z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

ORWEO (Working Title) 1.3

by Atticus


A/N: Skylar, Darien, Kiersten, and Issac have successfully infiltrated the building and retrieved the files they came to steal. Now that they have the necessary files, they are attempting to make it out of the building alive and report back to headquarters. 

Chapter 1.3

"Wings 1, 2, 3, and 4 reporting back to HQ," Skylar reported into her com device. "Mission has been accomplished. Files have been gathered, prepared to report back to HQ. Waiting for further instruction."

The reply was instant. "The hallway is clear. Make your move now, but be careful. It is extremely likely that the security of this building has been alerted to your presence."

"Copy that." Skylar placed her hand on the doorknob but paused, glancing back at her 3 colleagues. "Are you guys ready?"

All of them nodded, and Skylar practically threw the door open, storming into the hallway with her hand on her gun. She brushed a bead of sweat off her forehead as she moved down the hallway, drawing her gun and brandishing it in front of her. This was easily the most nerve-wracking part of their missions; this point in time when every security personnel was on high alert and had her description, the time when it might come down to who could pull the trigger faster. These were the times when she was painfully aware of how she was putting her life on the line, aware of the possibility that she might not make it out of this building alive, aware of how many people wanted her dead and how heavily outnumbered they were.

She shook the thoughts off. The more she worried about herself, the less she was focused on the mission at hand, and she needed to exert all of her energy on making sure these files made it to their headquarters, a cause she was mroe than willing to die for. The four of them reached another hallway perpendicular to their current one, and Issac stepped forward.

"Are you ready?" he mouthed to her, and she nodded quickly. Her hands were beginning to sweat, but she gripped her gun tightly.

"Let's do this," she whispered back, and then Issac jumped out into the hallway. Skylar heard a bullet and moved to tackle Issac out of the way, but it was too late. Issac let out a grunt of pain and collapsed to the ground, his hands moving to cover his side.

"Wing 3 has been shot," Skylar whispered into her com device. "Requesting a visual of the hallway." Her legs were trembling; she was painfully aware that every second she waited was a second that Issac was in grave peril.

"There are three guards, all of them very inexperienced."

Skylar didn't question how it was possible to know this, but she motioned for the other two to approach her. "We have the element of surprise here. They're out in the open, and we have cover. On my count, one of you cover me, and I'll drag Issac back here. We don't have a lot of time."

"I'll cover you," Kiersten volunteered, glancing at Issac lying on the floor. He was still moaning and clutching his side, and Skylar could see Kiersten's concern in her eyes.

"On three, we go. One, two, three!"

Kiersten turned the corner and began to fire rounds at them, one striking a guard in the chest and the rest finding no hold. Skylar darted out into the hallway, keeping low to the ground, and grabbed Issac's feet. She dragged him back behind the cover of the wall. Darien immediately ripped off part of his cargo pants to wrap the wound, and Skylar let him do what he had been trained to do: repair wounds and minimize the damage until the professional surgeons back at HQ could work their magic.

"You're gonna be okay, Issac," Skylar whispered, fighting back tears. The gravity of the situation was just beginning to hit her.

Issac responded with a moan, letting Darien shift his hands away. Skylar winced when the wound was uncovered; the area around the wound was bright red, and blood was still flowing out of the small hole. Darien pressed his makeshift bandages to the wound to stop the bleeding.

Skylar grabbed Issac's hand and squeezed it tightly. "We're going to take care of you, Issac. Don't you worry."

Issac forced a smile and glanced up at Skylar. His green eyes shimmered with tears. "If... if I don't make it out,"

"No," Skylar interrupted. "Don't talk like that, Issac. You're going to be fine. Darien's gonna patch you up, and we're going to make sure that you make it out of here alive. And then —and then we're gonna get you back to HQ and have them stitch you. Everything will be okay, alright? I promise."

"But...but just in case," Issac whispered.

Skylar wiped a tear from her eye before Issac could see it, but let him continue.

