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E - Everyone

Chapter 8.2: Gael

by Lightsong


‘It’s time to go,’ Ms. Yera, the Serra-blessed nurse, said, opening the door. She looked at Gael adoringly. ‘I hope this is going to be the last time you end up here.’

Gael smiled and nodded. ‘I hope so to.’ His body still hurt, but most of the wounds on the surface had healed. He didn’t have to be worried of infection. ‘Thanks for the care, Ms. Yera.’

‘It’s my pleasure.’ Ms. Yera shook her head. ‘Honestly. You do know how to make friends with the staff. I heard from Ms. Welewa that you sometimes helped her organized the books in the library. You even helped me treating the student patients here when you had free time. You’re a remarkable student, Gael.’

Gael maintained his smile. As he left the medical room after taking the special pass from Ms. Yera, he pondered over her words. It’s not surprising, really, he thought. My father’s a doctor, my mother’s a scholar. They always brought me to their working places. While he wasn’t from a Great House, House Xestari could be considered wealthy. His parents reminded him to treat everyone as equal as all of them were people at the end. He was glad with the way they raised him.

Maybe Baris becomes a bully because of his parents’ influence, Gael thought idly, walking toward Serra dormitory. Although he had classes today, he had just been released from recovery. The special pass would give a reason to any prefect or staff catching him around the castle of why he didn’t go to class today. As much as he wanted to resume his study, he thought more rest would serve him better.

As he reached a corner, his eyes on the floor, he bumped on someone. ‘S-sorry!’ he said and looked up. A male student with a fair skin and light blond hair raised his eyebrows on him. He wore a sleeveless tunic, which he meant he was a Fighter student. Gael hadn’t seen Haka. Did the Combat class end early?

‘It’s okay,’ the boy said, smiling. ‘Where are you going? I’m Veris, by the way.’

Gael expected - and wished for - Veris to walk away after saying ‘It’s okay’, but now that he asked Gael something, it seemed rude to ignore him. ‘Um, I’m going to my dorm. Serra House.’

Veris raised his eyebrows. ‘You have a House? I thought -’ The smile, now apologetic, returned. ‘Sorry. I’ve heard rumors.’

‘That I’m a Loner?’ Gael said dryly. ‘That I’m zero-blessed?’ Did all students now know he couldn’t use magic? Well, Natural magic, at least. He could still use blood magic after some practice. How about those people who came before the Naturals? Those old folks weren’t called Loners, were they?

‘It’s - I don’t mean it in an offensive way,’ Veris said, now walking alongside Gael. ‘I just thought it’s interesting to have no blessing. It makes you less dependent on it, doesn’t it?’

‘You can’t depend on it at all,’ Gael said, frowning. ‘Not to mention, I wasn’t like this at the first place.’ He cursed himself as soon as he spoke it. No one knew what really happened to him except for his parents and Mrs. Venaria. They told him to keep it as a secret. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like people would get mad of him once they found out what happened to him.

‘What do you mean?’

The gears in Gael’s mind worked furiously. ‘Well, my parents are blessed, so I should be one too. It seems like an error. Serra might’ve forgotten about it.’

Veris chuckled. ‘She can’t be. It’s genetic, after all.’

Gael shrugged. ‘It’s still an error, whatever that was done to me.’ He glanced at the boy. ‘Shouldn’t you be in Combat class?’

‘Mr. Haifei’s class ended early.’ Veris raised his eyebrows. ‘I’ve heard about Baris and you too. How are you?’

Why are you such a busybody? Gael thought, suppressing the urge to let out a groan. ‘Rumors travel fast, and those aren’t the good ones. I’m fine, thanks for your concern. Still a bit sore. Baris’s suspended for a while.’

‘I also heard Ilami saving you from them. Is it true?’

Now that a stranger asked him about it, he felt slightly embarrassed having a girl rescuing him. It wasn’t like he minded it - anything to avoid the torture - but people snickered when the girl was the one who saved the boy, not the other way around. Despite that, Ilami deserved the credit.

Gael nodded. ‘Yes, she saved me. Thank the gods she was passing by at that time.’

‘What do you think of her?’

Why do you want to know? Gael thought. He didn’t want to voice it out, though, worried about what he would sound like. He needed to overcome this worry of people judging him. ‘She’s fine, though a bit harsh. She understands the academy quickly; I guess being the principal’s daughter helps. She promises to teach me how fight and I promise to teach her how to make advanced Natural spells.’ Urgh, I tell to much.

Veris hummed, his eyes distant. For a while, silence lingered, and Gael wondered what was the boy thinking. He had an interest on Ilami, that was for sure, but why? Now that Gael had considered Ilami as a friend - more so when she had Aleveri to heal him - he should treat her accordingly, which meant he had to be careful if someone like Veris wanted to know more about her.

‘We’ve arrived at your dorm,’ Veris said, tilting to the door of Serra House. ‘You know a lot about Natural spells, eh? I think we have something in common.’

The last part grabbed Gael’s attention. ‘You mean, Natural magic in general? I’m also interested in blood magic, you know. I spent years learning old and modern Esteese as well as Natural language.’

Veris chuckled at Gael’s enthusiasm. ‘I’m not much of a linguist, but everything about the Naturals intrigue me. They establish themselves as deities, after all. I focus on their magic and religion, Nerecia.’

Gael nodded as Veris spoke. Finally, someone with whom he could share his passion. He did wonder about Nerecia a fair bit. He turned to the dorm’s door and mentally scratched his head. Should he invite Veris in? He did plan to rest so maybe he shouldn’t? The soreness of his body reminded him he wasn’t fully recovered yet, and with a heavy heart, he surrendered to it. It was time to say farewell to -

Let him in, the voice whispered, making itself known again.

Why? Gael thought.

He is necessary as an intermediary between Ilami and Felaris.

Gael frowned. Who’s Felaris? What does she have to do with all of this?

Veris grabbed Gael’s shoulder and turned Gael to him. ‘Gael? Are you okay?’ he said, frowning.

‘I -’

Let him in. Trust me.

Gael paused before he let out a heavy sigh. Then, he put on a smile. ‘I was just thinking. How about you come to my room? We can talk about the Naturals more there.’ He looked around. A few students passed, signifying that most classes hadn’t ended yet. Haka should still be in his. ‘I think I need company.’

‘Coincidentally, I have nothing else to do,’ Veris said.

Gael opened the door and the smell of salt and seawater greeted them. Veris blinked before he resumed his composure. They entered with Gael leading Veris. You’ll better not be evil incarnate and set me a trap, Gael thought to the voice. While he had some worries about why it wanted him to spend more time with Veris, he couldn’t help but be intrigued with the reason. It seemed like his curiosity was the only thing that overcame his worry.


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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a good end to this chapter. We started with that sweet meeting with Haka, but now we've clearly moved right past the fight and going on into the next phase with this move by Veris.

Anyway let's get right to it,

‘It’s time to go,’ Ms. Yera, the Serra-blessed nurse, said, opening the door. She looked at Gael adoringly. ‘I hope this is going to be the last time you end up here.’

Gael smiled and nodded. ‘I hope so to.’ His body still hurt, but most of the wounds on the surface had healed. He didn’t have to be worried of infection. ‘Thanks for the care, Ms. Yera.’

‘It’s my pleasure.’ Ms. Yera shook her head. ‘Honestly. You do know how to make friends with the staff. I heard from Ms. Welewa that you sometimes helped her organized the books in the library. You even helped me treating the student patients here when you had free time. You’re a remarkable student, Gael.’


Hmm...well that's an interesting line to see, I don't know if that's a good observation that this person is making there about Gael's character or not cause it sounds a little ambiguous. On the bright side though, we get a good sense of how Gael tends to interact with the teachers.

Gael maintained his smile. As he left the medical room after taking the special pass from Ms. Yera, he pondered over her words. It’s not surprising, really, he thought. My father’s a doctor, my mother’s a scholar. They always brought me to their working places. While he wasn’t from a Great House, House Xestari could be considered wealthy. His parents reminded him to treat everyone as equal as all of them were people at the end. He was glad with the way they raised him.


Hmm...this is an interesting point to put a reflection there, but it strangely does manage to make sense and as an added bonus it does tell us a little bit about the sort of background that he comes which just might be important in the times to come here.

Maybe Baris becomes a bully because of his parents’ influence, Gael thought idly, walking toward Serra dormitory. Although he had classes today, he had just been released from recovery. The special pass would give a reason to any prefect or staff catching him around the castle of why he didn’t go to class today. As much as he wanted to resume his study, he thought more rest would serve him better.

As he reached a corner, his eyes on the floor, he bumped on someone. ‘S-sorry!’ he said and looked up. A male student with a fair skin and light blond hair raised his eyebrows on him. He wore a sleeveless tunic, which he meant he was a Fighter student. Gael hadn’t seen Haka. Did the Combat class end early?


Hmm....okay, bumping into an unfamiliar face is interesting, you'd think maybe there aren't too many of those with Gael having been in the academy for some time now. I wonder if this is someone that maybe purposely bumped into this one.

‘It’s okay,’ the boy said, smiling. ‘Where are you going? I’m Veris, by the way.’

Gael expected - and wished for - Veris to walk away after saying ‘It’s okay’, but now that he asked Gael something, it seemed rude to ignore him. ‘Um, I’m going to my dorm. Serra House.’

Veris raised his eyebrows. ‘You have a House? I thought -’ The smile, now apologetic, returned. ‘Sorry. I’ve heard rumors.’


OOooh, well that's someone we know. This is almost certainly a planned meeting. It can't be a coincidence here...word must have gotten around by now that Ilami stood up for this one student...there's no chance this is a simple accident.

‘That I’m a Loner?’ Gael said dryly. ‘That I’m zero-blessed?’ Did all students now know he couldn’t use magic? Well, Natural magic, at least. He could still use blood magic after some practice. How about those people who came before the Naturals? Those old folks weren’t called Loners, were they?

‘It’s - I don’t mean it in an offensive way,’ Veris said, now walking alongside Gael. ‘I just thought it’s interesting to have no blessing. It makes you less dependent on it, doesn’t it?’


Hmm, well it does look like maybe Veris is genuinely curious about the questions he's asking there. Its hard to discern a motive for wanting to know all that and you can't jump to conclusions that its bad, but I have a bad feeling about this. It looks to be like an attempt at a conversation that can later be steered towards less friendly areas.

‘You can’t depend on it at all,’ Gael said, frowning. ‘Not to mention, I wasn’t like this at the first place.’ He cursed himself as soon as he spoke it. No one knew what really happened to him except for his parents and Mrs. Venaria. They told him to keep it as a secret. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like people would get mad of him once they found out what happened to him.

‘What do you mean?’

The gears in Gael’s mind worked furiously. ‘Well, my parents are blessed, so I should be one too. It seems like an error. Serra might’ve forgotten about it.’


Hmm...well I thought Gael was a bit more careful than that, but hmm, he must be in a particularly talkative mood to almost come to the point of blurting out what looks like a very closely guarded secret there...well ...this is intriguing.

Why are you such a busybody? Gael thought, suppressing the urge to let out a groan. ‘Rumors travel fast, and those aren’t the good ones. I’m fine, thanks for your concern. Still a bit sore. Baris’s suspended for a while.’

‘I also heard Ilami saving you from them. Is it true?’

Now that a stranger asked him about it, he felt slightly embarrassed having a girl rescuing him. It wasn’t like he minded it - anything to avoid the torture - but people snickered when the girl was the one who saved the boy, not the other way around. Despite that, Ilami deserved the credit.


Well...that's...a sad truth sometimes..okay, let's not get into that in this review. Anyway...well, so the rumors certainly travelled and I suppose we can almost confirm why thi is going down...this is certainly going to make things interesting, although of course it depends on whether Gael notices anything odd here or whether Veris ends up making a friend somehow.

Gael nodded. ‘Yes, she saved me. Thank the gods she was passing by at that time.’

‘What do you think of her?’

Why do you want to know? Gael thought. He didn’t want to voice it out, though, worried about what he would sound like. He needed to overcome this worry of people judging him. ‘She’s fine, though a bit harsh. She understands the academy quickly; I guess being the principal’s daughter helps. She promises to teach me how fight and I promise to teach her how to make advanced Natural spells.’ Urgh, I tell to much.


That's a bit more information than he asked for. Don't make it easy for him Gael, come on, you have to be better at keeping information than this if you're going to be a main character. Well uhh, this all but confirms a few things, let's hope that maybe Veris isn't simply being a spy here.

Veris hummed, his eyes distant. For a while, silence lingered, and Gael wondered what was the boy thinking. He had an interest on Ilami, that was for sure, but why? Now that Gael had considered Ilami as a friend - more so when she had Aleveri to heal him - he should treat her accordingly, which meant he had to be careful if someone like Veris wanted to know more about her.

‘We’ve arrived at your dorm,’ Veris said, tilting to the door of Serra House. ‘You know a lot about Natural spells, eh? I think we have something in common.’


Oh that was a bit of thinking followed by a very specific direction there....Veris is almost certainly trying to make a friend of Gael...for what reason I cannot tell, but I don't know if its going to be good. I don't suppose its necessarily bad either, but I feel like Felaris is going to use him as a source of information on Ilami.

The last part grabbed Gael’s attention. ‘You mean, Natural magic in general? I’m also interested in blood magic, you know. I spent years learning old and modern Esteese as well as Natural language.’

Veris chuckled at Gael’s enthusiasm. ‘I’m not much of a linguist, but everything about the Naturals intrigue me. They establish themselves as deities, after all. I focus on their magic and religion, Nerecia.’


Well at any rate, even if Veris is faking something, Gael seems to be having some genuine fun talking to him so maybe this is going to be a good thing after all. Maybe Felaris will learn that Ilami isn't responsible after all and not try to kill her.

Gael nodded as Veris spoke. Finally, someone with whom he could share his passion. He did wonder about Nerecia a fair bit. He turned to the dorm’s door and mentally scratched his head. Should he invite Veris in? He did plan to rest so maybe he shouldn’t? The soreness of his body reminded him he wasn’t fully recovered yet, and with a heavy heart, he surrendered to it. It was time to say farewell to -

Let him in, the voice whispered, making itself known again.

Why? Gael thought.


Ooooh, well, I love seeing these thoughts here and now the return of the voice...ahh, the sheer spookiness of it is one thing entirely, but now to see that it can somehow see and know things that even Gael himself doesn't...well it just kicks things up several more notches here.

He is necessary as an intermediary between Ilami and Felaris.

Gael frowned. Who’s Felaris? What does she have to do with all of this?

Veris grabbed Gael’s shoulder and turned Gael to him. ‘Gael? Are you okay?’ he said, frowning.

‘I -’

Let him in. Trust me.


Well, the voice is either good at being persuasive or Gael really trust it cause that is a big move to make to change your own decision as a result of something that just creepily pops up like that.

Gael paused before he let out a heavy sigh. Then, he put on a smile. ‘I was just thinking. How about you come to my room? We can talk about the Naturals more there.’ He looked around. A few students passed, signifying that most classes hadn’t ended yet. Haka should still be in his. ‘I think I need company.’

‘Coincidentally, I have nothing else to do,’ Veris said.

Gael opened the door and the smell of salt and seawater greeted them. Veris blinked before he resumed his composure. They entered with Gael leading Veris. You’ll better not be evil incarnate and set me a trap, Gael thought to the voice. While he had some worries about why it wanted him to spend more time with Veris, he couldn’t help but be intrigued with the reason. It seemed like his curiosity was the only thing that overcame his worry.


Hmm, well Gael doesn't really seem to know the voice...huh...this little detail keeps on getting more and more interesting as we go along. I wonder if the things it asks of Baris are going to eventually get worse. Well for now, we end on what appears to be a pretty intriguing point and teensy bit of a cliffhanger. I can't wait to see where this goes next.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, it looks like our short little break for the characters is over and its about to be business as usual for everyone with potentially more threats starting to slowly crop up around them. I am excited to see where this goes next.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Jul 13, 2018 10:28 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

I really liked the first scene with Gael and Haka. (I'm always a sucker for someone being injured and the love interest pining over that :p) I wasn't sure why it needed to be in all italics or why the "three days earlier" note needed to be there. If we're going back in time from the last chapter with Felaris, then that's confusing. If it really needs to be three days before the Felaris chapter, then I'd put it before the Felaris chapter; otherwise, I'd leave it as it and not mention the "three days earlier" at the beginning and have it be a regular scene in a regular chapter. If you want to show a passage of time to this scene, you can transition it with "three days after Haka's visit, Ms. Yera, the Serra blessed nurse, open the door and said...." or something like that.

I liked when the voice got involved when Haka was talking to Gael. I think the voice is so interesting and it adds a really interesting dynamic to their relationship! Although Haka being dangerous because he could break Gael's heart is a little less fun than him being dangerous because they're supposed to be sworn mortal enemies or something :p (because love is dangerous for everyone. Everyone risks being totally heart-broken) I would have liked the voice to be a little more present in that conversation because the voice seems to have a lot of opinions about Haka, and what better time to voice those opinions than when he's talking to Gael.

Now that Gael has met Veris I'm like it's all starting to come together! - at least, all of the characters are now inter-connected. I was a little surprised that Gael said so much to her when he doesn't know her at all. He disclosed quite a bit to her and I'm wondering why he felt comfortable doing that or why he felt the need to tell her so much. I get that he needs to for plot reasons, but it felt a little weird.

Now that everyone is connected, I'm looking forward to seeing how this all swirls around and comes together!! I'll be back soon, and until then let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the reviews! Veris is a guy. xD



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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Lightsong! It's great to see this updated after so long. I've been missing it!

Nitpicks

‘It’s time to go,’ Ms. Yera, the Serra-blessed nurse, said, opening the door.


I feel like there are too many bits to the dialogue clause, making it overly choppy and hard to read. You could cut a bit of information out or tighten it up a bit. Perhaps something like:

'It's time to go,' Nurse Yera said, opening the door.

‘Honestly. You do know how to make friends with the staff. I heard from Ms. Welewa that you sometimes helped her organized the books in the library. You even helped me treating the student patients here when you had free time. You’re a remarkable student, Gael.’


1) 'Helped' should be 'help' as I think you're talking about something habitual. 'Organized' should also be in the present tense.

2) I don't particularly like the part in blue because it feels too on the nose, too much for the reader's benefit. I don't feel like she'd outline what he'd done in so much detail when it was common knowledge to them both. If she just said something like 'you've been such a help to me while you've been here' or something else more general, it would be more natural.

He cursed himself as soon as he spoke it.


'Spoke' is a bit of a weird verb to use with 'it'. It's not wrong, technically, but I think 'said' would make for a much better substitute.

Serra might’ve forgotten about it.’

Veris chuckled. ‘She can’t be. It’s genetic, after all.’


I think 'she can't have' would fit a lot better here.

She promises to teach me how fight and I promise to teach her how to make advanced Natural spells.


This should be in past tense, I think, as in: She promised to teach me how to fight and I promised to teach her.

We’ve arrived at your dorm,’ Veris said, tilting to the door of Serra House.


A bit like earlier, this feels strangely specific and on the nose. If he said something more casual and colloquial like: 'Here we are" then it would read less strangely.

but everything about the Naturals intrigue me.


Should be 'intrigues'.

Overall Thoughts

1) Ahh, sweet, lovely Gael. He's the kind of kid you'd want as your son. I love his chapters just because he's such a nice character, but not in a way that's irritating or overly moral. He feels real to me. I'd like to see you pay a little more attention to his supposed smugness and flaws, though, just because I love me a character that's lovable while being very flawed.

2) I'm very intrigued by the voice now. I first assumed that it was just Gael's anxiety talking, seeing as it always seemed to be telling him that Haka would desert him if he told him about his feelings. But now it's talking about stuff Gael doesn't know himself? Interesting. Is it telling the truth or not? I feel like, given what it's been saying about Haka, it could be a sinister force intending to mislead him. Only time will tell.

I definitely agree with BlueAfrica that you should have Gael question the voice a bit more, because if I was him I'd think I was going nuts. Or that I was being haunted. It seems strange that he'd just listen to what it said - I'd expect him to be warier.

3) Be careful with the dialogue in this chapter, because while it's never bad at any point, it does skirt into overly-informative territory in places. It feels like Gael tells too much about himself without enough prompting; nervous rambling isn't a behaviour we've seen from him before so it feels a bit out of nowhere. I can, however, believe that Gael would be afraid of being rude to Veris, so I think you should work from that. Have Veris ask him more specific questions about himself, and have Gael answer them awkwardly so as not to offend him. That would work better than Gael just launching into personal information unprompted. Or have stuff slipping out a bit more accidentally. Take this bit, for example:

‘I just thought it’s interesting to have no blessing. It makes you less dependent on it, doesn’t it?’

‘You can’t depend on it at all,’ Gael said, frowning. ‘Not to mention, I wasn’t like this at the first place.’


If you wanted to rewrite this to be more subtly informative, you could have something like this:

"It's just interesting that you don't have a blessing. Means you can't depend on it, I suppose?"

"No, I suppose- not anymore, no," Gael said.

Veris shot him a curious glance. "Not anymore?"

Gael's heart skipped. "Well, I used to have- it doesn't matter."


This is just an example, as always, but you can see how the information is revealed more accidentally, and how Veris catches onto it and tries to coax it out of him. Obviously, I don't know if Veris struck up the conversation solely to get information, but that's how it comes across to me at the moment, so I ran with it in the example.

I'll call the review here because BlueAfrica and Mea have covered a lot of the overarching issues in this piece. Overall, a really enjoyable instalment, though it doesn't feel that well connected to the first half of the chapter. I think that's something you might end up having to look at when it comes to redrafting - a lot of your chapter halves feel like they're separate from each other rather than two parts of a whole. But that's hardly a major worry. I'm really into this story and can't wait for the next bit.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! Yeah, I've noticed parts of a chapter doesn't connect to each other more coherently - definitely going to consider that for future parts/drafts. Your example in green sounds British, btw. I really want to make the novel having a British English. xD



Panikos says...


Haha, does it? I didn't realise!



Lightsong says...


I think Americans don't use suppose that often. Not to mention how you repeat no. It can be just me though! :D



Panikos says...


It might be! I often don't notice the differences between American and British English because they can be very subtle



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BluesClues wrote a review...



*waves*

Here I am!

First, to address your specific concerns.

Dialogue.
The dialogue was all right, but I felt like it was too, um, like it told me too much. The way it was structured line by line read fairly naturally, but it felt off because Gael and this guy he just met are exchanging a lot of information. Like Veris is basically a stranger at this point but asks a lot of personal questions one after the other after the other, which makes him come across a little nosy and rude, especially since Gael actually answers them and never really hesitates or calls him out on it.

Plus: boy, do rumors abound at this school!

Also, can we establish that Veris knows Gael's name? Because they're never introduced here, not really, but he immediately is like, "Oh yeah, I heard this, this, and this about you" upon seeing Gael. I figured he probably recognizes Gael, but even so - if I were Gael, I'd probably be either like, "Um, how do you even know who I am?" or else like, "Great, there are so many rumors now that everyone knows who I am, just fantastic."

Flow.
On that note, the whole chapter moved relatively smoothly but kind of fast, which I think is because the dialogue moved right from one topic into another and covered a lot. I thought the dialogue moved very fluidly and naturally from Gael's meeting with Veris until Veris asked about the bully. That's where he started feeling nosy and pushy.

Description in the sense of setting.
If you wanted to slow this down some or at least break the dialogue up a little more (and/or cut some of it), you could definitely do with more description. I know they're on sort of a university campus, basically, but beyond a vague idea I don't have much of an image of it. Don't just think about what it actually looks like: think about how Gael and Veris interact with it as they walk through it together.

(And ignore the fact that I'm giving you this advice as a person who routinely forgets to do it.)

Think of: what they see, hear, and smell as they go - grass? students practicing magic or playing some sort of game on the grounds? or perhaps enjoying a good chat or a joke or a picnic? does another student cross their path, pass them in the opposite direction, wave or say hello to either of them as they go by?

Body language.
I think this was fine. I didn't particularly notice it as I read - it didn't distract me - but it didn't feel lacking, and skimming back through I see plenty of examples of it. I think you struck a good balance here. The only suggestion I have to make on this front is, kind of picture your characters doing this or think about whether or not you would do this in this situation. Like, shaking your head or nodding? It's my first instinct to write my characters doing that, but...when I actually think about myself doing it, how often do I really do it? Not much. Either for emphasis (specifically when talking to kids, and even then not often) or if I want to answer someone's question before they're done talking but I don't want to interrupt them by actually saying something. But I find my characters nodding and shaking their heads every time they say yes or no, which is actually kind of silly if you picture it.

Other thoughts:

I'm curious to see what kind of relationship Gael and Veris will have. I know I said Veris comes across as kind of nosy in this chapter, but he does actually seem quite nice and I'm wondering if they'll be friends or even have a romance. Although I'm also curious as to why Veris asked about Ilmari, so maybe that could point to either a romantic interest in her or his actually being a bad guy who wants to find her weakness or something.

Of course I also wonder about the voice, too, which seems like a good recurring mystery through the story so far - although I'm a little surprised Gael doesn't question it more. Like, the voice is telling him to let Veris in and he could be more like, "I don't even know if I can trust this weird voice," but at the same time he really wants to let Veris in and therefore decides to do as the voice says for now.

Image




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! :D I'll take note of your points. Am glad with what you thought about this! :P



BluesClues says...


You're welcome!



Lightsong says...


Oh, something to explain: everyone knows about Gael. He's the only person admitted to the academy who doesn't have the inherent Natural magic. He's a reputation of being a Loner, someone who isn't blessed by the Naturals.



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Sat Oct 14, 2017 6:59 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey Light! Here for a review as always. :D

Wow, we get a lot of new information hinted at in this chapter.

The biggest thing is, of course, that Gael used to have a blessing. What the heck? What happened? I'm so curious now. I had no idea he had once had a blessing. And why does he need to keep it secret? So many questions. :D

And oooh, making friends with Veris. On the one hand, Felaris doesn't seem to hate Gael anymore, but I still can't help but wonder if Veris has an ulterior motive here. It doesn't help that I don't have a strong impression of Veris's character from the last times we've seen him, so I honestly can't tell if he's acting genuine here or not because I don't remember what he's like when he's around Felaris. Honestly, he wasn't really a character who grabbed me, though I'm more interested in him now.

I think my main critique would be is that I had a hard time getting into the conversation between Veris and Gael. It took me a while to realize that what they were saying was both really important and really interesting - too much of appears to be small talk at first glance, though of course it isn't. Try to highlight the tension Gael is feeling more, as well as hint at any emotions Veris is feeling (by mentioning his expressions or body language).

And that voice! I'd forgotten about the voice and now I'm trying to remember where we last heard it. I have literally no idea who or what this could be, but I hope that now we're seeing more of it we'll soon find out what it is. Otherwise I might have to start thinking Gael's going crazy. xD

Let's do some grammar! We haven't done that in a while.

‘I hope so to.’

Should be "too." Rule of thumb: if you can replace "to" with "also," it should be "too."

He didn’t have to be worried of infection

A better way to word this is "didn't have to worry about infection."

The special pass would give a reason to any prefect or staff catching him around the castle of why he didn’t go to class today.

The way you ordered the sentence is awkward/incorrect ("of why" isn't correct grammar). Try "If a prefect or staff caught him around the castle, the special pass would explain why he wasn't in class."

raised his eyebrows on him

Should be "at him." On him makes it sound like the eyebrows are touching Gael, which doesn't make any sense.

As you can see, it's usually your prepositions that aren't correct, so that's something you could read about if you want to get a better understanding of which preposition to use when.

And I'll leave it at that! Can't wait for the next part.




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review!

Hehehe, yeah, Gael should've had a blessing. The reason why he doesn't will be connected to something else. :3

The voice was actually a last-minute idea, tbh, and it connected to the bigger plot. :3

Felaris doesn't know Gael. :D

I'll take note about the dialogue and grammar! These points have been helpful but are yet implemented. xD




Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson