Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Soo...this was a very nice chapter. I loved getting to see more of Aleveri and a chapter from her point of view. I hope we get one for Haka too sometime soon, now he's the only one in this little circle who hasn't gotten one and while yes I see how Gael and Ilami are the major players here, a bit of perspective by Haka would be nice, especially seeing this one from Aleveri's point of view where we learn so much about who she is as a person and how she tends to think.

Anyway let's get right to it,

In the hallway, Aleveri sat at one of the benches, facing a book. The foundation of Natural magic is the ability to transform life energy into magical energy, Aleveri read. She adjusted her spectacles. While most Natural spells involve creating elements or enchanting objects, those that heal involves tempering the fundamentals of a human body.

Leaning back, she stared at the book. Beginner’s Guide to the Healing Natural Spells. Although she’d read it countless times and even memorized most of it, she knew she had to keep doing that to make sure the information stayed in her head.

Okay....so we're not going to see the sparring bout between Haka and Ilami....nooooo...well, I suppose we can see Haka in action sometime later when the stakes are probably going to be much higher than it is at the moment. At any rate, this is a very sedate to this chapter, not something we've seen in some time, just Aleveri relaxing and reading a book. I'm gonna assume some of the stuff in this book will be important later, but for the moment, it looks like its just a book here.

She skipped to the page where she was currently at. Out of all blessings, research has found that Serra’s blessing is the most effective in healing. The gap of efficiency between Serra’s blessing and the rest is too wide to the point where it is decided Serra-blessed people are assumed as potential healers.

However, genetic seems to play a role in enhancing the healing skill of a Serra-blessed person. House Uora is granted with the inherent ability to heal, and in a faster rate than a regular Serra-blessed person. The reason for this is not clear, though one of the popular theories remarks the overall attitude of the Uora members is similar to Serra. Two aspects - intelligence and kindness - are attached to the family house and the goddess.

Okayyy....well we're getting along with even more information slowly coming across. Its a nice little glimpse at sort of how Aleveri gets through her studies in school here. I think its a good little moment for us to focus a bit on Aleveri, I feel like maybe she is the one who has so far gotten the least amount of time to shine on her own besides maybe Haka who hasn't had a POV chapter, so getting to see a few more sides to her is good.

Aleveri exhaled while keeping her mouth shut, making her cheeks look like balls. Then, she released the air in them. The book wasn’t entirely accurate, though she suspected it was intentional as an introduction for first-year students. Most, but not all, Uora members possessed the two aspects - as well as impressive healing skill - mentioned, and a few Serra-blessed people outside of Uora did have it. The moral values showed by the Serra-blessed affected her healing skill more than genetic did.

At the end, gods were weird and inconsistent sometimes.

‘Hey,’ Ilami said from behind, giving Aleveri a slight shock.

Okayyy...well it looks like our alone time with Aleveri is ending as Ilami arrives to shock her and then is probably going to actually give her a heart attack in a minute with the whole "Let's go to the Restricted Area' proposal that's probably going to come very soon here.

‘Don’t “hey” me like that! You’re lucky I don’t have a heart disease!’ Aleveri said, rubbing her chest. She stared at the stage at the front of the hallway where teachers sat. Today, another group of people were also there with them. ‘They’ll be properly introduced later. You’re not late.’

Ilami shrugged. ‘I don’t mind being late. I don’t know what’s important seeing the priests. They’re boring.’

‘They’re the priests of Gods Brotherhood Church, which means they’re not boring at all,’ Aleveri said, closing her book. ‘They’re important people. Since a fair amount of Ciraciel people are religious, having the church on your side attracts more people to the academy.’

OKayy....so they are currently just discussing what appears to be regular school stuff in the academy. Ilami doesn't sound particularly interested in most of that, but it looks like she's letting the small talk continue for a bit probably preparing for the bomb that she has to drop in a bit.

‘Whatever,’ Ilami said, waving her hand. ‘Their lectures put me to sleep. Why now, anyway? They’ve been here for more than a week.’

‘I heard they insisted their arrival shouldn’t be made a big deal, but Mrs. Venaria managed to make them accept this belated welcome ceremony.’

Ilami folded her arms. ‘I hope it’s worth my time seeing this good-for-nothing priests talking about themselves.’

Aleveri sighed and shook her head. She herself wasn’t religious either, but Ilami found those people irritating. Priests, to be specific, since they preached the most. Aleveri found them important to keep peace in a place since people who believed they were doing something peaceful maintained their attitude far longer than those who forced to do something that was deemed as peaceful.

Ooooh, well some interesting opinions in these things being tossed about here...and it looks like maybe this is not the scene where the Restricted Area thing gets asked. Hmm, it appears maybe this scene is going to focus a little bit more on this whole priest situation, which perhaps will be important to the story later...or I don't see why the Restricted Area plotpoint would get slowed down just to focus on this visit.

A few minutes later, Mrs. Venaria stood and stepped to the center of the stage. Her presence alone silenced the chattering students. In front of her hovered a spherical xerasium, a type of a metallic magical trigger that served as a volume multiplier. The hand-size object could be enchanted through blood magic to hover wherever the caster wanted as long as it was in her area of sight. They were usually placed in a open box nearby for later use.

‘Good morning, everyone,’ Mrs. Venaria said, her silvery voice reaching towards the end of the hall. She smiled, though it was slight and more professional. ‘If you have not noticed, we are graced by the presence of a group of people who are not just noble for being who they are, but also humble in respect to the reputation they gain.’

Alright, things are transitioning into one of those scenes then. Hmm, its an interesting thing to see Mrs. Venaria in a more public setting now and the sort of image that she tends to project to everyone when not in private. That's certainly an interesting detail there.

She nodded to Kestari Fexar, a man with graying hair sitting beside her seat. Seeing him nod back, she turned to the students. ‘I welcome to you, the representatives of Gods Brotherhood Church!’ She waved to Kestari and his fellow priests, who nodded and smiled to the claps of the students.

‘The Gods Brotherhood Church has been instrumental in keeping the spiritual strength of the academy, blessing us with their presence annually. This year is no different as they will participate in becoming spectators and judges to the test set for the first-year students. Of course, their arrival will not be made possible if not for the effort of their head priest, Natron Kestari Fexar.’

Alright, I feel like a lot of this might play into the kind of talk that Ilami and Gael had earlier regarding deities. There are certainly some interesting things being mentioned here. At the moment it doesn't seem to serve much importance to the plot besides helping deepen the worldbuilding but I get the distinct feeling, these things are all being revealed to us so early because it becomes important in the times to come.

Weird, Aleveri thought. There’s definitely something. In a normal circumstance, she’d pry, but since Ilami was her friend, she understood if Ilami didn’t want to share things or not ready to confide on her. The last thing she wanted to be was a pestering companion.

Ahh there go the seeds of what Ilami plans on revealing later. Also...Ilami's thoughts there are echoing exactly what I was thinking myself. Mrs. Veneria comes off as a very normal principal when it comes to this more public setting, you'd never know this was a school where multiple deaths had occurred.

She turned her attention to the stage. Kestari Fexar replaced Mrs. Venaria’s position, talking. He wore a robe of mixed colour, red being of Xesar and yellow being of Lio. ‘It is an honor to be included in this important event which would test the skills of the young ones. As Xesar and Lio encourage progress, I believe this is the right way to shape the students for them to be better people.’

Aleveri frowned. She had spent her time with her family long enough to discern the authenticity of a positive emotion, whether a motivation derived it or not. Hearing both Mrs. Venaria and Kestari, she noticed a juxtaposition between them.

Okay...this is interesting, we haven't had Aleveri give her opinion on too many things especially with us never getting her POV before, but it looks like she's a pretty observant person who can spot a lot of things from just body language. Her character is really getting explored thoroughly here and I'm loving it.

Many times before, Mrs. Venaria spoke sternly, but her words when it came to the students were genuine. Aleveri could see how natural she was to speak of them as if they were her children. The firmness in her voice simply meant she wouldn’t spoil them. There was no stiffness in her body language to imply she was faking it.

Kestari, however... He troubled Aleveri. Not with the fact that his adoration to the students was an act, but with how well the performance was. He moved gracefully and his voice vulnerable when he spoke of parts that were emotional, but his eyes. If they weren’t as sparkling as Mrs. Venaria, Aleveri wouldn’t know he delivered lies. If she didn’t observe him carefully, she would miss it. She decided she didn’t like him.

Ooooh, I have a feeling Aleveri's observations here are certainly not things to take lightly. For one we get confirmation that Mrs. Venaria for all her faults does seem to fairly genuine in most of what she does. There is definitely a lot more happening in that Restricted Area than what meets the eye and we cannot point fingers at her.

Ilami yawned. Aleveri turned to her, seeing her eyes half-closed.

‘Seriously,’ Ilami said, her voice dragging. ‘A priest never failed to make me sleepy each time. And he’s not even lecturing. How can this man be an important person?’ She shook her head.

‘Hush!’ Aleveri said, putting a finger on her mouth. ‘Don’t say that out loud! You can be arrested for insulting a religious figure if someone reports what you said to the gerecia. Be lucky you’re too young for that.’

Hmm, it looks like Ilami absolutely not a fan of priests in general...not just this one..so that's interesting. I don't know if that opinion of hers becomes important later, but well, it does manage to fit within her character so far.

‘Urgh,’ Ilami said, rubbing her face. ‘Sometimes people are just too sensitive.’

‘Or you can be too insensitive.’

They stared at each other, then giggled. Aleveri did have to admit the whole ceremony was a bit boring, so it was nice to talk with someone who wasn’t so. Her initial awe of Ilami being Mrs. Venaria’s daughter had faded, replaced with the realization that Ilami was just a normal student. Maybe, after a while, she would gain reputation, and perhaps she would be like Alyosha, a student whom others admired and feared equally.

Aleveri hoped she wouldn’t go that far.

Oh that last line...that last line...now that's what I call an awesome spot to break a chapter in two...its almost as if you write these things to have two cliffhanger sometimes...xD...these endings more often than not make you immediately want to go and read the next part.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I really liked this chapter, mostly for just how much we got to see of Aleveri and her opinions on the world. Anyway, I get the feeling that at least by the end of this chapter Ilami will spill the beans and ask about the Restricted Area. I'll find out soon enough I guess.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey! Sorry for the delay in reviewing these - I should finish catching up in the next few days or so.

I like Aleveri! I also like this chapter. It's a refreshing change of pace, getting to see a new, more laid-back character. First, nitpicks.

. She stared at the stage at the front of the hallway where teachers sat. Today, another group of people were also there with them. ‘They’ll be properly introduced later. You’re not late.’

Late for what? You haven't said where they are or what they're doing here.

Since a fair amount of Ciraciel people are religious, having the church on your side attracts more people to the academy.’

This felt odd of Aleveri to say, because of course Ilami knows what most Ciraciel people are religious and that that's why the priests are there. It feels like she's explaining something that should be obvious, when really both of them know that Ilami's mostly just complaining about having to watch the ceremony, not actually asking why it exists. A more natural response of Aleveri would be "You know why. Publicity." Something that sums up the reason without going into detail.

people who believed they were doing something peaceful maintained their attitude far longer than those who forced to do something that was deemed as peaceful.

I like that you contrast Ilami and Aleveri's attitudes, but I didn't actually understand what she was saying here. Are the priests the ones who believe they're doing something peaceful, or are the priests leading the others to believe they're doing something peaceful?

Natron was the position of a head priest, derived from the Natural language which meant ‘Naturals’ head’.

Is "Natron" derived from "Natural's head" or is "head priest" derived from it? Your sentence structure is confusing here.

‘It’s so easy to believe she’s just your typical principal hearing she says like that,’ Ilami whispered, staring intently at Mrs. Venaria.

Having Ilami say this in a full sentence makes it seem like she meant this to be heard. Since she's mostly talking to herself under her breath, I'd suggest something like this, with some parts inaudible and some parts whispered:

"...so easy to believe...when she talks like this... so normal..."

Other:
Aleveri's thoughts about Ilami and Alyosha were super interesting and did a great job showing her character. Definitely a strong chapter ending. I like their dynamic here, now that they're talking about something not directly plot-related or school-related.

I think you could do a better job of showing that Kestari isn't as nice as the act he puts on. Right now, Aleveri tells us she mistrusts him before explaining the way his actions and movements are stiff and forced. Instead of pushing Aleveri's interpretation on us first, show us those actions and movements, and then have Aleveri analyze them and start suspecting him. This gives the reader time to notice the suspicious stuff as well, rather than feeling like we're just getting told it.

I also am interested in how you continue to set up Venaria as a complex character who's definitely not a good person (in terms of what she's done to Ilami) but also does care about good things. I do think these hints are flimsy sometimes, and I'd like to dive more concretely into her motivations.

And I think I'll leave this at that! I'll be back tomorrow for the next one. <3

Hi, Lightsong. Back to review. You know the drill by now.

Nitpicks

Aleveri sat at one of the benches, facing a book.

I get what you mean here, but the expression is a bit weird. I'd change it to 'reading a book' or something like that.

...those that heal involve tempering the fundamentals of the human body.

'A human body' is okay, but I'd expect a textbook to use 'the'.

The moral values showed by the Serra-blessed affected her healing skills more than genetics did.

At the end, gods were weird and inconsistent sometimes.

I feel like this sentence comes out of the blue. It doesn't really seem connected to the previous paragraph. She was talking about learning from the moral values of other Serra-blessed people; she didn't say anything about the inconsistency of the gods.

I don’t know what’s important about seeing the priests.

‘I heard they insisted their arrival shouldn’t be made a big deal, but Mrs. Venaria managed to make them accept this belated welcome ceremony.’

Expression's iffy here. Maybe have something like:

'I heard they didn't want anyone making a big deal out of their arrival, but Mrs. Venaria must've got(ten?) them to agree to a belated welcome ceremony.'

‘I hope it’s worth my time seeing these good-for-nothing priests

Aleveri found them important to keep peace in a place since people who believed they were doing something peaceful maintained their attitude far longer than those who forced to do something that was deemed as peaceful.

This sentence is too long and it's quite hard to tell what point you're making. Did you mean something like this?

Aleveri respected their importance in maintaining peace. Their conviction in their faith was unwavering, thus so was their dedication to amity.

You'll probably want to toy around with the phrasing, but that's what I guessed you were trying to say. I may be wrong, in which case you definitely need to make your meaning clearer.

‘The Gods Brotherhood Church has been instrumental in keeping the spiritual strength of the academy,

I'm not fond of 'keeping' here; it just makes me think 'keeping what where?' I think something like 'maintaining' or 'safeguarding' might fit better.

This year is no different as they will participate in becoming spectators and judges to the test set for the first-year students.

I think you're using more words than necessary here, as you sometimes tend to do when you're writing formal or academic-sounding dialogue. It makes it sound convoluted. You could have something like:

This year is no different, as they will act as spectators and judges in the test set for the first-year students.

their arrival would not have been possible if not for the effort of their head priest

‘It is an honor to be included in this important event which would test the skills of the young ones.

Just sounds like forced exposition. He doesn't need to mention what the event is about because people in the room would know.

Not with the fact that his adoration to the students was an act, but with how good the performance was.

He moved gracefully and his voice was vulnerable when he spoke

If they weren’t as sparkling as Mrs. Venaria, Aleveri wouldn’t know he delivered lies.

I don't really get what you mean here. What do 'sparkling' eyes look like and how does that relate to her being able to tell he's lying?

‘A priest never failed to make me sleepy each time.

Iffy expression. Perhaps something like:

Priests never fail to make me sleepy.

Or maybe something more casual-sounding, such as:

He's going to send me to sleep.

Overall Thoughts

1) I really like that we get to see Ilami's personality come out in this chapter. It's funny seeing how dismissive she is of the church, and her outspoken attitude feels fittingly childish - which is good, because she's always seemed a tad too mature for her age. All of the characters do, in fact.

I like the dynamic between her and Aleveri, as well. They're bantering and disagreeing more like real friends in this chapter; for the first time, I get a sense of their relationship outside of serious academic situations. The contrast between their attitudes to the church characterises both of them well.

2) It's not particularly specific to this chapter, but I would consider ageing the main cast up by a few years in future drafts. Even with the occasional elements of childishness, none of the characters feel like convincing eleven-year-olds to me, and their skill with magic seems like it would be better fitted to people who had been studying it for longer. You could get away with young teenagers (14-15, maybe), but eleven just seems too young. If you want to keep them that age, you'll have to make some changes to their behaviour.

3) Book passages about magic aren't the most interesting things to open a chapter with. I don't mind having a few quotes here and there, but when you include whole paragraphs about healing magic it gets a bit much for me. It's thinly-veiled exposition and quite dry to read at times. Here, for instance:

Out of all blessings, research has found that Serra’s blessing is the most effective in healing. The gap of efficiency between Serra’s blessing and the rest is too wide to the point where it is decided Serra-blessed people are assumed as potential healers.

However, genetic seems to play a role in enhancing the healing skill of a Serra-blessed person. House Uora is granted with the inherent ability to heal, and in a faster rate than a regular Serra-blessed person. The reason for this is not clear, though one of the popular theories remarks the overall attitude of the Uora members is similar to Serra. Two aspects - intelligence and kindness - are attached to the family house and the goddess.

I basically felt like I already knew all this. I knew Uora were famous healers and blessed by Serra, so I didn't really see the point of this paragraph. It's just explaining it in a less interesting way than we've already seen, and it's not that relevant to the rest of the chapter either. I don't think the piece would lose anything if it wasn't there.

Just try not to fall back on these textbook passages quite as much as you do. I'd much rather learn about the magical system by seeing it in action.

4) I'm not sure about the passage where Aleveri comments on Kestari, suspecting him of lying. Her justification feels a tad weak. I understand that you do just get a Bad Vibe from people sometimes, but the reader needs to be able to share in that vibe to believe in it. Because there's nothing about Kestari's dialogue that makes me suspect him of ill intentions (if you took away Aleveri's voiced suspicions, I wouldn't think you were setting him up as a sinister character), it feels like I have to just take Aleveri's word for it that he's untrustworthy. It's telling where it should be showing.

I'd encourage you to find a way of actually displaying Kestari's falseness. It only has to be subtle. Perhaps he gives a humble, gracious speech and act pleased to be there, but Aleveri notices that he keeps checking his watch after he sits down, like he's impatient to be done with everything. Maybe she sees his smile fall the moment he thinks no one can see him. Perhaps he makes one strange comment during their conversation in the next chapter, something she can't shake off. Just try and show it somehow. I want to be able to see proper evidence of Kestari being suspicious, not just hear about Aleveri's personal hunch.

5) I'm curious to see how this church ties into everything that's happened so far in the story. I remember reading something about an assassination involving the church in an earlier chapter (was it Felaris's brother that knew something about it?) so I want to see if you return to that mystery. You don't seem to be setting Venaria up as your antagonist anymore, so I can't help but wonder if she's been in the palm of the church all along. I must admit, I'm especially curious about Venaria; I just can't seem to figure out what her motivations are. I'm glad she's more complicated character now, as she seemed a bit of a 'controlling evil mother' stereotype at the beginning.

That's all for today! I'll try and get the second half of the chapter (which I have read) reviewed as soon as I can.

Keep writing!
~Pan

Here I am!

I thought this was one of your better chapters, as far as I can remember the others I reviewed. You kept things moving along and had a good balance of Aleveri's thoughts, dialogue, and narration. I liked seeing Aleveri's thoughts on priests and getting an idea of Ilami's thoughts on priests; since religion/spirituality plays such a large role in magic in the world you've set up, it's nice that you show us more of the role of priests and what people think of them.

That said, I'd maybe want to see a little more conflict in Aleveri when she thinks this.

Kestari, however... He troubled Aleveri. Not with the fact that his adoration to the students was an act, but with how well the performance was. He moved gracefully and his voice vulnerable when he spoke of parts that were emotional, but his eyes. If they weren’t as sparkling as Mrs. Venaria, Aleveri wouldn’t know he delivered lies. If she didn’t observe him carefully, she would miss it. She decided she didn’t like him.

She tells off Ilami for being so irreverent and warns her about the trouble she could get into for saying such things if she was older, but then she has no problem thinking that this particular priest seems pretty shady. I'd expect her to think that and then try to convince herself not to think that, given how priests are generally viewed, especially at the academy.