"I want you... I want you to take my salary and give it to my family. Make up... make up something for them... help them host my funeral. Make sure... make sure they're taken care of." Issac's eyes fluttered shut, but Skylar gripped his shoulders and shook him gently.

"Stay with me, Issac. I need you to keep fighting. I know you can. You're one of the strongest people I know, and we're going to make it through this together. And before you know it, we'll be laughing about this over one of those team dinners. You know those dinners? I'll make sure they serve spaghetti just for you, Issac. Spaghetti and ice cream sundaes with loads and loads of meatballs."

"That'd be nice," Issac whispered. "Don't... don't worry about me, Skylar. I knew what I was getting myself into."

Darien had finished wrapping the wound and grabbed Issac's hand. "Come on, we have a mission to complete. Skylar, help get him on my back."

"No, I'll just slow you down," Issac protested.

"Absolutely not," Skylar and Darien said in unison.

"We're not leaving you behind, ever." Skylar insisted, letting go of his hand and helping Darien lift Issac onto his back. Issac gripped Darien's neck as tightly as he could, and Skylar couldn't help but giggle. "Look, Issac, it's a piggy-back ride."

Issac smiled, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. Skylar drew her gun and glanced up at Kiersten, who was frantically reloading.

"I got two of them, but there's one left, and he's a damn good shot, Skylar. I don't know how we're going to take him down."

"We get him to come to us," Skylar murmured. "I have an idea. Follow my lead."

"I'm out of ammo, Kiersten! Do you have any extra?" Skylar hissed in a stage-whisper that carried through the hallway. She shook her head at Kiersten, and Kiersten seemed to catch her drift.

"I'm out, too. We'll just have to hold him off for as long as we can."

"But we don't have any ammo! There's no way we can take him! We're basically sitting ducks," Skylar protested, and then there were footsteps approaching them carefully. "Should we surrender?" she added.

The footsteps were getting closer and closer, and Skylar and Kiersten both drew their guns silently. Skylar quietly counted off the footsteps until the guard was just around the corner, then she jumped out, squeezing the trigger and aiming at the same time.

The bullet struck the over-confident guard right in the chest, and he screamed and dropped his weapon. Skylar grabbed his weapons from him, as protocol dictated, and shoved them into her belt. "Let's go!" she shouted to the rest of her crew, and they immediately followed the hallways back to the stairwell.

They stormed down the stairwell like a horde of elephants, their heavy footsteps echoing throughout the chamber. Throwing caution to the wind, they ran as fast as they could, all of their training preparing them for this mad dash to the finish line. Despite their exhaustion, they made it to the ground like this was just their warm-up. Skylar and Kiersten flanked both sides of the door, and on Kiersten's signal, they threw the door open and stormed through the hallway.

The only people in this hallway were employees in business clothes, all of them cowering away from the four of them. Skylar fired a round upwards to scare them, and all of them hid away in their cubicle. One or two of them attempted to stop them with their bare hands, but both of them were easily able to deflect the blows.

"What turn do we make next?" Skylar asked, directing her question to HQ. She was short of breath and had to stop and brace herself against the wall. Kiersten did the same, and they both noticed that Darien was lagging behind.

"Where's Darien?" Skylar demanded, and Kiersten shrugged, grabbing her chest.

"He was... right behind us... last time I checked," she said in between gasps.

"How long ago was that?"

Kiersten shrugged again, and Skylar sighed and turned around, charging back towards the mob of employees. As she ran, a thought occurred to her. Deflecting the blows of that mob had been easy enough when she was by herself, but would Darien be able to hold them off with Issac on his back?


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Thu Apr 11, 2019 4:48 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hey, Tuck! Dropping in to review again. Sorry for being so incredibly slow with these!

Small Comments

"Are you ready?" he mouthed to her, and she nodded quickly. Her hands were beginning to sweat, but she gripped her gun tightly.

"Let's do this," she whispered back, and then Issac jumped out into the hallway. Skylar heard a bullet and moved to tackle Issac out of the way, but it was too late. Issac let out a grunt of pain and collapsed to the ground, his hands moving to cover his side.


This was a bit sudden. I feel like you could've ratcheted up the tension a little bit more. It's almost comical, because I'm picturing a really pumped guy being like YEAH LET'S DO THIS and then instantly getting shot.

"There are three guards, all of them very inexperienced."

Skylar didn't question how it was possible to know this


I'm glad you drew attention to this, because my first reaction was to think 'but how would they know that?' as well.

Issac forced a smile and glanced up at Skylar. His green eyes shimmered with tears. "If... if I don't make it out,"

"No," Skylar interrupted. "Don't talk like that, Issac. You're going to be fine.


This dialogue exchange is kinda cliché. Try and switch it up a bit. Isaac's staring death in the face, so rather than opting for a generic, take-care-of-my-family response, maybe try and find something more specific, something that really reveals character. The same goes for Skylar's reaction, actually, because hers is fairly typical too. I feel like you're writing these action scenarios to a procedural script rather than thinking about the characters' distinct personalities and how they would react.

Spaghetti and ice cream sundaes with loads and loads of meatballs."


This makes it sound like he's eating ice cream with meatballs in it, haha.

"We get him to come to us," Skylar murmured. "I have an idea. Follow my lead."

"I'm out of ammo, Kiersten! Do you have any extra?" Skylar hissed in a stage-whisper


There's no need for a line break here given that Skylar is still talking. It makes me expect a new speaker, so it's a bit jarring to read.

Overall Thoughts

I think this chapter has more tension and drama than the previous two, because the stakes are high - they're outnumbered and trying to escape, and their general goal is clear. That said, I think this doesn't have as much suspense as it should, and that stems from things I've already mentioned. One, we don't really know why the files they've stolen are important. Two, we don't know the characters. I'm watching the drama unfold, but I don't have any emotional involvement in it yet.

Personally, I think Isaac's near-death experience came across as a bit sudden and...melodramatic? Maybe that's the wrong word. But because I don't have an emotional attachment to his character, it didn't really mean a lot to me to see him talk about his family and providing for them and stuff. I don't know his situation yet, so it felt like you were trying to garner sympathy for him rather than trusting the reader to care about him. As I mentioned in the small comments, the way that scene plays out feels quite cliché, as well, and I think you could've exploited it more. Give me some unique and unexpected reactions. Maybe Isaac gets shot and starts rambling about something seemingly unimportant, like how if he dies someone has to feed the feral cats that hang around near his house, because there's nobody else to do it. Maybe he laughs, even though nothing's funny. Remember that shock makes people react in bizarre ways.

The other element of this chapter I was less sure about is how they trick the guard into thinking they're out of ammo. That plan just seemed so transparent, I don't really get how he fell for it? If he's a good shot and presumably trained in combat, he'd know better than to walk over to the enemy when he's outnumbered. It felt like a case of the enemy being stupid rather than the protagonists being smart, so I would've liked to see them come up with a more convincing plan.

I must admit, I'm suspicious about Darien lagging behind, actually. Is he genuinely just weighed down and overwhelmed, or was it deliberate on his part? I'm not ruling out the possibility that he's a double agent. Maybe he intends to get 'captured' with Isaac so they can get information out of them both...I'm probably way off the mark, but the first rule of any novel is that you can't - trust - anyone.

That's all for this review! Hope it helped!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Wed Feb 20, 2019 1:16 am
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Honora wrote a review...



Hey Tuck!
I’m really glad to see how your writing has improved. The depth of Skylar’s character is way better and it’s nice to see it. Even though we don’t know Issac that well, I liked how you made him get injured. It made me feel sorry for him, especially since he was the younger, newer guy on the team.
Something that I didn’t really like was how naive you made the last guard. Considering he is a security guard for a classified government building, he would have better training then that.
A few grammar mistakes but I’m not all that good at those so it isn’t too much of a biggie.
As neptune said, I love the cliffhangers! It makes me want to read more. Keep up the good work!! :)




Atticus says...


Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you liked this chapter & saw an improvement in the writing. Would you like me to tag you when I post new chapters of this? (Totally fine if not!)



Honora says...


I would actually love it if you did that for me! Can%u2019t wait :)



Honora says...


I would actually love it if you did that for me! Can%u2019t wait :)



Honora says...


I would actually love it if you did that for me! Can%u2019t wait :)



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Tue Feb 19, 2019 6:20 am
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neptune wrote a review...



Hello Tuck~

Apologies for taking a little longer, I hope my feedback makes up for the wait! <3

In the first paragraph, Skylar repeats twice that they are “reporting back to HQ” - first all the Wings are “reporting” and then they are prepared to “report the files back to HQ”. I think if you’re using “report” in two different ways to mean two different things, you could use a different word for one of the sentences?

She shook the thoughts off.

Perhaps this is just me, but shaking thoughts “off” is a little strange of a description? I just felt like this sentence was cut off at the end, because it’s a little unclear as to where they were shaken off too. It may also be because I more commonly hear the phrase “...away” or “...out from/of her mind” rather than “off”.
These were the times when she was painfully aware of how she was putting her life on the line, aware of the possibility that she might not make it out of this building alive, aware of how many people wanted her dead and how heavily outnumbered they were.

I really like this sentence — the way it makes Skylar and her colleagues all the more real. Kinda adds something else to all of the action around these chapters!
a cause she was mroe than willing to die for.

Not sure if grammar/spelling is something you are looking for feedback on, but just a quick little spelling error of “mroe” instead of “more”.

I like the depth of Skylar’s character already; at first, she is thinking about how she might not leave the building, and then she is correcting herself and telling herself that she would die for this mission. Definitely some subtle inner conflict here, and I’m very excited to see it possibly develop later on.
"If... if I don't make it out,"

"No," Skylar interrupted.

Because Skylar is interrupting Issac here, a dash might be more appropriate than a comma for the ending of Issac’s dialogue.
One or two of them attempted to stop them with their bare hands, but both of them were easily able to deflect the blows.

I’m a little confused with this? I think I got confused by “both of them” because I’m assuming you’re referring to the employees, but I don’t quite understand what you were trying to say with the sentence? Maybe it’s the fact that there were so many “they”s in the sentence that I got confused about who was doing what, but either way, I don’t fully understand it.

WOW so here we have another eventful chapter, except now Darien and Issac are missing! I'm really liking how these cliffhangers make me want to know more and more, but ugh I also hate them haha XD

I'm really intrigued about all of their protocols and the "rules" (or whatever they're called) of the HQ/organization. They seem pretty defined - like the whole rule of taking the enemy's weapons once they're down. But, I'm also curious about this Issac situation, because Skylar said that she would "die to get the files back", yet they seem very serious about getting Issac to safety (which is a good thing, of course!). I just wonder if maybe these protocols of the HQ have a say/rule about being injured, and what the terms are for that (i.e. leaving them behind, taking them back)? I don't know...just a thought!

I hope this was helpful - a lot of this was just confusing rambling from me, so if you have questions, don't hesitate to ask! Can't wait for the next chapter.




Atticus says...


Thanks so much for the review neptune! As always, your review was super helpful, and I'll be sure to incorporate your suggestions into the next draft. One quick question, however, if you don't mind%u2014did Issac's almost-death-scene/serious injury have a strong emotional impact on you as a reader, or did it feel forced and too sudden? I went back and forth on whether that would be a good thing to include, so I'd love to hear what you thought about it! Thanks again for your time and feedback!



neptune says...


Of course! Hmm...I think Issac%u2019s injury didn%u2019t have a huge emotional impact on me (considerig the fact that I don%u2019t have a big connection to him) but it was a good event plot-wise because now we will see more relationship development between Issac and the other characters. Although it felt quite sudden, I believe that if you use it to further develop the characters, their relationships, and the plot, it might work out in your favor. So I think it was fine, especially with the subtle build up from Skylar%u2019s thoughts of it being a dangerous mission. I hope that helps somewhat!



Atticus says...


That does help! Thanks so much!




You got rid of them. Yes, that's just like you. Getting rid of everything unpleasant instead of learning to put up with it.
— Aldous Huxley, Brave New World