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Ashura: A World of Swords and Magic Chapter 14

by kman134


Colorful lights danced around as the sound of blades striking at one another echoed. The air was filled with dust and debris and the summoning room was nothing but rubble. It was hard to see what was going on with all the ethereal smoke around me, which was a big disadvantage for what was coming my way as its pungent smell burned my nostrils. Jetting towards me was a beam of blue light, which I dodged but not before feeling its burning touch graze against my right leg. The pain subsided, but the irritation remained. I landed back on my feet and raised my sword. Turning to my right, I saw Grimhilda holding her mallet up and slamming it to the ground, sending out a three-way wave of rigid stones to burst out of the floor and straight towards her five opponents. She called that move the “triple-wave cataclysm”, which fit the attack perfectly.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to hit them as one of the councilmen raised his hand and generated a force field that protected them from the dwarf girl’s attack.

“Oh, come on! You got to be kidding me!” shouted Grimhilda. Raising her eyes, she stared in bewilderment with her arms falling and her mouth agape.

They quickly retaliated with one of them summoning a whip from thin air and striking Grimhilda against the side of her face. They sent the dwarf girl flying as she landed five feet away from where she was standing. her war hammer was knocked out of her hand and had the air knocked right out of her.

I wanted to run towards her and lend her my assistance. Just then, the sound of static appeared behind me. I spun around and stopped to see Keya waving her staff as she tried to summon her power. However, with lightning speed, one of the councilmen dashed towards her and slammed his fist against her abdomen. She gasped with her eyes widened. She fell to her knees and coughed while making a retching sound.

“Keya!”

My heart sank at the sight of it. Seeing her graveling in pain was unbearable to while hearing her gasping for air made it even worse.

“Seriously?! Is that all you’ve got?! I thought you, elves, were the masters of magic, but here I am fighting an amateur little girl!” Swaggering up to her was the burly councilman who knocked her down. His tall stance towered over the petite elf girl as he extended his large hands wrapped around her head. Lifting his leg, I writhed at the sight of him slamming her face against his knee, knocking a tooth out of her mouth while droplets of blood spilt all over the floor.

The sight made my blood boil. kicking my heels, I dashed right at the guy with my sword raised and ready to strike. The guy took notice of me and dropped Keya hard on the ground. I slashed by blade up, but my eyes widened when he blocked my assault with the side of his arm. There wasn’t even a scratch on him or any sign of blood dripping.

He snickered with his brows narrowed. He grabbed the back of my head and brought it close to his face. “Did you really think it would be that easy to hack me up! My combat magic allows me to shield my body from any oncoming threats, and even if someone like you was capable of inflicting any damage, then it would be no different from a mosquito bite!”

The man mused, which was very unnerving. Seeing my sword baring grazing the guy was like trying to injure Achilles. Cocking his hand back, he threw me across the room with all his might and I landed on top of something small and skinny. I leaned back up and rubbed my head. it was throbbing and the landing might have given me a concussion. I placed it in front of my view and cringed at the sight of blood on the palm of my hand.

Suddenly, a groan alerted me. I looked down and was shocked at what I saw. I had landed on top of Leni who was completely out cold with her clothes ruffled up and the blades of her daggers scattered all over the floor in pieces. I got up and helped the Halfling girl get back on her feet. “Leni! I’m so sorry! please, wake up!” I attempted to shake her awake, hoping that she would snap out of it, but the only thing that came out was a painful moan.

This was a nightmare. Everywhere I turned to, all of my friends were getting pummeled to the ground and we were about to be massacred with ease. I underestimated these councilmen and the power they possessed. Suddenly, my body tensed when a maniacal laugh appeared behind me.

“Do you see the difference of power you have compared to the awesome might of the council?” I snapped my neck around and glared. Representative Kar sauntered over with his hands grasped together. the grin on his face was wide and terrifying, which was befitting for the fat slime ball. “the plan was perfect. You got into the suit, we take control of your body, and you herald a new age for mankind in Ashura. When you think about it, everything that has befallen onto your friends is all your fault.”

I scowled while I gritted my teeth. I wanted to punch him in his sorry face and knocking out all of his teeth. However, the more he talked, the more I was starting to think he was right. if I had just complied, then none of this would be happening to my friends. Knock it off, Akio! Don’t let his words get to you! He’s just trying to gaslight the situation just to make you feel guilty! I clenched my fists in anger and hissed.

Representative Kar reached down and offered me his hand, wanting me to take it as a gesture of compliance. “Now, why don’t you surrender yourself to the council and I swear we will spare your friends’ lives.”

I looked him right in the eye and from the glimmer I could see the deceit. That was the final straw. I quickly swung the back of my fist directly at his face and watched him tumble aback while he placed a hand on his face. The widen grin he had disappeared and was replaced with a toothy frown, which was much more disturbing than his smile.

“You little bastard! You’ll pay for that!” he threatened. Raising his wand, it bgan to glow as it charged. Then he pointed it at me and fired a beam.

I braced for impact as it came right at me. Suddenly, a voice appeared from out of nowhere. Shield yourself, young fool. Don’t let that corrupt bureaucrat best you in this battle. It was coming from the sword and, out of desperation, I complied and followed its’ orders. I raised the sword up to my face and watched as the beam bounced off the blade, ricocheting away and colliding with both sides of the room.

The blade glowed blue, having absorbed a partial of the energy. That’s it, boy. Now, focus on the blade and give that bloated pig a taste of his own medicine. Where the hell was this voice a couple of days ago, during that zombie attack was what I thought. Watching the representative taking a step back, I could see the fear in his eyes.

“No1 that’s impossible! Someone of your caliber isn’t supposed to master the sword’s absorption technique!” Sweat began to fall from his brow. He was losing his composure, becoming intimidated by the power I had shown.

“You used deceit and trickery to bend me to your will, and you even sunk so low as to endanger my friends.” I strutted over with my blade grazing onto the floor. Sparks flew of the metal from the friction against the stone. Baring my fangs, I glared right at the fat bastard and raised my sword. “Just who the hell do you think we are?!”

I horizontally slashed my blade, watching a wave of energy emit out of it and striking the councilman right at his abdomen, sending him flying straight in the air and slamming him onto the wall where the patio stood. The battle ceased as the councilmen and my friends stopped and turned their attention towards me. I smirked coyly while I stood straight up with pride.

The rubble started to move. rising out of the debris, Representative Kar stood up and staggered. “You, insolent peasant! How dare you lay a hand on a noble like me! You’ll pay for this, I swear!” He was bruised and bloodied with his robe ripped and tattered from the impact. However, I could tell he was still capable of fighting from the way he retained his battle stance. He wasn’t the only one who was miffed. The other councilmen were already coming at me and, with their combined might, they were able to do me in with ease.

I gazed at the blade and saw that it was still glowing, albeit faintly. There wasn’t enough energy left to fight them all. So, an idea popped into my head. pointing my blade upward, I concentrated with my brow furrowed and my breathing slowing down. The light of the blade began to glow brightly and it fired like a pistol, blasting a blue ball of energy up into the air and turned to my friends.

“Keya! Shield your eyes!” she immediately complied and closed her eyes. since the other two were knocked out, I didn’t have to worry.

I covered my eyes and a loud explosion appeared followed by a series of screams and wails.

Once it was over, I uncovered my eyes and looked around. All twelve members of the council fell to the ground while they wreathed in pain.

“I can’t see!”

“My eyes!”

“What’s going on! All I see is whiteness!”

“It’s that damn brat’s fault! When I find him, I’m going to wring his neck!”

Taking this opportunity, I ran over and helped Keya up.

“Keya. Are you okay?” Her face was swollen on one side with blood trickling from her lips and her right eye turned purple. I saw a tear trail down her cheeks, which she wiped off before wincing from touching her bruise.

“Y-yeah, I’m alright. come on, let’s get the others and get the hell out of here before the councilmen recuperate.” I grabbed Grimhilda while Keya grabbed Leni. Then we sprinted out of what remained of the summoning room and straight down the hallway. We didn’t where to go as we turned to the first corner we saw. if we had a map of the catacombs, then it would have been easier to find our way out.

Up in front of us was a fork in the hallway. We didn’t know whether to go left or right “I think it’s this way!”

“You think or you know!” Keya retorted.

“Can’t you just give me a little faith! I’m sure that this is the right one on the left!”

“Hey! I’m not the one who got us right back to the summoning room after turning to the right corner!”

“Give me a break! Anyone could make that mistake!”

We were so determined to escape that we started getting frustrated by the lack of results. It wasn’t easy moving around when you’re holding a dwarf girl in your arms like a baby while had her war hammer tied to your back. Keya was no different either as she had Leni on her back, giving her a piggyback ride as she carried her around. Luckily, the bickering came to an end when we heard voices coming from behind us.

“They’re down here! I can hear their voices bouncing off the walls!”

“Hurry up and capture them before they escape!”

putting aside our argument for later, we both took a right and ran as fast as we could through the halls.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

30 minutes had passed and we finally found our way out of the catacombs. We stopped to catch our breath as we stood outside at the tower’s entrance way.

“Are you good?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

Keya nodded. The bruise had open and blood started to trickle down her face. I needed to get her away, so that we could treat it before it got infected. Getting back on our feet, we continued on foot and nearly reached out the city. Sadly, it wasn’t going to be that easy. A howl emanated from the distance and the two of us halted. Behind us was a large pack of parere wolves counting by the hundreds and with their eyes glowing blue, they were ready to advance as they growled furiously. Then we heard a maniacal laugh in the air. Our faces became pale as we saw representative Almas standing on top of the skyscraper’s balcony with a shiner on her face and a missing incisor.

“You fools didn’t think you were going to make it out here that easily, did you? Now you will know why they call me the ‘wolf queen’.” She blew her fingers to a high frequency and all the wolves charged at once. We were too weak to fight. So, we ran away as fast as we could.

Passing through the fence that surrounded the city, the two of us spotted a dark opening within the trees. We dashed through the woods, a mile away from the city and didn’t stop for a breather. Zig-zagging throughout in hopes of finding a good hiding place. The barking got louder and louder, telling us the wolves were getting closer. We examined the vicinity, but couldn’t find any cover to no avail.

“Akio. What do we do?”

“I don’t know, Keya. I seriously don’t know.”

Finally, our prayers were answered. We sprinted to the left and jumped. The sound of water splashing appeared while we submerged ourselves. Opening my eyes, I was surrounded by a large body of water and, fortunately, Keya was floating beside. We held our breaths and waited for the wolves to overlook us and leave five minutes went by and we need to ascend to the surface before we both ran out of air. Luckily, the pack left and probably returned to their mistress. Getting out of the lake, we staggered back on dry land and inhaled the sweet, sweet oxygen around us.

We looked at one another and laughed. “That was a close one. I thought for sure we were about to get mauled.”

“Well, at least we can put this whole ordeal behind…” Just then, a cough was heard. Keya and I gasped at the sight before us.

Grimhilda was gargling on the water that she had inhaled and was spurring erratically. Leni was the same as well, and we were frozen in place on what to do. The two were still unconscious and while they could still breath, they were completely oblivious to their surroundings. We gingerly lowered the dwarf girl and the Halfling girl onto the ground and was about to perform CPR. The only knowledge I had was from television, which might not be the best source, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Prying Grimhilda’s mouth open, I took a deep breath and exhaled it between her lips. Then I softly pushed against her chest to get her lungs working again. Over and over, I kept on trying, but she didn’t wake up and throughout the process, a wave of guilt struck me like a freight train. This is all my fault. I wasn’t strong enough to save any of you. Keya was saddened by the sight of my tears as she frowned.

On the fifth try, Hilda coughed and spat out the water in her lungs. Her eyes fluttered open and she weakly reached out for me.

“Akio? Wha…what happened?”

“Oh, thank god! You’re alive!” I cheered while I hugged the dwarf girl. I was waiting for her to push me back. Instead, she returned the embrace.

A few minutes later, I did the same to Leni. Grimhilda’s eyes widened in confusion, but when Keya informed her that I did the same thing to her, her face turned red and crawled under while she laid on the ground in a fetal position. Right after I placed my lips onto her for a third time, I noticed her eyes were open as her body began to jerk. I moved away with a shocked expression and felt the sting of the Halfling girl’s hand smacking against my face. “W-what do you think you’re doing?!”

“S-sorry! This isn’t what it looks like!” I said while I rubbed the side of my face. Waving a hand nonthreateningly, I did my best to calm her down as she motioned away with her fists barred. “You drowned and I was trying to save your life!”

“By taking advantage of me while I was unconscious?!” I could see this was not going anywhere. Fortunately, Keya and Grimhilda (who was still embarrassed) stepped in and defended me. The elf girl and I filled the two in on what happened and both of them were dumbstruck. Leni turned her attention back at me and thanked me for saving her life.

Letting out a deep sigh, Leni grimaced while she pursed her lips. “So, what are we going to do now?”


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641 Reviews


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Sun Feb 25, 2018 12:01 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, kman134. I've not read any of the previous chapters of this novel, but it's been kicking around in the Green Room for a long time now so I thought I'd drop in to give you whatever feedback I can. I'm just going to comment on the chapter as I go along then round off with some overall thoughts. Let's get to it!

It was hard to see what was going on with all the smoke, which was a big disadvantage for what was coming my way. Coming towards me was a beam of blue light, which I dodged but not before feeling its’ burning touch graze against my right leg. The pain subsided, but the irritation remained.


1) Your description here is quite removed and clinical. It doesn't really put me in the scene. Can you describe the smoke in a bit more detail - the shape of it, the colour of it, the smell of it, the taste of it in the air? Think about verbs, as well. 'Coming towards me' gets the job done, but it's quite a bland way of describing the image. If the beam launched towards him, or it jetted towards him, we might get a stronger sense of the speed and physicality.

2) 'Its' doesn't need an apostrophe. Pronouns like hers, his, its, theirs and ours never require apostrophes.

the dwarf girls' attack.


As there is only one dwarf girl, this should be written as 'the dwarf girl's attack.

She gasped with her eyes widened as she was taken aback. She fell to her knees and coughed, making a retching sound as she looked like she was about to vomit.


You do have a habit of over-describing. This is supposed to be a fast-paced action scene, which means you have to pick your images and keep them fleeting. Dwell too much on every aspect of the characters' reactions and you'll slow the scene down too much. It isn't really important that we know Keya has widened eyes.

Some of the information is just unnecessary, as well. If someone's eyes are wide, we can guess that they're taken aback. If someone's retching, we can guess they're about to vomit. Don't spoonfeed the reader everything.

“Did you really think it would be that easy to hack me up! My combat magic allows me to shield my body from any oncoming threats, and even if someone like you was capable of inflicting any damage, then it would be no different from a mosquito bite!”


Hmm, this antagonist is seeming pretty cliché. I don't have much interest in villains who proclaim their prowess to everyone around them, not unless it's deliberate satire. This seems rather on the pantomime side so it doesn't ring true for me.

the sound of groaning alerted me.


I notice you often use the construction 'a sound of >something<'. Why not just say 'a groan alerted me'? Brevity is crucial in writing, especially in action scenes.

I braced for impact as it came right at me. Suddenly, a voice appeared from out of nowhere. Shield yourself, young fool. Don’t let that corrupt bureaucrat best you in this battle. It was coming from the sword and, out of desperation, I complied and followed its’ orders. I raised the sword up to my face and watched as the beam bounced off the blade, ricocheting away and colliding with both sides of the room.


I like the drama of this moment. I'm slightly confused as to how he would instantly know the voice was coming from the sword, though. Unless it's spoken to him before?

When I find him, I’m going to ring his neck!”


The correct spelling is 'wring'.

“Hey! I’m not the one who got us right back to the summoning room after turning to the right corner!”

“Give me a break! Anyone could make that mistake!”

Keya and I were at each other’s throats.


You don't need to say they're at each other's throats when that's obvious from the dialogue.

Grimhilda was gargling on the water that she had insufflated and was spurring erratically.


Personally, I wouldn't use such an obscure term as 'insufflated'. It breaks the immersion when the reader has to go and look up an unfamiliar word. Just using 'inhaled' or 'breathed in' would make it a lot more clear.

Fortunately, Keya and Grimhilda (who was still embarrassed) stepped in and defended me.


Would people really be that embarrassed about being given CPR? I mean, c'mon, there's literally nothing sexy about it. It's to stop you from dying.

Overall Thoughts

Okay, this is obviously a bad chapter to come in on with no prior knowledge, but I think I get the gist of it. What to improve? First things first: grammar. There's a lot of miscellaneous errors in this chapter - usually missing question marks or sentences without capital letters. Remember to edit and proofread your work a couple of times before you publish it on YWS, because it's no fun for reviewers to have to bog down reviews with trivial grammar advice.

What do I think of the characters? Well, I obviously have limited knowledge about them, but characterisation should be present across a whole novel so I should still have a sense of their personalities. As it stands, none of them really grabbed me. The villains in particular struck me as being quite flat and stereotypical, and none of the protagonists stood out to me as notably different from each other. This could probably be helped if you differentiated the characters' dialogue a little more. When characters have unique ways of speaking, it goes a long way to making them feel distinct. This goes for villains as well. You should never write a character merely as A Villain - they should be developed individuals with their own wants, habits and personality traits. The most interesting villains always have unique quirks and characteristics.

I think the most major flaws with this chapter lie in the pacing of the second scene. While the first scene develops at quite a nice pace, the second scene feels very rushed. You don't go into any real detail about how the characters get to the forest, so the whole sequence just feels a bit jerky and gappy. I don't get how Grimhilda suddenly started choking on the lake water. I didn't get what happened in the hour before the narrator gave Leni the kiss of life, either. The whole sequence needs smoothing out and clarifying a lot more. It feels like you were getting impatient while you wrote it.

I'm not sure if you're still writing this, but I think it definitely has the bones of a good story. These kind of high-action fantasy stories aren't really my thing, but I think it would definitely appeal to a lot of people. There were some dramatic moments in the first scene; I'm quite intrigued by the idea of the talking sword. However, you need to ease up on your hurried pacing in the second scene and work more on differentiating the voices of your characters.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




kman134 says...


Yeah, this chapter was a rush job and had to take up where the last chapter left off, but you really should have read the previous chapters to understand the feeling of it. Also, the reason why Grimhilda was embarrassed is because the concept of CPR rarely exists in their world and Grimhilda and Leni's reactions reflected on their lack of understanding from it. Since Akio isn't from Ashura (the world the story takes in) and is from Earth.



kman134 says...


Also, the sword is magical as he found it on the road in chapter 2-3 before fighting its shadow golem guardian. So, it's possible that it would talk to him eventually.



kman134 says...


The council are actually individualized in the previous chapter, but the way they acted in this chapter is to show their real colors--arrogant, bigoted, and totalitarian--despite being the rulers of the Human Coalitionon the continent of Gaia. However, they are not the real antagonists of the story and are merely secondary antagonists of the series. The real antagonist is the Dark Lord who runs over the undead and is dedicated to wiping out all life on earth based on the nihilistic notion that life is painful and is an unchangeable cycle of disappointment and absurdity.



kman134 says...


thanks for the review though.



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Tue Feb 20, 2018 4:17 am
Moalex wrote a review...



Hey there, Moalex here for a review. Like many reviewers here on Young Writer's Society, I have no read your previous works. So I will leave anything related to story, character development, and unique names that I should know from reading your previous works.

To start off, I believe I reviewed one of your more enjoyable chapters because there was action right from the get-go. Definitely kept my attention as I am a major fan of fantasy and action. I also believe that your story is heavily influenced by anime as it shows on your profile pic. I read a lot of scenes that tends to follow a flow from a lot of anime. Overpowered opponents, a harem of girls, and a nick-of-time miracle that allowed the protagonist and his friends to escape. Then unconscious girls that the main protagonist have to do CPR on which clearly gives me a sort of understanding to their personality. IE: Grimhilda returning the embrace, and Leni who had the whole, "What do you think you're doing? Taking advantage of me while I was unconscious" scene going on.

I highly advice you proofread your work just because I caught a few sentences that seems oddly structured or phrased. I'm sure you'll see it when you read it over.

A few personal thoughts that I had on your story. I really enjoyed how there are multiple races and a challenge. Even though I don't completely understand the situation as to what is happening or who these council people are. I'm sure that's something I should have known from previous chapters. However, I also understand that this chapters in particular was supposed to be the ending of the fight and escaping, but I wasn't really pulled into your story. Which is why I suggested to go back and proofread your work. Fix a few sentences here and there or restructure it so that it pulls the audience in.

That's all from me for this review. I hope this helps out. Enjoy the rest of the your day, and keep writing!





If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
— Mo Willems