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18+ Language

For you have never done anything

by DemonGoddess


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

For you have never done anything for me

Unless you count saving my life. I

Can't believe that you said that to me.

"Kara Stevens should go kill herself."

--

You have no idea what you did to my self-esteem

Or my confidence, or my mental state.

Unfortunately, it's not raised. It is downgraded.

--

But I hope that

I can stand up to your

Tyranny. For I am stronger, for I can

Change. For I can ignore you, tell you to go to

Hell.

--

A/N: I put a little secret thing in the poem :3 thanks to @Flumadiddle for giving me the idea. Yes, I asked permission to steal it.


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Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:40 am
BlueAfrica wrote a review...



~literally did not realize the acrostic was there until I read alliyah's review~
~wondered why this was rated 18+ for language~
~now I know~

Okay I have literally come here three times to review this poem and then never felt like reviewing, so here I *finally* am. Only it's a bit hard to review because of the "no flow" thing due to not wanting to mess up the acrostic. Which is a cool bit to include, but it does make it feel like the whole poem was written around it, which results in flow issues. If you could find a way to revise such that there's better flow but also you keep the acrostic, that would be ideal, but I realize it's not always possible. It does make for some awkward wording, though.

For example:

Can't believe that you said that to me.

"Kara Stevens should go kill herself."


This is a little awkward because the narrator says, "Can't believe you would say that to me," but then the way it's worded ("Kara Stevens should...") makes it sound like the person addressed in the poem is speaking about the narrator to others, rather than speaking to the narrator.

Although that's a really easy fix, because you can just change "to" in that line to "about."

I do think this needs some clarification.

For you have never done anything for me

Unless you count saving my life.


I gather the "saving my life" was by saying mean things that made the narrator determined to be stronger and live almost in defiance of the addressee, but I only gather that because of life experience, not because the poem really hints at it. In fact, this stanza really fogs it up, because it points to the opposite happening - the narrator's self-esteem lowering rather than the narrator showing defiance by being more confident than ever and ignoring the haters.

You have no idea what you did to my self-esteem

Or my confidence, or my mental state.

Unfortunately, it's not raised. It is downgraded.


Again, I think it's hard to fix these things if you're so attached to the acrostic that you won't revise it to work on clarifying the message and flow. But that's what I have to say about it, anyway.




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Wed Oct 18, 2017 5:11 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Kara! Here to review you poem for the Poetry Exchange. :) So here we go!

So a few positives to start out with. I'm impressed by the amount of narrative you've gotten into just three quick stanzas. I feel like I understand the story and can have some emotional connection to the piece because the emotions are very clearly articulated with a pretty spelled out conflict and response.

Meaning
I'll take a few paragraphs to say what I think the poem meant. I believe that this piece is telling the story of a speaker who has been cruelly bullied by this other aggressor, who even went so far as to tell the speaker to kill themselves. The second stanza relates the emotional impact this harassment caused, where the speaker was devastated from the aggressor's statement. However, in the last stanza we see the speaker has started to come to terms with the situation and "hopes" they can stand up. They see that their strength comes in their ability to change.

Now some issues I had with the meaning of the poem are there seems to be some narrative contradictions or inconsistencies that I think could be cleared up a bit.

1) In the first stanza the speaker makes the bold claim that the aggressors overall affect was not to cause the speaker weakness but rather that they saved the speaker's life. This a pretty significant turn that is never fully explained.

In the last stanza we get hints at how the speaker's life changed more positively as they could stand up for themselves however it doesn't look like they've actually executed this bravery with the statement "I hope that I can". -- The phrase "I hope" makes it seem like the speaker hasn't actually changed, which ends up diminishing the speaker's development shown.

2) In the last stanza I feel like this statement is inconsistent: "i can ignore you, tell you to go to Hell" --- These seem like two different reactions rather than one consistent one. I guess I can see how maybe the speaker is ignoring the first statement by telling them to "go to Hell", but at the same time that's not really ignoring them? I guess I would suggest cleaning that up a bit.

Also a small issue I had I guess a different point as far as the meaning goes, it seems like kind of a strange message to say,
Someone told speaker to kill themselves (stanza 1)
Saying you should kill yourself is wrong (implicit meaning of stanza 2)
So speaker decides to tell aggressor to go to Hell -> Which is another way of saying they want them to die (meaning of stanza 3)

For me that is an issue in continuity, but not everyone might see it that way.

Emotional Impact
I think the strongest part of this poem was it's emotional impact. The anger blended with kind of feelings of shock and sadness are really apparent in the tone and language. I have two suggestions to strengthen the emotional impact (which like I said is already really good).

1) In the first stanza I think the statement "Kara Stevens should go kill herself" would be more dramatic if it was said directly to the speaker by saying "Kara Stevens, go kill yourself".

2) You do a good job showing emotional pain and development from stanza 2 to stanza 3 but I wonder if you could add any metaphors to stanza 2 to create a bigger impact.

For me, this line is just a bit awkward: "Unfortunately, it's not raised. It is downgraded." It feels like your talking about a really heavy situation, and then all of a sudden there's like a pun in the middle of the statement. This might be a place to double-check for revision.

Flow
I wont spend too much time on this because I see you've said you don't want to address the flow in a comment to another reviewer. But the flow is a little shaky in this piece because there are so many split up sentences. Especially in that last stanza. I would suggest maybe putting the "hidden message" in bold letters so that people can more easily pick it up without needing to read the author's note - this would also explain the lack of flow a bit if readers noticed the acrostic in there.

Also I think that you can preserve the message while changing a few things around and getting creative with your sentence structure. The beauty of acrostics is when people can read and appreciate them without knowing they're acrostics, but if the flow has to be completely sacrificed in order to get the message in then I think it's not quite there.

Here's two concrete suggestions of how to improve the flow.

1) In line 2 you could easily take out the word "I". The next line doesn't need it.

Unless you count saving my life. I
Can't believe that you said that to me.


2) In the second to last line,
Change. For I can ignore you, tell you to go to
Hell.

Shortening that longer line, would really even things out, and I don't think would be that difficult.

Overall
So overall, I like that you were really direct with this poem and gave readers a clear idea of what was happening. I think adding a few more poetic devices especially when describing the emotions would give the poem a more lasting impact and heighten its re-readability. The hidden message aspect was clever, although I think a few changes in flow would also help make it pop.

Also, I feel like it needs to be said I am very sorry if this poem was inspired by true events, because saying things like that is out of control and so very hateful. Glad you are able to use poetry as a platform of expression. Anger although sometimes an ugly emotion can certainly create beautiful and impactful poetry.

Please let me know if you have any questions about my review.

~alliyah




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Thu Oct 12, 2017 3:31 pm
Flumadiddle wrote a review...



Hello, and E.E here for a possibly quick review filled with some utter nonsense! :)

Okay, first thing I noticed is the side of the poem. You spelled out F*** You B****! That I find rather funny, a lovely hidden message. The flow wasn't the best, so that needs some work. It just seemed rushed, like you didn't take as much time edit as normal. If I am not mistaken, you are talking about a person who was once a friend and they went and stabbed you in the back, making you struggle to breath and trust again? But you are also realizing that that person, if they get you into a bad situation, they don't deserve your attention. They don't deserve to know that you hurt them. Badly. I know what its like to have a friend do that to you. The one who did that to me did it three different times. If this is recent, you got this. Ignore them. Do not give them the satisfaction. Don't fuel the fire. Anyways, I really liked the poem and keep up the great work!




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Thu Oct 12, 2017 2:24 pm
DarkPandemonium wrote a review...



Hi, DemonGoddess. Pan popping in for a quick review.

I'm going to take this stanza by stanza and then close up with some overall thoughts. Let's get to it.

For you have never done anything for me

Unless you count saving my life
. I

Can't believe that you said that to me.

"Kara Stevens should go kill herself."


My favourite part of the poem is probably those first two lines; they roped me in straight away. I especially like how contradictory they are to the rest of the stanza, as you wouldn't think telling someone to kill themselves would save their life. The juxtaposition is odd but it really works.

If I could suggest anything to change in those first two lines, I might get rid of 'for me', because it doesn't actually feel that necessary in regards getting the meaning across, and I think the line reads more smoothly without it. Your call, of course.

I'm not sure how to feel about having a line break straight after 'I'. It throws the rhythm off for me, and not in a way that feels like it suits the poem. Unless it's something to do with the secret thing? I haven't spotted what that is yet.

You have no idea what you did to my self-esteem

Or my confidence, or my mental state.

Unfortunately, it's not raised. It is downgraded.


This is the weakest stanza of the three in my opinion. It's too on the nose. Granted, I prefer blunt poems to ones that are so shrouded in metaphors that you can't make sense of them, but I think this stanza could stand to be a bit more ambiguous and open to interpretation. More showing than telling, if you like. If you can find imagery that communicates dented self-esteem rather than just informing us of it, it would draw me in a bit more.

It's a smaller point, but I also think 'mental state' doesn't work with the following line. You can't say 'my mental state was raised' in the way you can say 'my confidence and self-esteem were raised', so you could do with something more appropriate to replace 'mental state'.

But I hope that

I can stand up to your

Tyranny. For I am stronger, for I can

Change. For I can ignore you, tell you to go to

Hell.


I like the how this stanza builds. Brief as it is, it sort of feels like a crescendo to read, like you can feel the anger cresting up on a wave and crashing down at the end. Nevertheless, there's a similar problem with the line breaks here as there was in the first stanza, which upsets the rhythm and throws it off-kilter. I don't think it works to remove 'tyranny', 'change', and 'Hell' so completely from the sentences they're part of - it kind of takes them out of context and makes them lose their punch.

Toy around with the line breaks and test out different ways of altering the rhythm. I'm not much of a poetry writer, at least not when it comes to free verse, so I don't have any specific suggestions as to what you could aim for. The only decent bits of poetry I've written came from experimenting until I wanted to pull my hair out, so that's all I can advocate. Perhaps with less hair-tearing.

Overall Thoughts

As a whole poem, I like the general simplicity of it and feel like it does travel from one idea to another quite nicely. However, don't feel like all of the threads carry through. It isn't really clear to me how 'unless you count saving my life' line, good as it is, ties into the rest of the poem. Stanzas two and three suggest that you're fighting to overcome the horrible words of whoever this poem is addressed to, but the first stanza almost seems to put a positive light on those horrible words by implying that they saved your life. It may be I'm being dumb here (it's been known to happen), but the actual message feels a bit fragmented to me. It needs gelling together more. Like biscuit crumbs with butter.

I'll call the review there. I'm not much of a poetry critic, so I hope this isn't too meandering and is actually somewhat helpful. What was the secret thing, by the way? I can't figure it out!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




DemonGoddess says...


Nah, it's okay. However, I can't change the flow issues. I'll help you.

For you have never done anything for me

Unless you count saving my life. I

Can't believe that you said that to me.

"Kara Stevens should go kill herself."

--

You have no idea what you did to my self-esteem

Or my confidence, or my mental state.

Unfortunately, it's not raised. It is downgraded.

--

But I hope that

I can stand up to your

Tyranny. For I am stronger, for I can

Change. For I can ignore you, tell you to go to

Hell.


There you go :3

Hidden little message.





Haha, it all makes sense now! I was wondering what the language warning was for!



DemonGoddess says...


XD yeah




Democracy! Bah! When I hear that word I reach for my feather Boa!
— Allen Ginsburg