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Young Writers Society


16+

Something More, Something Unique Chapter 10.2

by DeerInBacPac


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Attention! I will start every chapter with a quote and whoevers perspective it is in!

“Merry Krinishmish!” - Soldier 76 ((It’s what the voice line sounds like. I wasn’t really sure how to… quote it.))

Thank you @LordTachanka for the misheard quote! If you have a quote, go to my forum, Quotes!

Nayleth - Chapter 11.1

I wriggled around in my covers, not wanting to get up. I did not want to wake up to bleak walls and depressing people again.

Something nudged my shoulders. A hand.

Go away, Bird!” I hissed and wrapped the covers around me.

The hands ripped the covers off of me. It was Griffin.

I blinked dazedly. I just thought it was… I am still here… I am good, things.. things are okay. I wasn’t in Ripper. Intermudos. I was sitting on my bed, at Intermudos.

Rubbing my eyes, Griffin threw my clothes at me for the day. They smelled like pine trees.

“Thanks...” I mumbled, feeling bad for being snappy at him. Griffin only smiled at me, as if he saying that what I did, was okay.

I looked at the clothes that Griffin had given me. A Overwatch beanie hat (what was Overwatch?), black t-shirt and jeans. Looking up, Griffin was wearing a loose lilac sweatshirt and light gray comfy pants.

Grumbling because Griffin had gotten the comfier clothing, I trudge my way over to the bathroom to get dressed.

I froze.

In the mirror, I could see myself. Purple bags popped against my brown and blue eyes, my cheeks flustered and my hair was extremely greasy. My skin still contained traces of dirt and scratches from the thorns.

Deeply sighing, I changed out of my clothes, deciding to take a shower. Warm water… that would be such a nice change from the bone-cold showers at Ripper. And privacy. Man, that will be a wonderful change!

I turned on the shower after peeling my clothes off, making sure it was as hot as it could go. Steam billowed out, covering the mirror in seconds. I could hardly feel the warmth but didn’t think much of it. It still felt nice.

Taking a deep breath, water trickled over my lips and some fell into my mouth, but the warmth I could not feel. I was worried about this now. I should be able to feel it but… now I can’t. Why? 

I stepped out of the shower, putting on my new clothes. They fit perfectly, making me wonder how these clothes even got here. But before I could think further, the smell of cinnamon rolls pulled me from my thoughts.

Cinnamon rolls. I thought scurrying out of the bathroom and grabbing them from the tray that J had just pulled out the oven.

“Nayleth, no! You’ll burn yourself!” She hollered but before she could grab back the roll, I shoved it into my mouth, grabbing some of the icing that sat on the counter.

J just stared at me and so did Sully.

“Nayleth, show me your form. Griffin, you too.” J ordered, stomping her foot against the floor of the kitchen.

I looked over at Griffin, halting the chewing of the roll. I didn’t want to. It would ruin the clothing and it hurt like hell.

Griffin looked over at J, shaking his head.

J just looked back skeptically.

Now.”

I shook my head.

N-O-W.”

I looked over at Griffin, my eyes low. Neither of us wanted too. But J wouldn’t let up. I could feel Sully’s gaze. He was watching us.

I looked at J, shaking my head.

Her pulse was getting quicker. She was getting pissed.

Panic spread across me like a tornado in a prairie. At Ripper, when people got mad (usually the patients), it never ended well. Most of the time I was the blame. The punching bag, in a way, for caretakers.

I felt my wings emerge, my body reacting by me curling over in pain. My spine felt like it was shattered than mended, my lungs trying to expand enough in my panic and sudden transformation. My head, on the other hand, felt like it was exploding and the rest of my body was just, too painful for it to realize that it actually hurt.

Sully just about screeched like a fangirl or fanboy, freaking out as if his favorite OTP had just become cannon. J just stared, dumbfounded.

A sudden calm washed over me, like I wasn’t so alone. Griffin looked at me, curious as I was. We need to talk to Mark. There was more to being a Keeper then he told us.

But then I could feel myself freaking out on the inside, a panic attack arriving. I felt queasy, like I was going to throw-up. My brain felt scattered and I was beginning to shake. J almost yelling at me, it replayed in my brain, the only thing I could think of.

“Griffin,” I said. I could feel tears forming. I held them back. “Sully? Someone?!

Griffin looked at me, confused. Sully just stood there, still dumbfounded by my form.

With a shaking hand, I grabbed his, tugging it.

“Nayleth, w-whats wrong?” He said, worried.

A tear rolled down my cheek. I hugged him as tight as I could, Griffin surprised. He hugged me back, slightly wary.

“Wanna talk later?” He whispered just loud enough for me to hear.

I nodded my head against his chest. He hugged me tighter and I was beginning to calm down. Hugs helped me. So did warm things, places.

I let go of Griffin looking at J. She was wide-eyed.

“Don’t yell at me. Ever.” I hissed at her. Sully just watched me.

She nodded slowly and headed toward the door, telling us to follow.

I felt a cold hand rest on my shoulder.

“Well, that was interesting. But you will need to explain to them soon. Also, anymore cocoa?” Grim asked, his voice gravely and deep. It was like nails against a chalkboard. Almost.

Me and Griffin both jumped at the sound of his voice. I had forgotten he was even here. I didn’t answer his question when we left to head to classes and changed back to my dormant state. 


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Wed Feb 21, 2018 2:24 pm
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review! :D

“Go away, Bird!” I hissed and wrapped the covers around me.


I get that you italicize the dialogue to have it sound more emphasized, but you already say the protagonist hisses, so there's no need for that.

Rubbing my eyes, Griffin threw my clothes at me for the day.


Yeah, I don't think you want to phrase the sentence this way. If I put the first section to the back, it'll turn out like this:

Griffin threw my clothes at me for the day, rubbing my eyes.


And I'm sure you want Nayleth to rub his own eyes. Just say, 'As I rubbed my eyes...'

I think you can cut the shower part. It doesn't seem like something important to the plot, although when you mention he can't feel the warmth, it does sound like something to be curious of. But still, you can cue in the information afterwards, so either cut the part or summarize it in a paragraph.

Sully just about screeched like a fangirl or fanboy, freaking out as if his favorite OTP had just become cannon.


While this part is quite funny, it breaks up the mood. Everything has been intense until we get to this part. Since it disrupts the flow, I think it's better to cut it.

Sorry for suggesting you to cut a few things. I think you can focus more on description and characters - by characters, I'm talking about those other than Nayleth. He does a pretty remarkable thing, so I hope I can see more reaction from the others. I'm pretty sure this is something that shouldn't be made fun of, so avoid describing Sully's screech as something a fangirl/boy does.

Also, there's a slip up in tenses here and there. Not going to point them out as I'm sure you can find them by yourself.

I'm also confused about the Keeper thing. Like, though I haven't read the previous chapters, I get that it has something to do with having wings, but you don't mention when the transformation is over here. Like, when Nayleth hugs Griffin, I don't know if he still has his wings on. I assume not, but I'm not sure.Not to mention, you miss the part where Griffin transforms - I don't know if he has wings just like Nayleth or it's something else. Seeing Nayleth refer to them both as Keepers, I assume he has the same wings but this isn't shown in the chapter.

So yeah, that's all I have to say. There are a lot of characters in this chapter so I don't have a strong sense of character from all of them except for Nayleth, Griffin, and J (kind of). Keep improving! :D




DeerInBacPac says...


Griffin is not a dragon, like Nat. I really should go back and fix that...

thanks!



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Sun Jan 21, 2018 12:18 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Flumadiddle. Sorry it's taken me a while to get to this. As usual, I'll put small grammar/expression changes in blue. I'm probably not going to comment on punctuation quite as thoroughly, because I know that you're trying to sort that in your own time. Let's get straight to it!

Small Comments

I blinked dazedly. I just thought it was… I am still here… I am good, things.. things are okay. I wasn’t in Ripper.


Grumbling because Griffin had gotten the comfier clothing, I trudge my way over to the bathroom to get dressed.


I spotted a few tense slippages. These continue throughout the chapter, so definitely look out for them and fix them when you edit this. You mostly tend to slip into present tense instead of past, and sometimes you use 'will' rather than the appropriate 'would'.

