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Joker Missed - Into Hiding - Chapter 3

by Archangel


Last time:

Joker's POV-

"Find out everything connected to that. If you can't find any juicy stuff, I want at least to have a name and address." He nods and leaves. I lean back in my seat relaxing.



'Why did she seem so... familiar?'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As I left - pondering if the infamous Joker recognized me - the bouncer called out to me saying,

"Leaving so soon, Tiger?" The bouncer pulled me to him and lifted my hand to his lips, kissing it. I slip a rolled up piece of paper with my regular cell phone number on it into his pocket. Walking away with a flirtatious smile at him, I headed home. About to turn the corner, I look back to see if the bouncer was still watching me. Looking back, I see a more prominent, burler man had taken his place.

'I wonder why?' As I contemplate why he was replaced Joker's face pops into my mind. My eyes widen, and I quickly head home.

'That's right! I was getting away from 'Him.'' Arriving home, I immediately grab my second cell - the one I use for emergencies. I dial my best friend Val, one of the only people I give this phone number.

"Hey, Silver. What's going on? You never call on this phone." I could tell that he was worried even though he used a calm voice with me.

"Joker saw me, Dragon."

-Silence-

"Where are you now?" The calm facade disappeared, and Val's military training kicked in.

"Home. I'm packing currently. Get. Me. OFF. The. Radar. I want no records of who I am, my life, hospital bills, nothing. Absolutely nothing." I'm running about my apartment getting what's necessary packed and by the door for a quick extraction.

"Consider it done. I'm on my way."

-Click-

To kill time I got changed into my old uniform from 'The Company.' A trench coat, tank top, cargo pants, combat boot and my dog tags. All black. Hearing Val, pull up I grabbed my clothes I had just shead and put them into my bag of clothes buy the door. Val came in and started seizing my stuff and carrying it downstairs. I took some too and followed him to his black Hummer. Keeping quiet we empty my apartment and place bombs all around it. Just around the corner we park and are just about to push the detonator's button when a purple Lamborghini pulls up.

"Do it." I only say, and Val pushes the button.

-BOOM-

We drive off and don't look back.


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308 Reviews


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Wed Mar 21, 2018 4:51 am
Evander wrote a review...



Heyo, Archangel! I'm back here for another review.

"Leaving so soon, Tiger?"

I'd take this piece of dialogue and connect it to the previous line. It flows better and gives the previous comma something to connect to.

 I slip a rolled up piece of paper with my regular cell phone number on it into his pocket.

Did she just happen to have that on her just in case? As far as I can remember, she didn't previously mention anything about it. Also, all he did was kiss her hand and ask why she was leaving so soon. I don't understand why that warrants giving the guy her number, especially if she wants to get out of there as soon as possible.

'That's right! I was getting away from 'Him.''

Why use 'Him'? Based on her previous inner monologue, she isn't really against saying the Joker's name. It doesn't lead me to think that she's more afraid of him, just that she's inconsistent with her inner thoughts.

"Hey, Silver. What's going on? You never call on this phone." 

What's the point using (Y/N) for the main character when she's going to get a nickname anyway? Using a nickname removes the personal factor. Personally, I would give her a character name to avoid clunkiness when writing, but you can feel free to do what you want with it.

I could tell that he was worried even though he used a calm voice with me.

What were the cues in his voice that caused her to know he was worried? Was there a chance in cadence or word choice? I think that adding a bit more description right there could help to signify how close the two characters are.

-Silence-

Why not just say, "There was silence"? That would definitely get the point across in a more traditional way. In fact, you could even add an adjective before the silence to even set up the tone a little bit more. "There was a stony silence" or "There was an uneasy silence" could really help out.

Same thing with "click". What about, "The line died" instead?

To kill time I got changed into my old uniform from 'The Company.'

That's a rather ominous name for a business. I'm interested!

Two things to note:
Moving out in the middle of the day (or in the early evening) with no warning can be seen as rather suspicious and can draw a lot of attention. Unless she only has three bags full of stuff, then I don't see emptying her apartment being a quiet task. (Dressers can be incredibly heavy and incredibly loud.)

Val and the main character just happen to have bombs on hand? Wouldn't the bombs be incredibly noisy and cause there to be a bunch of debris? In addition to that, wouldn't bombs threaten the structural integrity of the apartment? What about her neighbors and her landlord? Setting a bomb off is not a quiet exit and it draws a lot of attention.

Well! That's all I have to say for tonight! I hope that you'll keep on writing!

-E




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Tue Mar 13, 2018 5:47 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hey. I am here for another review. Let's get started, shall we?

Overall
Since this chapter is short, I don't have much to say about it. All I can say is that this took a really big turn. She is now on the run from Joker because she thinks she is going to die, but Joker wants to find her so he can be with her.

I do have a few nitpicks:

Hearing Val, pull up I grabbed my clothes I had just shead and put them into my bag of clothes buy the door.

Here's the correction:
Hearing Val pull up, I grabbed my clothes I had just shead and put them into my bag of clothes by the door.

That's all I can say for now. Keep up the great work and keep writing! Onto the next chapter ~

- Kanome





The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
— Groucho Marx