z

Young Writers Society


Language Violence

Runes of wonderland

by MrSanzHatter


No ticking Ch. 1

“Alex… Alex, your late Alex… ALEX!” “Gahhh!” Alex shot up outa bed sweating and breathing rapidly. He looked around his room then over to the alarm clock.

Three am. He sighed and dropped his head into his hands. In about five hours he and his family would be going up to their grandfather estate as they did every year. They had started up family reunions again after Alex’s cousin Alice disappeared over five years ago.

Alex and his uncle were the only ones that still talked about Alice, and even then it’s only to each other. She was always the odd one of the family which is why he always liked her. Alex’s mother never approved though. She thought that Alice was somehow contagious. Alice had lost her father when she was four, Alice’s mother blamed him for the way her daughter was and tried to change her when she refused she just, disowned her.

Her step father Jason on the hand loved her, he understood she was different and (unknowing to Alice’s mother) encouraged it. When the family got together Alex, Jason, and Alice always had a blast. That was until she turned up missing the first time…

She was gone for a couple of days and the family broke into a feud. While some were saying good riddance other’s (mostly Jason and Alex) were fighting about getting help and searching. When she had returned she came back with amazing stories about a place called wonderland. Well amazing to some her mother was disgusted with her telling her how much of an insult it was to soil there good name with her illness. That’s what her mother called Alice’s thoughts, an illness like she wasn’t right in the head.

They’d sent her to an asylum where she stayed for a year. When Alice got back she was changed she was so distant. Never talked, went to school, hung out with Alex or Jason or anyone. She’d stayed at home whenever she could unless she absolutely had to come out. Alice’s mother was at first pleased with her new daughter but over the months she began to worry and began to feel guilty she even tried to talk to Alice about wonderland but she simply said it wasn’t real.

But one day in late December a few days before her nineteenth birthday Alice asked her mother if they could have a get together like they used to. It was the first time Alice’s mother had seen anything other than sadness in her eyes. She immediately agreed and set the whole thing up in a big event.

When the whole family gathered to the lodge she had greeted them with smiles and hugs she thanked all of them for coming and wished them well they found the last half a bit odd but put it out of mind when they had seen the buffet. When Alex and Jason had come through she asked them to follow her. After a while of walking they had reached an old oak. She broke down into tears and embraced them thanking them for always being there for her. There were more tears shed, not necessarily from Alice. Then Alex and Jason went back down to the lodge. After a few hours had past it had become clear Alice was not there, everyone had searched the entire mountain side and not a hint of her was found. They called the police and eventually after they had also failed they gave up hope.

Alex and Jason were the only ones that acknowledged Alice even existed.

Alex crashed back into his bed, sighed, and closed his eyes.

A loud crash shook Alex awake, he rubbed his eyes then shifted his view towards his alarm clock, seven am. He groaned and swung his feet off the bed. “George I swear to god if you do not come here…”Alex’s mother’s voice trailed off. There was another loud crash and the pitter patter of tiny feet. He looked towards his door to see his little brother dash in, shut the door, and sliped under his bed head first.

His mother came bounding soon after her hair a giant mess clothes all dirty and roughed up and eyes flaming. “Where. Is. He” she said stern between heavy intakes of breathe. Alex looked hesitantly at the floor in front of his bed then back up at his mother. “I think, I heard the front door ope…”she shot out of view and he heard the front door slam. Seconds later George wiggled his way out from under his bed and flop back first on Alex’s bed. He turned his enormous grinned face to him and looked at him wide eyed. “Bruder!” He leaped up and gave Alex a hug. He’d obviously forgot he was coming over.

“Hey buddy “Alex said smiling “nice to see your staying out of trouble” he added with a malicious smile his brother returning the same smile “she was twying to put me in panz” he said

”Panz” huh?” ooo that evil women”. Alex replied with the malicious grin, George giggled then hopped up. “You ganna say afer we gut beck?” He looked at him hopefully. “I’ll try, depends when we get beck. “He smiled at him again. “You better get a run on before mom realizes I duped her.” George giggled then ran off.

Alex laughed to himself then stretched his arms above his head yawning in the process. He pulled himself off his bed and planted his feet on the ground he yelped as soon as his foot hit the floor and jumped back on the bed bringing his right foot up on his lap. He looked down to see a broken pocket watch, he looked down at it it was stuck just before twelve. He felt a warm liquid run down the bottom of his foot and looked to see a single drop of blood hit the watch and the dial clicked to twelve.

Alex leaned down carefully over his foot and picked up the old rusty watch and examined it. He flipped open the broken glass lens and a small old note fell out he set the watch in his lap and picked up the note, he felt the crackling of the brittle piece of paper. He carefully unfolded it braking part of the side off in the process and read the old writing “tea time is at 12 don’t be late –NM”. Alex examined the note to see if the was any more writing. After discovering nothing he shrugged to myself and put the watch and note in his drawer and limped off towards the bathroom.

It was 8 o’clock by the time his mother squeezed every one into the car his father still half asleep. Alex looked out the window and began to doze off thinking one last thing who was NM.

“Alex!” Alex shot awake as a snowball splattered across his face. He looked out the van window to see his red faced cousin mercy glaring at him with another snowball in her hand. “You were supposed to help me and Sam you lazy little shit! She shouted at him. He ducked his head down just as another icy ball was shot at his head. He slowly peaked above the door to see her storming into the house.

Alex stepped out of the car rubbing his eyes. As he looked back up he saw Sam, mercy’s husband stepping out of the house. His face lit up as he seen Alex. “Alex, my man” he boasted he jogged over to Alex grasped his hand and pulled him into a hug. “How’s college going bro? Sam asked “it’s going alright, still got another semester to go” Alex replied weakly. Sam took a step back and looked at Alex seriously “you alright man?” Alex kept his head down and nodded. Sam sighed “I know it’s hard, you guys were very close.” Alex fought back tears he just nodded again. Sam socked him in the shoulder lightly “hey Jason will be here in a few I know he’s the only one you can really talk to about it, if you want to go for a walk until then I’ll cover for you bro.” Alex looked up at him “thanks man, you’re the best” ”anytime man” Sam jogged back up into the house leaving Alex out in the snow. He looked around at the mountain.

His great great grandfather built this lodge and they’ve had family get together every year since then. It was built directly on the side of the mountain with tons of hiking trails. Him and Alice use to explore them every time they came. He looked to the beginning of the favorite one and began to climb.

Alex took the last few steps up the trail to the old oak tree, him Alice and Jason use to hang out there to get away from the family. He walked up to the tree and put his hand on their names. This was their tree.

Alex smiled he jumped up and caught the lowest branch he climbed up to their branches they use to sit on. first Jason’s ( the lowest) Alex laughed under his breath. Jason was terrified of heights it took him and Alice an hour to get him in the tree.

He shimmied his way through the branches to his branch. He picked it because it was the most hidden and he could through twigs at Jason. He then climbed to the highest branch, Alice’s. She picked hers because it showed the whole valley below the mountain he leaned back into the tree. He wiped the tears out of his eyes.

After a couple of hours he decided it was time to head back. He climbed down the tree jumped back to the ground as he was looking up a white blur shot behind the tree. He circled the tree and just caught himself as his foot slipped over the edge of a large hole, the oak was just hanging on the side.

He looked over the tree wondering how it has managed to stay up when he heard and odd clicking noise. He took a step back and listened. Alex the felt it on his leg he quickly looked and reached into his pocket and retrieved the old pocket watch. Alex looked at it puzzled. Didn’t I…. Alex began when he heard a dark laughter. Alex began to open his mouth when a cold dry low voice began to speak “you can’t save her, best be on your way. You’re late.” And with that Alex was launched into the abyss below.

Entrance to wonderland CH. 2

Alex awoke to the sound of his alarm he forced his tired eyes open and looked at his alarm clock eight o’clock. He squinted and scanned his room the only thing very visible was a bright light coming from under the door. He pushed himself up and grabbed the back of his head and felt his black hair crunching, he hesitated for a moment he pressed harder then pulled his hand off in pain. His hand was wet in what Alex was pretty sure was blood. He groaned as he swung his feet off his bed and stood up. And whimpered. Alex was by no means a pussy grant it he was 5’11 and only weighed 140 pounds but he played varsity on his football team so he could take a hit but from how his head felt it seemed pretty serious.

He wobbled over to the door and slowly opened it. He was immediately blinded.

As his eyes adjusted to the light he looked forward into the vast empty dessert. “Weird ass dream” he mumbled to himself he turned around to go back through the door and found it missing. He sighed and turned off opposite of the sun and began to walk.

Alex was looking for something he just wasn’t quite sure what that something was. After what felt like hours Alex was starting to get a strange feeling that something wasn’t right, he tried to remember where he had falling asleep that last thing he remembered was the oak tree… his thoughts were interrupted by a dull thud. Alex fell backwards and began rubbing his head. He looked up at an old shack.

It looked to be about 5 ft. wide and 7 ft. tall and looked remarkably similar to an outhouse. Alex stood up and brushed himself off. He began to circle the shack and noticed a large rock a few feet away from the side. He just walked to the side of the rock and stopped dead in his tracks, sticking out just to the side of the rock was a foot.

Alex slowly circled around the rock and began seeing the rest of the… person. Alex was surprisingly calm until he seen the man, or what was left.

It looked to be a soldier from some country. It wore the usual green army fatigues they were old and ragged, his helmet hung over his face leaving only the bone jaw visible. One arm was missing while the other was clenched to his chest holding a note.

Alex thought for a moment “just a dream” he mumbled to himself while reaching for the note just a dr… Alex launched himself back falling to the floor and began sprawling backwards away from the skeleton that was now looking at him with one eye rolling around in the bone socket. His head began to throb in pain. Its bony jaw dropped and a voice spoke as if it were a distant echo, “beware the rabbit hole”.

The Skelton pointed toward the shack note still clenched in its bony fingers. Before Alex had time the register what just happened the Skelton fell apart and turned to dust all the remained was on the top of the dusty pile, an old folded note and an eye.

Alex sat motionless stunned at what he just seen. He slowly came to terms and got up and shook his head and laughed sheepishly “fuck you” he said looking up as if glaring at his head. He got to his feet still shaking, he walked over to the dust pile and swung his arm down and picked up the note and gave the dust pile a somewhat rude gesture as he walked back to the front of the shack. Alex slicked his hair back and sighed he closed his eyes and stared at the sky, “I’m so getting a cat scan when I wake up”. He smiled.

Alex sat down back against the shack and opened the note, all the color drained out of his face. He dropped the note and stared into the darkening sky tears welling in his eyes a single drop ran down his face leaving a trail in its wake, it piled at his chin and the drop fell to the ground hitting the note where “Alice” was written.

As Rain fell from the dark sky Alex finally got the strength to stand up he rubbed his eyes and stared at the sky. He swayed for moment and thought about what was going on. Where had he fallen asleep… he stopped swaying and looked around. It was dark outside the sky was now clear and stars sparkled in the cold night sky.

Alex pulled his phone out of his pocket to find it shattered he shivered and dropped it to ground. He reached down in his left pocket and retrieved the pocket watch from his room. He flipped it open and checked the time the long crooked arrow lay on the six the small plump arrow lay on the nine.

Nine thirty he said under his breath. He began to put the watch back in his pocket but hesitated, Alex quickly searched the ground and found a slightly damp piece of parchment he picked it up and mumbled it to himself his voice cracking as his eyes filled with tears again.

“Now tea time is at precisely ten thirty you must NOT BE LATE Mr. Cheshire shall give you the direction and do watch you’re footing the first step is a doozy.

p.s. Alex make sure you bring the watch he does so hate it when people lose track of time.

- Alice

He scrunched the paper into a ball and through it into the distance, he fell to his knees and stared blankly at the ground. He closed his eyes and in that instant he heard something shuffle in the shack. He got up slowly and walked to the bordered door and peered through one of the cracks. His head began throbbing again.

Alex seen something tip over and fall to the ground he stood on his toes attempting to see the ground of the room when he felt a cold breathe down the back of his neck his body instantly tensed he looked to the corner of his eye and seen something long and fury flick in the air he put more wait on the door getting ready to push himself off and crash into whatever was behind him, but the moment he put his weight on the door it gave way and he crashed through it.

He sprawled around in shock and flipped on his back to face whatever was behind him. But all that was there was the broken door way and the sound of light rain begging to fall. He closed his eyes and started to count. It’s what Alice taught him to do when he was scared, he found that once he reached ten he felt a lot calmer. Keeping his eyes closed he got his feet and looked down.

Eight… nine… Alex said in his head. “Ten.” Said a scratchy voice. Alex stopped, stopped breathing, counting and thinking he opened his eyes and was face to face with a large dark cat, or the head of a cat small slits glowed yellow on the monster’s face and a wide jagged smile stretched from one corner of its face to the other.

“Boo” it said and appeared an inch from Alex’s face he shuffled backwards and lost balance and began to fall into a wide hole he failed to notice. Alex turned his head in time to see the dark abyss closing in fast. He closed his eyes and felt a sudden jerk, he opened one eye and saw a long skinny arm and claw clenching his shirt he looked up and again looked into the glowing eyes. “Please do try not to die on impact” it said in a humorous raspy voice the last thing Alex seen was the beast releasing him and snickering as he watched Alex disappear into the darkness.

Alex had stopped screaming for a while now he fell blissfully through the warm damp hole sailing quickly through odd and ends he passed several book cases, a piano, a couple of small bed frames, and many paintings and drawings.

He looked around and began questioning if he’d ever see the ground again. He immediately regretted the thought as a fast approaching ground had caught his attention.

Alex scanned the walls and found many warning signs saying caution stop and danger. A little too late for that he thought to himself. He looked down and seen a hole in the middle of the floor, Alex stared at it and though for a moment. He had made his decision. He held his breath and balled himself up his feet facing the ground.

He sailed through the floor and crashed into the second layer with a thud Alex rolled over on his back and groaned. He tightly clenched his eyes shut and held his head. Eventually He rolled back onto his knees and slowly stood up, he opened his eyes and looked around it was a small circular upside down room… wait Alex stopped and looked up. There was a table, 2 chairs and several doors in various shapes and sizes. He looked back at his feet and at that moment he lost his grip and crashed into the old table shattering it. He got up from the soft rotten wood and leaned over supporting himself by holding on to his knees.

He looked around again and nearly fell backwards as he seen the large cat upside down staring at him. Alex clinched his fist the cat noticed and simply smiled even wider. it Disappeared and Alex’s eyes got wide he looked around and began to panic. “There’s no need to be afraid dear boy” a mouth and pair of eyes appeared in front of Alex. He stumbled back and hit the wall he sunk down and closed his eyes.

“Alex” said the old cat “my name is Cheshire. I am one of the last of your cousin’s friends and she is in great danger.” Alex’s eyes snapped open, he groaned and grabbed his head, again his hand felt wet. He looked up at the cat. He was fully visible. He had a long skinny body that looked to be about four feet long with a large head and long crooked tail he had 3 legs the last right back one was cut off at the knee. Alex stared the cat in his face now he had many grey streaks and multiple scars. “She needs your help Alex” the cat smile was gone and his eyes sad.

“w-what happen?” Alex managed to stammer out. He noticed he was still shaking he tried to calm his nerves to no avail. The cat sighed and sat down. “Well that a long story you’ll need to speak with Absolem for the full tale but I can tell you the gist. He floated down and sat in front of Alex who tensed but quickly relax when he looked at the cat’s old eyes they were creepy but soft and caring. He began again.

About 5 years ago in your time Alice came and announced she’d be staying forever. We were all so happy.” Cheshire smiled grimly to himself. “The queen announced they’d be having a tea party to celebrate. But something had changed in Alice the look on her face wasn’t alicy.” His expression darkened. “About an hour into the party there was a knock on the door twiddle dee got up and went to invite whoever it was in for it was open to all. Well he opened the door and the last word we heard was, Alice? The last I saw was dee falling backwards and his head missing from his body at that moment there was so much chaos that everyone went completely bonkers. Well for the past twenty years wonderland has been falling apart, some have gone so mad that they’re dangerous to everyone. No one has seen the queen or the hatter since that day.” Alex perked up the hatter he thought he remembered Alice telling him about him.

“The hatter” Alex said “we must find the hatter” he’d help Alice Alex thought Alice talked about him with such greatness that Alex felt he must be a hero. “If only it were that easy like I said no one has seen the hatter in years he could be…” Cheshire’s eyes drifted off but Alex wasn’t listening he was happy beyond belief Alice was still alive. Cheshire seen the look in Alex’s face and smiled it was a look he’d been longing for years. Hope. “Alex” Cheshire said Alex looked up at the cats face. “Before anything we must talk to Absolem. “Who is Absolem” Cheshire smiled “he’s going to like you. But first let me see that bump on your noggin.”

Return

Alex rummage through his pockets and retrieved his beanie stretching carefully over his bandage wincing slightly as it collapsed on his head. “So” Alex began “where do we begin” Alex eyes shifted over to the display of doors. There were 8 in total various shapes and sizes starting with the smallest on the left just the size for a Rabbit to slip through and ending on the right with a door that looked to be meant for a giant.

“Here” Cheshire’s voice came from behind him a bit irritated. Alex turned around to see him shuffling through the remains of the old table. Alex trudged forward toward the table. He looked at the cat pawing through the remains. “What exactly are we looking for?”

Cheshire disappeared leaving Alex alone. Alex glanced down and the splintered mess and beginning shuffling through the pieces. About thirty minutes had passed when Cheshire had finally returned. “Well I found the key did you…” Cheshire stopped when his eyes hit Alex’s body crumbled against the wall. He flew over to his body and quickly checked his pulse it was steady and strong the cat furrowed his old brows and caught a glimpse of a small bottle no bigger than a thumb with the cork dangling at the side by its chain. Cheshire bowed his head sighed then chuckled. He plucked the bottle out of Alex’s hand careful not to spill any or get it to close to himself. He placed the cork back on the bottle and set it on the floor next to the smallest door along with the key and a note. He took one last look at Alex and gave a sad smile, he turned then disappeared.

Alex eyes began to flutter as he tried to open them. After a minute he got them to stay open he glanced around he was still in the small room. Alex slowly got to his feet his legs shanking violently, he used the wall as support. He stood for a moment before bending over puking his guts out.

Alex held his knees shaking he looked up then dropped his head as his head sank he caught a glimpse of a shine. He looked back up and seen a bottle laying on the ground in front of the small door propped up on the bottle was a small folded note and a key.

Alex groaned and shuffled over to the door sliding down the wall he sat down leaning next to it. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and picked up the note.

Alex, I have other business to attend to. I will meet you at Absolem’s. STAY ON THE PATH do not leave it for any reason. When you come to the cross roads go towards the forest then you will follow the smoke. Remember trust no one. – Cheshire

Alex looked up for a moment he remembered something Alice told him about wonderland how trying to make sense of itcan drive you crazy. He snickered “I’m already lost”. He flipped the note over to see more writing.

Oh and take the smallest door to get to the path. Keep the key with you for god sake please don’t leave it anywhere high. Take a small drink of the potion when you’re ready and prepare yourself.

Good luck.

Alex sighed and glanced at the bottle and key. He got up swiping the bottle and key in the process. 


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Tue Dec 12, 2017 9:04 pm
MrSanzHatter says...



hey @Flumadiddle what do you think so far sorry haven't been on or added a lot but i change that soon.




DeerInBacPac says...


Its fine! And I love it! It looks and reads better.



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Thu Oct 19, 2017 8:41 pm
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



Hello, E.E for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa! So, lets get started. :D
Okay, some utter nonsense before I begin. *Gasp really loudly, freaking out internally so the father in the room does not belittle her* *chokes on ginger ale* aLiCe In WonDErlaNd?! I love it so freaking much, you have no idea! My favorite character would have to be the Cheshire Cat. You? This so awesome, so please, tag me in the next part of the story, so on and so forth! Fantastic story, following this through the end!
Okay, E.E, breathe. *Grim looks across the room, looking at me while laughing his scratchy, hoarse voice.*
Anyways, besides the fangirling, I did notice some grammar mistakes and will list them but it seems like @Laurenlovely has most of the grammar and spelling mistakes covered.
The first thing I noticed is at the very beginning. Is it a person talking to him? If so, indent and put quotation marks around what that person is saying. Next up, is the part saying "outa" did you mean to say outta? It would be better to put "out of" more saying correct. Any numbers that are less then three digits should be spelled out. If it something like 345 or 6,872 then they will not be spelled out. Here we have "himself off his bed and planted his feet on the ground he instantly yelped and jumped back on the bed bringing his right foot up on his lap." After "ground" there should be a comma while after "bed" there should be a comma. "As he looked back up he saw Sam mercy’s husband" this should also join the Comma Club as well. You need one after "Sam" and "husband. Also, capitalize the name Mercy. Any time you have a name, capitalize it! Otherwise, Lauren caught most of what i had noticed as well, so I have nothing more to say on this part.
The story was great, I loved and I can not wait for the next chapter! Please, I beg of you, tag me when the next one comes out! Keep up the good work and Happy Halloween! I need to go now, Grim has some more dead to reap and I ran out of cocoa for him.




Laurenlovely says...


I'm just as excited as you are! :D



MrSanzHatter says...


ok let me start with thank you so much that made me so happy i love alice in wonderland and thank you so much ive actually be rewriting this for the past couple of days to fix it and i hope you guys will like it and im just at the point where wonderland comes into play



MrSanzHatter says...


oh and also i really like the Cheshire cat but I've gotta say the mad hatter is my favorite



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Wed Oct 18, 2017 11:35 am
Laurenlovely wrote a review...



Hello MrSanzHatter, and welcome to YWS!! I ~love~ it here and hopefully, you will too! This is Laurenlovely for a ~l<3vely~ review! First of all, I really loved this. I love Alice in Wonderland, and since this seems to be similar to it, I think this series is gonna be a lot of fun! Now let's get to reviewing!

PS: whenever there is one one of these {} it means it has added something better :D

1. 'In 4 hours his family and he' I think we could phrase this differently by saying 'In {four} hours {he and his family}' remember, all numbers under 10 (unless you're naming a time) should be used as a word, not a number. So look through your writing and fix the numbers. :)

2. 'Alex and his uncle were the only ones that still talked about Alice and even then it’s only to each other she' Could be phrased like this 'Alex and his uncle were the only ones that still talked about Alice{,} and even then it’s only to each other{.} {S}he' remember for commas and periods!

3. 'She thought that allice' you probably already notice the typo so go ahead and fix that. :)

4. 'She had lost her farther when she was 4 and allice’s mother blames him for the way her daughter was and tried to change her when she refused she just disowned her.' You could put a comma and period to make it not as rushed, and change farther to father and Allice to Alice to look like this.
'She had lost her {father} when she was {four} and {Alice's} mother blames him for the way her daughter was{,} and tried to change her{.} {W}hen she refused she just disowned her.'

Just go back and see places that you can add a comma and a period to make it look better. :)

5. 'Alex, Jason and Alice' should be like this 'Alex, Jason{,} and Alice'

6. 'when she came back she was changed, she never talked always kept her head down and avoided all contact with everyone on' could look like this
'when she came back she {had} changed, she never talked{,} always kept her head down{,} and avoided all contact with everyone{.} {O}n'

7. 'Her mother agreed slightly shocked immediately feeling slightly guilty for her daughter’s depression.' Could look like this 'Her mother agreed{,} slightly shocked {and} immediately feeling ̶s̶l̶i̶g̶h̶t̶l̶y̶ guilty for her daughter’s depression.' On this one I'm a bit confused why the mother is shocked, is it because she spoke?

8. 'On her birthday she disappeared and never came back{.}' Don't forget about periods. :)

9. 'Alex crashed back into his bed sighed then closed his eyes' could look like this 'Alex crashed back into his bed{,} sighed{,} {and or and then could also be good} then closed his eyes{.}'

10. 'As if he’d just closed his eyes a loud crash shook him awake he' I'm confused here because it had just said the sentence before this that he h͟a͟d͟ closed his eyes, so let's fix that! Could look like this 'Right after he had closed his eyes a loud crash shook him awake{.} {H}e'

11. “George I swear to god if you do not come here…{"} I'm a bit confused by this sentence, so if you could make it more understandable that would be great!

12. 'He looked towards his door to see his little brother dash in shut the door and leap under his bed.' could look like 'He looked towards his door to see his little brother dash in{,} shut the door{,} and {crawl would be better here, if you used leap it would sound like he's leaping on the bed} under his bed.'

13. 'His mother came bounding {in} soon after{,} her hair a giant mess{,} clothes messy and roughed up{,} and eyes flaming. “Where. Is. He{?}” {S}he said stern{ly} between heavy {breathing would be better}. Alex looked hesitantly at the floor in front of his bed then back up at his mother. “I think I heard the front door open{..."} {S}he'

14. 'He’d obviously forgot he was coming over.' Who was coming over?

15. “Hey buddy “Alex said smiling “nice to see your staying out of trouble” he added with a malicious smile his brother returning the same smile “she was twying to but me in panz” he said" could look like this
“Hey buddy{."} Alex said smiling “nice to see {that} your staying out of trouble{.}” he added with a malicious smile{,}{with} his brother returning {it.} “{S}he was twying to but me in panz{.}” he said{.} I like the baby talk, haha :D

16. "Panz” huh?” ooo that evil women”. Alex replied with a malicious grin, George giggled then hopped up. “You ganna say afer we gut beck?” Could look like this “Panz{,} huh? {Ooh,} that evil woman{."} Alex replied with a malicious grin, George giggled then hopped up. “You ganna say afer we gut beck?” Although I do love the baby talk, I don't understand what he's saying on this one, could you make it easier to read somehow?

17. 'He flipped open the broken glass lens and a small old note fell out{.} {H}e' Periods, please. :)

18. 'writing{.} “{T}ea time is at 12{,} {don't be late} –NM." Alex' I don't think there is a need for underlining, but that's just me.

19. 'He carefully folded the paper {and} placed it in his drawer{.} {H}e looked back at the watch and stopped{.} {H}e walked back over to his bed and picked it up, the lens was perfectly clean and fixed{.} {H}e thought for a moment {but} then shrugged it off{.} “{N}ice joke Georgie{.}” {H}e said to himself'

20. '{everyone} into the car{,} his father still half asleep.'

21. 'As he looked back up he saw Sam{,} {M}ercy’s husband{,} stepping out of the house.'

22. 'His face lit up as he seen Alex.' should look like this 'His face lit up {when} he {saw} Alex.'

23. “Alex, my man{.}” he boasted {and} jogged over to Alex{,} grasp{ing} his hand and pull{ing} him into a hug. “How’s college going bro?{"} Sam asked{.} “it’s going alright, still got another semester to go{.}” Alex replied weakly.

24. 'they’ve had family get together{s}'

25. 'Alice, Jason, {and} him'

26. 'Alex smiled{,} he jumped up and caught the lowest branch {than} climbed up to {the} branches they use{d} to sit on first Jason’s'

27. 'He picked it because it was the most hidden {branch} and he could {throw} twigs at Jason.'

28. 'She picked hers because it showed the whole valley below the mountain{.} {H}e leaned back into the tree.

29. 'He climbed down the tree {and} jumped back to the ground{.} {A}s he was looking up a white blur shot behind the tree.' Looking up? But it said he saw something behind the tree. A bit confusing.

30. 'Alex walked around the tree{,} and stuck just above a large hole was a note. Alex stared at the note for a moment{,} then leaned over to grab it.

And that's a wrap! So I know that this is a very long review, but that was only because of punctuation. Don't forget to add commas, periods, quotation marks, and capitalization! It's very important so that it's not a run-off sentence and the reader can get into the story! But I still loved the story and I can't wait for the next one! It was a very fun read, so good job!
:D :D Can't wait for the next one!! -Laurenlovely<3




MrSanzHatter says...


OMG thank you so much for that I suck with grammar and punctuation I type so fast I mess up alot and forget to come back but this is so much help thank you so much for taking the time to review this!!!



Laurenlovely says...


No problem, I have a lot of time on my hands :D just keep working on grammar, you already got the story down! :D
Keep on writing!! :D :D :D
-Laurenlovely<3




Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning