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E - Everyone

For Em- The snake story

by WhosabellCanWrite

Once there was a handsome snake named peter wearing a sombrero. He was lonely and wanted to find love. One day while he was slithering on his merry way, he spotted a bright yellow snake wearing a flower on her head. They hissed at each other and it was love at first hiss.

They got married and had snake babies and the end.

Author's note-  This was written for @Flumadiddle and I hope you enjoyed it

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57 Reviews

Points: 1635
Reviews: 57

Tue Nov 14, 2017 4:34 pm
Saruka wrote a review...

Hi WhosabellCanWrite! Saru here for a hopefully helpful review!
I'm going to get constructive criticism out of the way first so we can get on with what was great about this.

One day while he was slithering on his merry way

Do you think 'One day while he was merrily slithering along on his way' might work better?
They got married and had snake babies and the end.

This sentence seems extremely abrupt and slightly unprofessional, as it seems like a run-on sentence. You may want to reword it along the lines of 'They ended up getting married and having 150 baby snakes together. [separate paragraph] The End.'

And... that's it for constructive criticism! This was a cute piece! It was kind of short, but I liked it nonetheless!

Keep writing!


Thank you!

User avatar
206 Reviews

Points: 2082
Reviews: 206

Tue Nov 14, 2017 3:55 pm
Flumadiddle wrote a review...

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :smt020

*Looks at story and smiles while Grim is giggling*
Giggling?! THIS is new for you, Grim.
Shut up and get this review on the road.
Okkie dokkie artichokkie.

So, the name "peter" must be captilized. "One day" should have a comma after it and the ending, I feel like you could have made it flow better. (I know this was because you were bored but maybe make the ending a tiny bit better? Just, a TINY bit?)

Otherwise, I loved the story, *snorts from laughter*, and keep up the good work! Happy Thanksgiving! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

Grim giggling?! Wow

Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
— Jack Sparrow