How do you know?”

“I just do…”

What the hell is she talking about?

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81 Reviews

Points: 6336
Reviews: 81

Wed Mar 14, 2018 5:28 am
killeham wrote a review...

Hey there!

Well, I definitely wasn’t expecting a chapter from Yusse! Interesting. I’m curious as to how many different views you’re going to have in this story. Two of three is easy enough to handle, but if there’s too many, it’s hard to distinguish between them and their current situations. I’m looking forward to the next Filianna chapter, though, and I guess we’ll wait to see who else emerges!

First off, I think this chapter was a little weak, judging more from the fact that it was from Yusse’s view. I liked him fine in the last chapter, as the quip of him smiling brightly was an interesting detail, but here, I feel differently now. It’s like his thoughts don’t seem to reflect how he was initially. If you included something of like “I figured I could drop my smile, since the princess only gave me heartache” I would accept that, since this gives a decent explanation to his sudden change in personality.

I think Yusse seems weird to me, since I don’t know any of his backstory at all. If anything, I’d like to see the scene of him agreeing to be Fili’s bodyguard, because it’s a six month journey, so obviously he had to been in agreeing circumstances. I mean, does that mean he doesn’t have a family? Is he an only child? How old is he? (On that note, how old is Fili supposed to be? More on that later.)

I get trying to make your characters complex, but I think you’re trying to give too much information out at one moment. The thing is, the reader only has what you’re giving them to form the characters; if you give too much at the beginning, it’s hard to really picture who they’re supposed to be. I feel that aimless Yusse really does have this many emotions in one sitting, you’re trying to add depth in such an early moment of the novel. Your characters don’t need to be perfect at first; all you need to is create a starting point, and then be able to add to them as you go on.

The conversation between Yusse and Fili seems pretty stilted. I mean, she had already shown him attitude in their initial meeting, so I’m not sure how he can suddenly tell that she is more upset then usual. I guess he could be a really good reader of people, but that could be something you allude to, instead of just him blatantly thinking that she was down. Does that make sense?

Also, he doesn’t need to call her pipsqueak, either mentally or out loud. He called her “Fili” at the end of chapter two, so I think it’d be fine if that’s what he calls her here as well. I guess if he likes insulting her, you can leave the “pipsqueak” comments, but he didn’t seem that mean of a guy last chapter.

Moving on, I tbink here, the readers need a little more. If Yusse finds a cave, then how does he? Are there any other caves around them? Since they gathered wood, are there many trees around them? Are they in a forest? A little hint of details, from anything like “I could see the sky starting to darken above the tree line” to “there was plenty of wood around.” Do you see how that can significantly change the reader’s perspective, and be able to see the situation much more clearly?

Also, I’d love a little more description of how Yusse knows it’s going to rain soon. The clouds being gray is fine, but here’s your chance at adding more details. Is this place more tropical, as in, storms are reoccurring and everyone’s used to them? Are they sudden, or can people track them? In this case, I hope people can’t track them, as I doubt anyone would want to start a six month journey with a storm.

There’s another thing I’m wondering about - what did Yusse do with the rest of the carriage? I know you said he took out the supplies, but you never said where the rest of it went. If Yusse kept it on the horse, that’s fine, but I doubt it’ll be too dry next time they want to move. I’d love a little more insight on how he tied the horse, like if the animal was below shade or not.

Finally, I kind of wish something else happened in this chapter. That’s the downside of short chapters; sometimes the reader feels like nothing much happened. I mean, the conversation was interesting, but this feels like it’s going to be a very long novel. That’s fine, but be ready to feel the need to speed up the journey sometimes.

Overall, I like where this novel is taking the reader, but the characters seem a little contradictory at first glance. Maybe all I need are more interactions to really narrow down their personalities. Only time will tell!

Good luck with future writing and I hope this helped! And, I’m definitely looking forward to rn next chapter, despite how this review may sound.

(I can’t believe how this long this got. Sorry.)

Kanome says...

>.> <.< >.< I hate it when I overlook things when I write...

killeham says...

Do not worry about it. I am horrid at writing so some of what I said comes from all of the stuff I need to do myself. Just please hang in there. : D

Kanome says...

I will. And there's only going to be two POVs which are Fili and Yusse. xD

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15 Reviews

Points: 6
Reviews: 15

Wed Mar 14, 2018 1:02 am
Archangel wrote a review...

Okay, this is going to annoy me if I don't fix it or mention it. You don't motion for a horse to follow you like you do humans, you gently tug on the reins and/or lead rope until the horse complies. if the horse is trained well enough you can simply guide it by voice commands. Sorry for the rant but I have a horse, and it was bugging me.

Anyway... To the review!



I really like that even she's hurt him he's still sensitive to how she feels. And so soon after they meet too! Also, he has that 'I'm a bad boy to everyone but when I'm alone I'm a big ol' softie' vibe to him.


Much more clear! I know exactly what to imagine! I feel like I'm there...


And the plot thickens...! Although I can see the two sorta getting closer, the plot is kinda cloudy right now.

Tip: When you're doing thoughts still do the italics but treat it like someone is actually talking. Except use '*RANDOM THOUGHT*' instead of "*RANDOM THOUGHT*" does that make sense?

Kanome says...

I don't have a horse so I wouldn't know xD

Archangel says...

Yeah. I suspected as much. Anyway, you can make noises as well but that's when you're training with them and riding them/driving a carriage with them.

Kanome says...

Alright thanks c: The more tips, the better because I actually enjoy writing this novel. I'm working on Chapter Four right now.

Archangel says...

Same for my stories. PS - check your chats

Get ready to laugh: because my main critique is that you need to put a meter on this.
— Lumi