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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Journey to oasis #1 (ideas for first book title?)

by MrSanzHatter


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

The family tree

“You!” And old man’s voice boomed. I glanced over my shoulder to see an ancient shriveled man pointing a long bony finger at me. The man next to me slowly raised his hand and pointed at himself. “Me?” the man’s voice dry and raspy. “NO YOU IGNORANT BAFOON!” he spat at the man. His eyes narrowed on me “you” he said rigoursly.

I opened my mouth to ask but immediately shut it as the man slung a shotgun over his lap. I gulped and looked back to the old man’s face as he nodded for me to come over. Taking a deep breath and franticly shuffled over.

“Stop shivering boy, if I was going to kill ya id done when your lot walked in.” his voice was cold and lacked any emotion. He gestured for me to take a seat on an old tire, I obediently sat and stared at the ground. “Do you know who I am Bo…” he started coughing ferocious I began to get up but he just held his hand out. In-between coughs he managed to say he’d be fine.

When He eventually finished I’d noticed something different regarding his right eye, it was lightning purple. He caught me staring and snickered. “Yeah quite a site, huh?” “Actually one of the reason I called you over here.” I looked up slightly concerned.

“It’s nothing to be worried about” he laughed… or croaked. After he recovered he continued. “I would simply like to tell you a story”. His voice softened and I looked back up his expression turned warm and kind. “It has to do with this place a matter of fact”. He gestured to his surrounding a giant rusted city that looked to have been picked up then dropped, half the city slightly elevated enough for you to kick a box and watch it sail down the street.

Almost as if he read my mind he sighed and began to speak. “Yes it doesn’t look like much now, but long ago the city once flew through the sky. The old man’s eyes gazed into the sky as if something caught his attention. ”Ah, how about we start that story. He kicked his fee… foot up on another stray tire and looked up into the darkening sky.

”Where to begin “he whispered to himself he glanced back down at me and began to glare past me. I furred my eyebrows and turned to see several kids staring at us. ”Robby! “The old man snapped. Between two older children immerged a small frail child? He stared at the ground holding his arm and shifting his weight back and forth from his legs.

The child had long unruly hair and looked to be Hispanic. He wore rags much like other children and a cloth jacket. The only thing that really distinguished him was his purple eye. I glanced back at the old man who was still glaring at the child.

Eventually the kid made it over to where we sat and continued to stare at the ground. ”You kno…“the old man began before the child began to sniffle and squeak “I know, I just… I want to play and it’s really not fai… the child stopped and stared back at the ground. The old man stood up and for the first time I got a good look at him. He would be tall if he wasn’t slouched so far, his face was riddled with scars and black veins popped out from time to time. He was missing his left leg up to his knee. Instead of a new cybernetic limb it looked to be and old rusted prosthetic. His hair was black and peppered with grey. He looked like he would have been fit a hundred years ago but time has taken a toll on the old coot and even though he looked to be scrawny he still looked like a man you would not want to fuck with.

The old man shifted his weight to the false leg it creaked and groaned but stayed in one piece. He grabbed the boys shoulder and smiled.

“Want to hear a story?” the child’s face instantly lit up. I sat quietly and watched as the man sat back down and the kid hoped up on his lap. The man looked back at me and raised hand. “The names john by the way, and Luke I’ve got one hell of a story for you.”

It took me a while to relies I never told him my name.

“So” john began. “You don’t recognize me do you?” I looked down at the ground and shuffled my feet. I looked back up to see a sad smile fade from his face. “It’s ok, honestly I thought they’d have kept you far away from here.”

We locked eyes and again it was like he read my mind.

“Your parents…” his voice trailed off. “They tried” my voice was quiet and lacked any emotion. “I sure they did, I’m sorry for what happened to them your mother deserved much better.”

I looked up at john confused and slightly angry. “Are you saying my father deserved to die?” “Huh,” the old man weased out. “That man DESERVED a fate worst then death. But your father… he was ignorant and didn’t care what you and your mother did as long as they stayed away from this place. As long as they stayed away from… him.”

I began to rise when John stood up and held his hand up. “I don’t mean to insult any one, I simply want to talk. It’s very important you hear this story Luke. If your mother was still here she’d want you to know. Then again she’d also be trying to kick my ass.” John gave a cracked grin and I relaxed a little.

We sat back down and he began to explain.

“…and you see we all have this similar trait… ”He pointed up at his purple eye. … “That allows us to, well to do some very extraordinary things.”

“What’s this have to do with me?” “Well” the old man chuckled. “You have this peculiarity as well.”

I started to reach for my eye when the man chuckled again. “Don’t worry that doesn’t happen tell later and there’s ways to hide and it doesn’t hurt.” I put man hand back in my lap and listened patiently again.

He explained that there was family long ago, he would go into more detail later but this family has a long and terrible history that goes all the way back to the beginning of mankind. They were bestowed what some would call a gift and others a curse and the way our ancestors used it… let’s just say I’m glad I have no siblings.

He said were all family. The kid was my second cousin on my father’s side. But he wouldn’t say who he was.

Eventually he got to the story after a bit more rambling about how much a crazy bitch my mom was (jokingly mind you) the joy on his face was so surreal.

“Alight I think you’ve endured enough bull shit.” He chuckled out. “Alight where do I begin…?” “Ah a story is best told from the begging I suppose.” He smiled. I returned it with my own dorky smile.

“We’ll have you ever heard the story of how we got in this place in the first place?”

I shook my head. John sighed “man what are they teaching you youngsters in training these day.” “Well I guess you can say it started with one hell of a night.”

The dark days

“Alight well it’s been a while so I’m going to need some breaks to remember exactly.”

It was around 2600 years ago there was a small village of men, it was a very peaceful place. No money, no greed, no war… it was blissful.

Alas all good things must come to an end, our family have seen this first hand for many generations. But in this village lived 2 brothers. Mable and Cain.

Mable was a young and wise boy I believe he was in his what we would call early twenties. Cain was young and reckless always wanting more. The brothers were inseparable though. They would do anything for each other.

“One day they were heading to a bar… wait, no that’s not right. A strip club? No no that’s not it.” john got up and shuffled over to a stack of papers on an old table.

“AH HA! It was a lake I was close”. I laughed as he trotted back over to his seat. The kid got back on his lap and he resumed.

So they were heading to lake annnnd blah blah blah lets skip forward they go fishing ,the sun is setting so they start up the path back to the village.

Mable has Cain on his back and they were playing around when they heard an odd low growl, weak but still chilling. Mable carefully dropped Cain and rounded the corner of the forest path. Before Cain could follow Mable rushed back around the corner and dropped down on his knees in front of Cain.

“Run to the village and get help, NOW!” Mable shouted startling his younger brother. Cain took off past Mable towards the village before he ran past the corner he stole a glance at what his brother was doing.

On the ground was an old man covered in blood. The source was very obvious, there was a giant hole in the man’s Chest. Somehow it seemed the man was still alive. Cain noticed dozens of black veins all over the man’s visible body. As Cain ran by the man he managed to shakenly raise his head enough for Cain to see his face.

It was also very bloody though not as bad. His eyes were encircled with the black veins but that’s not what caught Cain’s attention. The orange glowing eyes that seemed to look right through him.

The last thing Cain saw was the bloody stained smile of the old man as his brother ran back to him.


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351 Reviews


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Sun Feb 25, 2018 6:02 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello. Kanome here with a helpful review in honor of Review Day. Let's get started, shall we?

NITPICKS:
There were a few errors in your story that I will like to point out and if you have time, able to edit and republish. Here we go:

I glanced over my shoulder to see an ancient shriveled man pointing a long bony finger at me.

When you are describing a person, thing, or place using more than one adjective, you have to make sure to add commas into the list of adjective words you are using. For example:
Silvia used to wear a long, frilly dress on weekends.
For this sentence, just place the commas where they need to go. Like this:
I glanced over my shoulder to see an ancient, shriveled man pointing a long, bony finger at me.

“Stop shivering boy, if I was going to kill ya id done when your lot walked in.”

This is basically a sentence fragment, but since there are two sentences in one, this turned into a run-on sentence. You just need to revise the sentence and there is one grammar error that is totally fixable. Here's a suggestion sentence you can use:
"Stop shivering, boy. If I was going to kill ya, I'd done it when y'all walked in."

“Do you know who I am Bo…” he started coughing ferocious I began to get up but he just held his hand out.

Another run-on sentence. Just simply place a period after ferocious

In-between coughs he managed to say he’d be fine.

There needs to be a comma between coughs and he.

“Yeah quite a site, huh?” “Actually one of the reason I called you over here.”

I understand that there are two sentences, but you don't need quotation marks on the second sentence since John was still speaking. Simply remove the quotations and use:
“Yeah quite a site, huh? Actually one of the reason I called you over here.”

”Where to begin “he whispered to himself he glanced back down at me and began to glare past me.

Another run-on sentence. Just put a period after himself.

He explained that there was family long ago...

I got what you meant, I think. Did you mean to say:
He explained that there a was family long ago...?

IMPROVEMENT:
You just have to make sure to proofread your work before you publish. Some of the sentences in your story overall were sentence fragments. If you reread your work, you might be able to see that some of the sentences don't make sense, therefore, you will need to revise. Also, make you sure you do your punctuation placement and also capitalize. In certain places, the name John was not capitalized.

OVERALL:
This was a very interesting read. While you were describing your characters, you weren't vague about them, so that is good. Also, John reminds of old men that tell stories to random people in movies and famous books, so I find that kind of funny. I would love to know more about this family his speaks of. I do hope you continue this, I would love to read more. Keep up the great work. Can't wait for the next chapter update! Keep writing and have a great day!
P.S: Maybe name the title Mable and Cain?




MrSanzHatter says...


okay to start thank you so much I do try to proofread my stories but I am awful at grammar and punctuation. this helps a ton and thank you I am going to go through and add more details and fix many things including what you pointed out so thank you for the review!



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Sun Feb 18, 2018 1:45 am
Boluk wrote a review...



Well this kind of writing er...typing is something not seen a lot on this site. {then again what do I know I haven't been on this site in what five months?} Ill start off this review talking about John. John seems to remind me of Hagrid from the Harry Potter series but that might just be me. John seems to me to be a person who could be hiding things and has more layers than an onion. Judging from the fact that you wrote:"It was around 2600 years ago" implies that the character could be immortal or close to it. this could just be my ignorance as i was just skimming and scanning specifically for my review and not really reading this story for the sake of reading which affects the way I go about reading on this website. so umm I'm a pretty terrible reviewer by just admitting that I know. I read an earlier comment of yours about how you would want someone to review your amazing work which was pretty much the only reason why I did this. That and I wanted to get as much points possible ya know? I generally think that your prose is good although your grammar and pacing could use some improvement {Wow. Now I feel like the pot calling the kettle black} I wanted to write some more stuff so in conclusion your story is amazing but you should better yourself so you could get even better. My name is Boluk and your story is one of many that remind me of...the twilight zone. Dudududududududu...




MrSanzHatter says...


wow I do like how you actually tried to read into to it, I really appreciate that. um, John actually is hiding a lot of things that when I get my head into it will come to fruition. he is definitely older than the average person although I don't want to spoil too much the story will mainly take place in johns youth and the events that brought the galaxy to its knees



Boluk says...


oh cool!



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Thu Feb 08, 2018 10:05 pm
DeerInBacPac says...



I will review this when I can.




MrSanzHatter says...


yeah no rush just if you have a chance thank you



DeerInBacPac says...


No problem!




*CLUCKING INTENSIFIES*
— Snoink