Hey, Tuck! Dropping in to review again. Sorry for being so incredibly slow with these!
Small Comments
"Are you ready?" he mouthed to her, and she nodded quickly. Her hands were beginning to sweat, but she gripped her gun tightly.
"Let's do this," she whispered back, and then Issac jumped out into the hallway. Skylar heard a bullet and moved to tackle Issac out of the way, but it was too late. Issac let out a grunt of pain and collapsed to the ground, his hands moving to cover his side.
This was a bit sudden. I feel like you could've ratcheted up the tension a little bit more. It's almost comical, because I'm picturing a really pumped guy being like YEAH LET'S DO THIS and then instantly getting shot.
"There are three guards, all of them very inexperienced."
Skylar didn't question how it was possible to know this
I'm glad you drew attention to this, because my first reaction was to think 'but how would they know that?' as well.
Issac forced a smile and glanced up at Skylar. His green eyes shimmered with tears. "If... if I don't make it out,"
"No," Skylar interrupted. "Don't talk like that, Issac. You're going to be fine.
This dialogue exchange is kinda cliché. Try and switch it up a bit. Isaac's staring death in the face, so rather than opting for a generic, take-care-of-my-family response, maybe try and find something more specific, something that really reveals character. The same goes for Skylar's reaction, actually, because hers is fairly typical too. I feel like you're writing these action scenarios to a procedural script rather than thinking about the characters' distinct personalities and how they would react.
Spaghetti and ice cream sundaes with loads and loads of meatballs."
This makes it sound like he's eating ice cream with meatballs in it, haha.
"We get him to come to us," Skylar murmured. "I have an idea. Follow my lead."
"I'm out of ammo, Kiersten! Do you have any extra?" Skylar hissed in a stage-whisper
There's no need for a line break here given that Skylar is still talking. It makes me expect a new speaker, so it's a bit jarring to read.
Overall Thoughts
I think this chapter has more tension and drama than the previous two, because the stakes are high - they're outnumbered and trying to escape, and their general goal is clear. That said, I think this doesn't have as much suspense as it should, and that stems from things I've already mentioned. One, we don't really know why the files they've stolen are important. Two, we don't know the characters. I'm watching the drama unfold, but I don't have any emotional involvement in it yet.
Personally, I think Isaac's near-death experience came across as a bit sudden and...melodramatic? Maybe that's the wrong word. But because I don't have an emotional attachment to his character, it didn't really mean a lot to me to see him talk about his family and providing for them and stuff. I don't know his situation yet, so it felt like you were trying to garner sympathy for him rather than trusting the reader to care about him. As I mentioned in the small comments, the way that scene plays out feels quite cliché, as well, and I think you could've exploited it more. Give me some unique and unexpected reactions. Maybe Isaac gets shot and starts rambling about something seemingly unimportant, like how if he dies someone has to feed the feral cats that hang around near his house, because there's nobody else to do it. Maybe he laughs, even though nothing's funny. Remember that shock makes people react in bizarre ways.
The other element of this chapter I was less sure about is how they trick the guard into thinking they're out of ammo. That plan just seemed so transparent, I don't really get how he fell for it? If he's a good shot and presumably trained in combat, he'd know better than to walk over to the enemy when he's outnumbered. It felt like a case of the enemy being stupid rather than the protagonists being smart, so I would've liked to see them come up with a more convincing plan.
I must admit, I'm suspicious about Darien lagging behind, actually. Is he genuinely just weighed down and overwhelmed, or was it deliberate on his part? I'm not ruling out the possibility that he's a double agent. Maybe he intends to get 'captured' with Isaac so they can get information out of them both...I'm probably way off the mark, but the first rule of any novel is that you can't - trust - anyone.
That's all for this review! Hope it helped!
Keep writing!
~Pan
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