Young Writers Society

Okay... I know I'm doing this just for earning points, but this does give a lot of questions. I'm too tired to read lot of other people's comments, so I just review this immediately. First off, it feels almost like a script for action plans or something. I know you posted this as short-story, but it's like an unfinished piece... Or a teaser. Could be a prologue or just an idea for someone to start building a story's world.
Kinda funny to imagine a space car if I'm not wrong. If you want to continue this, it'll require some explanations like: who's the guy? Why was he send to Mars? If someone knew about the danger, what lie could it be to send this guy and why? (If that's the case.)

Hello! Lelu here, doing one last big review to get points to release the last chapter of Princess of the Sea. Not that it concerns you. Sorry. Are you new? It seems you haven't published much else. Welcome to YWS. Before I get into the actual review, let me point out that, though you are allowed to swear, you can't rate the piece E if it contains "d-n." Firstly, I like this. No wonder it won that prize in the Olympics. It's succinct, pithy, and easily understandable. The static and broken-up transmission is a nice touch. Why exactly is your character going to Mars? Has anyone been there before? I'm assuming not, or they'd know it was dangerous. Also, since this is the first Martian expedition, why isn't the ship better quality? In other news, I'm just going to address a few small punctuation issues. In "Whatever, the launch happened a few days ago," there should be a semicolon after "whatever." Then you talk about the solar panels and say "it's power will stay on" and the apostrophe shouldn't be there. Love the cliffhanger! This could be the beginning of a movie. A great start to a great career.

I enjoy reading enigmatic stories, or stories that leave you wondering what the hell was going on. This story engenders this by describing things without explaining what they are. For example, what are those footsteps he or she hears? What is that ominous hurried movement and the clanging mentioned at the end. How can a literal car go to Mars? Is this speaker hallucinating? Is the speaker sane? Is the facility that is briefly mentioned a insane asylum? Is he undergoing a hallucinogenic experience? All these are possibilities. One thing is for sure, he didn't go to Mars in car. So perhaps he is simply comparing his solitary journey to an unknown location where he will feel extremely out of place as if on another world as being similar to going to Mars. That would be an excellent use of hyperbole. The very fact that the story has the potential to be viewed in so many different ways provides it with the mesmerizing ability to cause to reexamine it for clues. Yet a definitive interpretation remains tantalizingly always out of reach.

Nice job. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

This definitely got me going!

Lake here to keep The Blue Fish in first place! So first off, I wanted to say, I can see why this was the winning story in the contest! It's very well made, and even though there were only 500 words, it was magnificent.

I liked how you would put in the static and shuffling and the parts that seemed to glitch in and out when this man was talking.

One thing I noticed was that you never mentioned who this man was. Sure, you give the hint that he's an astronaut and that he was headed to Mars, but we never got to know him personally.

Maybe you could say this man's name and mention how old he was. That would make this absolutely perfect! But also, I think you should add little bits of detail, like when you said there were footsteps, maybe in the 'sound of footsteps' part, you could say if they were heavy, if they were light, if they were slow, maybe they were in a hurry? But other than that, I think you did amazing!

The parts that were cut off, I would love to know what he was going to say in those parts! That would be awesome!

So that's it from me! Hopefully this helped you in a way!XD So I can't wait to hear more form you! Keep up the fantastical work friend!


~ Lake

Hey, there. Kanome with a review (or attempt with a review).
First, I like to say, congrats for winning the Event 2 of the Winter Olympics. From what I can understand, this is only a 500 word entry? I think that's what the event was.
Anywho, the overall aspect of this story was actually pretty amazing. I love how you brought it in from an actual point of view of an astronaut, and the way you portrayed it, it reminds me of those cliched science fiction movies, which is also pretty amazing.
I can see this (if you want to) a potential start of a new novel, because this sounds like a great start of a prologue for a new sci-fi series.
Anyways, congrats again and keep up the great work. Keep writing!

Good job, Raiden Cheese!
And let me pause this review for a second to compliment you on your profile picture! Go anime! Go No Game No Life! Yeah! Actually I never really got very far into No Game No Life, but it 's cool to see a fellow anime person out here! Have you seen Boku no Hero Academia, Fate/Zero, FMAB, Monster, etc. . .?
Anyway, back to the review!
So, yeah, this is a pretty creative story. You have a great concept, and the whole thing going on with the static is done very well. I like all of the insinuations and things. You make things very fascinating, and certainly intriguing to the reader. Good job with that. Unfortunately, some details are not made clear enough. If I were you, I'd make this a longer story. Expand on things. Give your narrator a character. As it is, there isn't much feeling here. I have trouble seeing what's going on, and I don't know what to make of this. Is the narrator an alien, or an explorer from earth? Perhaps I need to read more closely. The point is, clarify. Implications are good, but not when there are too many of them.
Congratulations, and keep on writing! I look forward to what you come up with next!