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Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic

12+

Wow...

by StuckOnEarth


Wow

How do I explain it?

Each day I seek to meet her eye.

Each day I dread a single goodbye.

I stare at her when she doesn't see.

I swear I'm not being creepy..(right?)

'Cause wow, her eyes..

They shine an almond-shaped mocha brown.

Her hair, soft and chocolate, even cuter short then when she let it down.

It's hard to explain, it really is.

But her smile makes my head get light.

I think about her day and night.

I stare at her freckles, and love when she laughs.

I swear I'm not being creepy..(right?)

Wow.

I wanna know her favorite food and stare at her in the rain.

I want to take her hand on the beach and share deep, dark stories of personal pain.

I want to know each little tick, each little thing she does..

I want to know her as HERSELF, her beautiful, smart self.

I beg she doesn't push me onto that dusty, old shelf.

She's better then me, at practically everything.

Yet she is my light in the dark of the night.

I swear I'm not being creepy..(right?)

She doesn't know it, she doesn't suspect..

But I'm entranced by her...

Goddamn, it almost hurts.

Wow.

How do I explain it?

Well, I know that I like her.

I really really do.

And I'll wait patiently until the day she says...

"I like you, too."


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17 Reviews


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Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:32 am
Archangel wrote a review...



Okay, this is good but you need a little help.

"Her hair, soft and chocolate, even cuter short then when she let it down." The end is confusing and it doesn't flow well. Plus you should have used 'than' instead of 'then'.

Next, "But her smile makes my head get light." This one also doesn't flow well. Try taking out 'get' and it sounds better.

And yes, it how you phrase your sentences you get creepy - almost stalker like. Before you publish something you should read it out loud. It makes it easier to see if something feels, sounds and flows well. And don't worry, everyone makes mistakes. It's apart of life and that's why we're all here. To get better.




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Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi there SpaceSnickerdoodle!
Whatchamacallit here for a review!
First off, I would recommend breaking this up into stanzas, one way shown in the spoiler below.

Spoiler! :

Wow
How do I explain it?
Each day I seek to meet her eye.
Each day I dread a single goodbye.
I stare at her when she doesn't see.
I swear I'm not being creepy..(right?)
'Cause wow, her eyes..
They shine an almond-shaped mocha brown.
Her hair, soft and chocolate, even cuter short then when she let it down.
It's hard to explain, it really is.
But her smile makes my head get light.
I think about her day and night.
I stare at her freckles, and love when she laughs.
I swear I'm not being creepy..(right?)

Wow.
I wanna know her favorite food and stare at her in the rain.
I want to take her hand on the beach and share deep, dark stories of personal pain.
I want to know each little tick, each little thing she does..
I want to know her as HERSELF, her beautiful, smart self.
I beg she doesn't push me onto that dusty, old shelf.
She's better then me, at practically everything.
Yet she is my light in the dark of the night.
I swear I'm not being creepy..(right?)
She doesn't know it, she doesn't suspect..
But I'm entranced by her...
Goddamn, it almost hurts.

Wow.
How do I explain it?
Well, I know that I like her.
I really really do.
And I'll wait patiently until the day she says...
"I like you, too."

Also, some punctuation. Make sure your 'dot dot dot's are three dots, not two.
'. . . creepy..(right?)' should be -> '. . . creepy...(right?)'.
The rhyming has a weird pattern (actually, not really one I can discern. It seems like two in a row rhyme, but then you miss one ...) so I would recommend fixing it or not rhyming at all.
'I really really do' should be -> 'I really, really do'. (Always insert a comma after repeated words is a general word.)
Other than that, pretty good! I know the feeling. :)
~Whatchamacallit




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Fri Mar 09, 2018 6:12 pm
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JaylinBoykins wrote a review...



This poem has a beautiful meaning and I am happy you have met someone you are truly in love with. That is one of the best feelings to have especially when they feel the same way back. Now as far as the poem it was a well written concept but it has an odd flow to it. Sometimes it seems to flow smoothly than randomly there's a bump in the passage and everything gets rocky to place together. I think the best thing you can do is re-word the sentences are add more to it so it can flow better. You could also change around the punctuation of the poem if you don't want to change the sentences entirely. That would give us a little more of a sense of what your flow to this work is. Xoxo




StuckOnEarth says...


Thanks.^^



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Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:32 am
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LakeOfCancer wrote a review...



Yeah, I think the same as everyone else! This girl is lucky to have you like her! And also, @LadyShadows is kinda right. In certain places it didn't sound right, but I mean, I wasn't focused on that. Basically, I feel the same way as you, except, it's a guy of course. He's really nice and he's a really good drummer. And he's the class clown, plus.....he's freaking talllllllllllll!!!!!!! But I think you did great! I can't wait to see what else you have in store about this girl!


Keep up the fantastical work friendo! I'll talk to you soon.




~ Lake :)




StuckOnEarth says...


Thank you!^^



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Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:40 am
LadyShadows wrote a review...



Hello! LadyShadows here to review your work!

Before I get into details, I want to share my thoughts on this poem:
It was not bad. In fact, I thought it was nice. The girl seems to be lucky that you like her so much!

Now, for the poem itself, I did see a problem or so. Well, I noticed that the poem didn't always quite flow the way it should of. Um... I thought of this poem being like a river and then it had a dam in it. That dam was preventing the water to come through, so it was almost like trickles.

'But her smile makes my head get light.'

I'd probably just take out 'get' so it would be like: 'But her smile makes my head light.'

And I should say that it seemed that when you rhymed the sets of lines seemed like it was random. usually there is an actual pattern when you rhyme. If so, it could be me, but if not, then please remember this!

However that's all I see and could think of at the moment. Well done. Have a good day! :)




StuckOnEarth says...


Thank you for the review!^^



LadyShadows says...


No problem! Always a pleasure to help!



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Fri Mar 09, 2018 5:15 am
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LJF says...



Whoever she is, she's a lucky girl. And don't worry-- you're not (that) creepy! ;P




StuckOnEarth says...


Thanks! ;P XD



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Fri Mar 09, 2018 5:01 am
StuckOnEarth says...



@emolemon @Flumadiddle @woahhitherepal @Lake

That's all I can think of. ._. Ask if you want me to tag you, and I sweaaaaarrrrr I'll rememberrrrrrr. (This time..XD)






Dude this is so cuuute!





This reminds me of a beauty that just joined my soccer team. EXACTLY like how you described her but blue eyes. I love for her laugh. One day I might be brave enough to actually talk to her without smiling like an idiot and having to turn away cause my face gets hot. She's probably not even pan tho, she's probably straight. ;-;



StuckOnEarth says...


Ooh sounds cute. ;) Well, you never know if someone is straight or not. You just have to wait and see, but it is a sorta a let-down if they end up being straight. Yeah, my crush is part Asian, brown hair she recently cut into a short, boyish haircut, with freckles and dark eyes. She's. So. Cute.





mine is hispanic i think with golden-chocolate skin and always has two french braids that lie on her back just reaching the shoulder blades. Her dimples, body, eyes, hair, personality... it's all amazing. Every time i see her i just kinda melt and blush.



StuckOnEarth says...


That's exactly how I feel about my crush. Unfortunately, I'm NOT at her level of good-looking-ness, smartness and likeable-ness so...rip.




Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness
— Allen Ginsburg