Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Literature

12+ Mature Content

Swimming

by Lake


-Swimming-

I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness

and I feel like the darkenss is slowly pulling me under

I yell for help but no one is there to hear it

I begin to see the water at eye-level

and I kick and I flail

fighting to stay above the darkness

But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me

and I slowly begin to give in

to the feeling that lies below the waterline

the water starts to fill my lungs

the lungs that once held so much life

yet now they allow the murky water to replace that

I know this path doesn't lead to happiness

But why doesn't someone grab my hand?

Pull me from the darkest grasps?

because no one knows I stand at the boundary

the boundary between light and dark

so I give in to the thing that holds me

All of the strength and all of the courage

that I once held in my heart

can't save me from the water

So I slowly slip below the world of consciousness

undetected by the occupants of that world

I don't want to fight anymore

I've given into the darkness...


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
606 Reviews


Points: 5403
Reviews: 606

Donate
Mon Mar 12, 2018 9:36 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here for a review. Please note that any comment I give is meant to help and not to offend. But if I accidentally do offend, you have my apologies beforehand.


Thanks for sharing this poem that seems to express the state of great depression that the speaker is experiencing and which he or she likens to a struggle not to drown in a dark pool of water. What exactly that darkness is isn't clarified nor hinted. A reader is just told how the speaker feels. Of course that engenders empathy and deep concern in normal humans and since empathy seems to be what the poem is seeking then it must be deemed a success in the majority of cases unless the reader happens to be of the extremely callous kind who doesn't care or else enjoys inflicting and observing human suffering.

Suggestions

Since I hesitated at the end of each line wondering whether to stop or pause, I would have preferred a traditionally punctuated poem.

I would find synonyms for darkness to avoid word repetition. One way to avoid word repetitions is by using pronouns. Another is by using synonyms such as gloom, shadow, submerge, denizens, surrender to, release, succumb, abundant, binds, below, liquid.

Interesting poem. Looking forward to reading more of your work.




User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 87
Reviews: 47

Donate
Tue Jan 16, 2018 7:46 pm
CocoaCat says...



Dat's great, keep up the good work!




User avatar
204 Reviews


Points: 1929
Reviews: 204

Donate
Mon Jan 15, 2018 1:47 am
View Likes
Flumadiddle wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :smt020 :smt015

So, to start off this review the first thing I noticed is that a TON of lines are missing commas. I wil say this again. If. You. Are. Not. Putting. In. Commas. Or. Thing. Alike. Put. That. In. An. Authors. Note. PLEASE. It would save us reviews a TON of time, so please, next time, do that. So, the lines that need commas would be "I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness", "I yell for help but no one is there to hear it", "I begin to see the water at eye-level", "and I kick and I flail", "But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me", "and I slowly begin to give in", "to the feeling that lies below the waterline", "the water starts to fill my lungs", "the lungs that once held so much life", "I know this path doesn't lead to happiness", "because no one knows I stand at the boundary", "the boundary between light and dark", "so I give in to the thing that holds me", "All of the strength and all of the courage", "So I slowly slip below the world of consciousness", "undetected by the occupants of that world" and "I don't want to fight anymore". Besides that, I loved the poem!

The meaning of the poem, lets see if I can get it right! So, in this poem, you are talking about, well, writing about to us, the readers, about deppression. How you are struggling and then how you finally give in and you are kinda ok with that.

Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! So, happy Valentines Day and MLK day! I really need to go now, Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!




Lake says...


You have been the only one here telling me about the commas!XD I'm happy for that!!! And hello to you Grim! Pollution locked herself away in my basement for a month for no reason!XD I think she feels the same things as I do!XD



User avatar


Points: 50
Reviews: 4

Donate
Sun Jan 14, 2018 5:02 pm
View Likes
TessAchtermann wrote a review...



I struggle with depression so I can relate to this on so many levels. It is beautifully write and the metaphors and similes are gorgeous. I felt a little bit lost at the begining adding some more exposition might help. overall it great.

"But why doesn't someone grab my hand? Pull me from the darkest grasps?" was really good imagery and I could really feel your emotions." So I slowly slip below the world of consciousness undetected by the occupants of that world I don't want to fight anymore I've given into the darkness..." was relay powerful and I could totally relate.

hope to see some more of your work, and you totally deserve to be featured. Also i hope this helped.


~Tess




User avatar
11 Reviews


Points: 934
Reviews: 11

Donate
Sat Jan 13, 2018 7:56 pm
LKSpinoza wrote a review...



I think you've reached a poetic milestone,my friend. This is the one of your best poems so far. It's epic, it's beautiful, it's real. The darkest one but the one that reflects one's inner battle. Battle one has against him/herself. Wins or loses but never ties. Emotional warfare in an island of a pacifist tribe. ] I love also the way you begin. You show how you dive into the darkness. In the place no one wants to go. And the end is sudden and dark. You give up. It sounds like a protagonist has a moral crisis and if this one has even a slightest truth in it you can tell me about it. I will try to help you. I like dark poems. Because of two reasons. first one is because everyone has moments like this and is relatable . The second reason is because it's a poem and more often than not it's a fiction, not real. If it's about what you really feel than I would tell you you should never give up, because we all have been there. So have I. I've been there, I've done that. (I haven't given up though and neither should you. ;) ) Many people have been through it and you're not the exception. let there be Love and Piece.




Lake says...


Thanks!XD But this isn't a milestone for me, at least I think it's not! But it is based on true events, and I just don't know who to trust anymore with my problems. This is based off how my memories of trying to kill myself came back to play. And I almost did it again two weeks ago for entirely different reasons...but if I feel like it, I will come to you!:)



User avatar
122 Reviews


Points: 3831
Reviews: 122

Donate
Sat Jan 13, 2018 4:41 pm
Lake says...



I'm sorry you guys if this makes you feel upset or anything negative...

@Flumadiddle @DemonGoddess @Lumi @WhosabellCanWrite @woahhitherepal @emolemon (my emocinnafiutbun of glaze! XD) @Danni88 @EternalRain @snowmonkey9 @Begstita1 @SqueakieSilverShadow @KatjaDawn @TheBlueCat @saentiel @LKSpinoza @Iggy @SpaceSnickerdoodle @RavenLord @Omnom @MJTucker @Helena13 @jemming17 @AnneTaylor @Sheytato @nickelgotyourback @Rydia @VegasLights @CocoaCat @KatieC @269609


I apologize in advance again if you guys feel uncomfortable or you hate it...






awe dont apologize pal i love this poem a lot (:





Hiya! Nah, I'm sure I'll love it.



Lake says...


thanks





Hey CinnaLake! I know how you feel, this is where I get stuck when my depression takes control, and on my worse days, I'll wake like this. Just don't get so lost, that even I lose you. Please, I'll be here.




As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie