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E - Everyone

Empty Paper Spaces

by Flumadiddle, woahhitherepal


// E.E/Flumadiddles part


Am I that of a blank space?

Small spaces with no real meaning?

Besides to be given one thing and no choice to what it is?

Or am I the pencil,

The pen or keys that clack against fingers?

Click Clack, Click Clack,

over and over, to be reused like plastic.

Over and over these thoughts haunt me during the day.

Ghouls and Ghost that linger,

Their cold fingers caressing my cheek.

Is there an escape?

A way out of this hell?

// @woahhitherepal part 

did I make you

feel like you're unneeded?

like the space where

the words once were,

but didI erase them because

i didnt want the world to see it?

I click the pen,

so I can write again.

Click Clack, Click Clack.

but the words for you

just won't come back. 

This poem was for fun, a collab with @whoahitherepal ! It was so much fun and i hope to do it again!


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Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:22 pm
DemonGoddess wrote a review...



Hello Flumadiddle and @woahhitherepal! {Welcome to YWS!} Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
Am I that of a blank space?

Small spaces with no real meaning?

Besides to be given one thing and no choice to what it is?

Or am I the pencil,

The pen or {the} keys that clack against fingers?

Click {c}lack, {c}lick {c}lack,

{O}ver and over, to be reused like plastic. {Believe it or not, most plastic isn't reused}

Over and over{,} these thoughts haunt me during the day.

Ghouls and {ghosts} that linger,

Their cold fingers caressing my cheek.

Is there an escape?

A way out of this hell?

// @woahhitherepal{'s} part

did {i} make you

feel like you're unneeded?

like the space where

the words once were,

but {did i} erase them because

i didnt want the world to see it?

{i} click the pen,

so {i} can write again.

Click {c}lack, {c}lick {c}lack.

but the words for you

just won't come back.



My interpretation:



depression poem. again.

Overall:



I did like this poem. It's definitely one of your better collaboration poetries (: keep up the great work!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Tue Dec 05, 2017 8:50 pm
LizzieH3 wrote a review...



Hi, this is just a little review type thing because I really liked this poem. I'm new to this so bear with me and don't necessarily take everything on board if you don't want too, just remember to stay true to your original voice.
First of all, obviously, poetry, as any form of literature, is susceptible to opinion, there are many famous poets that have published poems and got many different responses, so this mine of your poem:
- I really liked the imagery you used, I thought it was very original and refreshing, something that many poems lack.
- I also liked the use of alliteration and plosive consonance to really show sounds that conform to the message of the poem.
- The only criticism I have, apart from a few grammar mistakes that I am sure you can spot or fix with a software, is that there could be a bit more of a sense of structure, maybe with the devices you use something like three one line questions, a two line image, another two line image and a final two questions, which is almost what you did, but could've been clearer so the reader is fully influenced by the strength of the message.
Otherwise, I love the poem a lot, please tag me in your next one because you are both really good.




Flumadiddle says...


Thank you! Check mine and @woahhitherepal's portfolios for more works!



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Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:20 pm


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Thu Nov 30, 2017 12:57 pm



Yayayayayayayay!




Flumadiddle says...


I know right?!





it's so gooood!



Flumadiddle says...


thanks!



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Thu Nov 30, 2017 2:19 am
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shusher wrote a review...



I am happy you both are proud of you work, because you should be, because it's a good poem.

Favorite thing: "click, clack."

Positives:
1) I like-a da metaphor, bruh. Starting out with a question of the self is powerful because *BOOM* the audience is already completely engaged. They don't know the main character, just like the main character doesn't know them-self. Empathy on line 1.
2) There's good imagery with the plastic as well.
3) part b seems a little more poetry than prose. Good thing? Yes, because it gives a different personality, and it's a different person. I appreciate this good character differentiation, and as a result, development.
4) Part b gives deeper meaning to part a, giving a very valid reason for a re-read.

Negatives:
1) "that of" isn't really needed.
2) Consistency issues. Line 1, character is a blank space. Line 2, they are several spaces. Line 4, they are a pencil. Part b, line 7, they are a pen.
3) "A way out of this hell" I know this whole review is opinionated, but this is the least formal point. 'Hell' is a very strong word, and previous lines, as my interpretation states, indicate a lot of confusion. Is hell really so dull that it's only pain is confusion, or lack of place in the world?
4) part b, line 5, grammatical issue.
5) Why is the person questioning if they erased the words, when character b is already saying why they erased it. More over, they erased the pen-written words. Maybe they were cheating on someone who was white out? lol
6) Character b says, "click, clack.." but I thought that was the sound character a made... Talk about being used lol.

Ideas: During part b, there was a grammatical issue which I stated as a negative, but it got me thinking.... "Character a is spaces, so what if this was done on purpose?" So, what about creating a visual example of the need for spaces? Instead of, "Did I make you, / feel like you were unneeded?" What about, "DidImakeyou,feellikeyouwereunneeded?" This would frustrate the reader, and if that's what character b is feeling, frustration, then double bonus.

Overall: I liked the poem a lot. The greatest strength, the imagery, and solid call and response scheming. The greatest weakness, inconsistency. I'm a big fan of imagery which is widely, and heartily used in this. There's even a rhythmic "click, clack," and I LOVE rhythmic schemes. Despite my enjoyment of it's concept, there's a couple issues that gave me a rough time developing an interpretation. I had a solid one by the end though!

Rating: I'd give this a solid 7/10. This poem is very creative. I enjoyed reading it, but it seems to have a good way to go. I'd love for you both to continue working on it though!




Flumadiddle says...


Thank you! Check out @woahhitherepal poetry in his portfolio! If you want to you can check out mine as well!





thank you for the review!!





thank you for the review!!





i dont know exactly why it posted that twice but there you go



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Thu Nov 30, 2017 12:16 am


Londone says...


Heyyyyyyy I'll review this soon!



Flumadiddle says...


YAY



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Thu Nov 30, 2017 12:08 am
woahhitherepal says...



WOWIE
WHAT A GOOD POEM!




Flumadiddle says...


I KNOW RIGHT?! The authors must be amazing people...





yeah i bet they are. wish i knew them...



Londone says...


So modest.


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shusher says...


Thank you both. You're too kind.



Flumadiddle says...


Let the sarcasm war begin CHOOS YOUR SIDE



DemonGoddess says...


I choose the sarcastic side.




"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."
— Pablo Neruda