Purple bags popped against my brown and blue eyes, my cheeks were flustered and my hair was extremely greasy.


I'm not sure what you mean by the bold. Fluster means to 'make (someone) agitated or confused', so I don't really get how cheeks could be flustered. Did you mean 'flushed'?

Cinnamon rolls. I thought scurrying out of the bathroom and grabbing them from the tray that J had just pulled out the oven.

“Nayleth, no! You’ll burn yourself!” She hollered but before she could grab back the roll, I shoved it into my mouth, grabbing some of the icing that sat on the counter.

J just stared at me and so did Sully.

“Nayleth, show me your form. Griffin, you too.” J ordered, stomping her foot against the floor of the kitchen.


Two things here. I don't really get the point of the whole cinnamon roll moment. It's over so quickly and doesn't seem to add anything to the chapter, and honestly just felt a bit random to read. Unless it's to further illustrate that she can't feel heat, presumably because she's a dragon? Maybe make that clearer.

Also, the transition between the moment where Nat eats the cinnamon roll to when J asks her to reveal her true form is pretty jerky. It feels like a beat of the scene is missing, as if you snipped a few seconds from a film reel. The topic doesn't shift smoothly enough.

I looked over at Griffin, halting the chewing of the roll. I didn’t want to. It would ruin the clothing and it hurt like hell.

Griffin looked over at J, shaking his head.

J just looked back skeptically.

“Now.”


Okay, why is J so ridiculously demanding about this? And why doesn't Nayleth tell her why she doesn't want to change forms? It just feels like this whole exchange is deliberately engineered so that Nayleth has a reason to have a panic attack. It doesn't feel natural.

Sully just about screeched like a fangirl or fanboy, freaking out as if his favorite OTP had just become canon.


To be honest, I don't feel like this is the best metaphor to go with, because the majority of people aren't going to know what 'OTP' and 'canon' mean. Only fandom suckas (like myself) will be familiar with the terms, so a lot of your audience would just read that and think 'what?'

Overall Thoughts

1) Okay, so it's good that we're getting more insight into Nayleth's vulnerability. It definitely makes sense that she would have residual trauma from having been kept captive in Ripper, and for it to manifest as panic attacks fits well. However, I feel like it's a bit...pushed in? It's very sudden, as well. We've had ten chapters of her being moderately well-adjusted, then BAM, panic attack. Obviously, people can hide mental illnesses well and be very stoic about them, but she's the POV character a lot of the time. It seems strange that it's taken this long for us to find this out about her.

2) The chapter is also pretty disjointed as well. If this is supposed to be 10.2 (you can change the title of your work by clicking the 'edit' button, by the way), it doesn't flow very easily from the previous half of the chapter. Seeing as Grim has just been introduced, I'd expect him to remain as the focus, but you neglect that storyline and instead veer off to explore Nayleth's anxiety. It gives me plot whiplash. I don't get why her anxiety is coming up now of all times.

3) As I may have touched on before, your characters need to interact more. I felt like there was a substantial shortage of dialogue in this chapter. It's not like you have to fill a quota, but I often feel like there are moments where your characters should talk, but don't. Like at the end - when Nayleth tells J not to yell at her, I don't believe that J wouldn't respond with some kind of apology or excuse. It sort of comes across like you're not sure what they would say, so you just have them not say anything so you can move onto the next bit.

I shall leave this review here. On the one hand, I do like that we're getting more insight into the knock-on effects of Nayleth's time in Ripper, but I feel like it's the wrong time and place. This kind of information needs to be woven throughout the entire story, not delivered in one half-chapter far into the narrative. It would be a lot more interesting if you focused more on the lovely Grim. I want to see the plot moving forward, because it's been in quite a slow slump for a while, moseying round the same concepts without much idea of where its heading. Exploring Nayleth's anxiety might build character, but it does not advance the plot, which is what I'm really keen for right now.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Mon Jan 15, 2018 5:32 am
DeerInBacPac says...



@DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @DarkPandemonium @Irislillygray @Steggy @jimss23 @WhosabellCanWrite @LadyLizz

Also, this should be 10.2, not 11.1.





I would be a terrible novel protagonist.
— mellifera