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16+

Introduction

by randomnessforlife


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Once, there was a girl who loved adventure. She wanted to travel the world, fight bad guys, and explore. Sadly, though, this girl was from the horrible and gruesome future. 4078 was the year, and seven families controlled the world. There was seven giant plantations - one plantation in each continent. The seven continents, or families, controlled the population of the continent they lived in(there’s people that live in Antarctica in the future). Everyone except the seven families were slaves, and the world was trapped and enslaved. Now, back to the little girl, she was the only daughter in the family that controlled Europe. She lived in a mansion and had a giant room with a pool and flat screen tv. She had everything one would want, but, the little girl’s dream was to explore the world. Her parents didn’t even let her go outside and curiosity grew inside of her the more she thought about the outside world.

On her tenth birthday, all the powerful families were at her mansion. It was sort of like a ball, not a regular ten year old’s birthday party. The girl wanted to throw mud balls at people, not dress up and dance. But, she couldn’t find any kid her age that wanted to do such a thing. The children of the powerful families were already educated, greedy, and prideful. So, the girl told herself that it was her birthday, and on her birthday it was her day. She could do anything she wanted, so, when no one was looking, she went to the large mansion entrance door. She opened the door and saw a room full of six different jets. Well, that explains how the families got here, but the girl wanted to know what the outside of the mansion looked like. So, she looked past the jets and to the walls of the large room. She eventually found a crack in the wall, big enough for one eye to look through. Without hesitation, the girl looked outside and saw hell. People everywhere looked like they were in pain and misery, their skinny bodies in rags, while they were mining for ore. Even three year olds were mining while in physical pain! Everything was grey and sad. There were no rainbows. No happiness. Just dark, grey, and sad. The girl couldn’t look outside anymore. She wanted to run to her family and tell them what she saw, but they wouldn’t believe her because she was just a child. So, while ignoring her party guests trying to talk with her, she ran to her room. She lay on her big, comfortable bed in the dark. She couldn’t go to sleep because of her uncomfortable, puffy dress, so she quickly slipped it off and dove under the covers. The girl shut her eyes, wanting what she just saw to vanish. It helped that none of the party guests nor her parents came into her room to check on her, so she was able to go to sleep in no time.

Even after the girl saw hell, the girl dreamed of something happy. She dreamed of a teenaged girl with long green hair, blue hands and feet, pink eyes, and wore clothes that a man would wear, not a woman. In the dream, the teenager was living the little girl’s fantasy: exploring the world and fighting bad guys. Somehow, the teenager made the girl feel like everything was alright. The little girl didn’t have to worry or feel bad about what she saw outside. She felt like the teenager was coming soon to make everything alright. And she will, for the little girl was dreaming of Para Dise.


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9 Reviews


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Reviews: 9

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Wed Nov 15, 2017 2:42 am
Irislillygray says...



I liked it very interesting!




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Tue Nov 14, 2017 6:20 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Wow! I love these futuristic stories! This one has all the indications of being a real blockbuster! It reminded me of the Sci Fi film Dune where certain families controlled the universe. As a reader I am left with the desire to read more of your story. To find out what happens to this little girls. To become familiar with Para Dise person who appears in her dreams.

I also got the impression that your intended reader is perhaps a child. Why? Because the style and vocabulary seems like a bedtime story a parent would tell a child. Still I found it very charming. So in that sense the story is definitely well-written ad will be a success if it can sustain tat charm in the following chapters.

Suggestions:

Please explain why the girl doesn't believe that the adults who flew in on jets, or her parents, aren't aware of how conditions are outside the house.

Please note that the contraction “there’s” means “there is”. So if we say “There’s people...” What we are saying is “There is people....” “There’re people....” Which means “There are people....” is the correct contraction.

Avoid Redundancy:
This means that we should try not to give the same information twice or more times. This happens in the expression below.

“Everyone except the seven families were slaves, and the world was trapped and enslaved. ” See the repetition?

Also, if we are illogical we will cause the reader to pause.

“....curiosity grew inside of her”

Where else could curiosity grow?




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Sun Nov 12, 2017 5:35 am
Querencia wrote a review...



Hello randomnessforlife! Welcome to YWS. :) (you can let me know if you have any questions!)

So, in the very title you say this is an introduction. While it is an introduction, it's much more like a summary. I assume that if this is an introduction, then the main plot will take place with the girl, Para Dise, and the outside world. However, you could extend this a lot more.

For example, I would make the introduction really an introduction to the setting. Describe this dark world and new age in detail, maybe a little history. Then, in the first chapter, bring I the little girl as a part of one of the families and her birthday party. This is just how I would set it up; in any case, you bring up a lot of information that you simply skip over and it might be best to go into more depth.

I think your paragraphs are a little long, so in the future you may want to consider breaking them up a little more. You also use "so" a lot at the beginning of your sentences, especially in the middle paragraph. By the way, is the girl ever going to have a name? If so, you may want to introduce it here. Why introduce the dream girl as Para Dise if the real girl doesn't have a name?

Okay, even if you don't want to extend your introduction in a major way and split off the world background from the girl's life, you could use some more description. You're telling the reader lots of information rather than showing it. You say the world is a terrible place outside? Describe the haggard, hopeless faces and the smoke from factories and the fires burning through the night. It sounds better and it packs more of an emotional punch!

(there’s people that live in Antarctica in the future)

That's kind of casual, and it's just explaining more when it can be inferred from the "seven continents" bit. You also say "the future" when talking to readers, but it's the current setting of the book. It's the future for us, but you've already showed that through the year. You don't need to tell us it's in the future, just show us what it's like at that time! Does that make sense?

Overall, I like how you've set this up and I'm curious to see where it goes. If you have any questions about my review or anything else, feel free to ask! Good luck with your writing, keep it up. :)

-Q




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Sat Nov 11, 2017 11:31 pm
Thundahguy wrote a review...



So, hey! Infodumps in the first paragraph. Those are fun! Except they aren't. Hi, I'm Thundahguy, and I just had to write an infodump for a chapter, so here's my critique:

I have no idea what kind of story you're trying to make, so I can't offer much advice. But I'll do my best to at least give you a proper way to introduce your story.

First of all, the first paragraph is unnecessary. We have a girl, she wants to adventure, that's good for now. We don't need to know about these all-powerful families, at least at the start. The six jets in the second paragraph could be used to show the families' powers, instead of just outwardly explaining it. The slaves are definitely not necessary information. In fact, stating it here weakens the story, since we know when the girl is checking the crack that it'll be something related to that.

Other than that, it's... intriguing? It's the same sort of dystopian premise that you typically see, but then you introduce what could be assumed to be a fantasy element at the end. Again, I have no clue what type of story you're trying to write. So, uh, work at it and I'll come and see what you release next.





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