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16+ Language

an unintentional poem

by woahhitherepal, Flumadiddle


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

I... Love.

Love.

I just wish it were not so...

Ugly.

I wish there was a way,

Where it is simple

and I could love unconditionally,

and be loved unconditionally back.

I KNOW there's some sort of lie somewhere,

but I just cant put my finger on it.

 It gets all warm and fuzzy,

the spreading.

But what is Love, truly?

Is it the silent whispers and not fighting over cereal?

Is it not caring the distance they live

Or the age they are?

Is it something more than us humans can comprehend?

but why do I desire something

I cannot understand?

Because

it is that which we don't know that makes it even more enticing.

Its what makes the world what it is.

It makes everything something more.

Love is what we make, my dear friend.

But don't lose it.

Hold on to that person for as long as you can,

until you both grow old.

Be there for one another.

Just live.

Just love.




bold: woahhitherepal

italicized: flumadiddle


AN// this poem was written completely unintentionally. i was ranting and it turn poetic REAL FAST. whoops. but here it is.

this was another collab with my buddy @flumadiddle , as you may also know her, E.E

thanks for putting up with my shit pal.


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Thu Dec 07, 2017 10:04 pm
DemonGoddess wrote a review...



Hello woahhitherepal and @Flumadiddle! {Welcome to YWS!} Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
I... {l}ove.

Love.

I just wish it were not so...

Ugly.

I wish there was a way{ }

Where it is simple{,}

and I could love unconditionally,

and be loved unconditionally back.

I KNOW there's some sort of lie somewhere, {instead of capitalizing "know" completely, italicize it}

but I just {can't} put my finger on it.

It gets all warm and fuzzy,

the spreading.

But what is {l}ove, truly? {WHAT IS LOVE-}

Is it the silent whispers and not fighting over cereal?

Is it not caring the distance they live{,} {@LordTachanka references}

Or the age they are?

Is it something more than us humans can comprehend?


{B}ut why do I desire something

{That} I cannot understand?

Because{.}

{I}t is that which we don't know that makes it even more enticing. {Truth is stranger than fiction}

It{'}s what makes the world what it is.

It makes everything something more.

Love is what we make, my dear friend.

But don't lose it.

Hold on to that person for as long as you can,

{U}ntil you both grow old.

Be there for one another.

Just live.


Just love.


The A/N:

Spoiler! :
{A/N: T}his poem was written completely unintentionally. {I} was ranting and it turn poetic {real fast, whoops. B}ut here it is.

{T}his was another collab with my buddy @{F}lumadiddle {or,} as you may also know her, E.E{.}

{T}hanks for putting up with my shit pal. {You don't need to word "shit" in here. You could take it out and take off the warning for language. Instead use a word like "crap," which isn't considered a swear}


My interpretation:



What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

Overall:



I did like this poem, but the constant grammatical errors take away from the piece. I would recommend to fix those and then revise it some more. This has a lot of potential :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Tue Dec 05, 2017 5:17 pm
neptune wrote a review...



Hello! Let's dive right into this review.

Ahh, the topic of love. So commonly it is written into poetry and songs. Which makes me feel like this could deserve a little more imagery, to stand out from any other "regular" love poem. I get the whole question of "what is love" and all that, but maybe you can ask something like "is love like....." -- something more in depth and poetic.

I just wish it were not so...
Ugly.

This part, for example. What makes it so ugly? What makes love unconditional?

What I do love about this poem, however, is how raw and true it is. This started with a conversation and turned into a poem! How cool. This does mean that I would recommend looking over through the poem for grammatical/punctuation errors, seeing as I found some.
but I just cant put my finger on it.

"cant" needs to be "can't". Don't forget!
The format of this poem is wonderful! I love the left-to-right idea. But since you have it from side to side, I feel like you don't need the bold/italics. Just note at the end that the writing on the left is one person and another person on the right. However, that is simply a picky opinion of mine. I think it is that I don't like bold writing in poetry.

The main feedback I would give for this poem is to work on punctuation and grammar. Since it did just start as a conversation, that probably didn't come to mind. But the overall presentation of the poem is affected by this as well.
Second, I would focus on adding imagery. I say this to many people, though for this poem especially it needs more flair and sparkle, since it is such a commonly used topic. This poem has enough telling and needs a lot more showing!

Alright, I hope I helped a little. If you have any questions please ask.

neptune






thank you for the review neptune (:
>Adrian



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Tue Dec 05, 2017 5:26 am
Rascalover says...



Omg! Omg! Omg!
I think i have just uncovered my favorite form of poetry! This isn't a review, but thanks to your collaboration and creative juices, I may have broken my own writing block. This is beautiful!
Bravo!
rascalover






ahhh thats so cool
im glad we helped (:



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Sat Dec 02, 2017 1:49 am
DemonGoddess says...



what is love? baby don't hurt me. don't hurt me. no more.




Flumadiddle says...


that.... is fantastic *holds up fanta soda and a stick*



DemonGoddess says...


thank you



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Fri Dec 01, 2017 11:27 pm
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Flumadiddle wrote a review...



@LordTachanka

And I am not putting up with your s***. Its called BEING NICE AND A GOOD FRIEND. Which I have very few of but thats not the point.

I just love how it turned out though and I like the tweaks you made to it. As I said before, the best poets and poems araise by mistake, simple as that and I am for sure gonna rant because I hope this counts as a review and I need points really bad and LOOK THEIR GOES MY GRAMMAR.

Okay, since that utter nonsense is gone I hope things get better for you and MERRY CHRISTMAS OR HAPPY HANUKA!




DemonGoddess says...


@Aley she reviewed her own poem???



Flumadiddle says...


OMG I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE



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Fri Dec 01, 2017 9:20 pm
woahhitherepal says...



ALSO huge round of applause to my other fren @WhosabellCanWrite for also putting up with my s*** bc wow im emotional




Flumadiddle says...


me too Adrian me too AAND YOU POSTED IT





Awww dude I am always here for you <3



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Fri Dec 01, 2017 9:19 pm
woahhitherepal says...



@Flumadiddle I POSTED IT





When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer