Hello, JaymeBurrows! Welcome to YWS! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!Give me your soul.
With that aside...
STOP! Grammar time!
I'm just going to mark the ones I can with red because I'm too lazy to write explanations.
However the dwarf had walked the same path between his small cabin and a fishing spot{ }just beyond the wood for more than twelve years. He had lived in the valley for many years.
yet{ }there it was again!
half a day's
he surely would have missed the tiny{ }bundle just in front of him.
However, the dwarf had walked the same path between his small cabin and a fishing spot just beyond the wood for more than twelve years.
Suggestions:
I would make this chapter longer, to get a better feel of Marik and the situation. Also, YWSers tend to not read prologues and epilogues, so keep that in mind as you continue to write.
His hands stung with cold blistering spears of ice
I would change this to "His hands were cold blistering spears of ice" to create a metaphor.
Last thing: Marik is very cliché. He's the old and wise mentor who finds a child and takes them in. This is a very common cliché that I've seen in many books.
Confusing things:
N/A, other than what the heck is a Valnierian dwarf?
Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:
No other comments, reactions, or fangirling.
Overall:
Overall, this was good with plenty of great detail, but it was too short for my taste. However, I still reviewed it, so :3 keep up the great work
Give me your soul --
Kara
Points: 15630
Reviews: 364
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