Young Writers Society

@ZeldaIsShiek

Hello Flumadiddle! {Welcome to YWS!} Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

My interpretation:

Overall:

This review courtesy of

@ZeldaIsShiek

I feel like this is either deja vu or the binge reviewing catching up to me...

Hello Flumadiddle,

here to review your piece entitled 'Ring around the rosy' (again)

I was unaware that maybe this was part of some kind of series, not that it changes alot. Your poetry titles all link around the same original nursery rhyme 'Ring around the roses' or 'Ring around the rosy' - it includes 'Pocket full of poses' and 'Ashes, ashes' in other variations of the song if you're not familiar.

What was different from the last one I reviewed ( I did it in the 'wrong' order ) is that this one has some major flow issues. At times the lines are brief and that's fine, a caesura always adds emphasis in a poem, but then there are longer lines that leave you breathless and going back to see what on earth you're going on about.

Also I don't understand why you state that you rushed it. Were you strict for time because of school or what. It does save your progress; or you could simply minimise the document and return to it with a fresh mind - giving you time to read through it all and maybe pick up on the flow issues. If you did it under timed conditions then fair enough.

I don't really want to say anything else that involves the flow, although that is a minor setback. I do have a problem with the imagery of this poem. I understand that it isn't always integral for poets to include some sort of imagery all the time, but this theme is based around the idea of 'negativity' and 'darkness' - your anagrams are always something like 'help me' or 'I can't'.

I also understand that a 14 year old won't have the wide variety of vocab that a professional poet has, but I do feel like the wording was a bit lackluster in some places and there wasn't really anything I can pick out that WOW'd or impressed me.

'foolish' 'crushing' 'plaguing' 'paradise' - If you see what I mean.

I think your other one is definitely better, not to say that this one was bad at all. I just like the consistency of flow and style in poetry far better than it being all over the place, with tedious vocabulary and no imagery to relate to.

But,
with these minor changes I think it will definitely improve it to a certain extent.

If you have questions about my review or any other literary inquires that need answering, please don't hesitate to PM me!

PenmanshipPriority

Heya, Flamididdle. Casanova here to do a review for you! So let's get to it, shall we?

To start off with I think one of my biggest concerns for this is flow wise. There's sudden stops, long pauses, then long lines that make you breathless if you read it out loud, and I didn't quite enjoy that. I say use punctuation to show your flow verbal wise to let us know what exactly it would be like, but that's your decision in the end. Anyway, onwarr.

The next thing i have to say about this poem is it lacks a certain stylistic choice that gives most poetry an extra 10%- Imagery. You have basic thoughts here that pretty much don't connect, and I feel like you could have done better than you did in the first stanza with it. The beginning of the second stanza,"Plaguing me," could have been left out and nothing would have been lost. Anyway, onward.

The next thing is the word choices. For some reason this just comes off as a little dry to me, but that could just mean that it sounds formal, which isn't what I thought you were going for, but if it is, good job!

Overall I think this could use some imagery, some practice, and eventually you'll get where you want to get to with it.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Casanova

Hello E.E I'm here to review your poem
I l o v e your acrostic poem theme, it's lovely.
I also love your use of close rhymes and in line rhymes it really adds more emotion to this poem for some reason?
now lets dig into the actual poem.

I'll tell you the parts that I didn't like so much, just to get it out of the way.

"Letting go is not an option, even when the world is begging so."
I tried so hard to understand this line, but i just couldn't. I didn't feel like it fit to well.

Now I'll tell you the things I do like


"Please, I know this sounds foolish, but everything seems mellow to ones who truly can't tell what is"
This. Line. It's so well written. truly it is. it's honest and I love that.


"So, maybe I can do this alone.

Eventually things will pass but maybe, I will have you in the end."
This was such a happy end that I honestly wasn't expecting.

all in all though I really did like this poem.
also sorry I've been slacking off in the review section I'll get to reading your other works immediately

but yeah good job
I look forward to more of your works in the future
have a good day and happy Halloween 25th!!!
>Adrian

But anyway you get seal of approval *throws actual seal at you*

Sorry that was supposed to be a review.

Hello I'm gonna give you a quick review.

I like the slant rhyme used the the frost to lines.

The fourth line doesn't flow to great. It seems to me that the word mellow is what's throwing it off.

Im a tad bit confused on why you have a comma at the end of the sixth lie? But feel free to let me know in your response.

Other than that it's really good and flows quite well! It's a mighty fine poem.

@Saruka @woahhitherepal

I like the organization and the intended mood of distress is effectively created. I understand the poem as referring to a person who is in a dilemma. On the one hand he feels as if in paradise and on the other there are aspects of that paradise which constantly impel him to want to leave it.

The poem keeps the exact details secret so as a reader all I could understand is the distress. Nevertheless it was an enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing.

Suggestion:

It would be nice if some metaphor or simile could be included.
A little more specific details about what is going on would also be nice.

Howdy! I'm gonna give you a quick review. Warning I'm bad at this. Alright here we go.

Over all the poem is really good and I could notice much wrong with it. The only thing I could see was that you missed a period at the end of the fourth line.

Ok so on a more serious note I really like the poem it's very dark and powerful. It reminds me of something that Edgar Allan Poe would conjure up.