z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 10.1: Gael

by Lightsong


‘The difference between basic and advanced Natural spells is the direction of the elements which they are based on,’ Gael said, raising a finger, his eyebrows raised. A breeze brushed his cheek and he could feel the tickling of the grass underneath him.

Sitting in front of him, Ilami nodded. They stayed on the field under the tree, the same one Gael used to study the reference book about blood magic. ‘I remember that, but I don’t understand what it means.’

Gael shrugged. ‘I expected that. Fighter students always want to use fancy spells that they think can aid them better in the battle without knowing the nature of those spells. Basic Natural spells create pure elements - fire, water, wind, earth - and direct them in a clear way. Advanced Natural spells do the same thing, but the way they direct those elements differ. It’s like the one you used before. The fire you created wasn’t used to attack; instead, it was used to strengthen your sword, wrapped around it to add a burning aspect to it.’

Ilami hummed, watching the reference book on Gael’s lap. She might have been impressed he didn’t use it since the start of their lesson. ‘Basically, what you’re trying to say is that advanced Natural spells involve enchantment? Like the one Aleveri used on you?’

‘Exactly!’ Gael said, smiling.

‘You should’ve just said that, you know.’

‘Well, I didn’t know you knew about enchantment. Not after seeing the wonderful spell you performed.’

Ilami squinted her eyes, but Gael maintained his smile. It felt good to be sarcastic sometimes around her since she caught it the moment it left his mouth. With Haka, it was a matter of hit-and-miss. Ilami leaned forward. ‘You said I used the wrong words to perform the spell I made the other day. What are the right ones?’

ignis waracia, legacia, melisia,’ he said, the knowledge of the spell surfacing in his mind like a floating ice. ‘You’re supposed to use them, but not in the order that I’ve just said. Advanced Natural spells come in longer sentences than the basic ones. The one you used was called Advanced Melting Defense. It doesn’t strengthen the object at which it is applied on, but gives it a defensive property in the form of melting other objects upon contact. Quite a lethal spell, I’ve to say.’

‘The full sentences, please.’

So impatient. Typical Fighter students, Gael thought. ‘*Ignis, cesat et micima. Kiveris sheli er kiveria, an stes tirhet tirinrex. Melisia evakis dae ces si nuhreza. Bari razha tes reha dir bari nu hirima.’

Ilami frowned. ‘That’s so long.’

Gael rolled his eyes. ‘That’s what to be expected in an advanced spell. You want the fire to function in a specific way, so your command should be specific too.’

‘Urgh, it seems like Natural magic is more suited for a Scholar student,’ Ilami said, leaning against the tree.

Gael told his thought about it. ‘The first year in the academy is really about learning the weapons for Fighter students. You learn about offensive Natural spells on the second year. Officially, of course. Many of the students learn the basic ones before that.’

‘How does a Scholar student study the spells?’ Ilami asked, raising her eyebrow. ‘Do you learn how to attack with them?’

Gael chuckled. ‘I wish. No, we learn everything about Natural magic. The history, Naturals, prominent figures in Natural magic and how it differs from the other magics of other countries. We’re all about theory. When we reach the second year, we’re going to be introduced to blood magic.’

‘The old magic?’

Gael didn’t like the intonation Ilami used to describe it. He raised a finger. ‘Objectively speaking, blood magic is more versatile than Natural magic. It’s just that it depends on how much blood you can offer. And other factors. Others have debated the Twin Deities are arguably stronger than the Naturals. In fact, either of them can defeat the four deities.’

Ilami frowned. ‘Why do we worship the Naturals then instead of the Twin Deities? They’re stronger than the new ones.’

‘Ah, but that is not the basis of a belief, Ilami. Quaror and Qualia disappeared a century after they introduced blood magic. No one knows why. A decade later, the Naturals arrived. Not only they blessed the people their magic, they also helped them develop blood magic. How could you not trust deities like them? When it comes to belief, trust comes first.’

Ilami kept her silence, frowning. ‘You have a point there. Why did the Twins disappear? It doesn’t make sense.’

Gael smiled. ‘Should it? They’re deities, not human. Their perspectives on life are different than ours. It’s understandable, however, for us to not worship them. Hopefully, we don’t forget them and blood magic.’

‘You really like blood magic, do you?’ Ilami said, picking a fallen leave and twirling it between her fingers. ‘Have you tried practicing it?’

Gael beamed. ‘I did, actually!’ He took out the bright diamond and blood vial from his satchel. He let a drop of it fell on the stone. ‘I can only cast one spell. It’s not as long as it should be, but but it would do. *Saracas stevenes, waracar irrevorar. Arfanis warrantis, araxex dormanixex.’

The blood evaporated until there was none. A small black circle replaced it and expanded, covering the area of the tree. Gael saw the area darkened and smiled at Ilami’s wide-eyed expression.

‘I can’t see anything!’

‘Well, yes, that’s the purpose. The Darkening spell. It allows you to create darkness. Others who pass us wouldn’t see us; instead, they’d see a black semi-sphere hiding our appearance and everything within its radius. Also, unless I give you the permission, those within this area wouldn’t be able to see anything either.’

As soon as he was done speaking, the darkness shrunk and returned to its original shape before disappearing. Ilami blinked her eyes.

‘I can only hold the spell for thirty seconds. The longest the spell can stay with that blood drop is five minutes. I need more practice.’

‘It’s impressive already,’ Ilami said, nodding. ‘I can come up with ways how it’d be useful in battles.’

Gael rolled his eyes and grinned. ‘Battles. Of course. Typical Fighter students.’

Ilami shrugged. ‘It’s not so bad.’ She looked around. ‘Why isn’t Haka with you? I thought he and you are always together.’

Gael nodded. ‘We do, but sometimes he practice sparring with the senior students. He’s exceptional when it comes to fighting, what with his unconventional battle style.’

Ilami raised her eyebrow. ‘Is he better than I?’

‘Of course he does,’ Gael said, putting the diamond and vial back into his satchel. Looking at Ilami’s flat stare, he continued, ‘I’m not joking. I bet this diamond he’s the best first-year Fighter student.’

‘Okay, fine,’ Ilami said. She looked around again before staring at him with a frown. ‘I’ve something to tell you.’

‘What is it?’

‘Mother told me to supervise you.’ Ilami let out those words as if she had just spat venom.

Gael frowned. ‘And... that’s a bad thing?’

‘Of course it does!’ Ilami said, scowling. ‘You can’t be telling me you like people - especially your friend! - monitoring every movement you make. It’s like you’re dangerous or suspected to have done or would do something bad.’

Gael chuckled. ‘I trust Mrs. Venaria. She must have a good reason to do it.’

‘She told me about what happened to you that made you lose the blessing,’ Ilami said, looking away. ‘I hope you don’t mind.’

He was surprised hearing that, knowing there was another person who knew about his past. And it was Ilami, who he met just recently. What made Mrs. Venaria trust her that much to confide with her this secret? Even if she was Mrs. Venaria’s daughter, he didn’t think that was enough reason. Maybe it was because she and he were friends now? It was still too fragile for him if that was the case.

‘I don’t mind,’ he said. ‘After what Mrs. Venaria did to get me into the academy, doubting her is the last thing I’m going to do.’

Ilami let out a sigh of relief.

* Fire, rise to my command. Cover what should be covered, and stay as hot as the sun. Melt everything that comes in your way. Bring wrath to those who brings you harm.

* [In ancient Estess] Expand wider, turn darker. Envelop within, unseen outside.


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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm, this chapter is off to a very interesting start. Despite the whole thing being pretty much a single conversation between the two of them, its really doesn't sound like it, we learn so much about the school and how it functions and this society as a whole and then we end on some very intriguing revelations there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The difference between basic and advanced Natural spells is the direction of the elements which they are based on,’ Gael said, raising a finger, his eyebrows raised. A breeze brushed his cheek and he could feel the tickling of the grass underneath him.

Sitting in front of him, Ilami nodded. They stayed on the field under the tree, the same one Gael used to study the reference book about blood magic. ‘I remember that, but I don’t understand what it means.’


Hmm, so that sounds like a very important concept to the magic system in general of this world here. Its a very interesting choice here to start this entire chapter by stating something like that, it sort of creates a bit of a focus towards that as we get this underway and it does appear that this chapter will have some talk about magic and Gael's tutoring in general.

Gael shrugged. ‘I expected that. Fighter students always want to use fancy spells that they think can aid them better in the battle without knowing the nature of those spells. Basic Natural spells create pure elements - fire, water, wind, earth - and direct them in a clear way. Advanced Natural spells do the same thing, but the way they direct those elements differ. It’s like the one you used before. The fire you created wasn’t used to attack; instead, it was used to strengthen your sword, wrapped around it to add a burning aspect to it.’

Ilami hummed, watching the reference book on Gael’s lap. She might have been impressed he didn’t use it since the start of their lesson. ‘Basically, what you’re trying to say is that advanced Natural spells involve enchantment? Like the one Aleveri used on you?’


Hmm, these two are definitely both fairly well verse in the intricacies of the magic they use it seems. Gael knows more than enough it appears to break things down and tell Ilami about what's going on, while Ilami also seems to have almost no trouble at all when it comes to understanding all of these concepts.

‘Exactly!’ Gael said, smiling.

‘You should’ve just said that, you know.’

‘Well, I didn’t know you knew about enchantment. Not after seeing the wonderful spell you performed.’

Ilami squinted her eyes, but Gael maintained his smile. It felt good to be sarcastic sometimes around her since she caught it the moment it left his mouth. With Haka, it was a matter of hit-and-miss. Ilami leaned forward. ‘You said I used the wrong words to perform the spell I made the other day. What are the right ones?’


Okay...well this is good to see, that's actually a pretty important step in a friendship, that point where you can actually criticize the other person for a joke like that and for nothing to happen not just you expecting nothing to happen is actually not a point that you always achieve, not easily anyway, so at any rate, it looks like these two are becoming friends fairly quickly here.

‘ignis waracia, legacia, melisia,’ he said, the knowledge of the spell surfacing in his mind like a floating ice. ‘You’re supposed to use them, but not in the order that I’ve just said. Advanced Natural spells come in longer sentences than the basic ones. The one you used was called Advanced Melting Defense. It doesn’t strengthen the object at which it is applied on, but gives it a defensive property in the form of melting other objects upon contact. Quite a lethal spell, I’ve to say.’

‘The full sentences, please.’

So impatient. Typical Fighter students, Gael thought. ‘*Ignis, cesat et micima. Kiveris sheli er kiveria, an stes tirhet tirinrex. Melisia evakis dae ces si nuhreza. Bari razha tes reha dir bari nu hirima.’


Hmm, well it does look Ilami is not the most interested in learning all about the background of her spell and what it is meant to do, she's just sort of laser focused on knowing what was wrong about the spell that she used and to know what is the right way for it to be performed. It sums up her personality and Gael's personality rather well here.

Ilami frowned. ‘That’s so long.’

Gael rolled his eyes. ‘That’s what to be expected in an advanced spell. You want the fire to function in a specific way, so your command should be specific too.’

‘Urgh, it seems like Natural magic is more suited for a Scholar student,’ Ilami said, leaning against the tree.

Gael told his thought about it. ‘The first year in the academy is really about learning the weapons for Fighter students. You learn about offensive Natural spells on the second year. Officially, of course. Many of the students learn the basic ones before that.’


Hmm that seems like a wise move in general, I like this little discussion going on here to tell us a bit more about the more specific workings inside this academy and I like it. This strategy here to have the students know the weapons before learning how to use magic offensively seems like a good way to avoid accidents.

‘How does a Scholar student study the spells?’ Ilami asked, raising her eyebrow. ‘Do you learn how to attack with them?’

Gael chuckled. ‘I wish. No, we learn everything about Natural magic. The history, Naturals, prominent figures in Natural magic and how it differs from the other magics of other countries. We’re all about theory. When we reach the second year, we’re going to be introduced to blood magic.’

‘The old magic?’


Hmm, that seems like a very strong divide there, its interesting how despite that the two different fields of study don't seem to be as divided as far as the students are concerned. It seems both are respected and appreciated equally which for a place with so much mystery and death is a pretty nice thing to see.

Gael didn’t like the intonation Ilami used to describe it. He raised a finger. ‘Objectively speaking, blood magic is more versatile than Natural magic. It’s just that it depends on how much blood you can offer. And other factors. Others have debated the Twin Deities are arguably stronger than the Naturals. In fact, either of them can defeat the four deities.’

Ilami frowned. ‘Why do we worship the Naturals then instead of the Twin Deities? They’re stronger than the new ones.’


Well blood magic seems like a slightly more...I believe the word would be archaic form of magic where some amount of sacrifice is needed, so I get where Ilami's thoughts seem to come from but I like how this argument is being slowly presented with Gael then showing us sort of the other side of the coin here.

‘Ah, but that is not the basis of a belief, Ilami. Quaror and Qualia disappeared a century after they introduced blood magic. No one knows why. A decade later, the Naturals arrived. Not only they blessed the people their magic, they also helped them develop blood magic. How could you not trust deities like them? When it comes to belief, trust comes first.’

Ilami kept her silence, frowning. ‘You have a point there. Why did the Twins disappear? It doesn’t make sense.’

Gael smiled. ‘Should it? They’re deities, not human. Their perspectives on life are different than ours. It’s understandable, however, for us to not worship them. Hopefully, we don’t forget them and blood magic.’


Hmm, well there are so many interesting things being brought out here and I am loving it. It does seem like fairly backgroundish talk at the moment but through it all we're learning a lot more about this world and these could actually become important things in the future, we don't really know just yet. I also love how it teaches us the sort of viewpoints these two share and the blossoming friendship between them.

‘You really like blood magic, do you?’ Ilami said, picking a fallen leave and twirling it between her fingers. ‘Have you tried practicing it?’

Gael beamed. ‘I did, actually!’ He took out the bright diamond and blood vial from his satchel. He let a drop of it fell on the stone. ‘I can only cast one spell. It’s not as long as it should be, but but it would do. *Saracas stevenes, waracar irrevorar. Arfanis warrantis, araxex dormanixex.’

The blood evaporated until there was none. A small black circle replaced it and expanded, covering the area of the tree. Gael saw the area darkened and smiled at Ilami’s wide-eyed expression.


Ooooh well that is a pretty cool spell, I'm guessing it was the one he was working so hard on earlier before Baris and his goons interrupted him. I guess he only partially managed to get things done what with the interruption, but it seems like he still did pull off a pretty impressive regardless.

‘I can’t see anything!’

‘Well, yes, that’s the purpose. The Darkening spell. It allows you to create darkness. Others who pass us wouldn’t see us; instead, they’d see a black semi-sphere hiding our appearance and everything within its radius. Also, unless I give you the permission, those within this area wouldn’t be able to see anything either.’

As soon as he was done speaking, the darkness shrunk and returned to its original shape before disappearing. Ilami blinked her eyes.


Hmm, well it looks like it takes a bit of effort to hold a spell like that and perhaps the use of just the single drop of blood factors in along with Gael's own power...so it certainly looks like there are a few limitations that come with that form of magic, limitation I haven't yet seen in the other forms.

‘I can only hold the spell for thirty seconds. The longest the spell can stay with that blood drop is five minutes. I need more practice.’

‘It’s impressive already,’ Ilami said, nodding. ‘I can come up with ways how it’d be useful in battles.’

Gael rolled his eyes and grinned. ‘Battles. Of course. Typical Fighter students.’

Ilami shrugged. ‘It’s not so bad.’ She looked around. ‘Why isn’t Haka with you? I thought he and you are always together.’

Gael nodded. ‘We do, but sometimes he practice sparring with the senior students. He’s exceptional when it comes to fighting, what with his unconventional battle style.’


Hmm, okay so the conversation is slowly taking a turn away from the magic here, this should be interesting. So far we were learning more about the world as a whole but now it looks like perhaps its shifting towards more personal things which should be pretty intriguing here.

Ilami raised her eyebrow. ‘Is he better than I?’

‘Of course he does,’ Gael said, putting the diamond and vial back into his satchel. Looking at Ilami’s flat stare, he continued, ‘I’m not joking. I bet this diamond he’s the best first-year Fighter student.’

‘Okay, fine,’ Ilami said. She looked around again before staring at him with a frown. ‘I’ve something to tell you.’


Oh dear, well that might just turn into a nice little rivalry there. Its pretty clear that Ilami is a little miffed that she's not considered the most powerful, which to be fair, she is rather young so despite her training she is just simply not going to be as strong as someone whose older which will be a disadvantage if physical combat if that is what first year is mostly about.

‘What is it?’

‘Mother told me to supervise you.’ Ilami let out those words as if she had just spat venom.

Gael frowned. ‘And... that’s a bad thing?’

‘Of course it does!’ Ilami said, scowling. ‘You can’t be telling me you like people - especially your friend! - monitoring every movement you make. It’s like you’re dangerous or suspected to have done or would do something bad.’

Gael chuckled. ‘I trust Mrs. Venaria. She must have a good reason to do it.’


Well he took it pretty much exactly like I was expecting him to. The way he voluntarily and quickly revealed information earlier about Ilami's actions and the whole training situation definitely shows he has a lot of trust in Mrs. Veneria and so well, this is not surprising from either of them with how Ilami seems to be outraged on behalf of him even when he isn't.

‘She told me about what happened to you that made you lose the blessing,’ Ilami said, looking away. ‘I hope you don’t mind.’

He was surprised hearing that, knowing there was another person who knew about his past. And it was Ilami, who he met just recently. What made Mrs. Venaria trust her that much to confide with her this secret? Even if she was Mrs. Venaria’s daughter, he didn’t think that was enough reason. Maybe it was because she and he were friends now? It was still too fragile for him if that was the case.

‘I don’t mind,’ he said. ‘After what Mrs. Venaria did to get me into the academy, doubting her is the last thing I’m going to do.’

Ilami let out a sigh of relief.


Well...that's an interesting move. I thought from his initial reaction he'd be a bit more reserved about it and perhaps take some time to be fully comfortable about it. After all they haven't been friends for all that long, it can't have been more than a week or maybe two weeks at most. Hmm, him accepting this so quickly is going to be interesting going forward, especially I do suspect Mrs. Venaria is upto something that won't bode well for a lot of people.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is off to a pretty neat start here, and I already like where this chapter is going. Gael's reactions to the news there is a tiny bit surprising but not completely unexpected either, so well let's see how this ends I suppose. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mea wrote a review...



Hey Light! <3 Unfortunately, I'm very short on time today, so these reviews will be brief.

I really like this chapter. You did a lot to build both Ilami and Gael's character here with how they interact with each other, and it was really fun to read because of Ilami's impatience and Gael's over-explanations.

I'm kind of disappointed that Gael is so okay with Ilami knowing his secret and having been told to spy on him - most people wouldn't be very happy with that and it would let you add some more conflict to your story. On the other hand, Gael is definitely the kind of guy who is trusting enough that he wouldn't suspect Ms. Venaria of having ill intentions. So his reaction does make sense, I'm just surprised that he doesn't even think it's a little weird. Surely he has to wonder why she decided to spy on him - he should be at least a little unsettled by the implications.

I also really liked the way you had them talk casually about the Fighter vs. Scholar students - it really helped me get a picture of how these two groups of students differ. And I thought the points Gael made in regards to why they worship the Naturals made a lot of sense. I love how the magic system is developing.

I thought the first half of the chapter could use more work than the second half - it took me up until Gael brought up the blood magic to really get into it. Before that, it felt a bit choppy and the explanations were a little cumbersome.

I also couldn't really picture the darkness spell in my head - it wasn't clear that you couldn't see out of it until Ilami mentioned it. I just wasn't sure what it was until the dialogue explained it more, and its immediate effects really should be described as soon as the spell starts. Unless Gael could see, since he was the caster of the spell? I just felt something was lacking there.

And I'll leave it at that for this chapter! On to the next.




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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Lightsong! Pan popping in for my first review day critique. So glad to finally have more of this. When you mentioned that it had been accidentally deleted I was devastated, but the extra wait has made me all the more ravenous find out what happens next.

Blue text = suggested changes.

Nitpicks

A breeze brushed his cheek and he could feel the tickling of the grass underneath him.


You could make this more succinct. Perhaps something like:

A breeze brushed his cheek, the grass beneath him tickling his legs.

Toy about with the line. It could definitely be more concise than it is.

They stayed on the field under the tree


I'm not sure 'stayed' is the best verb here. Something like 'sat' or 'were sitting' might be better.

the same one Gael used to study the reference book about blood magic.


I'm not sure about 'used', either. It makes it sound like Gael was specifically using the tree in his spells or something. It would be better to say that it was just the one he'd sat under before when he studied blood magic.

wrapped around it to add a burning aspect to it.’


Not mad on this phrasing. It just sounds strange to me.

She might have been impressed he didn’t use it since the start of their lesson.


I wasn't sure what you meant here at first; I had to reread it about three times. Maybe you could have something like:

Maybe she was impressed by how little he was referring to it.

‘Well, I didn’t know you knew about enchantment. Not after seeing the wonderful spell you performed.’


I'm not sure what exactly he's trying to say here. It's the 'not after seeing the wonderful spell' bit that throws me off, because I'm assuming he's trying to be scathing there. But I didn't think Ilami's fire sword was bad - it's pretty impressive she can cast it at all at her age, even if not perfectly. So Gael being sarcastic about her abilities just confuses me a bit. She's certainly more capable than he is!

(That said, I do really like that Gael explains everything in a needlessly complicated and wordy way. It really suggests something about his character!)

It doesn’t strengthen the object it's applied to, but gives it a defensive property...


Quite a lethal spell, I have to say.’


I've never heard anyone say 'I've to say'; people tend to put emphasis on the 'have' in that phrase, so contracting it doesn't really work.

‘Urgh, it seems like Natural magic is more suited for a Scholar student,’ Ilami said, leaning against the tree.

Gael told his thought about it. ‘The first year in the academy is really about learning the weapons


‘You really like blood magic, don't you?’


This is up to you, but 'don't' seems more natural in a tag question.

‘Have you tried practicing it?’

Gael beamed. ‘I have, actually!’


Just make sure your auxiliaries match up from question to response.

He let a drop of it fall on the stone.


It’s not as long as it should be, but but it will do.


The blood evaporated until there was none.


Gael saw the area darkened and smiled at Ilami’s wide-eyed expression.


I thought he and you were always together.'

Gael nodded. ‘We are


Watch your tenses, and as I said before make sure your auxiliaries match.

‘Is he better than me?’

‘Of course he is,’ Gael said


1) As she's talking about herself as the object of the sentence, the correct pronoun is 'me', not 'I'. It might be you're trying to capture how she talks, which is fair enough, but I thought I'd raise it in case it wasn't deliberate.

2) Same problem with the auxiliaries here, too.

‘And... that’s a bad thing?’

‘Of course it is!’ Ilami said, scowling.


And here! This is the last one. You seem to have struggled a bit with your auxiliaries this chapter, so maybe try and freshen up on them.

What made Mrs. Venaria trust her that much to confide with her this secret?


Expression is a little off here. Maybe:

What made Mrs. Venaria trust her enough to confide in her?

Overall Thoughts

1) Gael's character is great in this chapter. We get more insight into the slightly irritating aspects of his personality; we see him over-complicating his explanations, being a bit snobby about fighter students, generally just acting like a bit of a know-it-all. I'm so glad to see that side of him, because always I felt like Gael was in need of a few more flaws. Definitely keep exploring these more in future chapters.

2) All of the backstory about the Twin Deities and Naturals is interesting. I'm quite intrigued to see why the Twins disappeared so suddenly, as I assume there has to be a reason. I'm almost getting quite suspicious of the Naturals, wondering if maybe they're not as trustworthy as people think. It almost seems like they're trying to garner favour by blessing people, but maybe it's just a means of control...of course, there's also a 90% chance I'm barking up the wrong tree, but hey, it's good to have a story people can speculate about.

I do think you could try and cut the backstory and magical theory discussion down somewhat, because this chapter segment is very exposition-heavy. It isn't really until Ilami tells Gael about the whole spying business that we see any proper strides towards plot progression. It's worth scattering exposition around rather than keeping it in one big chunk, because it can get a bit dry to read when it's all lumped together.

3) I get that Gael is grateful to Venaria, but I think he should be a bit more uneasy and confused about Ilami being told to supervise him. I feel like the immediate response to being told something like that would be more along the lines of 'did she say why?' Even if he does trust that she has a good reason for it, I still think he'd be keen to know more about her intentions. Especially considering he's had such a hang-up about being 'weak' in the past - you'd think he might react negatively and assume Venaria, thinking him too vulnerable to protect himself, had sent her daughter to watch over him. It's odd that he's so dismissive.

4) Food for thought for the future, but I would like to see more interactions between characters that aren't just about magic and lore. It would be good to see them talk more casually, like actual friends. I particularly want to see Ilami faced with a conversation that isn't about fighting, the academy or magic; I feel it could really reveal her oddities. Her personality still doesn't feel like it's fully come across to me yet.

That's it for today! Your grammar generally wasn't too bad, but watch out for your auxiliaries and, as always, keep an eye on tenses. Content-wise, I like that we get to find out more backstory about the world - you're great at the worldbuilding stuff - and see a bit more of Gael's personality, but this does feel like quite an uneventful chapter segment on the whole. Nevertheless, you've said that the next half is going to be dramatic, so I'll hold back on judging too much until I've read the whole chapter.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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GreenTea wrote a review...



Greenteas and salutations my dear friend!
My name is GreenTea and I'm here to review! I hope none of the constructive criticism will be taken negatively and the positive comments will help inspire you to continue. Let's get into the review!

First off, I LOVE LOVE LOVE these types of stories, so I'm going to have to go back and read what happened before. From what I understand, these characters are in some sort of magic school? It also seems like these characters have some chemistry going on, hmm?? Anyway, enough with the plot. Let's talk word usage. I thought that you had a relatively extensive vocabulary and the mixture of the Estess language to add more immersion into the text. I really liked how you used your descriptions to create a palpable mood. Furthermore, you also gave us a very good explanation about the type of magic you are using in this story.

Now let's get to the notes!
1) "‘The difference between basic and advanced Natural spells is the direction of the elements which they are based on,’ Gael said, raising a finger, his eyebrows raised."
You have some word repetition here. Maybe use a different word other than "raised"? Maybe "lifted" or something of the sort. You have to be careful not to use the same words in the same sentence.

2) "‘ignis waracia, legacia, melisia,’ he said, the knowledge of the spell surfacing in his mind like a floating ice."
The floating ice statement is a little confusing. Maybe instead of "a floating ice" use something like "ice floating in a pond" or "ice floating in a drink".

3) "Gael told his thought about it."
Again, some grammatical errors here.

4) "Gael didn’t like the intonation Ilami used to describe it."
I don't think 'intonation' is the right word to use for this particular instance. Try a different word like "tone" or "feelings"

5) "Ilami let out a sigh of relief."
This seems like a bit of an awkward way to end the chapter. It leaves us with a lot of questions and it gives the implication that there should be something after it.

Well that's all I have for now! Hope I gave you a quali-tea review!
再見
Zàijiàn!
~GreenTea





If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman