z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Something More, Something Unique Chapter 6.2

by DeerInBacPac


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Attention! I will start every chapter with a quote and whoevers perspective it is in!

“Forgive me. I continue to underestimate the breadth of your ignorance.”

-Miss Peregrine

Thank you @Feltrix for the quote!

Nayleth - Chapter 6.2

I sat on my bed, surrounded by J, Sully and Griffin. Griffin was looking at me, a wonder-filled look in his eyes while he played with his shirt sleeves. Sully was sketching in his huge book and J was staring at Griffin.

But I just kept gazing into the bed that was an exact replica of the one I had when I was younger. The same speckled quilt and squishy pillow. The same bedside stand with the picture of my father and mother, both of them around the age of twenty-two.

Running my fingers over the quilt, I questioned everything that had happened in the past day.

I mean, there was a damn good chance that I was hallucinating. Why the hell would this be real, this bright world that, behind the curtains, must have a darker side? Why would I be this lucky? And how did I have exact replicas of items from my room?

I took in a deep breath, smelling honey, wheat and pine trees. The more I focused on the smells, the more I realized they belonged to a person. The people in the room to be exact.

“Hey Nat,” Griffin said, dislodging my train of thought. “Can we talk... in private?”

I slowly nodded my head in agreement, wary of what was to happen.

J and Sully just looked at us oddly, both walking out of the room.

“That was thoughtful. Anywho, Nat, are you sure we aren’t going crazy? That you aren’t crazy? And why does it feel like we know one another? Why? That’s not normal.” Griffin told me, urgency in his voice.

All I did was look at him. His eyes were boring into mine, his face showing clear worry. I wasn’t talking. I noticed that scars traced his arms and a few were on his neck. They looked like burn marks.

“It is odd. All if this is so damn odd. And yes, I am probably in the loony bin already but might as well enjoy it. I cannot go back to the world that I know. Neither of us can,” I said while gesturing to the scars along his skin. He immediately covered his scars and I smiled slightly.

I ran my hand through my hair, nervously. Then the pain spiked through my ears again but then it traveled through my back and limbs and everywhere.

But, being me, I hid the pain and kept talking. “Scars are not something to be ashamed of.”

Griffin slowly nodded in response and stopped hiding his scars. They were burn marks. From cigarettes. I could still smell them.

“I don’t know my parents. Only their names. Ace and Blitz Griffin. My foster parents…. well, just look at my arms and my neck and just me.”

“And my father committed suicide. I sometimes think that he is still alive. Every once in awhile, I can hear his voice. Sometimes he says goodnight and others… others he is telling me to do something. That was a long while ago though.”

“Oh. Wait… I remember my foster parents talking about your father. Saying that he was a scum. An alien is this society. That he was good friends with… oh.”

But neither of us had to continue what Griffin was about to say. We knew. We knew that our parents were close family friends and the more I thought about it, the more memories began to resurface.

A memory of me and Griffin sitting on the swing set, both of us only four or three appeared first. The swings were new and held no sense of dread yet. Another one was of the last time we would see one another. His father, Ace, was talking with mine-Jesse. They both looked over at me, then Griffin. My father mumbled something about us both becoming more than what he would ever be. But we were only toddlers still. Things like that were still too complicated for us to understand. But then again, the more I thought about it, the more I realized my little brain did understand it. To an extent.

Griffin sighed heavily then walked away, gently squeezing my shoulder in reassurance. I hardly even uttered the words thank you and he told me that things would get better, things would change. They always do.

I pulled up the sleeve of one of my arms and looked at the scars that traced it. Some were faded and others were more visible. But they were there. They’ve been there for years. It’s why Ripper doesn’t, no, didn’t allow me to have a plastic knife when I ate. Nothing sharp.

“I am going on a walk.” I said abruptly. Sully scoffed.

“You don’t even know your way around the building, let alone enough to go on a walk!”

“I’ll find my way back.”

“But-” Sully began and Griffin clasped a hand around his mouth, interrupting him and urging me to go. I looked at Griffin and laughed the most genuine laugh I had in years. He smiled like a wolf in response.

Without another word, I walked out the door, wondering why I was even going out in the first place.

---

My shoes hit the ground, pounding against the waxed floor. I ran my hands against the stone walls, the rough edges feeling like tiny daggers. I pulled my hand away, hating the feeling that I used to love.

The halls weren’t filled with lockers. They were filled with pictures and statues with burn marks. They were filled with platforms that rose high into the air while the roof was glass. They were filled with the energy of the day. And then doors lined the hall. Doors of the teachers.

At the end of the hall was another door but before I could go to see whose door it was, someone stepped out from behind it.

I immediately ducked behind a statue, the granite smooth at some places. My breathing got quieter, my pulse slowing down. I was squished behind it, my cheeks pressed against the cool stone.

Mark walked by me and I stopped breathing completely. His wings were draped behind him like a cape, his colored eye glowing brightly in dark halls.

He kept walking and his talons clicked against the floor. But then he stopped.

“Nayleth, come here.” His slight accent rang through my ears. He stood in front of the statue now, smiling a smile that was worthy of my father.

I wiggled my way out from behind the statue, now noticing Griffin at the end of the hall. He froze when he saw Mark and began to run back toward the room.

“Claric, come here as well. I need to talk to the both of you.” Mark told us, Griffin now running toward us.

I looked at Griffin, an eyebrow raised. He gave a weak smile and shrug in return. Out from the corner of my eye, I saw Mark smile ever so slightly.

He walked a bit ahead of us, me and Griffin both following him and wondering where we were going, as well as what he wanted to tell us.

---

We were outside now, in the middle of the forest the lined the school grounds. The trees were odd here. The leaves were fat and the tops of them were a deep purple. Underneath was a bright blue that seemed to glow under the mask of the darkness. Small mushrooms and flowers also shared this trait, all different colors.

I had taken my shoes off by now. Its this odd thing of mine, where I will randomly take off my shoes and set them somewhere. I’ve always preferred barefeet from having them confined in evil cloth and runner contraptions.

Griffin walked beside me, his breath coming out in frost. He had taken off his coat a while back, sweat dribbling down his temple.

On the other hand, I had stolen Griffins sweatshirt again. I was beyond freezing and Griffin seemed beyond hell’s temperature.

A clearing was in front of us now, grass covering it.

Mark held up a hand, surprising me.

“I didn’t trip!” I mumbled to myself. I am a naturally clumsy person, and not being clumsy for once was nice.

Griffin chuckled when hearing my exclamation and Mark laughed as well.

Mark turned around toward us, his grin that of the Cheshire Cat.

“So, it's 11:24pm, way after curfew. You are in the middle of a clearing with the headmaster of the school that trains metas. Yet, neither of you are questioning me like most would. Why?” Mark blurted out.

“Because, your hands were not clammy. You were calm, collected. You walked with a measure of reassurance. But what gave away the most was your pulse. It was slow, deliberate. If it was fast, jumpy almost, then that would have given away that you were planning something sinister, to say the least. And you were in your form. From what I have gathered from the short time of being here, none of the students have seen you like that. Yet, you are trusting us. Complete strangers.” I replied as quickly as the golden snitch from Harry Potter.

His smile widened before he answered. “That is more than a normal meta would notice. Griffin?”

Griffin shuffled on his feet, answering with a ducked head. “Um, uh, sorry I didn’t tell you this earlier Nat but… um, I can’t hear his pulse. But his heartbeat, now that I can hear. But I can see strings in his heart and yours. In everyone's. They have colors and others have snapped, like a violin. The colors of yours were a sky blue, the color of trust. Don’t ask how I know, I just do.”

“Indeed. But strangers, sometimes strangers are just people you’ve met before Nayleth. Even if you don’t know that.

“Now, I need the both of you to focus. Deep breaths and let the pain that has spiked through you all day go. Let it eat away at you until you can’t take it anymore.” Mark said.

Me and Griffin looked at one another but listened.

The moment I did what he asked, I fell to my knees. I clawed at my ribs and my face. My lungs felt like they were on fire, my back as if dull razors were cutting through it. Then, with the last of the pain receding, I stood up. I could feel a slight weight on my back, a few of my finger heavier than others. But my sense of belonging, of peace had returned. I felt happy.

I looked at Mark.

“What just happened?”

His grin grew.

“I was right. Auggie wasn’t. He owes me a Nixxie bar.” was all he said.

Me and Griffin looked at one another in silence. One, because he looked badass and two? Two because Mark was being so confusing.

So, I guess this is where things get interesting. 


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Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:01 pm
LakeOfCancer says...



OHMYGOD! MISS PEREGRINE QUOTE! I LOVED THAT MOVIE AND BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


You are amazing for writing that quote




DeerInBacPac says...


Thank you! Did you like the chapter?



LakeOfCancer says...


I've liked all the chapters flumes....why would you bother asking a question like that!? :D I love all fantasy and supernatural and action adventure stories, I have a ton in my book shelf!



DeerInBacPac says...


I just don't think anyone likes my story. I think they just read it because they feel like they have too.



LakeOfCancer says...


this is me you're speaking to flumes...if i dont like something, i either avoid completely or i dont write a review at all, in this case, if i write a review or comment something half way through the story, im in love with it cause i cant stop reading it! so of course i love this!!!!! :D



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Wed Nov 22, 2017 12:19 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Flumadiddle! Pan finally back to review. Sorry it's taken me so long - busy times at the minute. I'll try to be extra-thorough to make up for the wait.

(Blue text = suggested changes.)

Nitpicks

The same bedside stand with the picture of my father and mother, both of them around the age of twenty-two.


I think you could take the opportunity to talk a bit more about this picture. Where was the photo taken? Do her parents look happy in it? Are they standing a distance away from one another? Giving us details like that will help the reader form an idea of what kind of relationship Nayleth's parents had.

The more I focused on the smells, the more I realized they belonged to people. The people in the room to be exact.


“And my father committed suicide. I sometimes think that he is still alive. Every once in awhile, I can hear his voice. Sometimes he says goodnight and others… others he is telling me to do something. That was a long while ago though.”

“Oh. Wait… I remember my foster parents talking about your father. Saying that he was a scum. An alien is this society. That he was good friends with… oh.”


There's a lot to work on in this conversation between Griffin and Nat which I'll talk about at the end of the review, but I thought I'd draw my attention to this bit. It just seems so insensitive for Griffin to say this literally less than a second after she's opened up about her father committing suicide. Why wouldn't he tell her he was sorry, that he knew how difficult it was, try to comfort her in some way? He could still mention his foster parents' opinion of her dad, but in more tactful way (e.g. 'I remember my foster parents talking about him sometimes. They...didn't seem to like him much.')

You can have Griffin be insensitive if that's a part of his character, but it needs to be consistent, and Nayleth needs to react to it properly. If she isn't upset or offended or irritated or even just confused that he would be so tactless, it just makes it unrealistic.

A memory of Griffin and I sitting on the swing set, both of us only three or four, appeared first


It’s why Ripper doesn’t, no, didn’t allow me to have a plastic knife when I ate.


This begs the question of exactly what kind of cutlery they did let her eat with. I can understand them not giving her metal cutlery, but not even letting her have a plastic knife seems a bit extreme. You could just say that they supervised her while she ate to make sure she didn't hurt herself.

They were filled with platforms that rose high into the air while the roof was glass.


My pet hate is seeing 'while' where it has no business being. 'While' suggests either that two things are happening at the same time (e.g. 'he cooked while I washed up') or implies some kind of contrast (e.g. 'Tom wanted green paint while I wanted blue'). This means that I read this sentence as meaning:

1) The platforms only rise high in the air when the roof is made of glass (??)
2) The platforms rise high in the air but the roof is made of glass (??)

It just doesn't create the right relationship. You're really making a statement about two separate things: that there are tall platforms and that the ceiling is glass. There's no kind of dependency between them. That means that something like this:

They were filled with platforms that rose high into the air, almost to the glass ceiling.

Would work better. Long story short: scrutinise every 'while' you see. If it's not suggesting a time relationship or a contrasting relationship, it probably shouldn't be there.

Doors of the teachers.


Do you mean doors to the teachers' offices? This makes it sound like the doors literally open into the teachers themselves, like you can climb into their stomachs or something.

in the middle of the forest that lined the school grounds.


I replied as quickly as the golden snitch from Harry Potter.


This is a bit random. I'm not sure I like it. If Nayleth had a long track record of making comparisons to fiction, it would be okay, but it's just so out-of-nowhere that it seems odd to me.

“Indeed. But strangers, sometimes strangers are just people you’ve met before Nayleth. Even if you don’t know that.


Who says this? I'm assuming it's Mark. You'd be better off putting this straight after Nat says her piece about Mark being calm and trusting them, because putting it after Griffin's dialogue makes it seem like Mark is responding to Griffin, not Nayleth. Just try to think carefully about how you structure your dialogue. It needs to follow a logical progression.

Overall Thoughts

1) I am glad that we've finally got some information about how Griffin and Nayleth know each other, but it sort of feels like too little too late. They still need to ask the question way earlier than they do - they should've asked it the moment Gram recognised Griffin back in chapter three, even if they didn't get the answer straight away. That's the kind of change you should make when you revisit the earlier chapters in redrafting.

As for the actual explanation for why they don't remember each other...well, there doesn't really seem to be one. I don't get how they could go from not remembering each other at all to remembering everything the moment they gave it some thought. If it was that simple, they'd have recognised each other ages and ages ago.

So, in short, that resolution needs work. They need to ask about their history earlier in the story, and there needs to be an actual, concrete reason why both of them struggled to recall it. Amnesia can't just come and go whenever it's convenient for the plot.

2) On a similar note, I'm glad that Nayleth is finally freaking out about being in this world, but it's still a) come too late and b) not extreme enough. Her confusion feels like it's there out of obligation, not actual realism.

3) Probably my biggest worry for this chapter is the dialogue. Some of it is okay, but there are big stretches of it that aren't that believable, most notably the conversation between Griffin and Nayleth at the beginning. I think you need to work with the idea that people rarely say exactly what they're thinking, and that basically all conversations are filled with inference. You have this recurring habit of making your characters take really long turns, talking much more than they realistically would. There's often not enough cohesion in the interactions, either - I don't get the sense that the characters are feeding off what each other says and building the conversation as a pair.

Writing good dialogue is no easy task. There's no single piece of advice, but I think it would do you good if you read around for dialogue guides and tips on how to do it well. If you're not already reading the dialogue aloud, make sure you do - I promise it makes a difference. I also think you should try to pay attention to real life speech. Read some transcripts of actual converstions and see how they're structured. Obviously, proper speech isn't really like fictional conversations, but studying it can help you inject the right flavour into your writing.

I'm going have to cut this review here because I've got to get up and eat, but I hope it was still helpful. It isn't a bad chapter, but because the grammar is getting better it means that other flaws - such as the dialogue - are becoming more noticeable by comparison. I know it probably seems like a bore to read transcripts or guides, but if you're serious about getting better, it will help. And maybe I'm a biased linguistics nerd, but I think it can be quite fascinating to realise how people actually speak.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Thu Nov 16, 2017 4:51 pm
CaptainPanda13 wrote a review...



Love it :D




DeerInBacPac says...


Thanks! Have you read the other chapters?





Some of them, Chapter 1,2,3,5, 6.1 and this



DeerInBacPac says...


Oh.



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Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:22 am
DeerInBacPac says...



@DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @DarkPandemonium @Irislillygray @Steggy

Sorry if the ending is really choppy!





"There is nothing to fear from someone who shouts."
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart