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I Am ≠ You {Part Three}

by emolemon


Josh stood up from the bench to confront the motorcycle drivers. The one that was leading the “pack” a few minutes before hopped off of his cycle and was strutting over to Josh. “Where is she?” he asked with a gruff voice. He took off his helmet and I knew why Josh said “Oh no.” He was a little bit taller than Josh, and a couple years older. The tight shirt under his cliche leather jacket emphasized his muscles making him even more threatening and he was blatantly irritated, but he was trying to pass it on as angry or powerful. I’m not paying attention to this, though; what’s scaring me most of all about him is his auburn hair.

“I don’t know,” Josh said, straightening his back. “We passed her on the way over here. I--” I’m stricken with deja-vu and I realize that this is just like my, well, fight with J.D. this morning. I really don’t like where this is going; if this is who I think this is, then Josh is in a very dangerous situation.

Taking a deep breath, I step forward. “She isn’t our responsibility.” I know that was gutsy, but why is Josh giving me that look? Before I look away, he mouths, “Are you insane?” But I continue, “If you’re so worried, why don’t you go look for her yourself?” Crap, he turned toward me and I suddenly realize how much bigger he is. I try to keep a straight face, but he’s really freaking intimidating.

“Alright you little faggot, if I was stupid enough to think that my sister was this douche’s responsibility, he’d be the one draggin her ass over right now. I just want to know where the brat is.” From the corner of my eye, I see him tighten his fists, but I shake the fear off.

Suddenly, a fist flies in to meet his cheek. The blow barely moved him, but he still looks momentarily in shock. He turns toward Josh, who raised his fist again. “Don’t call him a faggot, Jean.” I knew it, this is J.D.’s demon brother, Jonathan. I’ve never met him; J.D. hates him. Jon raises is fist and I feel my eyes widen as I realize what’s about to happen.

“Wait!” We all turn to see where the voice came from. J.D. was running down the street to meet us. “I’m right here Jon!” Her cheeks are a light shade of pink from the run, and her perfect hair is windswept as she steps toward Jonathan. One of the other motorcyclists, who had all been watching the scene with interest, got up and placed his hand on her arm. “Get off!” she said, pushing his arm off. “Why the hell didn’t you pick me up? You just couldn’t pass up the chance to waste your time with them?” Her arm flew up as she gestured her arm toward Josh, Ash, and I.

Ash who had been quiet the whole time, stepped up, looking slightly offended. “Yeah, why did you come over here? We’re just minding our own business and you four show up….” At this another one of the cyclists coughs something about going for lunch, but it’s obvious they just don’t want to get involved.

“Whatever,” Jon muttered back to him.

I gasp causing the three guys and J.D. to turn toward me; it’s my brother! I take off and as I run, I yell, “It’s Charlie!” and I hear all of them behind me:

“Ryan? Wait!”

“Who's Charlie?”

“Hey, we’re not done!”

“Jonathan!”

But their voices matter the least to me as I follow the back that belongs to the only voice I’m listening for right now. “Charles!” I yell his name as I take a familiar path down Maple Ave. I lead us all to the cemetery, where Charlie stops in front of the gates again. This time he reaches out and pushes the gate open. EEEEEEEK! The old gates slowly and loudly groaned to the pressure as Charlie walks, well it’s more of a drift into the cemetery.

“What the hell just happened? Does she have psychic powers of something?”

“What’s going on?”

The Jeans were freaking out and I remember no one else can see Charlie. Josh just looked curious because he knew, but Ash didn’t say anything he just looked interested. I step into the cemetery and turn back around to say, “I have no idea what’s going on but you might be wasting your time.” I hoped I sounded convincing, nevertheless everyone was too interested to back out now. I continue into the cemetery and go to Charlie’s grave. Taking a deep breath I crouch down and put my hand on the gravestone.

“We should probably go, Jon; this place gives me the creeps.” As soon as the words left J.D.’s mouth the ground began to shake. On instinct, I stand up and take a few steps back, and I’m glad I did! Right in front of the gravestone, a hole begins to form. I begin to panic as the hole rapidly grows and the ground shakes harder and more violently.

“What is going on?” I here Ash yell, voice full of panic.

“I don’t know,” I yell back. I feel a strong tug on my collar as Josh pulls me back, saving me from plunging into the pit. I gently shake him off and take a step closer to look into the hole. It’s too dark to make anything out, but something’s telling me I have to jump. “I think I need to go down there.” I say to Josh.

“Are you insane? That’s suicide! You can’t just jump into a random black hole! We have no idea where it goes! For all we know, you could get stuck down there and die of hunger or something!”

“Josh, calm down.” I put my hand on his shoulder and give him a reassuring look. “I just have to go down there.” I know it. Then, I turn, take another deep breath, and jump.


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Fri Jan 12, 2018 11:31 pm
saentiel wrote a review...



Hello, emolemon! I hope my review can do your work justice.

Grammar and Syntax

This chapter shared the same grammatical problems as the last one. My biggest suggestion is to read the chapter aloud before you post it. Whenever I read something I wrote to someone else, I always notice the little things I missed when skimming over it before. I promise that it will help! I also suggest checking out online resources that go over the basics of grammar. A little refresher never hurt, and having it fresh in your mind might prevent you from making those mistakes. Other than that, your grammar was pretty good!

Characters

Being a jerk seems to run in in the Jean family. You do a great job at making both J.D. and Jon completely unlikable, while still making the reader root for the main character and the people he knows. I think one of this chapter is Ryan's reaction to seeing Charlie. His connection to Charlie is one of his strongest character traits, and this chapter reinforces what the reader already knows. Seeing him suddenly chase after Charlie and his decision to jump down the hole was the perfect way of showing how much he wants to be with his brother again. I hope for Ryan's sake that they get a happy ending.

Plot

I'm curious to find out why Ryan is the only one that can see Charlie, and why Charlie keeps appearing to him. I currently don't have any major theories as to what Charlie is trying to show him - though I'm certain that this is happening because of how close the two of them were.

My one critique for this part and the previous parts are Charlie's entrances. They happen so suddenly that the reader doesn't really have a chance to adjust. One moment, there's a completely unrelated conversation going on. The next, Ryan is chasing after Charlie. Hinting at his arrival prior to it actual occurring would be the perfect way to transition. Think about how whatever Charlie is works in your universe. Does the air get colder? Is there a specific smell that someone can notice? Does something in the area around the characters change? You have a lot of possibilities, and it's only a matter of choosing which one you like the most!

I really enjoyed reading your work. While there may have been a few rough spots, it's overall a wonderful piece of writing. If you feel like some parts of my review need further explanation or just aren't good enough, please let me know. I'd gladly clear up anything about this review.

Keep up the great work (which I doubt you'll have trouble with) and good luck on your writing endeavors!




emolemon says...


Thanks sae! I'm sorry, I'm not great at writing, but the story comes really easy to me, sooo... yeah i should really start practicing my grammar. As for the transition with Charlie's arrival, I kind of wanted it to be unexpected, so that the reader was kind of as surprised as other characters who think it's totally spontaneous. But a hint might be an easier way to transition, thanks! As you know I do most of my writing on Google Docs, so I guess I forget to skim or that it'll check my grammar for me? I don't know, but I'll go back and work on the first few parts to add hints and definitely look into grammar.

BTW, I'm halfway through p4! Sorry this part was so short!



emolemon says...


OMJOSH there are so many grammar forums! Do have any particular one to suggest... or all of them?



saentiel says...


I've heard that Purdue is pretty good!



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Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:29 am
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Lake wrote a review...



Ok, so now that I called it, and I know who the motorcyclists were, I can finally say...HOLY HELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I have a theory, after he jumps down, he finds his brother, and this time he's not transparent, and he tells Ryan that he was never dead, someone had done something to him and they get out and try to explain what happened to everyone waiting outside in the cemetery, but that's just a theory....................A GAME THEORY!!!!!!!!! Yeah no, I'll stop. But anyway, even though it was shorter than usual, I was still on the edge of my seat, I don't think I stopped scrolling down!XD But anyways, I hope you finish part 4 tomorrow or maybe tonight? Since this one came out just as I said it!XD But anyway, keep up the amazing work!



*walks away from computer*

Goddamn, I need a breather or else I'm never gonna be able to focus on anything else...




emolemon says...


hehe i know i already told you, but for the sake of everyone else: this theory is not completely right...



Lake says...


Damn! But you're not saying that it's wrong either, so technically I'm right, just not all the way right! Or, like you said, not completely right...XD



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Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:18 am
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emolemon says...



@saentiel @LittleLee @RavenLord @Flumadiddle @SpaceSnickerdoodle @WhosabellCanWrite @GodHatesMason @Lake I know it's a little short but...




saentiel says...


I'll review that as soon as I can!




It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien