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Without me (Edited)

by Temptress


You came into my life so unexpectedly,
and right from the start,
I loved you unconditionally.

But now, you have lost all respect from me.
Cause baby I thought we were meant to be,
tell me how could you do this to me.

I was blind and I couldn't see, 
how wrong you were for me.
And baby it's hard to believe,
that you never really needed me 

So you're finally free,
Do you have got what you need?
So I hope you're happy,
without me. 


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30 Reviews


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Mon Mar 26, 2018 5:58 pm
Daenyss wrote a review...



Gosh. This is just so pretty. The flow is very lyrical, and is carried very much by the emotion, which is wonderful.

I have two critiques: 1) the use of the word baby as taken with the surrounding punctuation, and 2) the use of both have and got in the same line in the last stanza. I draw issue with your use of the word baby because of its stress, which falls on the first syllable. This makes the word go by faster than words with other syllable stress patterns, and coupled with the surrounding punctuation, it goes by a little too quickly for my liking. I'm pretty sure my second critique was the result of a simple typo, and it's a quick fix, so I won't waste too much time here on it.

Overall, great job, and keep writing!




Temptress says...


Thank you so much for your review. This is honestly the best poem I've ever written.



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Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:49 am
Archangel wrote a review...



Nice work. I know how this feels. I was there once. Went through the five stages of grief myself. There are so many people like this and the will never change. The only way to stay away from the pain is to stay away from them in the first place. It's hard I know it's hard. They seem so welcoming, loving and like they will never hurt you. But it's always a charade. If this poem is made because of experience, you are not alone. Even if you don't have someone physically, I'm here if you wanna talk. Anyway... I can't see anything that I feel that needs help. Good job.




Temptress says...


Thank you! :3



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Tue Mar 13, 2018 4:25 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here for a review. Please note that I do not intend to offend. If indeed I do then I offer an apology.

Thanks for sharing this poem about a person who feels extremely disappointed with
one he thought was the love of his life. I like how it is written as if it were being addressed to the woman directly and makes the reader feel as if listening in. I did appreciate the message conveyed and felt the disappointment although the speaker seems to feign not being hurt by the flippant way that he speaks. I like the way that the first stanza rhymes.

Suggestion

Some hint on what exactly she did to convince the speaker that he had been wrong in his initial reaction would have been nice.

If it were mine I would try to reduce the number of times I use the word "me".

Do you have got.... [Do you have....]

[T]ell me....

Looking forward to reading more of your work.




Temptress says...


Thank you. It was written about a she talking about the love of her life not being the one but I do suppose it could be vise versa. But thanks again.



Radrook says...


Sorry. I guess the use of the word "baby" made me imagine that the person being addressed was female.



Temptress says...


Its okay :) it could be used in either situation.



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24 Reviews


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Fri Mar 09, 2018 6:30 pm
JaylinBoykins wrote a review...



This poem is actually really good and it has a rather smooth flow with a few bumps. I only have a few critiques for this poem. The starting "Without me" seems oddly placed to me. It starts the poem off with a rocky flow and it seems unnecessary. That intro leaves the reader a little distraught as to why it is there. It doesn't seem to make sense in the first lines to me. To me it seems to work almost like a title.

Also let's talk about this line here: "You have lost all respect from me, and ain't funny"
This doesn't flow together well and the "ain't" seems misplaced and not needed. I spent a few minutes reading that line to try to understand exactly what you were trying to imply and to catch back onto the flow of the poem

My final critique is the line: "that I I thought we were meant to be"
I'm assuming the double "I" was meant to cast this aura of a pause or emotion but it's not correctly placed. If you want to keep the "I", I would suggest putting a comma in between them so it will flow better.

Overall I loved this poem. I just feel you have a few errors that can be either retracted or expanded upon. Keep writing love xoxo




Temptress says...


Thank you so much ^-^ the double"I" was a typo lol but thanks again



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Fri Mar 09, 2018 4:39 pm
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CorruptedArrow wrote a review...



Hey Temptress! Corrupted Arrow here with a review! If I offend you in anyway I apologize in advance.

I'm going to tell you straight out of the gate that this hurt my head reading this, with all the commas (which I will help you with later) the brain works too hard to pause every five or three words. Now on to helping you with the commas.

"Without me
You came into my life so unexpectedly,
and right from the start,
I loved you unconditionally." There shouldn't be a comma after 'unexpectedly', because after you put the comma down you also said 'and' that is a double pause.

"I loved you unconditionally.
But now,
You have lost all respect from me,
and ain't funny,
that I I thought we were meant to be." There is a double 'I I' in the last sentence I'm not sure if that was there on purpose or if it was a typo. Now we are back to the commas; There shouldn't be commas after 'me' and 'funny'. 'Ain't' makes no sense maybe use 'isn't'.

"Baby it's hard to believe,
that you never really needed me
But you're finally free,
and you've got what you need." There shouldn't be a comma after 'believe'.

After all this is said and done, it is a good poem. It just needed a few tweaking points. Kepp up the Writing and have a Good Day!




Temptress says...


Thanks for the review! Thanks with the comma trouble btw. This was mainly a rough draft and i was planning on fixing it sooner or later. It was originally a piece of a song I had wrote but decided to cut it short and make it a poem. But thanks again.





Anytime!



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Fri Mar 09, 2018 4:46 am
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LJF wrote a review...



You tell him, girl!
I like this! It's fun and refreshing, but glaringly honest-- a great combination! At first glance, it might look like any other brokenhearted story, but it's not-- it's YOURS. It's amazing that you've gotten to the point that you realize that it isn't your fault-- if he can't see how amazing you are, that's HIS fault!
I don't really like the rhyming scheme-- I think it'd be better with a couple different rhymes, rather than just the same sound, over and over again-- but that's just my personal preference.
Tag me next time you write a poem!
-LJF




Temptress says...


Thank you so much and I will ^-^




We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway