The drip drip dripping of the rain is music unheard by human ears

After the storm clouds roll in, and the thunder,
booming across the sky, making themselves known,
celebrating all that is powerful about nature,
death and life come together in a perfect storm.

Earthworms wriggle and drown in tiny rivers
formed by falling raindrops.
Giant oak trees drink up from their roots.
Hidden among those same roots, nuts buried
in the ground by squirrels, perpetually
jovial, joking and chattering to one another from the treetops.
Kind-eyed and knowing, the gentle doe
leads her white dappled fawn through the storm.
Mothers, doe and others, provide for their offsprings'
needs.

Overhead, the storm clouds
part for the sun to peek through.
Quiet but for the sounds of dripping
rain from oak's broad leaves,
swans, seven of them, break the silence,
trumpeting mournfully from their nests
under the cover of tall reeds by the lake.
Vast, in all its depth and glory,
water on water tinkles an accompaniment, not unlike the
xylophone or glockenspiel; short and sweet notes that
yawn on and on until swept away by
Zephyr's tranquil breath.

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Points: 7955
Reviews: 109

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Mon Apr 02, 2018 11:08 pm

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neptune wrote a review...

Hey Storm! Finally here for that review you requested. It’s been sooo long and I apologize for not getting to this sooner. Let’s see if any of my review will help you out!

First of all - kudos to you for writing a quite successful alphabet poem! I could never have done one (probably won’t in my future, to be honest). That being said, I might point out some lines that sound forced/awkward among the rest of the poem.

After the storm clouds roll in, and the thunder,

I like this start of the poem. However, I'd use a different word rather than 'storm' for the clouds, because the last line of the stanza is describing the formation of a storm. I think it is kind of a given that clouds rolling in with thunder are forming a storm. I personally think it makes more sense rather than a stanza that mainly is bringing the message of 'storm clouds rolling in to form a perfect storm'. Perhaps you could describe the clouds as big, dark, booming, or something other than storm. (Although, I see what you did with storm clouds).

Giant oak trees drink up from their roots.

I'm not quite sure about this line. I think the phrasing just choked up as I read it over. 'drink up from their roots' is awkward -- and I think it's because I wouldn't typically write a line in this order. This line sort of sounds forced because of the strange order. Maybe it's just how I read it, but the phrasing doesn't seem typical. I don't know.

Overhead, the storm clouds

I love how you reverted back to this imagery scene! It helps wrap up the ending sentence nicely -- I think it was a wonderful touch.

Overall, this was an imagery-packed poem. I loved the wordiness and strong word use. Although this poem was describing the scenes of a storm and afterward, I think there could somehow be a little more emotion. The main thing I experienced while reading this was a sense of what a storm looks like before and after. I didn't really get a grasp of emotion. I think while you describe the animals around, add some emotion to represent the sunshine after the storm, and the clouds during the storm. Happiness and sadness correlate well with what you're describing -- I just found a lack of it throughout the poem.

For an alphabet poem, you did a great job! I really enjoyed this and I felt as if I entered a whole other world. This review was really horrible, so apologies for the bad overall feedback (I haven't been reviewing much lately, if you haven't been able to tell yet).

Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

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Sun Mar 18, 2018 4:35 am

Virgil wrote a review...

Hi there Storm. I promised to review this a week or two back and never got the chance to so that's what I'm doing now.

First of all, I wanted to say congrats on winning a place with this poem! This is definitely well-deserving of that place. As for first impressions of this piece, I have to say that I particularly enjoyed the tone and atmosphere with the emphasis on nature--that's easily one of the strongest parts here. Quite suiting for someone with a username that used to be Stormcloud, hah.

After the storm clouds roll in, and the thunder,
booming across the sky, making themselves known,
celebrating all that is powerful about nature,
death and life come together in a perfect storm.

Moving on from that and into the first stanza, I see what you did there with 'storm clouds' in the first line which I smiled at. Furthermore I can see the flow of this stanza being stronger with editing as there's not a need for a comma before 'and' in the first line. While changing this is more optional (or more of a stylistic choice on your part), the part about 'making themselves known' is both confusing and odd in flow. Are you talking about the thunder here or the storm clouds, because thunder...can't be seen and can only be heard whereas lightning is the one that can be seen. I'm pretty sure you meant the storm clouds but clarification on that may help the reader understand what's going on.

There's a disconnect between the end of the second line and the beginning of the third that I'd suggest fixing. This is due to the wording and the outcome of this is that the first and last two lines end up looking like different beasts entirely.

Earthworms wriggle and drown in tiny rivers
formed by falling raindrops.
Giant oak trees drink up from their roots.
Hidden among those same roots, nuts buried
in the ground by squirrels, perpetually
jovial, joking and chattering to one another from the treetops.
Kind-eyed and knowing, the gentle doe
leads her white dappled fawn through the storm.
Mothers, doe and others, provide for their offsprings'
needs.

In the first two lines I enjoy how the earthworms can also be thought of as raindrops (or at least I did) falling into the river. Or perhaps the tiny rivers are formed by the 'tiny raindrops' but I enjoyed the first interpretation better. The scenes painted here are lovely but I wish the third line felt more connected to the rest of the stanza instead of being more standalone. Other than that there's nice nature imagery in this stanza although there's nothing that particularly catches my eye when reading.

That sums up my emotions on the third and fourth stanzas in general, actually. If I were only using a single word to describe this piece, that word is solid, because that's what this is. There's nothing new brought to the table which is unfortunate but what's done well is done well, such as the focus on nature. A stronger focus on the theme is a suggestion and this does end up becoming a little wordy with the large vocabulary, although that's fitting for what this is attempting to do here. Overall, this can be compared to a well-made dish: Said dish is well-made but there are little-to-no risks taken or spices added in.

That's why I suggest adding in a stronger focus on the theme--first for a second point of interest other than the surface level nature imagery and second to pull this together a bit better.

Solid. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. Hope I helped.

Points: 9818
Reviews: 16

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Mon Feb 19, 2018 5:13 am

AlexOfLight says...

This is beautiful. I have no other words to describe it currently.

Points: 2331
Reviews: 41

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Sun Feb 18, 2018 1:50 am

Carlymillie wrote a review...

Carly's corner: here for a review;

*I feel the title of the poem is too lengthy, in other words, not eye catchy and interesting. it discourages readers, most especially those who judge the book by the cover.

*secondly I think your verses were poorly formed.
No pattern.

* I'd advise that next time, you should make a detailed research on your topic of interest. In your second verse: " Earthworms wriggle and drown in tiny rivers
formed by falling raindrops.
Giant oak trees drink up from their roots.
Hidden among those same roots, nuts buried
in the ground by squirrels, perpetually
jovial, joking and chattering to one another from the treetops.
Kind-eyed and knowing, the gentle doe
leads her white dappled fawn through the storm.
Mothers, doe and others, provide for their offsprings'
needs.".
you talked about worms digging the grounds, no arguments, even if you were trying to make use of hyperbole, make it more interesting, because no matter how much it rains, and how hard we try to listen, we can never hear worms digging the ground. I. understand there's poetic license but then for your type for work, it doesn't add up.
what about roof top sounds? I think that's a music made by the rain that I believe humans see as noise rather than music, or the sound made by human feet, when it rains.

All in general, I liked the simplicity of your work, it was exact and easy to understand.

inktopus says...

There is no human narrator for this poem, therefore I found that keeping the imagery to only things a human would be able to notice unnecessary. I don't feel as if roof top sounds apply, because my poem takes place in nature. It wouldn't make sense to include man-made items.

Was there anything in my poem that lead you to believe that there was a human narrator? And with that in mind, do you have any other advice for me?

Thanks!

Young Writers Society

The drip drip dripping of the rain is music unheard by human ears

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