z

Young Writers Society


16+

Something More, Something Unique Chapter 8

by DeerInBacPac


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Attention! I will start every chapter with a quote and whoever's perspective it is in!

Chapter 8 - Griffin

Thank you @Feltrix for the quote! If you have a quote, go to my forum, Quotes!

Hello. I’m the Doctor. Basically… run.

-11th Doctor

As we walked through the woods, the gears in my brain were turning.

So, Nat’s father killed himself but she thinks differently. But why was she placed into Ripper in the first place? That was what was bugging me the most. Why, if she seems fine right now?

I looked at her again, her heart filled with six strings, three of which were snapped. Smaller pieces of the string were hanging limp at the sides. The other three were different colors. One was a light pink for liking someone, another a sunshine yellow. That color was for happiness. It was obvious to me that Nat had experienced very little of it in her life.

And the last color? The last color wasn’t a color. It was the color of night sky. The string was filled with twinkling stars. Without a doubt, I knew what it was for. It was for her feeling like she finally had freedom, the space to roam.

Mark, his were different.

A light blue was for us to know that he was trustworthy, an extremely bright yellow and light purple for being goofy. The other three were like Nats. Rusted, snapped and limp.

The snapped strings… they gave me a sense of dread. Like an alarm was going off in my head, trying to warn me of something.

My shoes crunched against the ground, twigs and leaves snapping underfoot. The trees were unlike the ones back home and the grass, the grass seemed like it would be soft.

We stopped in the middle of a meadow, the moon high in the sky. The stars twinkled in the sky, reflecting into Nat’s eyes.

Her blue eye was glowing while her brown eye, her brown eye didn’t look so plain anymore. It looked like liquid gold in the moonlight. It looked spectacular.

Mark began talking then, his voice ripping my eyes away from Nat.

After he explained what he wanted us to do, me and Nat looked over at one another. Why did he want us to do this?

I stood still for a split second. But then I listened. I relaxed, my brain finally calming down. It was nice, for once in my life, to feel the tension melt away. To feel some of the stress just disappear.

But then, right as Nat began to rise up, I fell. Pain was spiking through me. And by the Celestials did it hurt. It hurt so much. But then, as fast as it had come, it was gone. The whole world looked more vibrant than before, more smells adequately than before.

Something felt heavy on my back, and even though it was night, it looked rather bright out. I cocked my head, noise sound louder. 

“Hey, Nat wha-” I began to ask her but she stopped me.

“It’s 11:07pm.” She told me as we looked over one another. She was… she was magnificent. I didn’t have the words to describe her.

Horns curled around her head while huge wings rested behind her back, identical to the night sky. Scale patches riddled her skin as well, a few of her fingernails were talons instead. They glinted in the moonlight. Her shoes were ruined but she didn’t seem to mind. Lastly, a tail swished behind her.

“You look-” I started but she finished for me.

“Amazing. Yeah, you do.” Nat told me, smiling. A few of her teeth were now pointed, sharper than before. The stood out against her duller teeth.

Chuckling, we both looked back at Mark. He was smiling again.

“You’re creeping me out, seriously. You smile too much.” I told him while looking at my hands. They were covered in soft, winter white fur with swirls of gold. A few of my fingers were long nails, like a dogs. 

“And you don’t talk enough. Well, not enough for Nayleth. Now, sit down.” Mark snapped back, referring to the ground.

I sat down, Nat doing the same. And I was right, with the grass feeling soft. It was like a blanket almost.

“Sooooo, whats going on, exactly? You brought us into the middle of this damned forest, only to lead us into this meadow and have us release our forms. Do tell, Mark. Do tell.” Nat calmly stated while running her hands over the grass. I just watched her fingers, performing the same pattern. Front, back. Front, back. Her eyes were scuttling back and forth between me and Mark.

Mark chuckled slightly, as if laughing at his own personal joke before answering. “What I would love to know about you,” he began, a tone of playfulness in his voice. “Is if you know what you are. The both of you.”

Me and Nat looked at one another, confused.

Mark laughed out loud this time, his voice hearty and the noise filling us both with the sense of calm.

“You two, you have so much to learn. I must say, I wasn’t expecting the next Abis and Holy Keepers for a few months. Maybe a year.” he told us, his smile playful and his eyes having the same sparkle in them as Nat’s did.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
206 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 206

Donate
Mon Dec 11, 2017 12:11 am
DeerInBacPac says...



@DemonGoddess YOU NEED TO CATCH UP REVIEWS PLEASE PLEASE YOUR MISSING SO MUCH

AND I NEED A PERSON TO TALK ABOUT MY WORK WITH IN REAL LIFE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Okay, ummm, this is chapter eight so if need to be please go back and read other chapters so you don't spoil somethings for yourself. And, there is a line or two that might have you going, oooooooooooooooooo I see what you did there.




User avatar
641 Reviews


Points: 46598
Reviews: 641

Donate
Fri Dec 01, 2017 9:32 pm
View Likes
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Flumadiddle. I'm back again. Sorry for the wait! I'm determined to get back up to date with this after dropping the ball for so long.

Blue text = suggested changes.

Nitpicks

And the last color? The last color wasn’t a color. It was the color of night sky.


Sooo...it is a colour, then? It's a bit silly to say it's not a colour and then immediately classify it as one in the next sentence. If it's the shade of the night sky, it's either going to be something like black or navy blue, so I don't see why it's such a struggle for him to describe. You could easily have something like:

The last string was a strange, lustrous navy, speckled with silver like the sky on a clear night.

The other three were like Nat's.


The trees were unlike the ones back home and the grass, the grass seemed like it would be soft.


Can you be more specific about how the trees are unlike the ones at home?

Mark began talking then, his voice ripping my eyes away from Nat.

After he explained what he wanted us to do, me and Nat looked over at one another. Why did he want us to do this?


Is there any particular reason that we don't actually hear Mark's dialogue here? To me, it just feels like you're cutting corners. I found the next bit of the chapter quite confusing because you didn't actually show us Mark telling us what they were supposed to do.

Pain was spiking through me.


As I've mentioned before, you have a strange habit of using the progressive tense where you really don't need to. 'Pain spiked through me' would be perfectly fine - I think it would have more punch, actually.

The whole world looked more vibrant than before, more smells adequately than before.


Adequately? For one, it should be an adjective rather than an adverb (i.e. 'the smells more adequate than before'), but the real issue here is that 'adequate' just seems like a strange descriptor. I'd expect you to say the smells were stronger than before or more intense than before. 'Adequate' is odd, because it basically means 'satisfactory'. It's like saying 'the smells more satisfactory than before'.

“Amazing. Yeah, you do." Nat told me, smiling.


1) Do you mean 'yeah, you too'?

2) Commas! Close! Dialogue! Yet what do you have in this quote, dear Flumaddidle? A full stop! *Squirts you with spray bottle*

A few of my fingers were long nails, like a dogs.


Do you mean he has long nails at the end of his fingers, like dog claws? Saying the entirety of his fingers are nails creates a very strange image. They've gotta be attached to something.

Overall Thoughts

1) Not much seems to actually happen in this chapter, which is a shame. It feels a bit disjointed, like Griffin moves from thought to thought without enough clear connections between them. I'd like to see fuller descriptions of things. Describe the forest they're in at more length; describe the specifics of the pain Griffin experiences. Slow the pace down and fill in the gaps. I want to see Mark actually explain what he wants them to do, as I think that will help the chapter feel less confusing.

2) I'm quite intrigued by this whole heartstrings thing, but I can't really visualise how Griffin sees it. Is it like he can x-ray through their chest to their literal heart, or is it more like he just gets a sense of it on some other plane, like he can picture it in his head? I just wasn't clear on how to imagine it, so maybe try and explain that a bit more.

I also question that there are only six strings. I can't believe the traits of any one person could ever be condensed into six components - people are too complex. You'd think there'd be hundred and hundreds of strings in her heart.

3) I'm not really sure why Griffin doesn't freak out more at Nat and him changing appearance. Even if he grows to appreciate it, it would still be disorientating and pretty scary the first time because you wouldn't be fully sure what to expect.

I'd also like a bit more detail on how the transformation process takes place - particularly how they actually invoke it. It seems oddly easy for them, like they just had to calm their minds and then they were in business. Considering how monumental the change is, I feel like it would be a lot more interesting if it was something they had to learn to do, or something they struggled to do outside of particular circumstances. Now you're delving more into the fantasy elements of this story, you need to start thinking in detail about your magical system and how you're going to restrict it and make sure it has limitations. If Griffin and Nat can just change into their full meta forms with no real difficulty and only a few moments of temporary pain, it all becomes too easy. You need to have costs and obstacles somewhere along the line.

That's all for today! I'll try to critique chapter nine over the next few days, but I've got a lot of other reviews to do so there might be a bit of a delay. I'm keen to learn the truth about Griffin and Nat, but I feel like the story lacks a substantial bit of drama at present. There's no jeopardy propelling the characters forward and none of them seem to be striving for an actual goal, so the story is a bit aimless. I want to see you establish what the arc of your plot is. Until then, it's not really going to take off. The world itself is original and has great potential; it just needs shaping around a clear central conflict.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




User avatar
766 Reviews


Points: 650
Reviews: 766

Donate
Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:37 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Flumadiddle and happy review day. I'm just dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

Now of course I haven't read any of the previous chapters but we're going through some green room clean up, so that's to be expected. Hopefully it won't hinder me too much, but knowing me, this review might be screwed.

As we walked through the woods, the gears in my brain were turning.

This could mean a heck of a lot of things and I am doing some major assuming here, considering what could have gone on in the previous chapter. This usually points to there being some bi event and revelation that the main character finds out something and then tries to process it. I say tries because obviously if they're still trying to figure it out in this chapter, they failed to do so on previous attempts.

So, Nat’s father killed himself but she thinks differently. But why was she placed into Ripper in the first place? That was what was bugging me the most. Why, if she seems fine right now?

Next line explains some of the puzzle, acts as a stand in for the people trying to catch up, but of course confuses the person who hasn't been paying attnetion at all. I'm wondering what the reference to Ripper is all about, what that character or name means within this world, and i will go along the lines of it has to do with death. No way something called ripper isn't associated with death, unless you're talking about seam rippers, even though that could still happen.

I'm oddly intrigued by all of this because really not many green room novels ever catch my eye. You seem to be pretty sure of your characters and how the story is working, even thought I honestly haven't read the rest beyond the first few paragraphs. I'll get to it eventually but I'm just trying to keep all of these thoughts straight in my head.

For the rest of it, there's nothing I feel like quoting but the heartstrings and true form thing is rather interesting, almost merits me going back and reading the rest. It makes a surprising amount of sense to me and I would certainly like to hear more, so if you need another reader for this, drop me a line.
~Lizz




DeerInBacPac says...


Please, the more readers the better! I make sure to tag you in the newer chapters. The old ones are in my portfolio.



User avatar
52 Reviews


Points: 1508
Reviews: 52

Donate
Thu Nov 23, 2017 9:13 pm
jimss23 wrote a review...



Jimmy here

Yo

I hath slithered out of the gutter whole I found myself in and decided to pop open my laptop and do a little review. Again. May God have mercy on your soul.

Customary disclaimer, I can't do grammar (Insert amusing analogy here) and I struggle with human emotions over a computer. (Eh, never really been my thing).

Now that we got all that out of the way,

Let's Rock

Alrighty-oh, a new chapter, new characters (that I get to get a review for). So, please forgive me if I say anything stupid that was explained in other chapters. I still haven't done an in-depth reading (My B).

1) I'm gonna have to say again that you have a little too much exposition in your main character's thoughts. This time, instead of an info dump, it is usually in the last sentence of a description in which you tell not show. Examples:

"Her blue eye was glowing while her brown eye, her brown eye didn’t look so plain anymore. It looked like liquid gold in the moonlight. It looked spectacular."

You really should cut out "It looked spectacular" as it is redundant (and kills the mood a little). The words before convey that she looked spectacular (nice descriptions by the way).

"She was… she was magnificent. I didn’t have the words to describe her."

You just used words to describe her. This is a common one, but you don't want to say "no words describe it/them" after you used words to describe the thing. It's a little silly.

2) OK! I am going to assume for the sake of this review that we are doing a Nat/Griffin romance arc so I will be working from there. Right now, you got some good stuff going, but again I have to say you should watch your pacing. Now, this is a personal thing, but I would just give the slightest hints that something is blooming. You are still in the eighth chapter and have a lot of room to work with and I suggest slowing it way down. Dragging out a relationship is an awesome way to keep the reader engaged.

3) "After he explained what he wanted us to do"

You lost me there. I'm guessing you just forgot to add in what he was asking them to do or I am an idiot who missed something (It's probably the second one. I'm dumb. But still, you probably want to make it really clear what is going on.)

4) "So, Nat’s father killed himself but she thinks differently. But why was she placed into Ripper in the first place? That was what was bugging me the most. Why, if she seems fine right now?"

This sentence is... awkward. I don't know exactly why and I can't quite put my finger on it. My guess would be that it has too many punctuations and you probably need to string it together and it is a strange combo of exposition and internal thought.

Ok, that's it for me. I hope this helped somehow. Let me know if ya want me to do any more reviews.

Cheers,

Jimmy.

(Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it btw.)




User avatar
206 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 206

Donate
Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:19 pm
DeerInBacPac says...



@DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @DarkPandemonium @Irislillygray @Steggy @jimss23 @WhosabellCanWrite




IzzyIsHappy says...


Ahem



IzzyIsHappy says...


WHY U NO NOT TAG ME?



DeerInBacPac says...


OH SORRY




You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor