Young Writers Society

Birk in a Box Entertainment™ Presents

Life: Commentated

Season three: Jeffrey

“Hello Hello! And welcome back to this, our third season of Life: Commentated! I’m your host, Jonathan Manga! And I’m here with Andy Cohen! Andy, welcome, how are you?”

“Great to be back at it with the show, Jon! It’s bound to be a hell of a season!”

Jeffrey, a man in his mid-twenties, stands in front of a mirror, toothbrush in hand. Due to sensitive gums, he’s gone ahead and purchased toothpaste without fluoride. He proceeds to brush vicariously.

“It sure is, Andy! More so than last season we have had viewer interest through the roof. Now then, how about we take a first look at our new man here?”

He spits, and then reaches for a bottle of mouthwash.

“Well, as you say, Jon, we’re back to a dude this season. Last’s season’s Fiona was a big hit, so let’s hope Jeffrey can give her a run for the money, eh?” Andy chuckles. “And as we can both see, Jeff is big on dental hygiene, ain’t he?”

“He sure is, Jon. Jeffrey is actually studying to become a dentist, is about to give up a side job waiting tables, lives in a flat downtown, and has been single for two years.”

In the bedroom, Jeffrey is rummaging through the closet. He fetches a couple of ties and compares them to his shirt. Then he pretends to hang himself with one of the ties before tossing them back into the closet, apparently intent on skipping the whole idea of a tie at all.

Beside him, behind a portable, makeshift commentary stand, are the hosts of Life: Commentated, Jonathan Manga & Andy Cohen. They’re both wearing big headphones and Andy’s sporting thick glasses. Both of them watch Jeff’s every move. He doesn’t notice their presence.

“And that’s exactly why we’re here, Andy. Tonight is a pretty special night for Jeff, as he’s about to head out for his first date in over a year!”

His hair is groomed all nicely, and he’s dressed up in a fancy button up shirt and tight, black denims. He eyes himself in the mirror, snaps his fingers once and winks at his reflection. “Lookin’ good, fella!” he tells himself.

“That’s a long time, and if we ignore the fact that he just talked to himself, we can talk about how his mother, yes his mother, is actually the one to enter him into the show.”

“Yes, let’s ignore that little moment.” Jon lets out a wheeze of a laugh. “And…and, his mother did indeed sign up her son, being quoted here; ‘He needs to get himself a nice girl, and if he can’t do that on his own, then somebody better tell him what he’s doing wrong’.

Both commentators laugh. Jeffrey checks his phone and then heads out of the room. He’s running late.

“And who better to let him know that than the entire 18 to 40 demographic of prime time TV, eh Jon?”

“I can’t think of anything better, Andy, but watch out now, he’s on the move!”

Simultaneously, both men grab hold of the makeshift commentator stand and haul it after Jeffrey, who’s headed for the exit. TV cameras follow their quick steps after him.

“Now, at this point it seems redundant to say this, but for any newcomers joining us: Jeffrey, nor anyone, can see either myself, Andy, or the filming crew. If you want to know the exact technique for this you can visit our website for a proper explanation. As usual, anything inappropriate will be blurred, and sensitive information bleeped.”

Outside, Jeffrey hurries to his car, unlocks it, and gets in. A cameraman is already in the front seat, and the commentators get in the back. Jeff checks his reflection in the rearview mirror, flashing his teeth. He brushes at them with his index finger. “Damn.”

“What’s happening, Jon?”

“Seems like Jeffrey is displeased with his earlier brushing of the teeth. Looks good to me, how about you, Andy?”

“Good on my end, but what’s this now? I see an error already!”

Jon frantically looks about the car, before he locks eyes with his co-host.

“The flowers!”

“The flowers, that’s right Jon. They’re back at the flat, in the hallway, if I remember correctly.”

A camera-shot of Jeff’s apartment hallway switches into view. The flowers, bright yellow daffodils, lie left behind. Then the camera cuts back to the car.

“Oh no no, that’s not the greatest way to show up to a date, Andy. Not when they had that fun conversation about flowers.”

“That’s true, that was a fun conversation. Let’s take a look.”

The picture shifts. The word ‘flashback’ covers the bottom section of the screen, which takes on a slight greenish tint.

A woman, Lena, is leaning against a counter. She’s surrounded by flowers and plants. Unsurprisingly, as she’s a florist, in the middle of her shop. Jeffrey is there, making some weird gestures with his hands.

“And that’s how I’d deal with competitive flower shops,” he announces.

She smiles. “Really, just blow them up?”

“Yup. All of them.”

“Wouldn’t that be suspicious? Every shop goes up in flame downtown…except mine?”

Jeff scans the area, and then turns back to her, smirk stenciled on his face. “We could leave behind a single daffodil. Clearing your name.”

“Because I don’t have daffodils,” she mockingly agrees.

“Well what kind of flower shop doesn’t have daffodils?” His bright, heavily brushed teeth turn up into a grin.

“Woah!”

The view shifts back to the car.

“Jeez!”

It’s a bumpy ride, and Jeffrey is pushing the speed limit to not be late. In the back, both commentators look ruffled. Jon’s headset has slid halfway down his head; the speaker-mic stands straight upwards, as if an alien’s antenna.

Moments later the car pulls up to a vacant lot, and after inspecting himself one last time in the rearview mirror, Jeffrey jumps out of the car. The crew follow suit. Outside, he stops, turns and views the car. “Damn,” he says, before continuing down the street. The oriental restaurant ‘O-kay’ isn’t far away.

“Well, looks like he’s remembered the daffodils. But don’t won’t help him much now, will it Andy?”

“Not at all. Unless he’s diving into one of these flower beds.”

He doesn’t, instead hurrying into O-kay with the crew in tow. Lena is already there and she gives Jeffrey a wave.

“Alright alright! Looks like we’re about to start tonight’s main event! Again, I’m Jonathan Manga, here with Andy Cohen, and welcome to game night!” Slowly, a crowd of sports supporters grow from a dull chant to a mighty roar through the TV speakers.

“It is indeed upon us now, Jon, and tonight’s goal is a successful date with Lena, which, if you’re seeing this Jon, is not off to the greatest of starts because Lena is already here!”

“Oh no! Late for the date! That is not good, and with the lack of flowers as well, Jeffrey here is already suffering less than ideal circumstances.”

“Hii!” Lena’s already got a table going, and Jeffrey approaches her and greets her with a quick hug.

“Hey! Sorry I’m a bit late,” his voice is calm, yet he appears overall strenuous.

She sits down at the table, and Jeff joins her. “Oh I just got here myself, don’t worry. You look so nice tonight!” she says. Both commentators follow their conversation closely from the makeshift stand they’ve quickly assembled besides their table.

“She said he looks good. That’s positive signs if any, yeah?”

“Yeah, but then again she complimented him first. I mean, here’s this girl, she looks gorgeous, and Jeffrey has so far failed to verbally acknowledge that.”

“Look who’s talking,” he says, “you look amazing!”

“Thank you!”

“YES!”

She waves the comment off. “Oh please, I don’t. You hungry?”

‘Starving’, he tells her. They both peruse the menus while the commentators spectate their every move.

“You know, I actually got you daffodils,” Jeff suddenly says.

“Really? You did?”

He leans back into the chair and smiles to her, though it soon fades. “Yeah, you know, trying to be clever and all, but…sort of forgot them at home.” He ends it with a weak chuckle, and Lena doesn’t really join in.

“Oh,” she says, offering up a tight smile before heading into the menu again.

“Didn’t really have to offer up that now, did he?”

“No he did not. Surely…surely that could have waited. Jon, what’s, what’s she doing? Looks like she’s trying to end any sort of continuation of this conversation here, ducking down into the menu.”

“This is not good, Andy.” Jon leans closer to the table. “She’s closely examining the drinks page, and we’re not even through the first two minutes.”

“Definitely bad. We need a good move from Jeffrey here.”

He’s thinking hard now, searching out a possible way to lighten the evening. “Hey,” he says, “weren’t you big on chow mein?”

“I thought you didn’t enjoy it,” Lena says, looking up from the menu.

“If you vouch for it, I’ll give it another go,” he says with a wink.

She smiles at that, and they both order chow mein. They resume small-talk about television series.

“That’s a nice deflect there from Jeffrey. Now there’s good dialogue going on.”

“Yeah, and in the nick of time too, Jon.”

“…so I never really got into it really,” Lena finishes.

Jeffrey has a pained look on his face.

“Wait wait wait!”

“What! No!”

“Jon, Jon, how is Jeffrey going to handle this now? Now we’ve come to an impasse he might not wanna cross.”

Jeff soon recovers and offers up a smile, albeit briefly. “How can you not get into Game of Thrones? It’s like, the best thing on TV right now.”

“Come on now, Jeff. Remember Life: Commentated is a thing too. You liked the first season.”

“I just didn’t like it when that guy died,” she laughs, reaching for her drink.

“That’s valid.”

“Sure.”

Jeff smooths his hair back while chuckling a bit too. “Yeah, that’s a rough one.”

“I do like that Viking show though.”

Both commentators lean in closer then, as if having to decipher any information closely. Their mouths are wide open. They look to Jeffrey.

And he smiles. “Vikings?” he asks joyously.

“Yeah, that’s pretty good.” She eyes his plate. “Do you not like the food?”

“Well, Jeff appears content with someone who at least follows one of the best shows at the moment, if not the best—but, Andy, what’s this?”

“This could be bad, Jon. Jeff has barely poked at his food!” Andy stands up and circles the table where the couple sits, peering down at the plate.

“Does he not like it? Oh no oh no!”

At once Jeffrey jumps into action, forking up a mouthful and shoveling it inside. “Oh no, no,” he says, uncultured, with his mouth full. “It’s great!”

Content, she returns to her own plate, asking him whether he’s seen some reality series he’s never heard of. He reveals he hasn’t, and she explains all about it. Andy the commentator returns to the stand. They both keep a watchful eye on them.

“Jeffrey is not looking well here, Jon.”

“No he does not. There’s a lot of sweat going on.”

Then Jeff excuses himself to the bathroom, and the crew follows him inside.

“This is not good. Andy, what’s happening with Lena?”

“She looks concerned, Jon. As anyone would be, the way Jeffrey is behaving. What is going on?”

Continued in part two!