z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 13 of Princess of the Sea

by lelu


The Falcon docked the next morning. Silira's sisters were long gone, riding wildly back to Twilight. Silira woke up in her small, cozy cabin. Last night, there had only been the sounds of the sea and the ship, for they had been far from the coast. But now they were in port, moving quickly in to the city docks. Captain Swordfish ran up onto the deck, eating a swordfish sandwich for breakfast. He swallowed, and called, "Port of Caer Ebon!" loudly. Silira, getting her dress and coat on and washing up, heard the noble guests stirring in the cabins nearby. "Why he can't keep it down I don't know..." one chap with a posh accent was muttering from behind one of her cabin walls. Silira did up her hair as well as she could. She hadn't been provided a lady's maid on the voyage, but who needed one?

Silira ran out onto the deck, to her customary seat on the prow. She had left most of her clothes in the big chest during the voyage, keeping only two dresses out, one grey wool with a high collar and tight sleeves, one a sort of soft brown fur she was unfamiliar with. The one she wore now was the grey. Colin came up on deck, wearing a black cloak with a red and white tunic and trousers underneath.

Caer Ebon was beautiful. Grey stone buildings covered a high hill, interspersed with dark trees whose golden leaves were almost all gone. Some were drifting away even now, the strong wind blowing them down to the ship. Two caught in Silira's hair. She didn't notice, but Corwin did, and smiled approvingly. She looked good with gold in her hair.

There was a high tower on top of the hill, with a road running up to it from the docks and branching out into the wood at the bottom of the hill. From the top of the tower, a flag was flying, the flag of Aeryn, a white unicorn's head against a dark green background.

The Falcon slid to a stop in the harbor. Silira felt the shock in her feet, but, as always, didn't show it. Her face in the black hood was impassive and slightly morose, though this was supposed to be the official beginning of her life as a human, Past Unremembered. Instead, it felt like her funeral, and the welcoming tolling of the church bells sounded like a death knell.

The gangplank slammed down on the long stone dock. Captain Swordfish went down first, looking the picture of military precision. "Captain ashore!" his first mate, Tobacco, said, squinting not at the captain but at a man coming down the road on horseback. It was the lord of the tower on the hilltop, the governor of this part of Aeryn. He approached and dismounted easily, coming up to Captain Swordfish. "Sir!"

Lord Tiernan had dark brown hair tied back, a tall, wiry physique, and keen hazel eyes. His skin was weathered and tan, owing to the fact that he spent most of his time outside riding. He never entered a carriage if he could help it, preferring to ride from place to place on official business. His Lordship, like everyone else in Aeryn, loved the land itself, and being out in it. His long brown coat blew in the sea wind as he spoke to the captain, and Colin, who came down the gangplank as Tiernan was tying up his horse.

"Sir! Captain! I am Lord Tiernan, master of yon tower, known since the last war as the Keep. I welcome you to Caer Ebon."

"Your welcome is acknowledged," Captain Swordfish said. "Another happy landing. Lord Tiernan, meet Prince Corwin."

People were introduced. When the ten noble companions had gotten into the carriages, Corwin and the captain were still talking to Tiernan. Tiernan was describing the upcoming holiday festivities, when he stopped mid-sentence. He looked at the Falcon, keen eyes narrowed. "Who is that?"

Corwin turned. Silira was still sitting on the prow, spacing out. She had begun to think, and hadn't been able to stop herself, now in a brown study, looking at the flag flying from the Keep. Corwin called, "Lady Silent!"

She turned around slowly, then glanced at Tiernan and Swordfish. Oh, hurlage, she had stayed on the ship too long. She slid off the railing and walked coolly down to the two men, graceful as a cat. She smiled at Tiernan and Corwin explained the whole mute-dignitary thing. I must remember to forget the sea. Fear it. Reject it. Hate everything that could remind you of your past.

She shared a carriage with Corwin, Swordfish, and Tiernan. The crew of the ship would stay in the city or live in the ship until the visit was over on the New Year a month from now. She looked out the window, watching the sky. The view from here was nothing like from Mount Triumph, but it was still beautiful. Forested hills and mountains ranged into the distance.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Tiernan said, smiling. "I hope you all enjoy your stay in the Keep."

"I have been here once before, sir," the captain said. "I intend to."

"We all do," Corwin said cordially. He was already enjoying himself. As the lord and the captain discussed changes in Caer Ebon since Swordfish's last visit, Corwin leaned over and asked Silira quietly, "What's the matter?"

She was surprised he'd noticed, and was thankful she couldn't be expected to answer. "Tired?" he asked.

She nodded, smiling to give the impression it was no big deal, and looked out the window again.

The carriages reached the Keep, and Silira dismounted, looking, as ever, as if she felt no pain in the least. Lord Tiernan helped her down, being quite gentle about it, taking his time, but not so much time that it would seem weird. She tried not to be mad at him. After all, the man did not know what she suffered. They made their way into the Keep, talking or listening about the upcoming festivities. "Three days," Tiernan said, "until the holidays begin. Then, one glorious month later, the New Year arrives. Our world will gain the right to say, 'I have survived another glorious year."

He was leading Corwin and Silira up a long spiral stairway. "No, Mellerie, I'm deep in conversation." He waved away a maid in a plain white dress. "I will show these last two to their rooms. Now, sir, let me tell you our plan, unless you prefer to hear it later."

Colin yawned, trying to hide it. "No, it's all right. I'm wide awake and excited." They came up onto a landing, but Corwin thought they were still on the stairs, stumbled, and bumped into a bench. "Pardon me, sir," he apologized to it. Silira smiled. Thanks to the pain in her feet, she was, at least, wide awake.

Tiernan took a deep breath. "Your Highness, we always begin with a military parade. Bells ringing, trumpets, waving banners and shining swords. It's the fairest prospect you shall set eyes on...though perhaps our princess shall prove me wrong." He smiled. "Surely the fairest lady in the land will not fail to impress you."

Corwin blinked, becoming completely conscious. "No, sir."

Tiernan stopped walking. "Eh, Your Highness?"

Corwin shook his head. "No. My heart is promised to another, a lady I only saw once and may never see again. I don't even know her name. You might as well know that. I don't care who else does. Tell anyone you like."

Tiernan smiled enigmatically. "Ah, love. I'll keep it quiet. No need to drive our nobles shrieking mad."

Silira's room was lovely. It compassed half of a cross-section of the tower. Corwin's had the other half. There were thick red velvet curtains on the windows, a bearskin rug on the floor, and curtains on the bed. Silira sat on a window seat and looked out. A light snow was falling. It would probably melt soon...

She leaned back in the windowseat and fell asleep.

At about four o'clock, she woke up. She looked out the window at the city far below, smoothed her hair down, and left the room.

Outside, the wind had turned to a light breeze. Winter hadn't arrived yet, though the last leaves were falling and Silira could smell snow. She walked around the Keep, hood down, looking at the sweeping view of the mountains and the tall trees. It was quiet there. The only sound was her footsteps, the sea, and the faint noise of traffic in Caer Ebon. The quiet before the storm, she thought. Soon the whole city would be filled with the sound of celebration, but now there were only her footsteps...


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Sun Feb 25, 2018 6:39 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey lelu,

Shady back with another review for you. Let's get started...

Captain Swordfish ran up onto the deck, eating a swordfish sandwich for breakfast.


Hm. I feel like you might be pushing his last name a bit to hard here. I mean a captain of a ship with the last name being that of a fish gave me a bit of a pause in the last chapter, but it didn't seem too wildly outside the realm of possibilities. But Captain Swordfish eating swordfish? Eh. It feels like you're trying a bit too hard. Not loving it, honestly.

Colin came up on deck, wearing a black cloak with a red and white tunic and trousers underneath.


Here we have Colin again. Did Corwin's name used to be Colin? If so, I totally understand the slip up. I've had a similar issue in the past, when I've decided to switch a character's name mid-story. But it is important that you keep the names straight. For me, I found the "find and replace" feature in Word a really useful tool for this. You can set it to search "Colin" and replace with "Corwin" and it'll automatically comb through your story and help you get out all of the name changes you missed.

Caer Ebon was beautiful. Grey stone buildings covered a high hill, interspersed with dark trees whose golden leaves were almost all gone. Some were drifting away even now, the strong wind blowing them down to the ship. Two caught in Silira's hair. She didn't notice, but Corwin did, and smiled approvingly. She looked good with gold in her hair.


Again, your excellent descriptions come into play. Very nicely written. It gives us a great mental image of what she was looking at, and helps us to feel like we are taking a part in the scene -- which is what you want to aim for in your writing. Great job!

"Captain ashore!" his first mate, Tobacco, said,


Why name him Tobacco? Is that a nickname or a real name? I mean it's your story, and you're welcome to name him whatever you please -- but after the beautiful names you created for the mermaids and even for Corwin and his family, this feels a tad bit out of place.

Lord Tiernan had dark brown hair tied back, a tall, wiry physique, and keen hazel eyes. His skin was weathered and tan, owing to the fact that he spent most of his time outside riding. He never entered a carriage if he could help it, preferring to ride from place to place on official business. His Lordship, like everyone else in Aeryn, loved the land itself, and being out in it. His long brown coat blew in the sea wind as he spoke to the captain, and Colin, who came down the gangplank as Tiernan was tying up his horse.


<3333 Such amazing work. I can't stress enough how much I love your descriptions.

She slid off the railing and walked coolly down to the two men, graceful as a cat.


How? I've heard that sea legs are a pretty legit problem for people who spend weeks at sea. I would think that her first time, especially, would leave her wobbly and undignified.

She shared a carriage with Corwin, Swordfish, and Tiernan.


You just took time to specifically say that Lord Tiernan avoided carriages... why do you have him climbing into one so freely now? Without even a coy "well I usually don't ride in these things, but for my honored guests" or something?

~ ~ ~

I like that you kept this chapter a bit shorter than the others. It is probably just because it is excessively late in my timezone and I really shouldn't be awake right now (it's nearing 2 am) but my brain is getting tired and the shorter chapter was a nice break. In general I think your chapters are a good length, don't get me wrong, but I do enjoy having a shorter chapter thrown in here and there.

I do it with my own writing. It helps keep things fresh and exciting. And I think it was well placed here.

As with the other reviews, please don't take anything I said personally. I was critiquing the writing, not you yourself ;) That being said, if you do ever have any questions about what I said or want any clarification, feel free to hit me up. I'd be happy to discuss my comments or your story further with you.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




lelu says...


I named him Tobacco because of Hans Swordfish, which was meant to be a play on Han Solo from Star Wars. Their ship also. Perhaps I ought to change that.



lelu says...


You know, because of Chewbacca?



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Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:34 am
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camusic wrote a review...



Love it!! The part where you talked about Lord Tiernan and how he hated carriages was a tiny bit confusing. If it were me I would say something like the man refused to ride a carriage instead he always rode on horseback. Making him awfully tan. But that’s just me. Great beginning! Good job coming up with names for places and people, I personally struggle with that. Instead of comparing her to a cat I’d say more graceful than your average lady but that’s just me the cat comparison is great. Love lady silent! Really want to see where this goes keep writing!!




lelu says...


Thanks so much!! I love positive feedback and I'll take your advice about Lord Tiernan. I am collecting feedback from everyone's reviews and will eventually release Princess of the Sea with all the chapters united and fully revised.



camusic says...


Sounds good can%u2019t wait to read more of it!




"The adventures I enjoy are usually of a literary nature."
— Henry Winchester